Day 388, Lost at Sea- 2

 This where I have left of the last time I was here on my self forgiveness points: 

" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this entity I created within myself to rule over my decision making, making sure I always end up, choosing what would not be best for myself, nor what would be best for all life, because I have something to hide, something that I secretively hide, something I am too scared to face, as my addiction, that is actually making me the convict of  my conviction." 

                                                        

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can get away with having my addiction as a secret in my own mind consciousness system, just because, apart from the people that are involved within the participation of my addiction, on my side only I know of my addiction, and this makes it worthwhile according to my own judgement to conitue with my addiction in order to satify my virtual sexual desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the virtual sexual experiences to a level of preference above real physical sex itself, to a level where physical sex is almost boring, because in real life physical sex, I cannot jump from one person to another and from one kind of sexual desire to another with totally different people all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself thus far that I find myself into a situation where I find virtual sex more interesting than actual real physical sex.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to  keep on going back when I have deleted my accounts from the web, just to tell myself again, I will do this one more last time and then I am done with this for good, which keeps on propelling me to find myself again in the same point where I would open an account again and again, to so called do it for the last time, instead of actually for real taking a stand when the desires rise up within me, and not accept and allow myself to fall, to participate into the desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself within my own mind that it is very difficult to stop this addiction, so I can use this justification to go against myself in the moments I dare to stand for a few days, when the desires keep on coming up stronger and stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always keep at least one of the ladies I was doing these acts with as friend outside the sexchat websites, so that I can use her as a way to get myself back into the game, as they will function as a way out of my stand against myself,  a way to get back into the game, I can then justify that I was being attracted to start again and it is not me, they are the ones that lock me into the game again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly hold on to a backdoor, created by myself to make sure I do not stop and take a stand against my own self created addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush off "addiction," as something not happening to me, or slighty accept it, however act as if I can do it all by myself and I can handle it and get rid of it, meanwhile I keep on falling back everytime I made a little progress, go by a week without masturbation or talking sex or watching porn online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am stronger than my sex addiction, thus I can do it all by myself, when in fact I deliberately make sure I do not take a real stand within and as myself to actually stop when I get into the mood when I know within myself that if I follow up on it, I would engage and thus loose myself within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the tools suggested by Desteni to support myself when I am finding myself in situations/moments I am aware I am going to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT forgive myself the feelings and emotions and desires that rise within me when I am about to go into procrastination 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly act as if  I am not seeing what I am accepting and allowing myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even like it when I am procrastinating, meaning as if I have won something, like a little bit of a triumph.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a triumph in that which is NOT having an outcome that is best for myself as life and for all as life, because it is what I am used to do, used to accept and allow myself to live and exist as here in this world, in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to see in triumph something that is valuable and a way to win, a way to make sure I have an excuse so I can continue with my procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take procrastination as a way things are, as a way out of not having to change myself, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become procrastination itself, wherein I do not really move in changing myself in specificity and detail, just because I am aware that letting go of procrastinations means I have to change and it means I fear changing myself into a being that do what is best for all life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself, because I am already aware that I am going to be justified by the people close to me and by the world at large.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that I can only change me and through my self-change to what is best for all life, I can then give as I have received and thus be an example for others as that gift as who I am as best for all life as I live it HERE as who I am as what is best for all life.

Self -Commitment statments:

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into defending my virtual sexual addiction by justifying within my mind consciousness system, that I am the only one that knows about it in my direct environtment, thus making sure I have a back door aa a secret I have with myself within my own mind consciousness system, ........I STOP take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as Energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am baout to go into jumping from desire to desire within my mind in relation to my virtual sexual addiction, wherein I have replaced real physical sex with virtual sex and call real physical sex as something boring and give myself an excuse as a justification, convincing myself that just because virutally I can move from one desire to another and move from one person to another in an instant online, makes it as if that is more desirable and better and greater than actual real sex, ........I STOP, take a very deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into falling into, or repeating the same pattern, wherein I wold feel a little guilty inside myself and delete the online profiles I have made and act as if I am doing something good while I already know, I will one day come and create a new one to conitnue with my addiction, prolonging my stoppage even more, ............I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me.

When and as I see myself going into, or I am about to go into use the word " difficult" within my mind consciousness system to make sure I will leave a door open for me to come again at it another day or time, ........I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE within and as my breath, breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me, as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into my old pattern of not participating into sexchats or porn for weeks online and start to see that I am about to let myself be deceived and manipulated by myself within ad as my mind, ................ I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me, as the mind as energy.

When and as I see mysef trying to manipulate other people to get what I want in the end by conving them in some way or anohter, just to get them with me and alone, so I an excert my plan with them,........I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into trying to tell myself that I can stop my addiction all by myself, because I already know that I won't as the patterns emergy within me as me, that I do recognize and thus accept and allow them to take over anyways, I STOP..........Take a deep breath ns bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy as me.

When and as I see myself going into deliberately accept and allow the energy to take over and deliberately not do self forgiveness immediatly, I STOP............, take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy as me.

When and as I see myself going into, or I AM about to go into see a form of winning that will give me a certain specif reward as energy in my mind and as orgasm in real life as a physical relese, I STOP..................., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into procastination, I immediately STOP..........., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into fear of changing myself I STOP......................., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately choosing NOT to change me in order to continue with my addiction, I STOP..................., take a deep breath and bring me HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

Self-reward and Self-realization:

I realize that I am using all the tricks and traps of my own patterns that I can actually see even before I engage into my addiction, however choose to deliberatly not to act on it and use instead all kind of justification, just so I can win in the end as getting my mind desires and physically my release as orgasm. Due to knowing this, I will reward myself next time with a treat as learning something new no matter how small it is, some new way of doing something or just larn a new subject so that I do not have to participate into going into rewarding myself with my addiction.

Thanks,

Larry Manuela

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Day 387, Lost at sea- 1

In this blog I'll continue with the working of myself out.


Here is a few sentences of where I left of:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spent lots of time on the internet chasing my sexual desire, abdicating my responsibility to myself and to all of life as equal as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and deliberately let my guard down so to speak in order to procrastinate more and more, and finding ways to come up with excuses and justification to protect my procrastination.


More will follow into the next blog........

                                                                        

Self-forgivenesses continuation:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be thinking about sex, that it is constantly in the background looking for ways to come up and delude myself into believing that I need to satisfy myself in accordance to what I have made valuable to me, based on my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience exhilaration when I find some lady on the internet that is extremely horny, because in accordance with my judgement of myself, this is also who I see myself as, as equal to, thus finding someone that I think and believe is what I think and believe I am, makes the whole experience and moment seem much more interesting and desirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stop myself in the moment I start to see that I am going to go into this whole situation, however I keep on letting myself fall into my own trap, and then justify to myself  saying to myself: " just one more last time, and then we can get to really working myself out," when in reality I never get to working myself out, because I keep on repeating this " one more time" every time, almost daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to put my process at an halt just in order to be able to satisfy my self-interest in relation to my virtual sex addiction.

I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to put all, if not more of my focus on online young ladies in oder to satify my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having virtual sexual acts with young ladies online give me some sense of still being sexually attractive and appealing  to young ladies.

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to become astute within manipulating young ladies in order to get my self-interested, self-indulgence met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up looking for a opening, a way to get into their minds and see where I can effectively convince them to the participation that will have an outcome that will satisfy my sexual desire. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel that I am too weak to actually do this STOPPING of myself in my participation within my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point of getting my sexual desire met, so extremely effective that I would spent money that I could instead spent, or direct to outcomes that would be best for all LIFE, however rather use it to manipulate the ladies of my choice so I can have an positive outcome according to my addiction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to workout this point of sexual addiction I have become, because I do not trust myself enough, that I can stop myself and change myself through my self-will, to do that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made countless sexual accounts on virtual sexual related websites, where like-minded people come together to share themselves in their addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that one day, all the pictures and vidoes that were hacked by hackers will be used against me to measure my integrity as who I am here if I dare to stand for life, making myself abdicating my Responsibility and make me halt my process in midways.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if others would find out about my addiction I have about sex, especially those that " know" me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear being shamed for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as a sexual addict, constantly looking for orgasmic mind pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a seeker and experiencer of orgasmic mind pleasure, one that would do anything to get that experience, that high.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this entity I created within myself to rule over my decision making, making sure I always end up, choosing what would not be best for myself, nor what would be best for all life, because I have something to hide, something that I secretively hide, something I am too scared to face, as my addiction, that is actually making me the convict of  my conviction.




To be continued..........................



Thanks

Larry Manuela



Support our research and buy one or more products for yourself or buy gift for someone else at: EQAFE

Do the life course and perfect yourself: DIP

Day 387, Lost at sea.

I have been, for a very long time now lost at sea, as I placed it here in my heading. Lost on this vast ocean with no horizon in sight, no land to set foot on. In my little boat, being rocked and carried away by the wind and the ocean currents. May I reach land or may I not? I ask. Is the question intended to just question myself alone or is the question intended to practically move, take a stand, to set foot on land.                                                                     

                                                           
Now, even in my lostness I can still not, NOT see me. I cannot hide me, I cannot put me aside. Me is here for me to see. Lost at sea, metaphorically speaking cannot make me loose sight of me. I am always here seeing what I am doing, what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.

But seeing me and not applying me, correcting me as I drift along will certainly not prepare me, when my little boat crashes on the rocks of the land. Shreaded boat and broken body is all that will be left scattered around.

So, what have I been doing all this time?

Well very busy I would say, compromising myself, however yet also deep inside being aware that I am just fooling myself, slowing myself down.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devorce myself from myself, from my process of walking myself back to HERE, forgiving me and being here in every moment of breath, walking my talk, and taking my self-responsibility to myself and all as myself as life, equal as one as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself and to participate into the virtual reality of sexual distractions in this world, on the internet, separating myself from myself within the truth of myself wherein I see, realize and understand what I am accepting and allowing myself to particpate in and act upon delibertaly for my own self-gratification and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate women on the internet to participate with me in my own seeking of self-gratification and self-interest and use the point of them volenteering to participate with me within it all as a justification so I can continue with my own self-interest and self-gratification I want and desire of them, being perfectly aware that I need their permission to do so, thus manipulating myself to manipulate them into making sure they give me the permission I need from them in order to get what I want and need and desire from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always prepare myself, before I start with visiting the websites I participate in, seeing/realizing and understanding how I am manipulating myself into making this whole sexual virtual reality thing a ritual and thus a pattern, feeling myself getting all excited because of myself knowing that I am soon to embark on these website and meet with " like-minded" people again, to engulf myself into this whole mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish I could meet one of these ladies in real life so I can do all these wonderful lusty things we say to each other on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to focus more on the young ladies, because I have noticed that there is a change that happened within the system in terms of people lusting more and more and the young ones,are more and more, more freely emersing themselves into this on the internet, because just like me, they too see the easiness in having sexual  mind games on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself extremely horny before I even get on these websites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the little bio's and accept and allow good judgement to exist within me in context to what I believe this particular lady would want to say or do on the internet, and if she would want to do that with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a personality or character I believe they would want to speak with or chat with in accordance to their specific desire/ sexual fantasy and that would satsify in turn my own sexual desire purely based on energy, with mixture of desires to want it to also happen in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always chat with these ladies with the desire to meet them in real life in the back of my mind, which is the real desire I have, and that I only use the website to see if I can get one to go that far with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find this chasing after ladies on the internet such a trill, just because I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to maybe/possibly get a chance to get the real deal in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very excited when I get a lady to move from the main sex chat webbsite to go with me on SnapChat, which means I am now in accordance to my mind consciousness system, much closer to my target, which is to be able to get to have a chance in the real physical world, doing all these fantasies for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get even more excited when the lady is from the same country that I am in right now, making myself think and belief that because of that, I might be able to score a chance to meet them much easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spent lots of time on the internet chasing my sexual desire, abdicating my responsibility to myself and to all of life as equal as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and deliberately let my guard down so to speak in order to procrastinate more and more, and finding ways to come up with excuses and justification to protect my procrastination.


More will follow into the next blog........



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Day 383, day 4 of SF on aloneness

Within this blog,  I am going to do self forgiveness on what I wrote about in the previous blog.





                                                                               

                                                                                

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be sexually very energetically busy and that I keep on finding ways to keep on, with the keeping on of engaging in energetic mind sex, with this, accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in relation to how I have define sex for myself within myself and through what I have done in conjunction with how I have defined sex for myself and outwardly live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept from myself that it is totally o.k. to have sex with anyone that is a woman or looks a lot like a woman, because using them is where I will feed my sexual energy, always looking and paying attention to what they say in order to find a point of weakness where I can commence and eventually get into the sexual talk and see where they are within it and from there build on that little point, till they break/accept the invitation, which is actually a manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very manipulative when it comes to sex with women and try and justify it, just because the women give me their permission to do so, however even though I am aware that without their permission there will be no sex talk or anything sexual, I am also aware that I manipulate them in order to get their permission, I have become a permission seeker freak, to use it to work for me, in order to satisfy my energetic mind sexual energy.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that in trying to manipulate others to have sex with me in any form or any other way or shape,  to satisfy my mind sexual energy, is actually me giving in into the programming I have created within and as myself as mind sexual energy seeker, depending on another for my mind sexual need of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this mind sex energy that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do  whatever it takes to make sure I am always vigilant in bringing about ways to get into this mind sex energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly groom this energy within me, creating within me experiences of feeling alone, just to make sure I go and do something about it outwardly that will have me satisfying this mind sex energy I have created myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do whatever it takes to make sure that my self-created mind sex energy is always, when it comes to relationships with women I find attractive,  to be the first thing to be triggered within me in order to give value to what I am seeing outwardly that coincide with what I have accepted and allowed within myself as what I need in order to experience this mind sex energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this mind sex energy as all that I am now,  without seeing, realizing, and understanding how and why I created myself within and as this mind sex energy in order to stop and change what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this mind sex energy as something bad, wrong and negative however yet not making a clear decision about what I see and judge myself as bad,wrong and negative in order to find out about how I created it to stop myself, to first release myself from it and to then redefine for myself how I should be living in a way that does not bring harm to myself or abuse to myself, nor to others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the harm and abuse that I am standing within and as- as separation within and as myself as an example in this world through projecting this separation I am within outwardly, to and towards people and things, so that the separation within me continues to exist as what I have accepted and allowed as me - as if it is not coming from me or lives within me, when even though I am aware that only I experience my inner experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify certain harms and abuse as less worse than others, forgetting at all that abuse is abuse, and always have an outcome as consequence that is equal to what it is and represent through and via me and all humans in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself a lot when it comes to mind sex energy, giving in into it and giving up on my process of being and becoming equal and one within and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the giving in, into mind sex energy, because I am aware of the addiction I have created within and as myself to and towards this mind sex energy I indulge within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify for myself that there is nothing " wrong" with this indulging within and as this mind sex energy, meanwhile being aware that it is not what is best for me nor what is best for all of LIFE.


To be continued.......................


Thanks,


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

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Day 378, A Realization About LIFE.

I was watching a video on YouTube this morning and I saw a few people doing prayer. They were giving thanks to their chosen God.

And I started to look into how we give thanks to a God, which is a beLIEve and how we never give thanks to LIFE itself. This made me question within myself why is that I never in the past thanked LIFE itself?

I realized that I NEVER SAW LIFE ITSELF AS BEING ALIVE, Thus that life itself IS alive, as aware of itself as LIFE. I saw life as something that someone or something else can give to another or something, however never that LIFE itself give to itself as LIFE. Thus LIFE does NOT need someone or something in order to exist, it exists on itself, by itself. It is always HERE, whenever and wherever HERE is, life is HERE.

           

Now these Gods, whatever they are in people's minds, in order for them to exist as a God in reality, they have to have had LIFE first, they cannot exist before there was life, because LIFE is before everything, thus God cannot be a creator of LIFE as is being beLIEved in this world. Why? Because it implies that this God somehow was able to have an existence on its own without having any LIFE prior to its own existence, which is impossible!! And besides that, one cannot GIVE what one does not have, not even to oneself, let alone others. What does this mean for this God that most believers, believe into? It means that something that was not alive, did not have LIFE in any ways or form, in its very beginning has been given LIFE by itself somehow magically, and since then is now empowered to create with this gift he/she/it has been given by itself.??? Can one see it?? Thus creating first life without having it and then use that creation of life to create other creations with it??  Does it make any sense?? because apparently this God couldn't create without having to give himself LIFE first??   Now we can go further with these lines of questions. So If God gave LIFE to him/her/it-self without having life at first how did he/she or it exist without having any LIFE before he/she it gave it to him/her itself??

 As I said in the beginning, nothing can exist without LIFE, literally NOTHING. I am placing these questions, in order for people to see that if one keep on going with these questions one will reach a moment where one will see that the believe will start to crumble and it will fall, it cannot hold, because it won't make any sense anymore. Now I do understand that when one believes in God or any other thing that has to do with existence one will try one's best to make sure that the believe one has is protected and defended, because one thinks and believes that one needs it, when in reality one's needs are all taken care of by LIFE itself right here. One breathes in every moment. It is LIFE!! Either one believe or do not believe that one's breath is LIFE, it won't disappear or stop, because one is ungrateful. One will not be punished or not be punished because one did not at least give thanks to LIFE for the breathe of LIFE that LIFE support one with to exist within and as this world, this reality. It just keeps on going, never fringing, no matter what occupies ones mind. Thus LIFE is showing us in every moment that it does not give a F*** what it is one is busy with in ones mind, because it only deals with and support that which is REALITY, that which is REAL!! How many in their lives have given up their believes? Did they stop existing, did the breath stopped? Now lets go even further, when individuals are raping and murdering other individuals, in the moment of their actions, does LIFE leave them, before they could even start or in the middle of what they are doing? This question  is a very challenging question for those whom believe in God, because of what one read about this God as what he did with people whom were " bad/wrong/negative"  and went against him in the books that are telling the tails of these Gods, however not so for me, because I do not believe, I use common sense introspection to assess what is going on, about things I do not understand in a  moment. Thus the answer to that question is rather simple, We cannot, when we are being a raper, see that the one we are raping is another expression as ourselves as this LIFE. In our twisted/sick/abusive behavior we might even like what we are doing without having any inclination about what we are REALLY doing. As the raper we do not have in that very moment the same experience as the one we are raping or murdering. Because as I say, we are unaware of ourselves as LIFE that is within and as us as it is within and as others as ourselves. However because we are expressions of life what we do to ourselves as life have consequences in the reality we find ourselves within and as. Now one can interpret trough ones mind these consequences as : " bad,wrong,negative"  or " good,right or positive," all of which do not matter to what one has accepted and allowed to happen to another as oneself as life and the consequence will play itself out, because by doing it one has created it in reality. We are busy creating in every moment, and at the moment our creations are NOT what would be BEST for all that we are as creations within and as LIFE as outcomes of our creations. Thus whatever we as expressions of LIFE give in LIFE will be visible as our creation within our lives that have an effect and/or  affect lots of others in all of what life is HERE, not only for the ones that do/did it or initiated it, however also for all that are HERE.

The reason I and most of us humans do not see LIFE as alive, is because we are NOT equal and one with and as LIFE. We see LIFE as a thing that is needed in order to have an existence, Something that is separate from us, but not actually that we ARE IT!! However we never see/realize and understand that existence itself IS LIFE, and that we ARE this LIFE. For whatever to exist LIFE must be first, it must have its existence first in LIFE to come out of LIFE. Thus until, we do not become as one as equal as life here, the world as it exists right now will continue up to the point of us annihilating ourselves from this world and in so doing taking with us many other expressions of life that did not had actual deliberate participation in it. We must understand that we are doing it ourselves to ourselves, we are creating our own demise. There is no devil nor is there a god working behind the scenes, only humans with devilish thoughts or godly thoughts creating all of what is here as we know it and can see it, and experience it.
We are creating destruction, violence, abuse in all kinds of forms and manifestations and it is all HERE for all to see. Whatever we as humans create at the moment is reflecting our unawareness of ourselves as LIFE!!

As a man of great influence in my life has placed it once and I quote: " You will be measured by who you are, in what you do about what you see!"  Bernard Poolman.

These words I will never forget, because they speak volume about what I accept and allow to happen in my life and in lives of others in this world. To me these words are like, the greatest truth I have ever heard in my life.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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Day 371, Drug Experimentation Success or Failure Part 3

So now in this blog I am going to take it all back to self. I am going to take the responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.


                                                           

Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be influenced by my two friends to smoke weed with them, from the very beginning even though within myself I did not want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity of my two friends that smoke weed to also try it out for myself with them to satisfy my desire of if anything should go wrong they might know what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue smoking weed with them after I have tried it and did not like it, just because I did not want to be excluded from the friendship I had with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friends for using weed and for behaving as though it is the most fun thing to do and the most important thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be with friends that smoked weed, because even though it is legal to smoke weed in this country, when it is being seen as something not right to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also find within myself that smoking weed it not the right thing to do for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try out smoking weed even when within myself I was fighting against myself to not do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against my own findings at the time, within which afterwards have propelled me into lots of moment within my life where I would do this same thing, thus that I have created a pattern within myself to go against my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to just say " no."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an synthetic drug, to satisfy my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to satisfy my sexual mind desires through using a synthetic drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need more when it comes to sexual experience and practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to want to be more sexual than ever when having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that sex is like something I can win women with, like using it to make someone see me as special and that they want to be with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I need to be someone special and being great in bed in order to be likable or seen and treated like someone special, without seeing/realizing and understanding that I do not need nor have to be seen nor treated like someone special nor be found likable by someone else, all I need to do is live what is best for me as life as all as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own sexual expression and thought and believed it needed some higher performance as if I am not good enough, when even in reality nothing was suggesting such a thing, it was only me within my mind consciousness system judging myself and wanting to be more than what I am when it comes to sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I needed to manipulate myself and others through sex in order to be loved or treated as something that I have as an idea, however is not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be something that I am not and look for ways to express it that needs alteration through some synthetic drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need alteration in order to fit with an idea I have had about myself within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be defined by ideas within and as my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to fit in, when I can see within and as myself that fitting in is actually what everyone is doing and is being passed over from parents to child on how to fit in, however never being showed/exampled in how to be and to live as one as equal as all life, thus by trying to fit in I am actually supporting the world system and also how the human has created itself to be having a destructive nature that we have come to call: ' human nature,' as if it is something we cannot change at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also let myself believe that the nature I have created myself to be and become is something that I cannot change and that it is who I am and that it is human, when in reality I have never really lived as a human in awareness of what that really is, I have only lived in knowing and experiencing myself as a personality(ies). in my mind through using my body to do so, I have only lived what my parents and my culture and my environment I was in has thought me how and what to be, my believes that were placed within me as information that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the nature and as who and what I am as I call it: ' my human nature.'




To be continued......................



Thanks,

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

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Day 370, Drug Experimentation, Success or Failure? Part 2

As I wrote in the previous blog, that I am going to use my own experience too, to take it back to self-responsibility.

This piece however is about myself, experimenting with drugs, usually soft-drugs and some research chemicals when I was a student.

For those of you whom haven't read the previous blog, here is the link:


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/12/day-369-drug-experimentation-success-or.html



                                                                     

So now to having a look at myself.
When I was a student, I used to have 2 friends that loved smoking weed. In the beginning I did not smoke weed with them, however after awhile, just to test it out to see what this weed thing is all about, I smoked it with them.
To tell you the truth I did not like it, I could not understand what this fuss about getting high was all about, because high to me was like my body was in a state of too much relaxation, like everything became very slow, I experienced my heart rate beating very slow, like if my heart rate would be like 40 beats in a minute when I am normally relaxed, with being high I would have a heart rate about 20 beats a minute, just to have a measurement here about what I mean with I experience myself too slow. However to these friends of mine, this slowness is what they loved about being high so much and called it: " cool chilling."

So one day I decided to try a synthetic drug. There was this store where I used to live that was called: " the pope."   Imagine that. Anyways I went into the store and I bought something that is called: " Rush." I found it got its name because that is exactly what it does, what it makes you go through. You literally experience yourself in a rush. However this one you have to smell it. On the little bottle they mention to NOT take it with alcohol or drugs. Oh by the way the reason I did was because this rush was explicitly for higher performance during sex, and I wanted to see what they meant with: " higher performance"
So I bought it and went home with it. Later in the evening I decided to just try it out alone before I use it with a girlfriend I had at the time.
So I smelled in the little bottle to see what would happen. Now after just a few seconds I felt my heart beat racing like hell. It gave me a sensation that I needed to do something with my body. In this very moment I understood immediately what they meant with: " higher performance."
However after awhile I started to become a little worried, because I felt like this hyper experience was not going to go away and my heart was beating at enormous speeds. It felt like, if I do not move myself got out of bed and do something my heart is just going to continue going faster and faster till it can not beat anymore and just stop.
So I stood up and I thought, it would be better for me to take a walk in the vicinity of the hospital, because where I was living was just one block away from the hospital, so in case I fall down, I can be rushed into the hospital immediately, because I am at the front door.
However after walking like 45 minutes or so, my heartbeat started to go down, and I could breath normally again.
Guess what? Even though I went through this scary moment, I decided to give it a go anyways with the girlfriend I had then. And I literally became like a pitbull in bed, because the " rush" makes you want to keep on going like that for a long time in a very high speed.
Anyways I did use it 2 or 3 more times after that with her, but I did not like it, because I am the kind of guy that prefers when having sex with a woman to have sex in a love making fashion, that whole pitbull thing is not really my thing.

Now going back to weed. I smoked with these two friends of mine for awhile, but the only time I would smoke it was when I was with them, I myself did not go and buy weed and smoke it all by  myself, because I really did not like the experience of being high, as I said in the beginning of this blog, that I get too slow,  I experience everything too slow, and that is not " fun"  to me.
I noticed to that when I was high I would forget things in a second and try to remember like for hours.
There was this one time I smoked with one of these friends and he asked me if I could get him some water, because he was at my house then, so I went into the kitchen to get him some water, however when I got into the kitchen I could not remember what the heck I was doing there, and I was just walking up and down in the kitchen trying to remember, what the heck I was doing there, repeating the same question over and over: " o.k. what am I suppose to get here in the kitchen?"

After like 30 minutes or so I returned and my friend asked me: " where is my water?" And I immediately started to laugh and I told him, I went into the kitchen but could not remember what I was suppose to get there, and we both started to laugh like crazy, like this thing was super super funny, we got into a laugh-kick as they call it. And sometimes I would start a conversation on a topic and just in the middle of it completely forget what the heck I was talking about, and than we will both be very quiet like for a long time, like he is waiting for me to remember, while in my mind I was done telling the story, when in reality I was not, I just ended it in the middle of the story telling, like a sudden: " the end." After like 10 to 15 minutes we will both realized what happened and we both will start laughing like crazy again.

Now moments like these are being considered fun when being high, because one can laugh at the stupidity of all this forgetting stuff.
And I then noticed that lots of people I used to see being high would do some of these things, forgetting what they are doing or saying and find it all very funny. However when I was not high and I sat down and thought about it, I found it not fun. My friends will sometimes forget their wallets or their jackets or sometimes believing that they have forgotten something and ran back to the place looking for " something" but yet do not even know what exactly they believe they've lost. Or they will think and believe they lost their keys, but just misplaced it somewhere else where they do not normally put it.
So I looked at all the stuff, and I asked myself: " what the heck is fun about that?"

After awhile one can say life itself took care of all this, because of changes in our lives we just went apart from each other and I never saw these friends again, and so the whole weed thing stopped to with all of it.

In my next blog, I will be taking responsibility for what I have done here in the past.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

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Day 367 Genetic Sexual Attraction ( GSA)

Let me start with first defining  what this Genetic Sexual Attraction is according to many.

" Genetic Sexual Attraction, is an attraction that occurs between family member whom got reunited for the very first time in their lives, family members whom have never met each other before." 

                                                

This is a highly controversial topic to talk about, because people in this world have certain ideas/believes/judgments about what should and should not be acceptable in societies.

Understand that these cases are more often cases that are exceptional. These are not an everyday occurrences.

About 50% of these people when they first meet, experience a deeper level of bondage that slowly but surely transforms into what we term: " love"  and with love comes: " sexual attraction." 

The majority of the cases wherein this happens is always between a daughter that meets her dad for the very first time after never have met him before in her life. It mostly never happens with a mother meeting for the first time with her son, or a father meeting for the first time with his son. Also brother and sisters or first and second cousins etc etc.....

Let me also add, the WHY, I have chosen this topic to write about, mostly because of 3 words. However also to walk some common sense points in regard to this topic to show how messed up we are in our minds, not condoning nor condemning these particular individuals.

***  LOVE

***  BONDAGE

***  SEX

Because of this phenomenon it makes me question love even more. Now what is love really? What is this intense deep level of " bondage" these individuals go through with one another however they don't go through it with other people? And why is it so intense that it becomes sexual, that it needs an outlet?

Before I continue I also have to add another question: " where in time did we all decide what kind of love is " good" and what kind of love is " bad ?"   Is there such a thing as " good love" and " bad love,"  or are these just figments of our imaginations that have become judgments and justifications. If love was real, would it not be just one thing, just as the word itself, one word, just: " love?" 

Within this, one can already see/realize and understand how we have split/separate/divide love into two things, a love that is being seen as " good " and a love that is being seen as " bad " 

And when do we see it as " bad? ".........................  When there is SEX  involved in relation to these particular EXCEPTIONAL cases.

Seen from the perspective of the individuals experiencing love about one another within these cases, they will tell you that it is " good thing." 

Now they have a problem, because the world is telling them that what they are experiencing as good inside themselves is actually bad, however they do not experience it as bad. They might feel bad about themselves for experiencing these feelings of love about one another, however because they are aware that they are being judged for it, they feel bad about being judged by others, and not per say because the feelings themselves within them is being felt like " bad."

As one can see we have a dilemma now. What is the dilemma? Well it is the following. 

On one side we have two individuals experiencing love within themselves as love is being defined as in this world, you know? Something: " good,"  " beautiful,"  " profound," " serene,"  and what not.............however because it is unacceptable in the eyes of the majority, it MUST be not this kind of love, it must be wrong, they are confused. Are they? Purely looking at the experience of the feeling of love about one another alone, are they?

So now let me add BONDAGE in the mix. The moment these individuals experience what they term a profound and deep level of bondage with one another, is the moment where the body will start to want to have SEX.

Sex for most humans in this world is the ultimate form of intimacy on a physical level, but also on a psychological level. So in other words, for the bondage and the love to have any form of legitimacy and any kind of realness on a physical level, sex must come into play. Sex is like the measurement these individuals take to measure their bondage and love to see for themselves if it is " good." Sex is what makes the circle complete. And because the level of love and bondage is very high between these individuals, sex will be experienced as highly exceptional too, just as is their case.

Here is a video one can watch:

                                                             

Will continue with this in the next blog............

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

And do the life course and perfect yourself: DIP

Study this  proposal which is:  LIG