Day 382, day 3 on SF on Aloneness

                                                                        DAY 3 SF on ALONENESS

                                                                            

So with this which is not a real THIRD day for me, however more like a third moment as I have chosen this moment in time to do this writing about myself.

I have written 2 days of SF on Aloneness already, and when I have a look at it, I am aware that I can go deeper than that, and not for the purpose to just be able go deeper, however for the purpose to really face the dark waters that are hidden within and as myself, that keep on disturbing, obstructing me, for me to not change  for real.

So, why am I experiencing myself alone?

Now the real answer is very simple, however yet, it needs to be worked out.

The answer is, because I am not really facing the real points that I am aware I need to face in order for me to really change into and live as a human being that lives “ what would be best for all life, oneness and equality,” which is a principle living. It’s like I am postponing facing myself. Like I do not want to really change yet, let me be system Larry a little bit more longer and then one day, I will take on myself for real.

So, what am I really waiting for? It does not make any sense, I am aware. Why do I want to postpone hiding my dark side, the real nitty gritty about me, what goes on within me and about me that I am aware I am doing or not doing.

Btw, this writing is inspired by the interview I’ve just listen to called:  “ Dark- Self: true nature of Self, by the Atlanteans through the portal at the EQAFE website store.
Here is the link if one wants to have a listen to it: https://eqafe.com/p/dark-self-true-nature-of-self-atlanteans-part-440

So let me list them all for myself here, to put it all into context and perspective  and exposure as I should have done and should be doing,  not only today but also constantly till there is no more LIVING with hidden stuff in my life.

1  1)      SEX. I am someone at the moment,  that will literally and I am being brutally honest with myself here, that would have sex with anyone that is a woman or really look like a woman, and by this I mean transsexuals or transgenders, however they must really look like a woman, because I am not attracted sexually to a man physique. I am not attracted to gay man. And there is more, I am having sex with two women, they both know I am having sex with them. One of them is a Polyamorous kind of person and the other one is someone that loves sex as much as I do. Now even with having two women to have real physical sex with I find myself when I am not with them sneaking watching some porn now and then anyways, it is like I have to have an orgasm, either with them, with porn or sometimes even without porn or just finding other women on the internet that are horny and engage into sex talks to get each other horny and go as far as exchanging sexual pictures or little sexual tainted films of ourselves with one another.

       2) Work. The work I do is not something I would love to do for the rest of my life, it is the kind of work that I just do it as best as I can, because I have to take care of myself within this system, however the continuous pressure to work faster and faster and producing more and more is not my thing, I am a guy that want to do my work properly with as less as possible stress of competing with other companies etc.

       3) My process.  In regards to my process, thus that which I am aware I have to do to change myself into a human being that lives “ oneness and equality, that which is best for all life,” this includes blogging and vlogging  and my DIP course, investigating all systems in this world,  I am legging behind with them and why? Because all of these are the points that force me to face myself and by “ force me” I do not mean that I am experiencing these points forcing me, however more like a push, a point of facing myself, thus I avoid them as much as possible so I do not have to change for real.

       4)  My son. I hear of my son now and then, I would like to be hearing from him more, not because I miss him or anything, however because I am responsible for him as I am responsible for myself and everything and everyone else. There are some points that I see are just excuses I use, because I can change them, but keep on waiting to make a move. For example, he does not have his own phone, and I have to call the mother first, and the mother works and I have to deal with the time difference and also with my working shifts, which means it makes communication very poor, however I can at least make some arrangements to change all of this so it can have an outcome that is best for all. So here for example I see that I always had the pattern of waiting too long to do something or to move, take action, I always let things accumulate till it becomes a problem or bigger problem.

       5)  Debts. I have a few system debts, some I was responsible for making them, however some I was not and I am in the process of dealing with them all, meaning taking organizations or companies to legal court lawsuits, which drains me financially, however I have to do it.

  6)     I am a nice guy. This is how people that know me will define me, however I do not want to be a “ nice guy” I want to be a real guy, someone that lives: “ giving a fuck about life.” This means that I sometimes let people push me around or walk over me a little, but all very calculated, I have always been this very calculated person ( another point here to face.) I calculate shit in very little detail about what could happen or not happen, I used to be a great deceiver, and patterns of the “ greatness” are still here. This “ greatness” is actually weakness, weakness into making sure I avoid as much as possible consequences that can harm me or make people not like me. I have found like a middle ground so to speak throughout my life in order to deal with these points, so I let people sometimes walk over me just enough in order to keep on being looked at as “ the good guy.” However as I said already I am aware that “ good guys” can never be “real guys”  because real guys give a damn about ALL life and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!

O.k. So that is my dark self as far as I can see, now in the next blog I will be going into the specifics as I do Sf on all of them as to HOW I really do them. As they are written down here now they are just empty sentences, not yet faced, exposure though, but not faced yet through self-forgiveness.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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