In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Within this post i am going to write about whom i was and whom i am in this moment.
My name is Larry, and my last name is Manuela. I was born in 1972 on an island called: '' Bonaire.''
When i was 4 and half years old, my parents let me stay on the farm with my grandmother so she can have a companion while she was there. This choice my parents made to let me stay with my grandmother on the farm was for me the greatest gift they could have ever gifted me as i can see it now, because in that period from 4,5 to 6 years old i got to spent it on the land and being close to nature and seeing how nature works as how we dealt with nature there in that particular time and period. When i have a look back, this was the period in my life that i had the most fun, when it comes to living.
I was raised in a middle class family. My father was the one that was the only one that worked. In that time my mother even though she did study something, she studied to become a Stenographer, but she never worked as one, she have decided that it would be better to stay at home and raise the children, that was their decision.
My father have worked as a electrician in a Dutch radio broadcaster company on the island. When it comes to work i took my father's example, my father was very good with his hands, he could/can fix anything, not that i can fix anything like him, but when it comes to having the ''physical feeling'' of how to work physically, i have got it from him. He started as a normal electrician in this company and by the time he was retired he worked himself up all the way to a technical service supervisor. Of course he was the only one i could have as an example when it came to work, because he was the only one working in our family of 5.
I have two siblings, two sisters. I am the second child my mother and father had.
When i started kindergarten everything was well, i enjoyed it a lot, it was fun.
Then i moved to elementary school, here is where i started experiencing discomfort and did not like school that much any longer. My head was more placed in wanting to have fun, play and not so much into pounding stuff in my head, i experienced it as being very boring, and lenghty. But i did have a teacher who was a female teacher whom i liked a lot, and i was so lucky that i had this same teacher for a very long time from the first grade all the way to the 4 th grade, she moved with us as we were proceeding, so she really got to know us. She saw that i had some difficulty with math at the time and she asked my mother if she could help me by letting me go to her home and she will give me extra attention so she can explain to me better, because she told me she can see that i can do it, but there is something that is holding me back and she wanted to know what that was. And of course it was the boredom....lol I enjoyed this teacher very much, she was my favorite teacher and in that time my favorite person too. I admired her, she became my rolemodel so to speak, someone i can look up to.
I had to do the 3rd and the 4th grade twice, and this also played a role in what i will become, because those whom stayed behind so to speak were being seen as not good enough or that they are stupid or whatever. So as one can see, 6 years of my life as a kid in school was spent with this teacher i liked a lot. It was in the elementary school too, that i had all of my fights with bullies, all these things shaped the whom i will become later on.
When it comes to sport on this field i was also like my father even though i did not choose the same sports he liked. My love was for soccer. My father love was for ping-pong and basketball. But all physical sports i participated in, i could see that i had an advantage then others, i picked it up faster, the moves and so on. I didn't like nothing where i had to use my mind. I loved things where i can move and use my body, still do by the way....lol
Then i moved to lower general secondary education, is what they had in my time. Here to i flunked twice, but this time it was different then when i did in elementary school. This time it was about the material itself, thus i had questions about the materials we were being given in school and i was not being answered, or the answers were not satisfactory for me, thus i started to take it all as not important, because to me at the time, learning meant i had questions and in school we are going to explore the questions, which to me at the time as i understood within myself is what learning was suppose to be, i just couldn't just accept what was being taught, just because it was written in a book and because the teachers say so. And i was very stubborn too. By this time and as a kid i was already questioning things in life, and this pattern continued throughout my life. But eventually i finished this lower general secondary school and i got to choose what i wanted to become. This was the most difficult thing ever for me to do, because in reality even though i did not tell anyone, i really didn't have any ideas whatsoever what i really wanted to do. It was like there was something i needed to understand first in life, before i can make such a decision, but of course i didn't even know what it was i needed to understand before i choose what i wanted to study and then become as worker in the future. There was something missing, and i couldn't get it. Now i can write about it like this, but in that time, i could not even place it like this. I just knew one thing: '' i am missing something.''
Now i had an uncle whom was sea-man, he was traveling all over the globe and when he was coming to the island he always came with these wonderful stories of what he saw in his life during his travelings around the world, my uncle was a very clever man, he knew a lot of things. He worked his way up on board of sea vessels and he became a chefcook.
So because of his stories i then decided that i will also want to see those things he was talking about, so i deciced that i wanted to become a captian of a sea vessel, so that was my choice, but this was pure on a sense of adventure. But to study this i had to move to this country i now live in, which is The Netherlands. The Netherlands is part of a Kingdom still and is together with 6 other islands part of this Kingdom. That is why there exists no Dutch Passport as many always make this huge mistake. There is only a Kingdom Of The Netherlands passport.
So i came here with the intention to study to become this captian of sea vessels, just because i wanted to explore the world and see how people were living all over the world as my uncle was telling me/us when he occassionally visited the island.
So anyway i never became this captian and i never went to sea. I instead study and did a course on how to built ships and i did finish it, but i did not work long doing this either, and i just kept on learning lots and lots different things, all on having to do with technical stuff, but as i look back, never in my life did i have a real steady job, it was like a pattern in my life, still to this day, i am working now, but it is NOT a steady job, i am just working long in the same place, that is all.....lol
But all these things together made me question life more and more, or what is happening in life, because as they say; 'it is when things are not working out in your life, that you start to question things for real.' But i was like this already all of my life, questioning everything, it just became more serious.
Have a look at our solution to all the problems in this world, and i mean ALL: EQUALMONEY
Support our research and by one or more of our educational products that will surely blow your mind: EQAFE
Walk yourself out of your illusion back into the physical LIFE substance through using the tools in this course: DIP
Do the course of a lifetime and change yourself in order to change the world:DIP If not able to afford this one, here is a free version to get you started in becoming a REAL caring human being: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
I had a dream yesterday and it was as follows: I was somewhere on my island of birth and there was like this little path with little water-tables here and there, and on one side of this path one will have the ocean with its waves coming in, and on the other side one will have the lagoon that will be filled with this ocean current that is coming in. Now a guy i know from the island was on the other side of this path and he was like digging some little holes with its fingers in the path where the soil was wet and more easily to push ones finger through. I was observing him and the thought appear within me:'' doesn't he know about the whole ebb and flow phenomena, he is an intelligent guy, he must know..?'' So i walked on this path to meet him and when i reached him, instead of asking him if he knew about the whole ebb and flow phenomena, i just automatically started to help him digging these little holes in the soil using my fingers, in this case my middle-finger. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````
So now that is all i remember about this dream, i don't see the reason why he was digging little holes in this pathway that eventually when the water rises will be gone anyways. For those whom don't know about dreams, first of all, when one dreams, everything and everyone in the dream is YOU...!! It is your dream and the dream is happing in your mind, with pictures and images and sounds and voices and people and land and everything.........all of which is yourself as all of that. I am saying this, because many people belief that when they dream and they see someone that they know in the dream, that somehow it has to do with them in the dream, but it is all ourselves alone. It is what we have imprinted within our minds as pictures that are memories, our own data-base of information recorded by the mind from what the mind interpret of the reality we engage in and the people we interact with and from everything else. Now i am going to point out and then work out all the words in this dream and to see what kind of relationship i have created within myself to/towards them. words to work with: ** my island of birth ** path way ** ocean ** water-tables ** holes dugg with fingers ** ebb and flow ** intelligent guy ** soil ** middle finger Now that i have the words that i see a connection with them within myself, i can go and start looking at what relationship i have connected with them within me, what these words mean to me in my relationship to them. ** My island of birth: at the moment this island is to me just a dry piece of island in the middle of the ocean where i happened to be bron into this world, where my mother and father and siblings all have been born into this world, it is where i would call ''home.'' ** Path way: This to me represent where i come from, when i was very young how much i liked it to walk on the path ways that the goats will make in the woods, it felt like a natural little road to walk on and a sense of belonging and also a sense of appreciation for they have built a little path way in the middle of the woods where there were none. ** Ocean: I see the ocean as a great force, and where i come from which is an island, the ocean is all around us, and this makes one feel as if one is literally in the middle of this ocean, and one is very vulnerable to it, but yet again it makes one feel as one belong to something much much bigger and powerful. ** water-tables: these water tables i talk about here are small water tables that are left behind in some little holes after it has been raining or as in this case when the ocean have receeded back, like little ponds. And in my experience as a kid with these little water tables after the rain, i saw it as abundance everywhere, where all the animals can just come and they will have water to drink at every step of the way. ** holes dugg with fingers: this reminds me of playing in sand when i was little enjoying myself being creative. ** ebb and flow: the rise and the receeding of the ocean coming in and going out, i have a memory of me going to fish with my father on a bridge where there this happens this whole ebb and flow movement, and found it fascinating when i was a kid. ** intelligent guy: this guy i know from my island of birth is a guy whom is very intelligent, by this i mean he really did his best and studied very well and was a A+ student always, and i remember him as being very quiet not talking to people that much, and somehow i admired him for what he could do,when it comes to studying. ** soil: i always like the smell of the soil when the rain falls on it, it brings the freshness of the soil to my senses, and i have the memory of the soil as being good to me, for when i was little we planted lots of vegetables and fruits and the soil always gave, and i just loved it to see how the growth took place,-------------------- fascinating stuff. ** middle finger: this finger to me is the finger i use most of the times to punch holes in whatever or to digg in holes. Self-forgiveness in relation to all these points: I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally attach myself to an island on this earth, without seeing/realizing/understanding that to attach myself to anything, means big time separation to the rest of what is of and as LIFE. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to an island on this earth by seeing this island as my home, instead of seeing the whole planet as my home and also home of countless of other beings and manifestations that share this planet as our home with me equally and one. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the island where i have been born into this world as a special piece of land, because my parents/grandparents/siblings were also born there, within this excluding the rest of humanity and also the rest of expressions of life on this planet earth, of which this island is just a very tiny part. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this island i was born into, without seeing/realizing/understanding that to define myself according to anything means separation and limitation. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes feel offended if someone would talk negatively about the island where i come from, making me feel as if i have to defend the island, when in reality what i am defending is my own feelings/emotions and believes i have in relation to the island i come from. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect what i think, and what i feel to an island and to be of importance and value to me, when i did not see at all, that all of it is my own mind garbage and has nothing to do at all with the island itself. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use '' my island'' as a way to protect my own self-interest, my own idea of what i think/feel about this island and the people that live there. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into believing that what i think and belief about an island is what i am, and in this make me react when this island that i have define myself as is being critisized/questioned, or the people that live there are being questioned/critisized/judged, when in reality it is all ME, because i am the one wherein the idea of what the island means to me exist within me and as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea within myself in relation to pathways on my island of birth that are being made by goats walking behind each other on the same path till it becomes a little pathway, and that this pathway gave me a feeling of belonging to nature and an appreciation to nature, when in reality all this is my own self-created idea about this path creation by the goats. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect feelings to nature and based on the feelings to appreciate and try to belong to nature, i think and belief i am one with nature and the animals when in reality i am not. I forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a SENSE of belonging to nature instead of BEING part of nature, because in the ''belonging'' i am implying separating myself from that which i am part of and as. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think/perceive/see the ocean as something that is powerful beyond me, and that made me FEEL as if i am in the middle of it and that i belong to the ocean, wherein once again i use the word ''belonging'' as in seeing/perceiving myself as separate from the ocean instead of seeing myself as one as equal as the ocean, as the ocean is part of me as my physical body is part of the ocean one and equal together as NATURE, as LIFE. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive little water-tables on a pathway as something that signified abundance/plenty, without seeing/realizing/understanding that all of this is my own self-created idea i have hold on to from the moment i created that idea within myself as a kid, without ever truly questioning, nor understanding what these watertables really are in fact and how they really support LIFE, which in this matter i created myself more into separation from reality, because i was seeing/interpreting reality from the perspective of my mind-view/perspective and not from a living application, thus as a living as the body as one and equal with ALL of nature and ALL of LIFE. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory within me as a kid digging holes in the sand with my fingers and seeing/interpreting/preceiving this through my mind as being creative, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i was in my mind creating an idea of what creativity is or should be, without never ever in fact BEING creative, thus in fact standing as the point of creating itself, that creating is ME, that i understand creativity as ME, and i live creativity as the WHOM I AM, in fact one and equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link/connect creativity with an idea about creativity in my mind instead of truly just live creativity, as in BEING creative. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect ebb and flow to a memory and from thereof find fascination within it, without being fascinating about the movement of the ocean itself as in ebb and flow as part of me as part of NATURE as one as equal as LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget how i really experienced the whole ebb and flow movement of the ocean when i was a kid, and that i now only have this fascination with the whole phenomena only from the perspective of, and in relation with a memory, and NOT as an actuality, NOT as an IN-factness. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide certain experiences within myself when i was kid that were of importance to me as to live as the physical body deep inside me, that it now takes effort to remember them, so i can use them in order to understand how i in fact experience my own physical body in relation to/with nature when i was a kid, because as a kid one is NOT yet deep rooted in the mind and the workings of the mind, one is more physically expressive, and applying oneself more physically. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to admire a guy i know from my place of birth, because of him being very intelligent and always doing his best in his studies, within this i am implying to myself that i may NOT be capable of achieving such things, just because i limited myself in the past in relation to studying because it was something for me to be against, because of the moment in classes where i was refused answers to many questions and they were just shovel aside as IF they were of no importance, within which i created a pattern within myself to be against studying/study institutions/teachers, because from my perspective/understanding to study or to learn something means that i have questions about things i don't understand so i need answers to help me understand these things i don't understand, thus by not giving me an answer i took it as NOT wanting me to understand what i asked about. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself abhor studying or learning just because of a few incidents with teachers, instead of looking at studying itself or learning itself, but took it on the institution and the teachers and myself as a form of blame, in this case sabotating myself to NOT learn or study what i needed to study and CAN study or learn, because i know i am capable of learning and studying like most people. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself because of creating an abhor against studying or learning, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i am in fact participating in judgement of my own mind to/towards teachers/studies/study institutions, that limits me to understand the whom i am as a participant in this world, in this reality and also giving way into distancing myself into applications that hinder myself to be more effective in questioning myself and everything else, when it comes to investigating all things and keep that which is good, which implies keeping that which will be BEST for all LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have given the soil as part of nature, as part of life more value and also being seen by me as something special without seeing/realizing/understanding that i am in fact trying to use my point of view, and my liking to separate nature into parts, and elevating these parts within my idea of them more value then what nature is as all of what nature consists of and exists as. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place as memory the smell of the soil when it is wet with the rainfall within separation to/towards myself and the rain/the soil/the smell to be part of me and never stood as the rain/the soil/the smell as the totality of nature as that which my body is parts of and as. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory existent within me of my middle finger being the finger i use to digg holes in the sand and also to punch holes into whatever. I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to remember the real physical, in fact experience of my finger digging holes, because i have only placed within my mind the memory of me digging holes with my middel finger, but then placed this memory within me as an energetic experience as how i felt the whole experience through the mind. Self-commitment statements: I commit myself to make sure that every time i am about to or i am emotionally attaching myself to my island or anything that i have given value as ideas within and as myself, i immediately STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, and in this make sure that i have no reactions whatsoever, and if there comes some reactions up, i continue breathing and not give them attention till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy. I commit myself to STOP making distinctions and also to STOP giving certain parts of nature more value then others, and to just be here as one as equal with nature and leave no room for interpretation or beliefs of any kind and just breathe and be HERE together with nature as part of me as i am part of nature. I commit myself to make sure that everytime i am about to go into or i am into giving my island of birth special privilege, above everything else that nature consists of and as, just because i have parents/grandparents/siblings and co-habitants that i have given special meaning within my own ideas, i just STOP, and take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, earth myself and continue the focus on my breathing till nothing else moves within me as the mind as energy, and from this i am sure i am always HERE and not lost within and as my mind. I commit myself to make sure that every time i am about to or i am defining myself according to whatever in this world to just remind myself to STOP, and take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind. I commit myself to STOP myself everytime i am about to or i am feeling offended by people having negative judgments about my island of birth or the people whom live there, and just make sure i STOP, take a deep breath and focus on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy. I commit myself to let go of all my preconceive ideas and views on the island, because all these have nothing to do with the island itself, they are just my own mind interpretation of what i have hold unto within me as valuable and of importance, thus i STOP, focus on my breathing and continue doing so, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as the energy. I commit myself that whenever i am about to or i am deluding myself to use my own self-created ideas about my island of birth wherein i will feel offended or personally attacked to just STOP, and take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy. I commit myself to let all SENSES of belonging go, for they do NOT serve LIFE, but only my self-interest, thus whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into sensing myself to belong to, i STOP, and i take a deep breath and continue focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy. I commit myself to little by little to focus more on my breathing and be aware of my breathing and my physical human form, and to not let myself loose myself within my mind, and to also make sure i do not take it too hard on myself and give myself the opportunity to deal with myself taking baby-steps, but sure steps, steps that are grounded and stable. I commit myself to little ny little learn more and more about my human physical body's abilities so i can be creative as the human form in a natural form and not being creative from the perspective of what my mind perceive/view/interpret creativity should be or ought to be. I commit myself to let all my self-created judgements about the educational system and the people within it, and just be open to study and learn what is necessary to study and be learned that i am capable of doing in a particular moment in order for me to be an more effective participant within the group of humanity so i can together with others that are standing for the same point/cause/purpose/ to bring about a world that truly is BEST for ALL LIFE.' I commit myself to make sure that whenever i am about to or i am seeing that i am experiencing myself through the mind, i STOP immediately and take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy, and from this i can move in actions that are what is BEST for me and also best for the rest of all of LIFE.
Thanks
Have a look at THE solution to ALL the problems we are causing in this world in the form of: www.equalmoney.org
Do the course of a lifetime and change yourself in order to change the world:DIP If not able to afford this one, here is a free version to get you started in becoming a REAL caring human being: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Now i am going to do self-forgiveness on a song that i like on youtube that is from where i come from and it is our cultural music, even though where the song is being played is not on the island i come from but a neighbour island, the singer though is from the island i come from. I will place the video here for a little entertainment ....lol
I am going to do self-forgiveness on how this song makes me feel and the memories it brings of the people and of the island i was born into, and our way of making music.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' good when i listen to this music, because it reminds me of home as home being the place where i was born, which is a little island called: Bonaire.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be energetically moved by this music in relation to what memories it ignites within my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge this type of music as a ''good music'' ''pleasurable.''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of me going to festivals on the island and this kind of music was played.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy music from the perspective of how they make me feel as an energy built up within me, and not as how the music assist and support me as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that by following my reactions to how a song makes me feel, i am indeed not listening to the song/music as me being here totally, but as me being in and of/as my mind,the place where judgements live.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my attention drift away in the sound of the instruments, in how they make me feel inside myself instead of listening to the instruments as what they produce as sound alone without any energy rising up within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let this music make me remember certain foods that we eat island, like stewed iguana meat, or iguana soup, stewed goat meat, or goat soup, and stewed conch.Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remember even how these foods taste like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories of my people because of listening to this music, it brings remembrances of the people there.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a song take me away from here and get lost into my mind where i can be anywhere in thoughts but not here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find the cultural music of my country to be sounding great, within this judging it from the perspective of how it makes me feel.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never have listen to music in any other way then to how it will make me feel, and this has not really listen to the music in it's entirety.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be mesmerized at how music make me feel and not how i am listening to the music as one as equal as being here in breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let this song give me the memories of how the island i was born on looks like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to due to this song remember how the ambient of the festival feels like within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remember due to this song how the particular place where the festival is taking place smells like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect smell and feelings to a song/music.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remember how the people of my country talks when hearing this music.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT listen to music for the sake of music as an expression of life, but for the sake of what feelings i can get out of it.
I commit myself to listen to music as me as in breath and not as what it would make me feel.
I commit myself to investigate more deeply what it means to listen to music as me as in breath, and what the experience thereof is and share it with others,so we can start to really appreciate music for music and not for what it can makes us feel, because then we will just listen to our own judgements about the music and not listen really to the music itself.
Have a look at THE solution for our world problems: EQUALMONEY
Support our research by buying one or more of our educational products that will blow your mind: EQAFE
Become a real human being that cares for real and join in walking together to stand for life and change you and then change you as the world one and equal: DIP
