Day 23, Fear Of Going Out

Now within this blog i am going to write about the fear that is existent within me at the moment, which is the fear of going out, but it's not about fear of being in public,but the fear of not wanting to find a woman attractive and get sucked into a sexual relationship,because i know i am not ready yet on this point of relationship, especially sexually wise,and also if the person so happens to be on a level where they are reacting from the starting point of what they feel, which is energetically, exactly that which i am busy deleting within me. I see it as not fair for me to be with someone who is not ready yet to face themselves, so they will be the total reverse of what i am busy with. And i also doesn't want to find myself within a sexual encounter where i will react based on desires, which is also energetically based, putting myself into a situation where i may delay my process, or walk too slow, because i will have to walk and re-walk that point again and again, and i don't want to re-walk that time after time again and again, and especially when with someone who is not ready. Alone, i can take the time loop, but with someone who is not ready and unwilling to change themselves and maybe don't even see the reason why, it becomes much difficult, because they are going to be against  you and none supportive all the time, because they want energy from you, when your busy leaving energy behind so to speak,busy living in breath and common sense. Even though one may say, but it is your walk, your process no matter what you have to walk yours. That is true, but to deliberately place one into a difficult situation only slows one down, and especially if i am not ready yet, i am not yet at a stable standing, as in consistency and constancy. Those who were already in a relationship and then started with the process where their partners is not doing so is another game, it is not the same, because you can't just say o.k. i am going to leave you now, because this is just not going to work, it is someone whom one have already spent some time with, and they know about what your doing and that your busy stopping your participation in your mind and that it is a process that will take years and during those years they are going to see you change as the days and weeks and months goes by. So my concentration must be to what is immediate and alarming in a sense, because we don't have much time and also still we got time, but it has become really for real very precious. I have got this ONE life to do this, this is my chance to birth myself as life into and as the physical, my chance to really take a real stand/stance for life, and it implies lots of dedication and learning/expansion/growth and letting go off what used to be. This personality that is here as Larry, must die in a sense so life can be born in it's place, because as long as the personality as Larry is here, there is no life. Life is not a personality, it is a living, it is an expression and Larry is not living, Larry is surviving like any other in this world right now, and lost in his own mind as this personality.Which is even less then the mind, because it is just a personality therein. You know..?? like an actor playing a personality in a movie. So if i am busy stopping participation within my mind, thus the personality within the mind must also stop, it's obvious common sense, so i can be here as the physical breath of life, where i can say i am my body because i will be one and equal to and as it, but as of right now, if i say this it will be a lie/self-dishonesty, because i am NOT one and equal to and as my body yet, in total self-awareness as the totality of what my body consists of and exists as, as me here as life.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear going out, because i might find me a woman who likes me based on how i look, and how they feel when they look at me, or have a conversation with me, which is all based in energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to go through energy that are sexually based related or feeling based related, because i see it as me slowing myself down and not walking as one as equal as breath as life here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reaction in relation to me finding myself into a situation where i can be reactive based on my desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with a woman who is not yet ready to walk the process of birthing themselves into and as life here as the physical.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a woman based on the desires that she might have when she will like me, find me attractive.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of me finding someone based on desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who are in a relationship with another that is not a starting relationship, but a set-relationship to be much more easy to walk ones process of birthing oneself to/as life in the physical, from the starting point of them already knowing each other.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret a set-relationship to be an easy walk for if one of the participants in the relationship is to start walking the process, because of seeing it, the partner then in that scenario is seeing it and knowing of it, because one will be talking about it and what one does will be seen, one is an example in ones relationship and what one is busy with can be shared among each other, which is different then meeting someone who never heard of such thing and is totally into the way relationships are formed  in this world among humans when it comes to being with each other involving sex, living with each other, being each others partners.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even judge such event and then within this fear it without having gone through it, based on an idea i have created about it within my own mind, as if this idea is the actuality of me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the fear of going out and having a good time, because of me possibly finding someone who find me attractive or me finding them attractive, based on desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even have a desire within me in the first place and from there imagine myself being afraid of my own imaginary desire, within this fearing my own fear.




I commit myself to just go out when i want to and be one and equal in and as my breath and let all preconceived ideas go and enjoy myself and if someone is to like me, i just stay within my breath and communicate what i am busy with so the person will know, and so i do not have to ''feel'' anything then, because of me being self-honest with myself when telling it as it is, as where it is i am in my life with my process.


I commit myself to not worrying about what others might or might not think about me being in my process of birthing myself into life as the physical when it comes to the opportunity to possibly finding a partner.


I commit myself to walk process and not to focus on what is not here, and be here in and as breath.




Thanks




Larry Manuela




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