Day 376, Who Am I In The Word Support PART 4

For context here are the 3 previous blogs related to this one.


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/06/day-375-who-am-i-in-support-part-3.html


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/05/day-374-who-am-i-in-word-support-part-2.html


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2016/04/day-373-who-am-i-in-word-support.html


Now continuing with finishing of on this point.



                                 

Self-Commitment statements:

I see, realize and understand that I am not prioritizing what I need to do in my life, because it gives me the self-interest outcome of  postponing on myself a little bit longer, meaning stretching my time in order to indulge in self-interest interest.

I see, realize and understand that I am in my mind trying to compress my process, as looking for a way to shortcut it, however by doing this I keep on looking within  my mind for a shortcut that never comes, because there is no real physical/practical movement, no real doing practically, and by only actually doing what I need to do in regards to my process the shortcut comes in the form of digging deeper into myself as to assessing how I created myself to be and become what I am up to this moment.

I see, realize and understand that I am living a personality out in the world of someone that is a nice person, to avoid myself getting into trouble with other people and also to avoid speaking my own truth and also speaking out common sense perspectives I see within others that might be very uncomfortable for the other, and due to it being an uncomfortable topic or issue, I can avoid it by being nice to everyone.

I see, realize and understand that I avoid to talk to people about uncomfortable points, because of self-judgement I had in relation to past experiences I had in the past wherein I became angry and the anger turned into rage, and thus not wanting myself to be rage, I avoid all of it completely.

I see/realize and understand that the rage that exists within me is about me holding on to anger and fear within me for a long time, and because it has accumulated so much of energy within me, it has to come out some time, thus when the opportunity is here, it all comes out as rage.

I see/realize and understand that through/via rage I am being the abuser I am myself trying to stop outside myself as another as myself, when in reality I am equally participating in the same construct.

I see/realize and understand that I am sometimes refusing help from others, because I judge their help as a debt, as a way they can get back at me when they need me, and have then something to throw at my face, they can use it to their advantage against me IF I cannot be of help to them.

I see/realize and understand that I have created a whole defense mechanism about this issue of being helped within myself to deliberately based on my self-judgement of being helped by others, to always help people without an agenda, just to like show others: " see, this is how it is suppose to be like." thus turning my helping others into kind of like a revenge kind of thing.

I see/realize and understand that all of this self-judgement within me is suiting the fear of being abused by others that exists within me as me as thoughts and memories.

I see/realize and understand that I postpone my own process because I use the self-created believe that I still have time, so I can take it slow, no need to rush or anything......however I am also aware that I am not aware when my time will be up and then it will be too late. Thus just working on myself as I should is what needs to be done.

I commit myself to push myself however with care and patience to prioritize and personalize my process in a way that it works best for me and wherein I do not have the " feeling" that I am overwhelmed by my process and that it is a drag.

I commit myself to stop trying to find an easy way out, a easier way to do process, which does not exist, it only exist in my mind as an illusion, because changing me requires real practical physical movement and application in real physical time.

I commit myself to be directive within expressing myself and stand within I am aware is common sense and what is best for all, and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow.

I commit myself to work on my fears of being abused by others through applying myself in self forgiveness in every moment points like these come up within me, in order to not create believes that lead to consequences of me participating in this world as someone I am not.

I commit myself to keep on digging on the anger that exists within me that I have accumulated in the past within me through forgiving me and to really work out all of it so I cannot be influenced by them anymore, because they do not exist within me anymore.

I commit myself to work on my issue of fearing to be helped by others because of the believe I have created within me about others wanting to use that as a means to have an advantage over me through self forgiveness in order to free myself completely from this self created believe till there is none of it left in me that can influence my decision making and thus little by little allowing myself to be helped by others if asked and if needed.

I commit myself to work on my postponement point for real till it does not exist within me anymore, making sure that whenever I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately postpone my process, to stop and breathe and forgive it and then work it out through forgiveness.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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Day 373, Who Am I in the word: Support

Now this word I have been learning to implement it within my own living. To support another is easy for me in the sense that I have proven for myself already that I can support another through words, through physical actions, through money, and sometimes by just being HERE without having to say anything, however the support is in the " being here" with another as myself.

                                   

However, I am lacking in when it comes to supporting myself. It is like me putting myself down and put everyone else first, or not first, but I see their problems and needs to have a more expedient priority than my own problems and needs.
I always say to myself:  " you can do yours later, you always manage somehow to attend to yours later."

However, this " later" never comes, because there is always someone with problems and with needs that seem to be in need of my support in whatever ways.

I see that I have been supporting too much others and not myself, as if supporting myself is not of real value.

I have been noticing not only lately, but a long time already, that I am very easy in seeing when and where one needs my physical support, for example at work or elsewhere. It may appear to someone else that I am being nice or helpful or as some would say: " a gentlemen."

However to me it is more like, what I want for myself in that moment, and not from a self-interest point of view, however so, from the point of view of me already gone through a similar experience and wanted and needed some help but did not get it from anyone and thus having an understanding of how the experience must be for another as myself, thus I just attend to what I see without having to be asked.

Sometimes I also encounter people that even though everyone can see they need a little help, would refuse the help, and say: " no don't do it, I can do it myself!" Thus these people are like my reflection of what I have to do for myself, only that part: " I can do it myself!"

Even I, have been in situations where I would refuse help from another, when within myself I am aware that I DO need the help in that moment, but refuse it anyways, because there was a thought within myself or a judgment within myself that, that someone else may be thinking and believing that I cannot do it myself, thus I refuse the help based on that self-judgement, however yet projected on another as myself.

Refusing support is also self-interest in some cases, if it is not practical in supporting oneself, if it is not having to do with one's point of reaching one's utmost potential. Because sometimes or even more than sometimes someone else may have another way of doing something that might work best for oneself, but if one refuse the help one will never learn from that other person and one will also be continuing doing something believing that one is doing one's best when it is not so in reality, one have not reached one's best yet, or one is not busy with doing one's best yet. Thus support can mean in some instances, getting to learn more about one's own potential where there is a lacking in procedure, and see that one can be even more effective in that same point where one believed one did not need any support in it from someone else.

Thus what I need to do in supporting of myself is start picking up the crumbles of my leftovers as I was walking to/towards and focusing too much on the supporting of others as myself and did not even within the supporting of others see/realize and understand that, I was leaving crumbles behind as a reminder what I need to do for and about myself in being and becoming, living my highest potential.



In the following blog, I will be doing the deconstruction of this pattern within my life.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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Day 362, The winds of Back-Chat.

I have chosen this title for my blog, because this is how I experience myself inside, if I would
give a practical/physical example of it. It's like being a coconut tree in the middle of a hurricane and the winds of this hurricane swing the tree from left to right, back and forth. Thus the tree is being badly hammered by the winds.


                                                                       

So let me go now into the specifics. I have been gravitating on the process of clearing myself from some debts I have, and every time it looks like I am going to finally, at least get a break and really be in a situation where I have a " normal"  money flow and my expenses I need to pay are not behind, but all on time,---------- However something unexpected always seems to happen to my children or some very good friends of mine, where I find myself in a situation that I cannot say: "  sorry, solve your own problems yourself!"  Either my kids really really need some money immediately or a friend is totally F***** and needs my help.
Than a point opens up that I do see, that it is a pattern, and this pattern I have been doing it for a very very long time, and it is this: "  I always weight/judge the situation of another, as worse than mine, thus I help this person first and see afterwards to myself, because I think and believe, I can still help myself afterwards,"  making few arrangements and agreements to pay what I have to pay in little parts till I am back on track again. However I have seen that this makes me fall behind all the time, and it is not like I am going to get some extra money to cope with this " fall back." Therefore, it will take me months afterwards to be on track again, and than BOOM, the same story again and again year in, year out. And within all this I than have the back chat: I am tired of this S***."
And I have to say that this back chat is not related or projected to these people, but to the situation of always having money shortage. Sometimes I wake up and I do not want to even go to work, because I know the whole salary is about, getting the money to refill the hole, in paying back what I am running behind with, with payments.

Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blown side to side up and down inside myself by the back chats I allow myself to have within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being in a situation of having to have debt, that it makes me impatience, because I want to solve this problem immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of wanting to solve this problem immediately, I run a muck in my mind looking for ways to solve it immediately instead of looking for other solutions that may not be immediate, however will alleviate the problem in the start and at least give myself some room to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on blaming myself to find myself within a situation of debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so ashamed of having to have debt, that I allow myself to not go anywhere and also not talk to anyone to avoid anyone coming close to me and finding out about my situation in relation to debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have as less contact as possible with people, to avoid them asking me if they could come visit me, because I am ashamed of my house not being livable ready yet and I knowing that it is going to take a long time before I can get it to a level where it will become a comfortable living environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also make sure that when I meet women on the internet that they are always far away from me, not close to the city I live in, so it won't be easy for them to say, that they want to come over/visit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people may think and say about me being in the situation I am, because I am ashamed of myself for being in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat: "  I am tired of this S***,"  to exist within me as me as the mind.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that due to the long dragging of being in financial difficulty, I just have no zest in anything I am doing, and eventually I end up doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my problem as " never ending."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes be angry at people, whom SAY and act as if they have no money in conversations, however in real live their way of spending show the truth, just because I am the one really without money, or very little money and when I say it in conversations it is not a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as liars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and leave myself out of the judgement of being a liar, when I am aware that I also do lie in some instances to save myself from certain/specific situations that can compromise my well being or my survival in the system, thus I avoid on the surface to not judge myself as a liar as the others, because what I lie about has to do with " something that matters"  and they lie about something that does not matter or hurt lots of people. Thus Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find within myself a justification as to what  weighs more to be lied about or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand in the moment of me lying about something to save myself of consequences, that I am busy in reality contributing to the lie that exist within this world that is the equal with the one I am busy, namely: "  to protect self-interest."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within the believe of:  " if I am lying to protect my self-interest, because it will have a good/positive/right outcome for me," that it is than o.k. to tell a lie.


To be continued........................................




Thanks.



Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

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Day 212, Stopping Myself From Postponing.

Now within this post i am going to workout a point, and this point is of me postponing to do what i have to do with regards to my DIP-course and also other things in life to.

                                                                


As of a day ago i have take the decision again, as i did many times already to really this time just apply myself to what i have to do, thus to just do it..!!

I have found many excuses as to not do what i have to do, and the main excuse is the one, of just sitting here and doing lots of others things, BUT the things i have to do themselves that are of importance and that makes me move faster within that which i am doing and also within the group that i am part of, i postpone them. And why..?? Just because of fear of writing TOO much and because of this then becomes overwhelmed as seeing no ending in sight. All of this of course is none-sense, because it doesn't matter how long the points can be or not be, it is about the actual being honest in working them out.




Self-forgiveness statements and self-commitment statements:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to drag my DIP-course assignment so long, just because of fear of writing too much and feel overwhelmed by all this writing, when all of this is in fact a mind-fuck that i have created within myself to not workout my participation within and as my mind, and when this happens i usually go on other websites like ''youtube'' for example and watch some videos done by other members or i get into chats with other people or someone calls me and i keep on talking without saying that i have something to do and that i have to be excused.


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into looking for ways to avoid writing out my assignment, i STOP and i take a deep breath and focus on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by not doing what i have to do when i have to do it and within this same breath also sabotaging the whole group, because it slows me and the group down.


I commit myself to do what i have to do in order to keep my consistency for myself and for the group, so we can move faster as a group and we all stand equal on all the points.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT hold on to my agreements i made as in living applications and compromise myself and others as myself within the group.


I commit myself to make sure that whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into compromising myself and others as myself i STOP, i take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use time as an excuse to avoid engaging into what i have to do in order to workout my own mind and my participation within the world, as in coming with excuses of NOT having enough time, when in reality the time i do have i don't use it effectively.


I commit myself to make sure to use my available time that i have constructively and effectively to what is best for all, and automatically is best for me too.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say that i will do something but then when it comes to the actual DOING it itself i don't do it, i keep on trying to avoid doing it, just to not face myself and get it over with. I realise that i am avoiding doing my tasks because i fear the time when they will become a lot, as in too much to handle and thus will not be able to cope with all of that in the amount of time i have available. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear future projections that are not HERE at all at the moment as in the physical as an actuality, instead of focusing on what i have to do and just get it done and over with.


I commit myself to make sure that whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into projecting myself into the future to just STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back here in and as breath till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy, so i can dirct myself within this clearness and stability to walk/live what is BEST for ALL LIFE.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to agree with another to use certain words as only implying what is happening now, and not to give meaning to them for the other or believing that the other might get it in this way or that way, which i don't know anyways, so better to stick to words that we both agree we use so we don't mind-fuck ourselves all the time and keep on time-looping. I realise i do this mostly because i old ways of talking and ways of being polite and nice, but these being polite/nice are not standing as the words i speak. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use words according to how i was brainwashed to use them as in order to be nice and polite but do NOT use as in accordance to what their definition itself is.



I commit myself to workout a way to come to equal understanding of the words i use with with another and where we can understand each other better and have a more clear and effective communication as we use the words exactly as what the dictionary give as definition to the words and out of this when we can see in common sense that the words are not equal to LIFE, we re-define them for ourselves to live them as what will be BEST for all life, and thus we then live words that are BEST for life.





Thanks.



Larry Manuela

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