Day 274, Challenge and No Challenge Part 2

Now i am going to get into the Self-commitment statements:




                                                               

Self-Commitment statements: 

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into going into playing a personality out to be liked by women in this world, I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till i am clear and stable as the mind as energy.

I realize that by living the personalities in my mind deliberately because i have seen what i get from them,  i then continiously play them out to such an extent that i became them.

Therefore, i commit myself to make sure i pay attention to my personalities i have become and little by little work them out through practical Self-forgiveness in writing and then to make sure i write also corrective application for myself that are livable for me at the moment.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into manipulating others using my personalities in order to get into a relationship, I STOP--------- take a deep breath and ground myself till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am manipulating others with my personalities just to get what i want, thus to feed my self-interest.

Therefore, i commit myself to in a moment to in pracise stop feeding my self-interest and just focus on my practical/physical breathing and make sure i write them out and then make a commitment to myself to not feed my self-interest to any personalities till i get all the points that are of and as self-interest as what i ahve become in this world.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into letting myself get manipulated by others, I STOP------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and notning moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am letting myself get manipulated deliberatly in order to also get what i want in the end, which is postive energetic experience.

Thus within this, i commit myself to work on focusing on myself and slow myself in breath in order to see when it is am deliberately participating in  letting myself get manipulated to get what i want, and to just stop it and write it out and make sure i have something practical to do in order to keep my focus in being grounded here and not get into participation in the mind and if it persists it means that i have to write more about it, because i am not seeing a point or getting a point sorted out.

When and as i see myself going into or about to go into using the phrase or sentence: '' we must accept someone for whom they are inside, the outside is not so important,'' I STOP take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i use this sentence or phrase to give the personality in the mind more value and importance than the body itself where the mind in it cannot exist without.

Therefore, i commit myself to make sure i practise through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life,  till i become one and equal with and as my body and also with the mind that i have become itself in the body to understand myself as it completely in order to see myself as how i function within and as the mind in all its dimensions and layers.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into seeing the body as just only a carrier for myself as personalities in a mind, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i see the body as an carier because i experience myself mostly as the personalities in my mind, and i am not in actuality really my body itself, all of it, like moving as the totality as all of what it consists of and exists as.

Therefore, i commit myself through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life to find out to find out how i work as the mind and then when i understand me as the mind i can stop myself in participation in it, because i know how i work as the mind, i am the directive principle thereof.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into using the phrase or sentence: '' the person's heart is what counts,'' I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am using the physical heart as an example for depthness of emotions, because it is somewhere in this area that i experience deep emotions and feelings, thus giving feelings and emotions more value than anything else in this world according to my personal experience.

Thus i commit myself to workout all these deep emotions and feeling through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life so i just live here in every moment without having to depend on deep feelings and emotions in order to do something, and i just do something because of common sense and has to be done and accumulates to what is best for all.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into giving certain parts or organs of my human body more value as measurement of my mind interpretations as what i experience as energy in my mind, I STOP-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am giving certain body parts or organs more value then other parts according to the value that i give to a specific emotion or feeling, thus the higher the emotions or feelings, then i use certain body parts or organs to imply that specific feeling or emotion is of more value then other feelings and emotions, they are special, thus creating separation in the mind itself about feelings and emotions and also on the physical level creating separation  by giving certain body parts more value then the rest of the body parts.

Therefore i commit myself to make sure to work out all these false values i have given to feelings and emotions and also to parts of my human physical body and make sure i teach myself to see value in what is LIFE all of it, as and within the physical, so that not any part of the physical reality can be given more value or less value then other part of the physical reality.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into using the phrase or sentence: '' the character that the person is presenting is what is important and not so much how they look like,'' I STOP--------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i give certain specific character of an individual or myself more value then the expression of life itself as the human physical body, when i know within me that the character is just a play to get something from someone else, thus to satisfy my self-interest.

Therefore i commit myself to walk my process of writing myself to freedom to see/realize and understand myself as life equal to and one with the expression of life as my human physical body till i am equal and one with it and then by expressing me as this, that itself is what is valuable.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into saying to people; 'i love you for your personality,' I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that again i am giving the personalities in my mind or that i project as seeing in others more importance and valuable than that which is real itself, which the human physical body/form.

Therefore i commit myself to workout these personalities in my mind till i am them no-more and i live just one and equal with and as my human physical body and my physical breath.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into using the sentence and phrase; 'you are such a lovely person,'' implying that the person is something that is lovely and that part is what is important above all else, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am giving lots of credit to the persona in the mind especially if it has some traits that i preceive as good, because if it is ''good'' i can like it, and then experience a positive energy experience about it within myself.

Thus i commit myself to work out this special trait i look for through another in order to trigger within me positive energy experiences so i can feel good about myself and thus call the other lovely person, so they can continue being lovely and i can continue feeling positive energetic experiences in myself by keeping them in this belief that they are lovely as i intepret it, till i am clear inside myself and not react or create such experiences anymore.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into seeking positive energetic experience to feel happy about myself, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am seeking the positive energetic experience through triggering feelings of happiness within and as me, and projecting it outside of me as seeing it in others according to my own mind interpretation.


Therefore i commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life to practically stop participation in the triggering of happy feelings within me, and make sure i focus on physical chores or any other physical task in order to not get myself possessed within and as the happy feeling, and just be with my breath as i am doing the physical task or chore.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela


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Day 273, Challenge and No Challenge. Part 1

                                                               

Talking with I, a few days ago i have noticed and realized within me that i have this program within me that came up, which was that i had a look at my relationships in the past and i saw that i was not challenged in my relationships. Now understand, when i say challenge here i am not talking about challenge as in ''intelligence'' or ''competiveness.''

I am talking about the simple fact of being comfortable with someone that is accepting and allowing me as the personality i have become in this world to roam around freely.

I have noticed and realized that all these wonderful sayings that we use in the world-system in relation to relationships as they are lived in this world at the moment are the defenders and supporters of our personalities. For instance sentences as:




***  '' We must accept someone for whom they are inside, the outside is not so important.''

***  '' The person's heart is what counts.''

***  ''  The character of what the person is presenting is what is important and not so much how they look like.''

***  '' I love you for your personality.''

***  '' You are such a lovely person.''



When i have a look at these statements i/we use or have used closely, i can see that all these statements are related to in order to induce a positive outcome for the one whom wants/desires and is in need of a positive energetic experience, which is actually the whole basis of relationships as they exist in this moment in this world. It is all about finding that ''one person'' to be happy with. And being happy is all about a positive energetic experience.

So all of that is what i found and realized within me as me NOT being challenged, because my personalities i have become were accepted and allowed. I was found by the girfriends as someone that has; ''a nice heart,'' '' a good person,'' '' someone that really shows me that they care about me,'' '' someone that sees and treat me as their special person for them alone and only them,'' '' someone that loves kids.''

So all these traits were/are part of my personality playout in this world. And i see/realize and understand that these personalities are the ones that are more desireable by many people IF not all people in this world. So if we find someone with these traits we are not going to challenge them at all, because apparently one possesses the things the other is wishing for, want and desires. So when i have these characters/personalities all i have to do is be them/play them out and all goes smoothly because the other one does not want to ''loose'' me. So by living as these personalities in the mind, i am in fact not growing, not expanding and learning anything about myself and also in the same breath i am accepting and allowing the other person to keep on being in character to support my character. So we can both get our dosis of positive energetic experiences. Thus i am in this manner manipulating others to get what i want and others accept my manipulation through their own manipulation to also get want they want. It is an exchanging of roles of personalities it seem.

                             ================================






Self-Forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to being comfortable without being challenged as the whom i am, because the whom i am in my mind was never challenged before, because of the personalities i lived as within and as this world were all personalities that are acceptable by the majority of people, especially to women whom were attracted to me and then became my girlfriends.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others using my personalities to get what i want and desire in a relationship.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let others manipulate me so through their manipulation get my reward as a positive energetic experience, a.k.a '' being happy.''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase: '' We must accept someone for whom they are inside, the outside is not so important,'' implying that the personality i am looking for in another is what i need in order for ME to feel happy inside myself, an idea i created within myself and tell myself that the other must have to make ME feel happy about myself.

I forgive myself that in have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the personality in the mind of another than to give value to the body of the other that is actually real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only see the body as a carrier of the personality and validate it as something that i can use if it appeal to my needs by manipulating the personality within it through giving it more value then the body that houses it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the sentence: '' The person's heart is what counts,'' by this using the physical heart as a means to validate the persona's depthness, because the heart is the organ that pumps the blood to circulate the oxigen througout the body and with this i also see the heart through the mind as more important than other organs of the body with their own unique functions within and as the body, thus giving the persona in the mind the same separate value of ''more then'' by linking and use it as a comparison to the heart. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give certain organs/parts of my body more value then other parts and then through this link it to the persona in the mind as also being or having that same value.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the sentence: ''  The character of what the person is presenting is what is important and not so much how they look like,'' trying to convince myself and others that the personalities i/we playout in the world through/via my/our bodies are more important then the body itself that these personalities need in order to exist.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at someones presentation as a character and not as whom the being is in fact as a totality and within this only look at the positive things about the person. If the person have lots of things that are negative according to me, i will not choose the person, and if the body has nice shapes and the face is pretty i will let what i see as negative in the personality slide, within this then choosing the body based on the images i have in my mind of how a body should look like for me to like it, and not actually looking at the body as an equal to my body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the sentence: '' I love you for your personality,'' because according to my mind consciousness system, that is what is important and also the whole world is talking and teaching about this, that the personality is what is important about a human being, and not THE human being itself, all of what it consist of and exist as a manifested life-form equal and one with and as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on one aspect of what the human body consists of and exists as, and even within this not seeing/realizing/understanding that i am focusing on the part that is not really real, it is only being experienced as if it is real, but it is not actually real for it cannot exist on itself without the body and just exist on breathing on itself. Thus the personality that i belief i am cannot walk on itself outside the body breathing and be in this world without my human physical body, it is totally dependent on my human physical body and the functions of the human physical body for its existence within the body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the sentence: '' You are such a lovely person,'' because of the value i have given the personalities within myself and others as myself as being MORE valuable then the body itself and the LIFE that is within it and everything else.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always seek the positive energetic experience, because i belief that this is what i must find and seek in order to have a happy experience on earth and is even the reason and purpose of my existence on earth, without seeing/realizing and understanding that my real existence on earth is to express me as life as this human form in its full potential to support myself as life as all as one as equal so that life is not only celebrated, but also honored in each expression to express itself in its fullest expression and reach its own perfection in expressing itself in this physical reality of earth and physical exitence in its totality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that by giving value to my personalities and others personalities i am in fact choosing deliberately to put the personalities on a pedestal above the physical reality that they are dependent on and also on life itself.


O.k. within the next blog i will be writing the Self-commitment statements in regards to these Self-forgiveness statements.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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Day 272, The Relationship Between me and my son Part 3

                                                         

So now i move into the Self-Commitment statements in relation to the two blogs that went before this one.







Self-Commitment statements:


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling pity for my son, I STOP,---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i pity my son, because of memories about what happened to him within me when i was with him during his period of being sick, thus meaning it is ME pitying myself, because i am the one having the emotion as pity to exist within me as me as the mind as energy, thus living pity in actuality.

Therefore, i commit myself to make sure to apply myself now in every moment doing some practical application when there is pity coming up together with my focusing on my breathing so i can stay focus on both the breathing itself and what i am busy physically doing, in order to not get into the emotion as pitying myself away in the mind.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into the emotion of despair to/towards my son, I STOP------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that this emotion of despair i also created within the moment of being with my son when he was sick and experiencing myself as not being able to do something about his health and had to just wait to see IF his body will heal/get better or not by itself.

Therefore i commit myself to make sure that when i am in communication with my son and i can see in the moment that i am acting or speaking out of the emotion of despair to just make sure i do not participate in it, and focus on my hands touching something and focusing on the touch of that physical something together with the focus of my breathing.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into holding on within myself to have a relationship based in pity and despair to/towards my son, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that basing a realtionship with my son on the starting point of pity and despair is me in actuality not having a direct expressive one on one equal standing relationship and stance with my son, so that i can express myself as myself with him as my equal as a human being and not so much as my son alone.

Thus within this, i commit myself to make sure in every moment i communicate with my son to base my communication on the starting point of me being one and equal with him, so i in this manner can direct myself and the communication into and as an communication based on equality.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into reliving the moment of me being with my son in the hospital in my mind, i just immediately STOP, -----------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am holding on to this point just because within my mind i see it as if i do not feel pity or despair, i am not caring for him in a way, as if pitying and having despair somehow have something to do with caring, when it is in fact not so at all in real physical reality.

Therefore, i commit myself to just every time i am in communication with my son to be very alert within myself as in from what starting point i am busy communicating with him, and if i see i am within myself communicating from the starting point of experiencing pity and despair i just make sure i do NOT participate in it and make sure i am doing something physical with my hands, or i just walk around with the phone.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling of guilt within myself in relation to pitying and despair to/towards my son, I STOP------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that this feeling of guilt is coming from within me, because i am aware that pity and despair has nothing to do with actual REAL care for another and this case my son.

Thus within this i commit myself to stick to my attention of focusing on my breathing to see what goes on within me when i am in interaction/communication with my son, so i am sharp and clear as to how i am using my words and from what starting point i am conversing with him, and if there is a slight of pitty the tries to come up i just pause and be quiet and then clear myself within myself, do some self-forgiveness within myself in the moment and then proceed/carry on with the conversation/communication with my son.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into the emotion of regret, to immediately STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i this regret exist within me in relation to my son because of me actually being aware even though not in the moment totally clear about it, that i am in communication and interaction with my son on a basis of pity and despair within me to/towards him.

Thus within this, i commit myself to pay very good attention as in how i feel within myself and what kind of feelings or emotions accept and allow within me to exist when i am in interaction with my son, so i do not go or participate into emotion of regret. And the best way to do this is to help my self stay focus through/via touching something that is physical in combination with focusing on my breathing, so i ground myself in my attention to/towars my son in what words and especially how i feel within myself when in communication with him.


When and as i see myself going into or about to go into reaction of anger and frustration in relation to my son being teased at school because of his teeth, I STOP------------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that going into reactions of anger an frustration are coming from me pure based on what i think and belief within myself that my son is going through and not what my son is going through in fact.

Therefore, i commit myself to make sure to just be HERE for and with my son when in communication with him about anything without having to go into participation within myself in anger and frustration that are not necessary and also are dishonest by the very fact of having them to use them as to measure reality with according to my assumptions within myself based on what i think and belief my son goes through.


When and as i see myself going into or about to go into feeling ashamed, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize i am feeling ashamed because within me i am aware at some level that to feel anger and frustration is NOT in fact going to nor are they necessary for a solution that will be best for all, and can never be in fact either.

Therefore i commit myself to stay focus and sharp and just be here in each moment with my son without having any feelings or reactions within me to/towards him and just have a straight, direct communication based on just sharing myself as what i see in a moment that will be the best way to share myself with him.

When and as i see myself going into or about to go into projecting myself unto/to and towards my son, I immediately STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am projecting my own anger and frustration i have within me to/towards my son because of myself having memories of myself being teased at school when i was a little boy in regards to how my teeths look like.

Therefore i commit myself to just be here in a moment with my son with full participation and attention of the words i use and also how i choose to feel about what i am conversing with him without having to go into memories of myself about my teeth and place it on him as if that is in a way being equal in understanding, because it is not, because it is in reality supporting these very feelings and emotions and not coming up and taking a stand within coming up with practical solutions that will work to what is best for me and for him.

When and as i see myself going into or about to go into superimposing my childhood memories on my son, I STOP-------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am superimposing my chilhood memories unto my son as in order to give him the incentive that it appears as if i am caring and that i understand, when in fact i do NOT understand, because how can i understand if i am still reacting in emotions and feelings in the same way i reacted when i was a kid, thus meaning i have not understood the moment of the reactions when they happened to me, thus cannot assist and support my son also in a solution, because being in emotions and feelings will perpetuate the same emotions and feelings.

Thus, i commit myself to make sure i investigate this point of looking within myself if i can remember how i started to feel anger and frustration about being teased at school and hold on to it and now use it as a means to act as if i understand my son or as if i care, through my writing of Self-Forgiveness and my commiments to life.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into thinking and believing that what i have as memories of what/how i felt is the same that goes on within my son, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that what and how i felt is not the same as what my son is going through because he is experiencing the same emotions and feelings but i do not know as in how he actually feels within himself is the same i felt within myself, but now think and belief within me, just because i can relate to the situation that it is so, when in actuality it is not.

Thus, within this i commit myself to stop comparing my memories with what i perceive and see as what i think and belief is the same as how i felt when it also happened to me, because of the similarity of the situation and just focus in being here in breath and communicating directly with my son without basing it or having comparison within myself about his situation according to my mind interpretation based on my own memories of what happened to me, when even the memory itself is incomplete, because it is solely relying on how it felt and not all of what happened before i felt the way i felt and why i needed to accept and allow myself to have these to come up and exist within me so i can use them today as measurement when i encounter something that looks similar.



Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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Day 271, The Relationship Between me and my son Part 2

                                                               

I start with placing a few Self-forgiveness statements from the previous blog and then proceed from there.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having a relationship with my son based on pity and despair.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed within and as myself to have a relationship with my son based on pity and despair.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to be in regret to/towards the relationship i have built within and as myself in relation to my son.

Now continuing with the rest of what comes up in a moment of writing.

Self-forgiveness statements continuation:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my son with its front teeths growing too big and pushing forward, and because of this he is getting teased at school, which makes me react in anger and frustration because there is nothing i can do about it in the moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel this emotion to/towards my son within and as me, without seeing/realizing and understanding that when i do that, it is me myself that is being ashamed of myself about how my teeth look like.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my son's problem with his teeth as a projection of myself with problems i have regarding my own teeth, as in how they look like.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take the shame and anger upon me just because of my projection of myself to/towards my son, instead of me just being HERE and breathe and make sure that when i talk to him i talk to him from a common sense perspective and not a mental reaction about his problem, which is actually my problem, because it is me seeing it as my problem and projecting it unto him.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being directive within my communication with my son as a standing within and as myself in clarity, i let myself get influenced by thoughts of what he ''might'' go through based on what i have as memories of what i went through within my own childhood.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose my childhood memories unto my son.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that my childhood memories and the ones that my son is going through is the same and thus give me reason in my mind to go through all emotional feelings in regards to what he is going through.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that in order to assist my son in any way i must rely on my memories of my own childhood, without seeing/realizing and understanding that my memories are not real and also not based on what is BEST for all, thus using them to assist and support my son in communication with him is also not what would be best for me nor for him in his process of birthing himself as life here in the physical equal and one as i.

I will be doing Self-commitment statements in the next blog.

Thanks

Larry Manuela

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Day 270, The Relationship Between me and my son.

                                                   

Before i get to the forgivenesses i have to write for myself to see my own words, what it is that is going on within me in relation to my son.

Now as i said in a previous blog before, when he was very small, just 2 month old he got infected with a deadly virus that almost took his life.
Since that time, because of me that was with him in the hospital till he got better, i created within me a kind of relationship that is based on pity.
I see now that this pity-relationship is NOT what is best for all, for me nor for him.

Because everytime something happens to him or he does something, i experience this pitiness within me to/towards him.
It is like whatever he goes through i cannot actually really help him and i just have to wait, just like what happened when he was in the hospital, i had to wait till his body itself would cure itself or not. There was nothing the doctors could do, because he was too small to be injected with Antibiotics as they said. And this waiting has created a sort of despair within me to/towards him.

So now i have two words to work with in relation to my son, which are: ''Pity'' and ''Despair.''



Before i continue with this blog let me state here for a moment, that i am going to continue with the part that i said 2 days ago that i will be leaving out, which is the part of stopping myself in breath in moment before i see myself going or i am about to go into........., because within a chat with my buddy, which is Gian Robberts, through his assistance and support i came to realize that it is my mind that is in conflict with what it sees as conflict and not my body itself, my body learns instantly, and not the mind, thus i keep on using the structure even though i am not yet living it on a conscious level.  just like driving a car - the first few times you dont know how to drive but you are practising it, till you get it and then are driving the car and can even multitask while driving, because while practicing driving the car one is physically integrating everything which eventually  in the end lead to not requiring any thinking, as you just LIVE it, like driving a car, once you got it its all Physical and not thinking about it.

So this is what i am busy with at the moment, that one day i will be just breathing and see the points that come up within and as my mind before i go into them or allow them to come up, because i have practised how to be focused on my breathing and stick to my breathing till i am naturally aware of me breathing. Thus i just live being aware of myself breathing physically. Right now my breathing is taking place without me being aware of it, and this is what needs to STOP. This automized breathing of my body without my awareness of it.



Self-Forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity about my son.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel despair within and as myself to/towards my son.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a base-relationship with my son out of pity and despair.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that this kind of relationship based on pity and despair keeps in intertwined within and as pity and despair within and as myself in realtion to my son and thus in this manner making me not making common sense decisions and actually taking a real stance as a living being one and equal as life as him.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hang-on on a moment in the past and continue building on that one moment as if that one moment is still here, and that was the moment i was pittying my son laying in bed in the hospital almost dying and me being powerless about it as nothing could have been done and i just had to wait.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself to belief within myself that in order to have a relationship that is ''healthy'' i must also have some pity for him, otherwise i am just cold dad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that if i don't pity my son, i don't care about him, and that pitying him, is a way to show that i care, which in reality is the other way around, by pitying him i am busy not caring about him, because i am then busy with the pity feeling within myself about him and is not communicating and having a relationship with him based on equal understanding and equal sharing as equals.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that i am busy creating a consequence of pitying and despair within and as myself in relation to myself and thus never ever a real relation as equals with him so he can learn what it means to be equal, but instead he learns from me that caring involves having pity for another, which is a lie, a deception, a self-dishonesty to/towards LIFE.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having a relationship with my son based on pity and despair.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed within and as myself to have a relationship with my son based on pity and despair.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to be in regret to/towards the relationship i have built within and as myself in relation to my son.




To be contniued..........................



Larry Manuela

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