Day 191, My Life As A Prisoner.. Part 2.

Within this blog i am going to write out my self-forgivenesses and my self-commitment statements.

                                                                        


Here is the link to the previous blog:   http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-189-my-life-as-prisoner.html



Within the writing of self-forgiveness statements there may come more points surfacing that were not mentioned in the previous post.


Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to made a choice to smuggle drugs pure based on self-interest, which is NOT what is best for all.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for ways to justify this, when i knew within myself that what i was doing was not what is BEST for all, and by smuggling drugs i am then the contributor/the sustainer of the problem of the drug addicts, even when it is their own choice/self-responsibility to use such substances.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the pain of the families that have children that are using drugs, or have siblings that are using drugs, without having any remorse nor compassion, and was only thinking about myself and my own problems and thus using the addicts to solve my problems with money and also to have a life of fun all on the backs of those whom are drug addicts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead of facing my own self-created problems in a way that will not harm others i chose the one that will harm others and also the one that is easier in a way to get the money.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand the micro and the macro consequences related to me smuggling drugs.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that smuggling drugs is only serving my self-interest and is NOT what is BEST for ALL, it is only what is BEST for me, and on top of all this, it is destructive to LIFE.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be carried away in thoughts to decide to smuggle drugs, not taking into account the consequences for my action to/towards myself and others as myself, but was lost in self-interest alone.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see smuggling drugs as not being an act of crime but justifying it that it is just a tool to survive with, because the ones using it have done so by their own consent, when in reality this tool support harm to LIFE. Therefore i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify smuggling drugs as survival and thus harm LIFE by doing so.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify NOT having a good job as a reason to go out and smuggle drugs, when i am capable enough to learn much things and to make a decent living for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find a reason to justify my friends in order to make it look like they had a stake in my decision making, when i know deep within myself that all i do and will ever do will always be my own decision.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep secrets within me as me, and did not see/realize/understand that by keeping secret is approving lie, even if the secret can hurt me, and by approving lie i am supporting fear to continue existing within me as me and also in this world at large as it is within each human being.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself when i started the whole drug smuggling thing to only do it till i pay my debts and then get out of it, but was more in it to just go through the experience of belonging to something that is dangerous and adventurous.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when i made the money smuggling drugs to go through a feeling of power and superiority, just because i knew i can spent the money on anything and then get more money whenever i wanted to, and it took me only 3 to 4 days.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spent a lot of the drug money on prostitutes and gold diggers, supporting all the things that i am deeply within myself against to.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body totally consciously in order to pursuit my self-interest, knowing perfectly well that i can harm my body swallowing these pills.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see swallowing pills with drugs in them to be something stalwart, when real stalwartmess is to face all of ones own self-created consequences no matter what to correct oneself to a human that always does what is BEST for all life. I realize that doing that which harms/destroys life is being seen as something stalwart instead of supporting LIFE as being a REAL stalwart action.


I forgive msyelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exists where smuggling drugs is a way of surviving within this world, that brings a lot of harm to LIFE.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take part of this survival tool without seeing/realizing/understanding that this tool is NOT what will be BEST for all participants and how it affects the lives of many in this world in a harmful way and not just the humans.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to party and have fun when i was using money that was being made through harming LIFE, thus celebrating my personal harm done to LIFE, without even knowing it.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continued doing this even though i was aware of the dangers that were at play, but within this kept on making the choice to satisfy my own self-interest.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exist where individuals kidnap and kill each other to obtain an illusion called: '' money.''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my family and my other friends, because i knew that if they knew about me smuggling drugs they would try to stop me or they would not want anything to do with me anymore if i were to continue doing that. Thus within this i realize that i had two fears within me that kept me going on with lying. Thus within  this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my family knowing about it and trying to stop me, and within this also fearing them not wanting to do anything with me anymore if i would not stop.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that the clairvoyant could help me pass free from trouble when i was smuggling drugs, just because she showed me a couple of times that it is true that she can see what would happen in the future and because it happened just like she said gave me reason enough then to belief in her so-called: ''gift.''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when the moment came and i knew within me that i was not ready to leave that day, because something might just go wrong, i did not pay attention to it, because it is almost all the time when i was doing that, that i will feel this a little, but that specific day it was worse, like i couldn't  STOP thinking about something going wrong.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold as memory the sentence the man said when they caught me with the drugs: '' yes, that is it, we have got this one..!!,'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stalwart person, just because i kept tranquil within myself and did not get all emotional and angry because they caught me like most did.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when i was in jail for the very first hours to wanted to experience this whole thing as an adventure, because up to that moment the sense of adventure i have had within me did not disappear, i was still adventurous. Within this i realize that my adventurous drive have taken me into many troubles within my life, because i will loose all sense of danger of myself and others as myself. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use adventure as a way to allow abuse of myself to exist and others as myself to exist  within me and within the world at large.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of control and power and that i am superior to others when i was in jail, just because i had a few things that i could use when i was in jail to give me such power and control over the others, like having canteen fully equipt with food, and always having bags of tobacco even though i myself didn't smoke, i bought them purely to use it as a means to control the others, because when theirs is finished and no-one else have smokes on them, they will come to me, and sometimes i even give it to them without asking for an exchange for something else. I became their last resort for getting things they wanted/needed.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use control and power as a means to cope with my inner fears of not wanting to get hurt by others, to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to smuggle drugs more so, because of my attempt to want to escape this world where i am a prisoner,and wherein i saw that making money the ''easy'' way and lots of it in a short time gives one a sense of freedom of the hardship within the system, where ones money is never ever enough for one to live a life that is worth living.



Self-commitments statements:


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into memories of what i have done, to immediately STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself HERE, for what i have done is already done, and does not need to exist within me anymore as energy as memory for the, as this memory is NOT what is HERE now lived by and as me.


I commit myself to never ever again make choices in my life that will harm life consciously and if i am to make choices where i don't see the total consequences,i then ask those whom can look more deeply at how things work in this world, this reality for i am NOT alone.


I commit myself to make sure to whenever i see myself going to and about to to go into trying to find a easy way out, to immediately STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself HERE, till i am clear and stable and then look at the whole thing in self-honesty so i am sure that the decision i will make, will not be one that harms LIFE, but it will be one that supports LIFE.


I commit myself to make sure that i will never ever again LIE to my family or anyone else, to protect my self-interest for harming myself and others as myself as LIFE.


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going to and/or about to go into feelings of power and control and superiority, to immediately STOP, take a deep breath till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me, so do not participate into these abusive behaviours.

I commit myself to support all those whom find themselves in similar situations and think/belief that they can't get out or STOP themselves, to support and assist them in the best of my abilities so they to can come to see what they are really doing to themselves and others as themselves as LIFE, equal and one.


I commit myself to expose what is really happening behind the scenes in relation to smuggling drugs and to live in this world.


I commit myself to make sure to never ever again make decisions that will put myself and others as myself in danger just to protect my self-interest, and that whenever i see myself going to or about to go into doing this to just STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me.


I commit myself to little by little as i walk my process in identifying whom i am and whom i have accepted myself to be/become to delete this sense of adventure that exist within me as me as the energy as the mind till i am free of this personality that i have created within and as myself, that is in reality very careless about LIFE.


I commit myself to make sure i will always choose LIFE and little by little let go off my self-interest till i am free from all self-interest within me as me as the energy as the mind.



Thanks.


Larry Manuela.




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