Day 364, Do You Think You Are Gonna Make it?

I asked myself a question, when I was back chatting, and it was as follows: " Do you think you're gonna make it?"  and I answered myself with: "  Oh yeah, I gotta get outta here!"

Now the moment I said this within my mind I realized something about myself. I realized that the " I gotta get outta here"  part, is part of a desire I secretly had/have wherein I just want to get up and leave everything and everyone behind, like go to a secluded place where no-one will know where I am, and I will be all alone. It is like a wanna run away from all this hardship in my world/the world.
Secretly I desire and wish sometimes, often more than other that I can find myself into a situation where I have " no way out"  kind of situation. Like being in a situation where there is nowhere to run or to be, but to face myself completely right here, no holding back and give it all into forgiveness, really really open up completely.

                                       

The other point is, that I do know what to do. The problem is in the actual doing itself.
I also realized that I fear changing me, changing the who I am now, which is nothing more or less than personalities/characters in my mind for specific events and situations within my life process. Most of the time I am " myself."  However this " myself"  is not really ME. The real me at the moment is not yet here. You know it is like I went into a dark cave and as I was going deeper and deeper into the darkness I was  leaving little reflectors on the way down for when to get back, I can find my way back, however when I got into the deepest of depths within this cave of darkness I got lost and could not find my way back out, and now that I am finding the reflectors I myself have placed I am starting to remember how I got in, and remember the way out. I just have to follow the reflectors and get back out.

The reflectors in this example are the the personalities/characters I have created within myself that are now clouding/fogging me to see clearly and to remember the who I am for real. The who/what I was before the mind, before energy, this part of me is where I must get back to. It is called Beingness. The part of me that is aware of itself as LIFE. As one can see the personalities/characters are not good or bad, positive or negative or right or wrong, they are my reflections I have created, they are ideas about myself I have created within my mind consciousness system. As one can see; I CREATED them. Not one thing that exists within and as my mind can be placed there by another, it have to have my permission, the information must be accepted and allowed by myself, same way goes for using it.

Self-Forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have the back chat: " Do you think you're gonna make it?" to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have also as back chat however in a form of answer to myself the following back chat: " Oh yeah, I gotta get outta here!"  to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within and as my back chats, that I am actually busy pointing to myself out what I have created as ideas/believes within and as myself, about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself more than often try and stop the back chats without really investigating them first to understand where they are coming from and which specific point are they related to within myself, which character is connected to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these back chat to actually encourage myself to try and fulfill a desire/wish I have created within myself to cope with also the fear I have created within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become wherein, I actually fear myself, because the personalities/characters are now me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand for real that I am the creator of the back chats, that I am the creator of the personalities/characters, that I am the creator of the fears, therefore that I am a creator within and as myself, thus meaning as I create within me that which is at the moment only self-interest, I can also create what which is best for all of life, which is that which is in the best  interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own creations, including fear itself, which is also my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my creations are me and that by understanding them, I will also understand how I created myself to represent me as if they are really real, when the real me itself behind it all I forgot that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear to be part of me as me and to allow it to influence my decision making in every moment.

To be continued.....................................................

Thanks

Larry Manuela

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Day 363, The winds of Back-Chat Part 2.

Now I am continuing with the second part of what I started with in the previous part.


I am in this blog going to write my self-commitment statements.

Self-commitment statements:

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into allowing myself to be blown away side by side, back and forth, within myself by my self-created back chats, I stop------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that allowing the back chats in a moment, results into back-chatting even more.

Therefore, I commit myself to make sure I in the moment itself apply forgiveness immediately instead of letting it continue building up and becoming me spewing more back chats in my head.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into becoming impatience because of the debts that I have and that I
.. want to get rid of, I stop-------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I become impatience with having debt, because I want to solve that problem as like right now, or yesterday and this is not possible at the moment.

Therefore, I commit myself to make a plan and stick to it, in agreeing with myself to make sure I attend to my debt problems in a way that will be best for me and that I practice being patients and remember that I have to do all this one breath at the time.

When and as I see myself going into or I am to go into blaming myself into having to get myself into a situation of debt, I stop................... take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that blaming is not a solution however more an adding to the problem, because what is done is already done, and the consequences of that which was already done, are also part of the same problem and the solution can only be a practical one, real physical action, and blame is not part of that practical/physical solution.

Therefore, I commit myself to make sure  that I take the necessary steps with my finances that I already know I have to take and within this stick to it till I free myself of these debts and be able to support myself and everyone else that needs my support financially.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into generating the emotion that contributes to the hate of debt in the money system, I stop..........take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am allowing the emotion as hate to exist within me, because I do not agree with this system of money as to HOW it functions, and by having the emotion of hate generating within me about it, I somehow think/believe that I am taking a revenge on the system, when in reality I am just in puny/little world in my mind, generating energy to keep this world alive.

Therefore, I commit myself to remind myself to breathe in these moments and hold my hands together or do whatever that is a physical movement and focus on it to bring me here, and after I see that I am calm and quiet inside I do self-forgiveness about the emotion that I have accepted and allowed to come up within me to release it, and take note if it is necessary to work it out later more specifically to find out what triggered it exactly to come.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into feeling shame, I stop------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am ashamed of myself of being into situation of debt, because I live a life of struggle and mostly because people judge people who are in debt problems as somebody that is stupid.

Therefore, I commit myself to little by little push myself to get rid of this shame that exist within me as me, by focusing on the moments when I know I am going to use it to energize myself to experience that word as an emotion, energy. I do forgiveness to myself in that moment and when I have a moment alone I have a look at it more deeply in writing and work myself out of it, and continue doing so, till there is no more shame existent within me.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately choosing women that are very far away from me to start something with them, I stop-------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back till I am clear are stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am doing this, because I do not want any woman to come and visit myself home, because of me being ashamed of my home not being ready yet, not having furniture yet, only the basic things I need I have, like a fridge, a washing machine, a bed and of course internet.

Therefore, I commit myself stop looking for women for awhile and just focus on little by little buying the stuff I need to put in my apartment to have it ready, and to not have it ready to receive women as guests or so, however to have it ready so I myself can live comfortable in my apartment.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into using the back chat: " I am tired of this S***," I stop---------------  take a deep breath and bring myself here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am using this back chat, because I have the experience to want to give up on myself, like I cannot take this anymore, tired of living a life where survival has become a form of struggle instead of what one have to do to support ones body and the environment one lives in with everything that is here.

Therefore within this, I commit myself to little by little work on this experience I have placed/created within myself where I want to give up on myself, I write myself out and forgive myself and focus my living on practical actions so I can help myself working myself out without having my consciousness/mind being in the way.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into feeling like I do not want to do anything, I Stop--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am feeling like I do not want to do anything, because this feeling of not wanting to do anything is one of the consequences when I am giving up on myself, so I literally slowly but surely rot away without actually doing nothing, thus in reality creating that which represents " giving up on myself."

Therefore, I commit myself to deliberately when I preparing myself to do nothing, I push myself to do something that is physical and practical, moving out of the situation of ending up all the time doing nothing. I go take a walk, I can write anything, or do anything that involves some physical action.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into being angry at people who are saying that they have no money in conversation, when in reality they do have money, I stop------------ take a deep breath and ground myself till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am angry at people acting as if they have no money, when I am aware that they are lying, because of the way they live their lives with money that indicates that they have money, and because I am in a situation wherein I really do not have money or have very little money, I find than that my statement when I say I have no money is valid and theirs not. Thus in reality I am angry at myself for not having money or very little money.

Therefore, I commit myself to little by little getting myself out of this situation of not having money or very little money and do my best to be as best I can be in what I am already doing so I can place myself in a position where I can have some room to breathe and can end up having some money left after I have paid my expenses. I realize that this is at the moment the only way I can do it as a start.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into lying, I stop---------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the  mind as energy.

I realize that I think/believe that if I tell I lie about " something that matters"  it is than o.k. to tell a lie, not seeing/realizing and understanding that a lie is a lie no matter how I judge it and telling a lie is actually perpetuating the lie that exists in this reality.

Therefore I commit myself to just stop the lie that exist within me, and just shut up, and do not say nothing and if there comes a back chat in relation to stopping myself to tell a lie, I immediately move into focusing on my breathing and just do self-forgiveness in that moment for myself within myself and when I am at home and is getting ready to go to bed I come back to the moment and write it all out for myself and work it out.

Self-Reward:

Within this writing about myself I have come to see/realize and understand that there are much more points that came to the surface that needed my attention to be worked out. I have seen/realized and understood that whatever state of mind I am in, I can always choose to get out of it and to actually do something practical about getting out of it.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

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