Day 383, day 4 of SF on aloneness

Within this blog,  I am going to do self forgiveness on what I wrote about in the previous blog.





                                                                               

                                                                                

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be sexually very energetically busy and that I keep on finding ways to keep on, with the keeping on of engaging in energetic mind sex, with this, accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in relation to how I have define sex for myself within myself and through what I have done in conjunction with how I have defined sex for myself and outwardly live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept from myself that it is totally o.k. to have sex with anyone that is a woman or looks a lot like a woman, because using them is where I will feed my sexual energy, always looking and paying attention to what they say in order to find a point of weakness where I can commence and eventually get into the sexual talk and see where they are within it and from there build on that little point, till they break/accept the invitation, which is actually a manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very manipulative when it comes to sex with women and try and justify it, just because the women give me their permission to do so, however even though I am aware that without their permission there will be no sex talk or anything sexual, I am also aware that I manipulate them in order to get their permission, I have become a permission seeker freak, to use it to work for me, in order to satisfy my energetic mind sexual energy.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that in trying to manipulate others to have sex with me in any form or any other way or shape,  to satisfy my mind sexual energy, is actually me giving in into the programming I have created within and as myself as mind sexual energy seeker, depending on another for my mind sexual need of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this mind sex energy that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do  whatever it takes to make sure I am always vigilant in bringing about ways to get into this mind sex energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly groom this energy within me, creating within me experiences of feeling alone, just to make sure I go and do something about it outwardly that will have me satisfying this mind sex energy I have created myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do whatever it takes to make sure that my self-created mind sex energy is always, when it comes to relationships with women I find attractive,  to be the first thing to be triggered within me in order to give value to what I am seeing outwardly that coincide with what I have accepted and allowed within myself as what I need in order to experience this mind sex energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this mind sex energy as all that I am now,  without seeing, realizing, and understanding how and why I created myself within and as this mind sex energy in order to stop and change what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this mind sex energy as something bad, wrong and negative however yet not making a clear decision about what I see and judge myself as bad,wrong and negative in order to find out about how I created it to stop myself, to first release myself from it and to then redefine for myself how I should be living in a way that does not bring harm to myself or abuse to myself, nor to others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the harm and abuse that I am standing within and as- as separation within and as myself as an example in this world through projecting this separation I am within outwardly, to and towards people and things, so that the separation within me continues to exist as what I have accepted and allowed as me - as if it is not coming from me or lives within me, when even though I am aware that only I experience my inner experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify certain harms and abuse as less worse than others, forgetting at all that abuse is abuse, and always have an outcome as consequence that is equal to what it is and represent through and via me and all humans in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself a lot when it comes to mind sex energy, giving in into it and giving up on my process of being and becoming equal and one within and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the giving in, into mind sex energy, because I am aware of the addiction I have created within and as myself to and towards this mind sex energy I indulge within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify for myself that there is nothing " wrong" with this indulging within and as this mind sex energy, meanwhile being aware that it is not what is best for me nor what is best for all of LIFE.


To be continued.......................


Thanks,


Larry Manuela

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Day 369, Drug experimentation, success or failure?

This piece is not so much about me, however it is about me witnessing someone else going through some rough times with experimenting with drugs/soft-drugs.



It was a day as any usual day. I had a get together with my stepdaughter, because we were to go together to a marketplace in Amsterdam where there are more affordable clothing. I needed to buy some winter jacket and so on for her, for when she arrives here she won't have to buy these anymore, they are then taken care of.
I took the train to Amsterdam and as usual I enjoy the train trips every time. One never knows whom one is going to meet or what one is going to experience on that particular train travel.

So on my arrival in Amsterdam everything seem a little the same as when I was used to live there. Amsterdam since I am here in Holland, was and still is my favorite city to be even though it is full of people, and busy and it looks stressful to lots of people, however to me there is this experience of multicultural living that somehow is in my liking.

So I decided to walk around while waiting for my stepdaughter to arrive.  I will share a few pictures here from that trip.

The lady here in the picture is someone who found it necessary to come and feed the pigeons everyday, because most of these pigeons prefer to eat leftovers from what people on the streets throw away.

So there I was in Amsterdam walking around and looking around. After awhile I decided that I will go to a kind of like a multi-service bar. The reason I say this is because they sell normal bar stuff, but they also sell food and weed, and the music is mostly pop music and some others and there are 2 big screen t.v. in the bar that are mostly streaming soccer games.

Anyways I was sitting at the bar and enjoying the music sipping my drink.

After awhile a few young ladies from U.S.A. walked in and they sat at the bar to, however they bought their weed before coming and sitting at the bar, and by the way they were lighting the weed up and smoking it, I could tell that it was their first time trying weed. For those of you who don't know, however Amsterdam is very famous for foreigners when it comes to weed smoking, because it is legal in this country to buy weed and to smoke it. Thus because of this many tourists visit Amsterdam to try out smoking weed, because in their own countries they can go to jail for this. 

After sitting awhile on the bar and waiting and waiting for my stepdaughter to show up, suddenly an Asian guy, tourist of course came to the bar and wanted to ask for a drink, however he started to like loose his balance and rock back and forth and it did not take long before he fainted. He fell down not too far away from where I as sitting. Immediately the people working in this bar rushed over to help him, and the friend that was with him got really scared and started to like cry and calling his name, but he was like coming and going, like fainting and waking up, like the system is having a bug. So the guy working at the bar started to massage his neck at the back with cold water and the lady working in the bar went to look for some lemonade syrup, because these are very sweet, having lots of sugar and she made a syrup drink for him, super sweet, meaning more syrup than water in the mix. after a few sips of this he could stand up, however he looked lost, did not know where he was and what he is doing there. They helped him to his chair, and there put him to sit down, soon after that the friend that was with him also started to go into the same thing and the same method was used with her too.

The problem with most of these tourists is that, they do not know that the weed tailors in this country are always busy with making the weeds stronger and stronger. The weeds they sell they give them all these strange exotic names, and sometimes they write them on a blackboard too, with all kinds of colors, so it looks very attractive to the tourists, however if it is their first time trying weed, it can be a very hard hit for them, like what happened to these two friends.

So going back to that moment, I noticed some things about the people in this country and people in general. When the guy fainted, I wanted to call the ambulance or something, that was the first thing that came to me, however by carefully looking at the situation I immediately saw that the people working in this bar had the situation under control and it seemed like they had many experiences like this with people coming in and trying these weeds for the first time in their lives and immediately smoke too much of it, which can be dangerous. What I also found fascinating is that no-one with a phone took images or started filming, this would not have happened if they were maybe in the states, because I have noticed that in the states everything having to do with some sensation will be filmed and than placed on YouTube, even though there were all kinds of people from different countries there, however I find that they can sense that in this country people don't just do that. So no-one filmed it nor took pictures, there was this kind of like silent agreement in the moment of respect.

So what did I see and learn from this trip?

Firstly, that sugar really in this case have a healing purpose, it is not ALL bad.

Secondly, people can sense what kind of morality is in a country where they themselves do not come from.

Thirdly, people are very much desensitized too to certain events and occurrences, like they don't really care, they look at it as a moment of entertainment, scared a little, however more so in a watching/observing-mode.

In the next blog, I will share few of my own experiences that I had in the past with experimenting with some drugs in this country, when I used to be a student.

Thanks,

Larry Manuela

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DAY 368, Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) PART 2

So now, I am continuing with having a look at this point of GSA.

For those of you who haven't read the earlier blog, here is the link to it.

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/12/day-367-genetic-sexual-attraction-gsa.html


                                                                     

I left off yesterday questioning; " love," " bondage," and " sex,"  within these cases. With these exceptional cases, suddenly words that are regarded as highly powerful/valuable and wonderful and right and what not, are being seen as weakness, as powerless, as having no value, bad and negative, disgusting even for some people, however for the individuals in question experiencing them, the words are as they are being defined and agreed upon within humanity collectively. So what does this mean? Does it mean that because these are all words not necessarily lived, however more so, experienced as an energetic experience that they are deceptive? Can they be trusted? No matter which side one chooses, it is the physical part that is what is being used as measurement to give these words that have an energetic charge as an experience within, their value.

Now lets talk about what is the reason behind people treating these cases as incest. Understand that incest in this world, or majority of countries if not all is punishable by law. People can go to jail for this.
Within incest the words: " disloyalty,"  " dishonesty," " bullying," " physical/psychological abuse," and " morality"  come into play. Now understand we are still looking at the " how something that is being felt as good within the human beings, is sometimes to be not acceptable in certain circumstances?"  With this I mean, the experience of the feeling of love that occurs between these individuals is the same as others will go through when they also fall in love with someone else, it's the same experience, even though they( individuals in these exceptional cases) say that the feeling is deeper and the bond is more powerful. This of course is personal, within their comparison of what they had before as an energetic experience when were in other relationships.
So, how come we humans can agree on the experience of the feeling of love to be something good, only when it is in accordance with what we determine in a moment what " good"  should be?
Can one see where I am going with this? I am focusing on the " the feeling of love." I am showing you through walking through these questions, how the feeling of love even though it is experienced as something " good," " positive," " wonderful," " powerful," " beautiful,"  and what not, it is not equal in practicality, in what the human do with his/her body. The outcome in the physical reality is not always the words that I have shared here that we the human beings use and give to love.
It is as the saying goes: " How can something be so wrong but yet feel so good and wonderful inside?"

Now that we have seen this, what is the lie? Is it not the energetic experiences? So how come we are still measuring our relationships with these? We are measuring relationships based on energy inside of us that are not equal in reality.
To give an example, two people cheating with one another, will tell you that they feel very good inside, they may even love one another, but yet their action/what they are doing together is unacceptable and they are aware of it being unacceptable, however, the FEELINGS inside are being experienced as " positive" " good"  " wonderful" " beautiful" ...............and what not, all these wonderful positive charged energies are being experienced and coined out in words such as these for description and definition of what they're going through.

So the BIG question remains;" how come we are still trusting these things, these energies, when we can see that they are not trustworthy at all to measure reality with?"
Within this we can see when Self-interest steps in, because now we are going to fight against one another to convince or convict one another when these wonderful feelings turns out to be something " wrong," " bad," " negative," according to our own findings.
They will only be what we all describe and define them to be, when it suits us personally in our doings!!!!

Now, how can we solve these problems?

As one can see, this is not only the problem with these people within these particular exceptional cases, however what they experience inside, that which they are using for their defense is the same that all humans experience when they are in love.
So WHO are we to condemn these individuals, calling them names and ostracizing them, when we are aware that what they are going through on the level of experiencing love is the same what we experience in our own relationships we have. Why is their love wrong and ours right? Love cannot be two things, understand that the experience itself is the same inside these people, it is the same positive energy charge that they are going through.

Thus to solve this problem, we all need to start forgiving these feelings, these emotions, these energetic charges we are experiencing inside ourselves, and we also make sure to measure the physical reality with common sense. And common sense is, that which is best for all practically measured and lived, that will have an outcome that is equal and one, best for all.

At desteni, this is what we do, we investigate ourselves, we assess what we do and what we do not do and to see if what we are doing will have an outcome that is best for all practically. As I have walked with you here to show you how we as humans are using love to measure our relationships with, to give it value and importance and to see it as something good, when love itself is not equal in the physical reality as it is being felt inside, the feelings do NOT match the reality outside. The physical reality, how we treat each other in the physical reality IS our truth! This is the WHO we are! What we accept and what we allow.

Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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Day 367 Genetic Sexual Attraction ( GSA)

Let me start with first defining  what this Genetic Sexual Attraction is according to many.

" Genetic Sexual Attraction, is an attraction that occurs between family member whom got reunited for the very first time in their lives, family members whom have never met each other before." 

                                                

This is a highly controversial topic to talk about, because people in this world have certain ideas/believes/judgments about what should and should not be acceptable in societies.

Understand that these cases are more often cases that are exceptional. These are not an everyday occurrences.

About 50% of these people when they first meet, experience a deeper level of bondage that slowly but surely transforms into what we term: " love"  and with love comes: " sexual attraction." 

The majority of the cases wherein this happens is always between a daughter that meets her dad for the very first time after never have met him before in her life. It mostly never happens with a mother meeting for the first time with her son, or a father meeting for the first time with his son. Also brother and sisters or first and second cousins etc etc.....

Let me also add, the WHY, I have chosen this topic to write about, mostly because of 3 words. However also to walk some common sense points in regard to this topic to show how messed up we are in our minds, not condoning nor condemning these particular individuals.

***  LOVE

***  BONDAGE

***  SEX

Because of this phenomenon it makes me question love even more. Now what is love really? What is this intense deep level of " bondage" these individuals go through with one another however they don't go through it with other people? And why is it so intense that it becomes sexual, that it needs an outlet?

Before I continue I also have to add another question: " where in time did we all decide what kind of love is " good" and what kind of love is " bad ?"   Is there such a thing as " good love" and " bad love,"  or are these just figments of our imaginations that have become judgments and justifications. If love was real, would it not be just one thing, just as the word itself, one word, just: " love?" 

Within this, one can already see/realize and understand how we have split/separate/divide love into two things, a love that is being seen as " good " and a love that is being seen as " bad " 

And when do we see it as " bad? ".........................  When there is SEX  involved in relation to these particular EXCEPTIONAL cases.

Seen from the perspective of the individuals experiencing love about one another within these cases, they will tell you that it is " good thing." 

Now they have a problem, because the world is telling them that what they are experiencing as good inside themselves is actually bad, however they do not experience it as bad. They might feel bad about themselves for experiencing these feelings of love about one another, however because they are aware that they are being judged for it, they feel bad about being judged by others, and not per say because the feelings themselves within them is being felt like " bad."

As one can see we have a dilemma now. What is the dilemma? Well it is the following. 

On one side we have two individuals experiencing love within themselves as love is being defined as in this world, you know? Something: " good,"  " beautiful,"  " profound," " serene,"  and what not.............however because it is unacceptable in the eyes of the majority, it MUST be not this kind of love, it must be wrong, they are confused. Are they? Purely looking at the experience of the feeling of love about one another alone, are they?

So now let me add BONDAGE in the mix. The moment these individuals experience what they term a profound and deep level of bondage with one another, is the moment where the body will start to want to have SEX.

Sex for most humans in this world is the ultimate form of intimacy on a physical level, but also on a psychological level. So in other words, for the bondage and the love to have any form of legitimacy and any kind of realness on a physical level, sex must come into play. Sex is like the measurement these individuals take to measure their bondage and love to see for themselves if it is " good." Sex is what makes the circle complete. And because the level of love and bondage is very high between these individuals, sex will be experienced as highly exceptional too, just as is their case.

Here is a video one can watch:

                                                             

Will continue with this in the next blog............

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

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Day 350, Why do I Allow limitation Part 2

So here I am within this blog going to write about the points I mentioned in the blog previous to this one.

If one have not read that blog yet, click here to go to it.

                                                           

                                                       


So the points that I am going to work out in this blog are the following:

** Fearing confrontational disputes with other people

** Fear being disliked

** Fear for being hated by others

** Fear for being avoided by others

** Fear for being seen as a "negative person."

Self-forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to go through confrontational disputes with other people, because I am aware that within these confrontation I can loose myself trying to prove a point without seeing/realizing and understanding that not everyone is at the same level of understanding as I might be, and even if they were it is about what will be best for all life and not me trying to prove a point or wanting another to agree with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that trying to make someone agree with me is enough, when I am aware that the agreeing point is just a starting point, it is not an actual real agreement yet as in moving myself within and as the point I have agreed upon, thus I might just agree about theoretical mind jargon that make sense for the both of us within the moment, but it does not necessarily mean that I am actually going to change myself to live that which we both see needs change, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even though I am seeing what I must do in order to change myself and take a stand in where I stand and what I stand for and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked, because in being disliked I perceive it as equal to being alone in the sense of not being able to be included in the majority and thus being communicatively none existent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left out of being communicated to or being able to communicate with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being communicated at or left out of being communication with others because it implies that I will be on my own, and that I fear actually deep within myself to actually in fact to be alone as in having no-one to communicate with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hated by others, because within me I am aware that hate breeds violence and within violence one can go through very harsh physical abuse and thus within this, fearing to go through the physical abuse that is accompanied with lots of physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being avoided by others, because of again when being avoided by others I will go through the experience of being left behind and alone, not worthy of communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not worthy to be communicated with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a negative person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a negative person is someone to be feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a negative person is automatically someone to be feared and thus within this not wanting to be seen as a negative person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement I have about judging others judging me being a negative person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own judgment about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that by fearing my own judgement will make the judgement disappear.

To be continued................

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

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Day 341, A dream about an occurence with a woman I am attracted to. Part 2

Now continuing with the deconstruction of my first blog about this point. For more insights, do have a look at the link I am placing here.

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2014/12/day-340-dream-about-occurence-with.html


Now I am continuing with the self-commitment statements:


                       

Self-Commitment statement:

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into desiring her, I stop--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, ground myself within and as my physical breathing till I clear and stable within and as myself.

I realize I am desiring her, because of interpreting my attraction to her into giving the sexual attraction more impetus, thus leaving out the other attractions as being comfortable with her and around her and stable and also being able to move more freely as and within myself with her.

Therefore, I commit myself to explore myself better and learn from what I gathered when being around her, because within this I can see that I experience a grounding, a stability, a comfortability that I did not experience with others before that is practical, physical, thus making sure to go deeper into exploring within myself to use this opportunity to learn about myself more and thus getting to know myself as I am getting to know her.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into creating an energetic positive experience within myself, I stop---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am creating this positive energetic experience within myself but in separation with the actual experience itself thus not getting into the depth of the experience as the positive energy experience itself, and within this not being able to direct myself within and as this energy and allow myself to be carried away.

Thus within this I commit myself to really direct myself within my positive energy experience and make sure to give it back to my body and use that in a way that is practical to/towards myself and to/towards her.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into wanting and feeling energetically that I want to kiss her, I stop-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that my want to kiss her is about me fantasizing about it within my mind and thus generating energy within my mind.

Thus within this, I commit myself to let go of this generation of energy within myself but first also letting go of the fantasizing about kissing her that is making me generate energy within myself. Thus when this happen I make sure to immediately to step out of it by reminding myself to breathe first grounding myself and than to change myself in the moment itself by staying here, in the touch of my breath and the touch of my hands.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into wanting and sexually desiring her, I stop------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am confusing the comfortability and stability when being with her or in her presence and give it a sexual desire, so I can start accumulating and building energy within my mind using the attraction of being in her presence and really getting to know her.

Thus therefore, I commit myself to when I am with her to only make sure I focus on the stability and comfort I am experiencing and learn about that, because it is something that I need to learn to be, make part of my expression as myself in this world.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into being impatience about myself waiting and projected on her as if I have to wait for her, I stop------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am projecting waiting on her as if I am the one that have to wait for her, but in reality it is me fighting against my own impatience, thus that I am the one that have to learn to live patience.

Thus within this, I commit myself to direct  myself using the tools of self-forgiveness and self-commitment  done in self-honesty to become someone that lives patience and just be here doing what I must do to bring about that which is best for all, whatever will happen will happen, because she can also find someone else and decide to choose to be sharing her life with this someone else.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into wanting to protect the woman I am with or want to be with, I stop-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am here and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am relying and applying within myself an old relationship pattern wherein men believe that they are made to protect the woman, because the woman is weak somehow and they are strong, thus within this wanted to express this old construct within and as a relationship to feel better about myself.

Therefore, I commit myself to use the tools I have at my disposal as self-forgiveness and self-correction done in self-honesty to release free myself from this old pattern and construct about relationships between a man and a woman.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into giving a woman more value because of me being able to protect her, I stop---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that within this I have allowed myself to programmed myself into believing that a woman have more value if I am able to protect her, as if she is a prize I have won, thus this prize is to be admired and honored, but purely from the perspective that I won the prize as her.


Thus within this, I commit myself to release myself from this program that I have programmed myself to be and become utilizing the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction done in self-honesty to stop and change within myself to not see the woman as a prize that I won, thus the woman as the prize itself is not of value, but my winning of her as the prize anymore, but to see and live with her as an equal expression of life here having the same value as I have to express myself as life here.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into feeling sorry for her because of interpreting that she cannot defend herself with words when others are attacking her with knowledge and information that she does not have clear understanding of yet, I stop---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I feel sorry for because I feel sorry for myself to when I am in similar situation or have been in similar situation and thus remembering myself going through that I project this onto her.

Therefore within this I commit myself focus resolving and releasing myself from this construct within and as myself of feeling sorry about myself and thus when there is a similar situation outside myself I generate the same emotion again within myself, thus making sure to forgive myself in that moment and stay focus on my breathing, grounding myself touching myself by holding my two hands together to remind myself to stay here when I am busy grounding myself and releasing myself from this emotional pattern.



Thanks,


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

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Day 336, What happens when I am not moving, and I am stuck.

I am going to have an honest look for myself about me not moving, by this I mean; I am aware of it, and I know what I have to do and also how I have to do it. Now when it comes to the actual doing itself, is where the problem lies.



                             

So, when I ask myself the question: "Why are you not doing what you are aware you MUST do?''

Now first thing that popped up in my mind was like looking for ways to find an excuse, or a good enough excuse for me to avoid telling myself, that you just DO IT!

What I noticed within me when I ask myself this question too, is that I experience an energetic movement within my solar plexus, and with this energetic movement an idea pops up within my mind giving me the impression that I just have to sleep this out.

So when I ask myself this question I can immediately see that I move myself in my mind trying to avoid at all costs to make myself do what I am aware I must do in order to change myself once and for all completely.

Then within this I get this urge to want to watch a movie, but the wanting to watch a movie appears within my mind as a scam, meaning; I am trying to convince myself initially that I am going to watch a movie for the purpose of enjoying it, but more so to learn something about it in order to put my take of common sense perspectives into writing later on, of which of course will never happen. I end up watching a movie seeing all the points I can see, but yet not taking any notes, and eventually I finish watching the movie without the so-called purpose I gave myself to convince myself that I will be doing something valuable in relation to my process. But as I can see here, this whole watching a movie urge came from finding another route to avoid myself engaging in working on myself. When in the process of watching the movies I can see how my mind moves and connect dots about other movies I have seen and also information I have gathered, create like a whole scrapbook scenario within my mind about the connecting dots, which of course I always enjoyed doing, but yet again; I do not do anything with this. So within all this I can see how I am actually looking at all the potentials I have to create things, but yet again when it comes to the actual doing I back down, I give up or give in.

So, I am going to present here for myself and of course for you the reader what goes on within my mind during this scrapbook thingy. The reason as I mentioned this happens is because I can see that I am trying to convince myself that I can do this, and that I have certain very cool talents that of course I never use, I am just telling myself that I do. So in this way I have something to use against myself in order to trap myself into avoiding taking my responsibility to/towards myself and others as myself.

I have noticed throughout my life that my mind works at best with certain picture or animation form for me to remember things, you know; like some people are good in remembering numbers or sentences and words, well I am good in remembering stuff with a picture presentation of whatever I have seen.

Now before I continue with this I like to point out that the way I am writing this in this specific manner is for me to work it all out later on in the blogs to come in regards to this specific point.

So let me move on to write down what I see in my own mind during my process of watching movies.
Bear in mind that all I will be placing here even though it may not look like it relate to the topic of my post, trust me it does, because throughout the years I have been working with my own mind I have seen/realized and understood that my mind is like a box with lots of scrap papers that look like a bunch of stuff that are unrelated, but yet what I miss is that they are all scrap papers, thus related.

When most movies start at the beginning, one will see what company is presenting the movie and afterwards what company is producing the movie and these are accompanied with some symbol of some sorts related to the specific company. Now most of the times the symbols will breakdown or morph into something else or detached themselves and get back on together. I have always find this very fascinating and I keep asking myself how they can do that. Now when I ask myself this question I find myself in my mind trying to look for ways as to what kind of programs and specific software would be needed to create such effects. So within my mind the effect of flashing and morphing of symbols and words accompanied with sounds/music throw me into a fantasy world of wanting to be a story teller using these kind of effects with animation or symbols as is being used in movies. I find this way of informing people about something very effective.

The movie starts, and there is along the way in the beginning music accompanying the whole specific scene that is being presented. So when this is happening, depending on what specific melody the music is playing, I within my mind can couple the movie scene with another movie scene I have seen in the past and also with some memories I have about something I found very important that someone said and that I placed it there within my mind to work on it, and I start getting ideas about how that would come about and what I have to do to bring to fruition such undertaking.
Immediately within this thought process I start to also tell myself that this would be such a huge undertaking, because I do not want to use copied stuff, I want to make my own, something I created all by myself, but yet because I do not have the know how I crack myself down, and never in these thought processes I will tell myself to find out what goes on behind the scenes how can one learn all about creating digital animation that would capture the people attention and give them an impression of what goes on within my mind as how I see things. Thus I have been carrying this thing for a long time as to how I can be effective in letting people SEE how I look at things within my mind for purposes of exposing how the mind works.
An interesting thing that happens also is that when watching the movie, depending on what mood the movie is giving as impression I shoot off images of past recollections of moments I have spent with people I was or have some relations with either known individuals or unknown individuals and sometimes with the images I will have an remembrance of what I felt when interacting with these specific individuals. Lets say, that this individual had some unpleasant body odor, I will only remember and experience within that moment how I felt about getting the body odor through my nose that I will be finding unpleasant about this individual.
Throughout the movie my mind will keep on using scenes as platforms to engage within my mind into specific memories and also bringing up ideas that may look great watching them through my mind, but that will never be implemented by myself.

So that was a bit about what goes on in my mind when watching movies, but of course much more happens, in that moment itself that I will not put here, because it will be too much to place here if I would go into the specific as in how I look at scenes that had shot mistakes.

So, now how is all this related to my topic one may ask?

Very easy, it is because all of it falls in the category of distracting myself into making sure I do not move and do what I must really do.

Tomorrow I will be starting with the deconstruction in relation to this point in self-forgiveness statements.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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Day 330, Very Naughty Children??

I have recently found that my children have become very naughty children. They are out of control.
This bothers me a little because I am not there to really be of help and can't be there either. They live in another country.
The day the mother took that decision to leave with them, I already told her that, looking at how they were already behaving here, that things might get worse and whuala......this is exactly what happened.

I wanted to bring them here to me, but now that I know this I don't want to do this anymore, I have doubts about it, because I on my own have financial problems to cope with and then to have two children who don't listen and do what they find fit them best whatever that would mean, I don't want that.






                                                                   

So the question I ask myself is how am I going to take my self-responsibility towards myself and then to them, because this is not a simple challenge and no matter how I put it, I am responsible for them.

There are children that are "normal naughty" = they do kids stuff......but my children are beyond this.

My daughter is into boys right now, she is 14, but these boys are not just boys, they are sometimes man older man and I am talking about problematic boys/man.....street/ganster types. That is what she is attracted to, as most girls go through in their teenage years. She steals and love to bring trouble into peoples lives They're vengeful and want to make another pay all the time if they find the other hurt them either emotionally or physically.

My son is fighting continously at school just to be a bully and is contiously talking about wanting to kill people, and I am not talking about "kid stuff " here. He is 8 years old.


                                                       

I see that they have adopted within their lives all that are harmful towards themselves and others as themselves and brought it to an extreme level and live it out as if it is a normal thing to do and to be.

I am writing this, because I am aware that some people may have the assumption that this can be impossible and they are just kids doing kids stuff. If one was lucky enough to have children that are easy to talk to and they listen, then one can say it is just "kid stuff" but it is when one is really into the situation itself with kids that are already on the extreme end and  one have not gotten much of an influence in their lives that one will see that it is not as it can be with children that do listen more easily to their parents. So for those whom think/believe that this is just "kid stuff,"  and that the problem I am having with my children is just like any other parent in the world is having with their children, I can assure you it is not.

The worry I am having is how do I fix this problem when I myself is also having problems that have to do with money. Because by bringing them to me, means that I am going to be leaving them alone at home when I am working and cannot afford "babysitter" at the moment. And besides that---------- I work 3 shifts, thus they are going to be alone at nights and that would be a wonderful opportunity for my daughter to do whatever at home when I am not there.

So I can see that in this situation money also plays a very decisive role, because of lack of money I cannot make certain decisions well.
I am also aware that if I leave them there, they will be lost, and will be a challenge maybe to help them change themselves.




Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my children becoming very extreme naughty children that are out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like it is my fault that they have become this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that what is playing out in my life is the outcomes that I am experiencing in my life where I have not taken my self-responsibility as I should have done and also within this in the lives of the children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to blame myself and the mother for what is happening with the children.

I forgive mysellf that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel emotionally sad about the whole situation, because I am aware that I do not want them to get lost along the way and ruin their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is my fault that they are the way they are and that it is my fault that they have made the decision to change themselves to be the way they have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am too late to help them help themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the chance to really sit and have a look at what are the possibilities for me to take some kind of action that would result into that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat: " I'm getting tired of this S***"  to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I am aware that because of not having enough money puts me in a position wherein I cannot do much to support the children as I would like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that most people won't understand  the situation and will give some advise that most of the times can be applied only with children that do listen, that are doing just "kids stuff."


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people that do not have children that are extreme in a way of being naughty but do not appear like they are extreme, and that  these people will think and believe that what they apply with their children will work with my children to.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that most child psychologists have very nice theories but when it comes to the actual being in the moment with the child that does not listen the theory does not work and within this I feel like a little frustrated because I experience the psychologist then putting it on me that I must be doing something wrong in the application of the theory.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own children to be very naughty without actually really be with them and live with them as they are now, because they are not living with me in this country.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wanting to have them be with me, because I think and believe that I might fail, when the reality of the matter is they are not here, so how would I know if I would fail or not?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if they were with me that they would not have turned into what they are now according to the stories I am hearing from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes experience a little bit of disgust to/towards people that say to me that they are lucky that their children turned out to be "good children," and that they don't have to go through all this that I am going through with mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when the people are telling me that they are lucky with their children turning out to be "good children," I am busy in my mind backchatting and saying to them in my mind: " are you serious, just look at the state of the world we live in, there is nothing "Good" about the state of the  world we live in at all, and the children that are now here are being programmed to be even worse than us," to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very angry at people whom want to give me an advise that has to do with a future projection of positivity and telling me not to worry because everything is going to be alright, when I am aware that without me taking my responsibility to/towards my children and all children in this world and to do whatever it takes to make sure that the possibility exists that they will come to the realization for themselves that they have to choose life above anything and anyone else, would be a living  reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of me being with my children and sometimes when they do not listen to me, that I have to raise my voice to go above their voice in order for them to then be quiet and listen to me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can do this.



more to come soon.........................


Thanks.



Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

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