Day 371, Drug Experimentation Success or Failure Part 3

So now in this blog I am going to take it all back to self. I am going to take the responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.


                                                           

Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be influenced by my two friends to smoke weed with them, from the very beginning even though within myself I did not want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity of my two friends that smoke weed to also try it out for myself with them to satisfy my desire of if anything should go wrong they might know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue smoking weed with them after I have tried it and did not like it, just because I did not want to be excluded from the friendship I had with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friends for using weed and for behaving as though it is the most fun thing to do and the most important thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be with friends that smoked weed, because even though it is legal to smoke weed in this country, when it is being seen as something not right to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also find within myself that smoking weed it not the right thing to do for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try out smoking weed even when within myself I was fighting against myself to not do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against my own findings at the time, within which afterwards have propelled me into lots of moment within my life where I would do this same thing, thus that I have created a pattern within myself to go against my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to just say " no."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an synthetic drug, to satisfy my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to satisfy my sexual mind desires through using a synthetic drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need more when it comes to sexual experience and practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to want to be more sexual than ever when having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that sex is like something I can win women with, like using it to make someone see me as special and that they want to be with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I need to be someone special and being great in bed in order to be likable or seen and treated like someone special, without seeing/realizing and understanding that I do not need nor have to be seen nor treated like someone special nor be found likable by someone else, all I need to do is live what is best for me as life as all as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own sexual expression and thought and believed it needed some higher performance as if I am not good enough, when even in reality nothing was suggesting such a thing, it was only me within my mind consciousness system judging myself and wanting to be more than what I am when it comes to sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I needed to manipulate myself and others through sex in order to be loved or treated as something that I have as an idea, however is not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be something that I am not and look for ways to express it that needs alteration through some synthetic drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need alteration in order to fit with an idea I have had about myself within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be defined by ideas within and as my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to fit in, when I can see within and as myself that fitting in is actually what everyone is doing and is being passed over from parents to child on how to fit in, however never being showed/exampled in how to be and to live as one as equal as all life, thus by trying to fit in I am actually supporting the world system and also how the human has created itself to be having a destructive nature that we have come to call: ' human nature,' as if it is something we cannot change at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also let myself believe that the nature I have created myself to be and become is something that I cannot change and that it is who I am and that it is human, when in reality I have never really lived as a human in awareness of what that really is, I have only lived in knowing and experiencing myself as a personality(ies). in my mind through using my body to do so, I have only lived what my parents and my culture and my environment I was in has thought me how and what to be, my believes that were placed within me as information that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the nature and as who and what I am as I call it: ' my human nature.'




To be continued......................



Thanks,

Larry Manuela

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Day 370, Drug Experimentation, Success or Failure? Part 2

As I wrote in the previous blog, that I am going to use my own experience too, to take it back to self-responsibility.

This piece however is about myself, experimenting with drugs, usually soft-drugs and some research chemicals when I was a student.

For those of you whom haven't read the previous blog, here is the link:


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/12/day-369-drug-experimentation-success-or.html



                                                                     

So now to having a look at myself.
When I was a student, I used to have 2 friends that loved smoking weed. In the beginning I did not smoke weed with them, however after awhile, just to test it out to see what this weed thing is all about, I smoked it with them.
To tell you the truth I did not like it, I could not understand what this fuss about getting high was all about, because high to me was like my body was in a state of too much relaxation, like everything became very slow, I experienced my heart rate beating very slow, like if my heart rate would be like 40 beats in a minute when I am normally relaxed, with being high I would have a heart rate about 20 beats a minute, just to have a measurement here about what I mean with I experience myself too slow. However to these friends of mine, this slowness is what they loved about being high so much and called it: " cool chilling."

So one day I decided to try a synthetic drug. There was this store where I used to live that was called: " the pope."   Imagine that. Anyways I went into the store and I bought something that is called: " Rush." I found it got its name because that is exactly what it does, what it makes you go through. You literally experience yourself in a rush. However this one you have to smell it. On the little bottle they mention to NOT take it with alcohol or drugs. Oh by the way the reason I did was because this rush was explicitly for higher performance during sex, and I wanted to see what they meant with: " higher performance"
So I bought it and went home with it. Later in the evening I decided to just try it out alone before I use it with a girlfriend I had at the time.
So I smelled in the little bottle to see what would happen. Now after just a few seconds I felt my heart beat racing like hell. It gave me a sensation that I needed to do something with my body. In this very moment I understood immediately what they meant with: " higher performance."
However after awhile I started to become a little worried, because I felt like this hyper experience was not going to go away and my heart was beating at enormous speeds. It felt like, if I do not move myself got out of bed and do something my heart is just going to continue going faster and faster till it can not beat anymore and just stop.
So I stood up and I thought, it would be better for me to take a walk in the vicinity of the hospital, because where I was living was just one block away from the hospital, so in case I fall down, I can be rushed into the hospital immediately, because I am at the front door.
However after walking like 45 minutes or so, my heartbeat started to go down, and I could breath normally again.
Guess what? Even though I went through this scary moment, I decided to give it a go anyways with the girlfriend I had then. And I literally became like a pitbull in bed, because the " rush" makes you want to keep on going like that for a long time in a very high speed.
Anyways I did use it 2 or 3 more times after that with her, but I did not like it, because I am the kind of guy that prefers when having sex with a woman to have sex in a love making fashion, that whole pitbull thing is not really my thing.

Now going back to weed. I smoked with these two friends of mine for awhile, but the only time I would smoke it was when I was with them, I myself did not go and buy weed and smoke it all by  myself, because I really did not like the experience of being high, as I said in the beginning of this blog, that I get too slow,  I experience everything too slow, and that is not " fun"  to me.
I noticed to that when I was high I would forget things in a second and try to remember like for hours.
There was this one time I smoked with one of these friends and he asked me if I could get him some water, because he was at my house then, so I went into the kitchen to get him some water, however when I got into the kitchen I could not remember what the heck I was doing there, and I was just walking up and down in the kitchen trying to remember, what the heck I was doing there, repeating the same question over and over: " o.k. what am I suppose to get here in the kitchen?"

After like 30 minutes or so I returned and my friend asked me: " where is my water?" And I immediately started to laugh and I told him, I went into the kitchen but could not remember what I was suppose to get there, and we both started to laugh like crazy, like this thing was super super funny, we got into a laugh-kick as they call it. And sometimes I would start a conversation on a topic and just in the middle of it completely forget what the heck I was talking about, and than we will both be very quiet like for a long time, like he is waiting for me to remember, while in my mind I was done telling the story, when in reality I was not, I just ended it in the middle of the story telling, like a sudden: " the end." After like 10 to 15 minutes we will both realized what happened and we both will start laughing like crazy again.

Now moments like these are being considered fun when being high, because one can laugh at the stupidity of all this forgetting stuff.
And I then noticed that lots of people I used to see being high would do some of these things, forgetting what they are doing or saying and find it all very funny. However when I was not high and I sat down and thought about it, I found it not fun. My friends will sometimes forget their wallets or their jackets or sometimes believing that they have forgotten something and ran back to the place looking for " something" but yet do not even know what exactly they believe they've lost. Or they will think and believe they lost their keys, but just misplaced it somewhere else where they do not normally put it.
So I looked at all the stuff, and I asked myself: " what the heck is fun about that?"

After awhile one can say life itself took care of all this, because of changes in our lives we just went apart from each other and I never saw these friends again, and so the whole weed thing stopped to with all of it.

In my next blog, I will be taking responsibility for what I have done here in the past.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

And do the life course and perfect yourself: DIP

Study this  proposal which is:  LIG