Day 383, day 4 of SF on aloneness

Within this blog,  I am going to do self forgiveness on what I wrote about in the previous blog.





                                                                               

                                                                                

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be sexually very energetically busy and that I keep on finding ways to keep on, with the keeping on of engaging in energetic mind sex, with this, accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in relation to how I have define sex for myself within myself and through what I have done in conjunction with how I have defined sex for myself and outwardly live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept from myself that it is totally o.k. to have sex with anyone that is a woman or looks a lot like a woman, because using them is where I will feed my sexual energy, always looking and paying attention to what they say in order to find a point of weakness where I can commence and eventually get into the sexual talk and see where they are within it and from there build on that little point, till they break/accept the invitation, which is actually a manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very manipulative when it comes to sex with women and try and justify it, just because the women give me their permission to do so, however even though I am aware that without their permission there will be no sex talk or anything sexual, I am also aware that I manipulate them in order to get their permission, I have become a permission seeker freak, to use it to work for me, in order to satisfy my energetic mind sexual energy.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that in trying to manipulate others to have sex with me in any form or any other way or shape,  to satisfy my mind sexual energy, is actually me giving in into the programming I have created within and as myself as mind sexual energy seeker, depending on another for my mind sexual need of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this mind sex energy that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do  whatever it takes to make sure I am always vigilant in bringing about ways to get into this mind sex energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly groom this energy within me, creating within me experiences of feeling alone, just to make sure I go and do something about it outwardly that will have me satisfying this mind sex energy I have created myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do whatever it takes to make sure that my self-created mind sex energy is always, when it comes to relationships with women I find attractive,  to be the first thing to be triggered within me in order to give value to what I am seeing outwardly that coincide with what I have accepted and allowed within myself as what I need in order to experience this mind sex energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this mind sex energy as all that I am now,  without seeing, realizing, and understanding how and why I created myself within and as this mind sex energy in order to stop and change what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this mind sex energy as something bad, wrong and negative however yet not making a clear decision about what I see and judge myself as bad,wrong and negative in order to find out about how I created it to stop myself, to first release myself from it and to then redefine for myself how I should be living in a way that does not bring harm to myself or abuse to myself, nor to others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the harm and abuse that I am standing within and as- as separation within and as myself as an example in this world through projecting this separation I am within outwardly, to and towards people and things, so that the separation within me continues to exist as what I have accepted and allowed as me - as if it is not coming from me or lives within me, when even though I am aware that only I experience my inner experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify certain harms and abuse as less worse than others, forgetting at all that abuse is abuse, and always have an outcome as consequence that is equal to what it is and represent through and via me and all humans in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself a lot when it comes to mind sex energy, giving in into it and giving up on my process of being and becoming equal and one within and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the giving in, into mind sex energy, because I am aware of the addiction I have created within and as myself to and towards this mind sex energy I indulge within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify for myself that there is nothing " wrong" with this indulging within and as this mind sex energy, meanwhile being aware that it is not what is best for me nor what is best for all of LIFE.


To be continued.......................


Thanks,


Larry Manuela

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Day 370, Drug Experimentation, Success or Failure? Part 2

As I wrote in the previous blog, that I am going to use my own experience too, to take it back to self-responsibility.

This piece however is about myself, experimenting with drugs, usually soft-drugs and some research chemicals when I was a student.

For those of you whom haven't read the previous blog, here is the link:


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/12/day-369-drug-experimentation-success-or.html



                                                                     

So now to having a look at myself.
When I was a student, I used to have 2 friends that loved smoking weed. In the beginning I did not smoke weed with them, however after awhile, just to test it out to see what this weed thing is all about, I smoked it with them.
To tell you the truth I did not like it, I could not understand what this fuss about getting high was all about, because high to me was like my body was in a state of too much relaxation, like everything became very slow, I experienced my heart rate beating very slow, like if my heart rate would be like 40 beats in a minute when I am normally relaxed, with being high I would have a heart rate about 20 beats a minute, just to have a measurement here about what I mean with I experience myself too slow. However to these friends of mine, this slowness is what they loved about being high so much and called it: " cool chilling."

So one day I decided to try a synthetic drug. There was this store where I used to live that was called: " the pope."   Imagine that. Anyways I went into the store and I bought something that is called: " Rush." I found it got its name because that is exactly what it does, what it makes you go through. You literally experience yourself in a rush. However this one you have to smell it. On the little bottle they mention to NOT take it with alcohol or drugs. Oh by the way the reason I did was because this rush was explicitly for higher performance during sex, and I wanted to see what they meant with: " higher performance"
So I bought it and went home with it. Later in the evening I decided to just try it out alone before I use it with a girlfriend I had at the time.
So I smelled in the little bottle to see what would happen. Now after just a few seconds I felt my heart beat racing like hell. It gave me a sensation that I needed to do something with my body. In this very moment I understood immediately what they meant with: " higher performance."
However after awhile I started to become a little worried, because I felt like this hyper experience was not going to go away and my heart was beating at enormous speeds. It felt like, if I do not move myself got out of bed and do something my heart is just going to continue going faster and faster till it can not beat anymore and just stop.
So I stood up and I thought, it would be better for me to take a walk in the vicinity of the hospital, because where I was living was just one block away from the hospital, so in case I fall down, I can be rushed into the hospital immediately, because I am at the front door.
However after walking like 45 minutes or so, my heartbeat started to go down, and I could breath normally again.
Guess what? Even though I went through this scary moment, I decided to give it a go anyways with the girlfriend I had then. And I literally became like a pitbull in bed, because the " rush" makes you want to keep on going like that for a long time in a very high speed.
Anyways I did use it 2 or 3 more times after that with her, but I did not like it, because I am the kind of guy that prefers when having sex with a woman to have sex in a love making fashion, that whole pitbull thing is not really my thing.

Now going back to weed. I smoked with these two friends of mine for awhile, but the only time I would smoke it was when I was with them, I myself did not go and buy weed and smoke it all by  myself, because I really did not like the experience of being high, as I said in the beginning of this blog, that I get too slow,  I experience everything too slow, and that is not " fun"  to me.
I noticed to that when I was high I would forget things in a second and try to remember like for hours.
There was this one time I smoked with one of these friends and he asked me if I could get him some water, because he was at my house then, so I went into the kitchen to get him some water, however when I got into the kitchen I could not remember what the heck I was doing there, and I was just walking up and down in the kitchen trying to remember, what the heck I was doing there, repeating the same question over and over: " o.k. what am I suppose to get here in the kitchen?"

After like 30 minutes or so I returned and my friend asked me: " where is my water?" And I immediately started to laugh and I told him, I went into the kitchen but could not remember what I was suppose to get there, and we both started to laugh like crazy, like this thing was super super funny, we got into a laugh-kick as they call it. And sometimes I would start a conversation on a topic and just in the middle of it completely forget what the heck I was talking about, and than we will both be very quiet like for a long time, like he is waiting for me to remember, while in my mind I was done telling the story, when in reality I was not, I just ended it in the middle of the story telling, like a sudden: " the end." After like 10 to 15 minutes we will both realized what happened and we both will start laughing like crazy again.

Now moments like these are being considered fun when being high, because one can laugh at the stupidity of all this forgetting stuff.
And I then noticed that lots of people I used to see being high would do some of these things, forgetting what they are doing or saying and find it all very funny. However when I was not high and I sat down and thought about it, I found it not fun. My friends will sometimes forget their wallets or their jackets or sometimes believing that they have forgotten something and ran back to the place looking for " something" but yet do not even know what exactly they believe they've lost. Or they will think and believe they lost their keys, but just misplaced it somewhere else where they do not normally put it.
So I looked at all the stuff, and I asked myself: " what the heck is fun about that?"

After awhile one can say life itself took care of all this, because of changes in our lives we just went apart from each other and I never saw these friends again, and so the whole weed thing stopped to with all of it.

In my next blog, I will be taking responsibility for what I have done here in the past.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

And do the life course and perfect yourself: DIP

Study this  proposal which is:  LIG