Day 362, The winds of Back-Chat.

I have chosen this title for my blog, because this is how I experience myself inside, if I would
give a practical/physical example of it. It's like being a coconut tree in the middle of a hurricane and the winds of this hurricane swing the tree from left to right, back and forth. Thus the tree is being badly hammered by the winds.


                                                                       

So let me go now into the specifics. I have been gravitating on the process of clearing myself from some debts I have, and every time it looks like I am going to finally, at least get a break and really be in a situation where I have a " normal"  money flow and my expenses I need to pay are not behind, but all on time,---------- However something unexpected always seems to happen to my children or some very good friends of mine, where I find myself in a situation that I cannot say: "  sorry, solve your own problems yourself!"  Either my kids really really need some money immediately or a friend is totally F***** and needs my help.
Than a point opens up that I do see, that it is a pattern, and this pattern I have been doing it for a very very long time, and it is this: "  I always weight/judge the situation of another, as worse than mine, thus I help this person first and see afterwards to myself, because I think and believe, I can still help myself afterwards,"  making few arrangements and agreements to pay what I have to pay in little parts till I am back on track again. However I have seen that this makes me fall behind all the time, and it is not like I am going to get some extra money to cope with this " fall back." Therefore, it will take me months afterwards to be on track again, and than BOOM, the same story again and again year in, year out. And within all this I than have the back chat: I am tired of this S***."
And I have to say that this back chat is not related or projected to these people, but to the situation of always having money shortage. Sometimes I wake up and I do not want to even go to work, because I know the whole salary is about, getting the money to refill the hole, in paying back what I am running behind with, with payments.

Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blown side to side up and down inside myself by the back chats I allow myself to have within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being in a situation of having to have debt, that it makes me impatience, because I want to solve this problem immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of wanting to solve this problem immediately, I run a muck in my mind looking for ways to solve it immediately instead of looking for other solutions that may not be immediate, however will alleviate the problem in the start and at least give myself some room to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on blaming myself to find myself within a situation of debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so ashamed of having to have debt, that I allow myself to not go anywhere and also not talk to anyone to avoid anyone coming close to me and finding out about my situation in relation to debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have as less contact as possible with people, to avoid them asking me if they could come visit me, because I am ashamed of my house not being livable ready yet and I knowing that it is going to take a long time before I can get it to a level where it will become a comfortable living environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also make sure that when I meet women on the internet that they are always far away from me, not close to the city I live in, so it won't be easy for them to say, that they want to come over/visit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people may think and say about me being in the situation I am, because I am ashamed of myself for being in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat: "  I am tired of this S***,"  to exist within me as me as the mind.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that due to the long dragging of being in financial difficulty, I just have no zest in anything I am doing, and eventually I end up doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my problem as " never ending."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes be angry at people, whom SAY and act as if they have no money in conversations, however in real live their way of spending show the truth, just because I am the one really without money, or very little money and when I say it in conversations it is not a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as liars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and leave myself out of the judgement of being a liar, when I am aware that I also do lie in some instances to save myself from certain/specific situations that can compromise my well being or my survival in the system, thus I avoid on the surface to not judge myself as a liar as the others, because what I lie about has to do with " something that matters"  and they lie about something that does not matter or hurt lots of people. Thus Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find within myself a justification as to what  weighs more to be lied about or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand in the moment of me lying about something to save myself of consequences, that I am busy in reality contributing to the lie that exist within this world that is the equal with the one I am busy, namely: "  to protect self-interest."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within the believe of:  " if I am lying to protect my self-interest, because it will have a good/positive/right outcome for me," that it is than o.k. to tell a lie.


To be continued........................................




Thanks.



Larry Manuela

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Day 361, The anger that consumes me, Part 2

O.k. Here I am with the continuation of the blog that I wrote before this one,  For context, I suggest to read that one here if one will here.

This where I left off in previous blog:



" When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reacting against something in anger within my mind consciousness system, I stop................take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that by allowing anger to exist within me, within my mind I am thinking and believing that it means that at least I am caring somehow, because " I am thinking about others that have less than me," as if "thinking about it is caring." 

Therefore, I commit myself to just stop myself thinking about those whom I have judged as living in circumstances and situations that are challenging, and actually start to get myself involved more practically with the actual doing, moving to/towards solutions that will bring about a change that will be best for all life." 

Self-commitment statements continuing:

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into participating in anger within and as myself and allowing it to be fueled up within myself, by myself, I stop........................ take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am allowing anger to be fueled within myself by myself, because of a deep seated self-created believe that somehow if I am angry at something or someone, I am being against that which I, myself has judged as faulty/wrong/bad/negative, within my own mind consciousness system, thus being angry against all of these is a " good/positive/right"  thing to do/to be, when in reality it is a war I am creating within and as my own mind, using projection judgement about what I see happening in the world, that have some similarity, or are totally similar to that which I have judged as faulty/wrong/bad/negative, thus reason enough within my mind consciousness system to be against it. However instead of working it out practically, I dwell in it, and allow it to consume me.

Therefore, I commit myself to really push myself into actually moving myself and doing what needs to be, because I already have the tools to work with, now rests the applying part. Thus I work on the applying part little by little till it becomes like brushing my teeth facing each point within myself, bringing myself to clarity and clearness, the point of understanding.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into in a creepy/strange way, enjoying being angry within and as myself to/towards myself and others as the whole world, I stop----------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I enjoy in a " creepy/strange way,"  being angry within myself, because I have become addicted to the energy of anger within me, and justify it with " being right"  about being angry at certain outcomes and certain groups and certain specific people in this world, including myself.

Thus within this, I commit myself to first release myself from this anger that consumes me and that I see, that I even enjoy, because it gives me a point of wanting to be against that which I have judged as " faulty/bad/wrong/negative specifically, using the tools provided by desteni as in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitments derived from common sense introspection.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into being angry at humanity at large because of what I see I have accepted and allowed to happen to life on my watch, I stop--------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am putting the blame on humanity for where I lack doing something that is practical solution-wise and will have an outcome that will be best for all.

Therefore, I commit myself to push myself to look more into coming up with practical solutions that is best for all that I am capable of doing in a moment and in this manner learn little by little how to be like this, and taking little by little more complicated practical solutions as part of my living expression.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into fearing a self-created imagination of what might become an outcome that is even worse than what exists now on this earth, I stop--------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am fearing these imaginations of possible outcomes within myself not so much because of what can happen to humanity and/or to life on earth, however more so, because of self-interested reasons as in, myself having to go through these or members of my family having to go through these.

Thus within this, I commit myself to only look at the self-interest that exists within me from the perspective of measuring myself as to see/realize and understand where I am taking self-responsibility to life or not, and doing what needs to be done to actually bring about in this world, that which will be best for all life, and in this way transforming self-interest into that which is the best interest of/for all.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into fearing losing a job in this world, I stop-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am fearing losing a job, because of what I already am aware that will happen when one looses a job in this world, especially in this day and age, where it is very challenging to get a new one, and having many other factors relating to it which makes it even more challenging, and bringing it all to the base, it is about being aware that one will be in a situation where one will be having to go through less money or no money, or at least not enough to cover all the monthly expenses that will not change to accommodate ones situation, which I find unfair given the amount of time gives to the system when one DO have a job in the system. One support the system 100% when one is working, however when one falls out of the system, the system will only support one 60 to 40 % depending where one lives, in which country and in some countries, it is basically ZERO support.


Thus within this, I commit myself to focus only on that which I do in each moment physically when it comes to my job and make sure I learn everything that needs to be learnt in order to get better at what I am doing, so I can support myself better within the system even when I loose a job, the possibility to find another one is greater then.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into fearing being in the middle of a humanity gone mad, I stop------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am fearing being in the middle of a humanity gone mad, because of what I can imagine could happen as what I already see happening in the world at the moment, only much worse than that.

Thus within this, I commit myself to focusing on solutions to the problems that are here, and focusing on bringing out more information about solution than information about the problem that is already here and is getting worse, so that my contribution to the world is one of solution and not one of focusing on what the problem is without a practical solution.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into thinking and believing that I cannot live oneness and equality within and as myself, I stop------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am  thinking and believing I cannot live oneness and equality within and as myself, because I judge it as something too big for me to live as if it is out of my reach, when in reality I have been given all that I need to live this, which is LIFE itself. LIFE is right here within as me. All I need to do is realize myself as this life and than all this thinking and believing will be no more.

Thus within this, I commit myself to focus more on LIFE that is the gift that is right here within me, which I for 100% am aware that I can trust this life no matter what, and the form of life that this life is expressing itself within and as and through, which is my human physical body. All I need to do is actually LIVE the trust I already have as common sense and remind myself that this trusting of life is going to take application/dedication/time/patience and grounding of me as self as life here. Thus baby steps to/towards myself in my application of remembering the who I am as LIFE here.

Self-Reward:

I see/realize and understand that my anger was related to/towards world events and outcomes due to my participation within the anger that I generate within myself as myself, in so doing supporting even in small ways the anger that is existent within this world through humanity at large, because of the anger comes in separation making one wanting to choose sides, as in thinking and believing always that whatever side one chooses is the " good/right/positive"  side when in reality the only choice to choose if choice was a matter, would be to choose the side of LIFE, which will not be the side that is "  good/right/positive"  or  " bad/wrong/negative,"  however, will be the only choice that will be BEST for all of life.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

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Day 360, The Anger that consumes me.

So here I am again with another same old problem or should I say challenge.



                                                                       

I have noticed lately that there is this anger that consumes me. And this anger I project on all of us, including myself, because of this thing we are doing, which I will call: "waiting." 

Because every single problem that is right here, right now can be stopped and changed forever more. However, because we do not really want to come together and work to/towards practical solutions that will be best for all of us, we keep on keeping on with the blaming game and looking at a so-called: "elite."  

We act as if the elite have soooooooo much power than all of us put together, which of course is not so.

I have noticed that this anger within me is related to a fear, and this fear is specific to experiencing unnecessary hardship.
Thus my anger that I project to/towards others as myself, is in relation to not wanting to go through unnecessary hardships and because I see that in reality, humanity is not really coming together anytime soon and the problems we have keep on mounting up, I become angry, but mostly deep inside myself it is a fear of the consequences that I can imagine could take place if we do not stand together as one & equal and stop, than change all the problems that are here, that we have created. Thus; OUR problem is MY problem!

Points that I need to work on:

***  anger to/towards humanity and myself included

***  projection of anger to/towards humanity and myself

***  Fear of possible future outcomes

*** Fear of having to go through hardships

*** Fear of  having to go through a world gone totally mad, because we do not share equally for everyone.

Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through the experience of being angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that by allowing anger to exist within me as me, I am somehow doing something or at least I am caring, because I am against that which is not right in the world that I see?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the anger that exists within me more impetus and value, through participating in it, fueling it up without actually working it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work out my anger I have been accumulating within me as me, because little by little it has become a point where I even like being angry all the time in my mind about the situation  I am in and that the whole world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and humanity at large, because of what I have accepted and allowed to be here on earth, while I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possible outcomes that can become part of my reality in this world and the reality for lots of people in this world, and not just people but lots of beings on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go through hunger, to not actually have something to eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to pay for my monthly expenses and thus get into a lot financial problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, due to not being able to pay my rent get be put out on the streets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to tell someone else, whomever this someone else is, a family or not, that I am in financial difficulty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to ever coming to a point of rest financially, a safe base where I can take care of my children financially as I wanted and as I have to, because I do not have a job anymore to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be in the middle of a humanity gone mad, because there is no equal sharing among humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at humanity, including myself for not accepting and allowing equal of everything to exist within and as this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that I cannot for myself live equality within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at " those people" whom make decisions in this world, which have an impact and effect the lives of lots of humans and other beings on earth that does not lead to that which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make decisions in every moment that I am here that will accumulate and eventually become that which will be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that humanity is doomed, because I judge humanity by what I see humanity allows to occur to life on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe  that I am doomed, because I judge myself for what I allow to accur to life on earth on my watch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I am aware that I am not doing much about changing the whom I am now to be/become a human being that can truly stand within and as myself to live in every moment, that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be consumed with anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lash out within and as my mind to all people out of desperation, because of my own self-created anger within myself to/towards humanity at large, myself included.

Self-commitment statements:

When I see myself going into or I am about to go into Anger, I stop.................take a deep breath, bring myself here, quiet myself within and as my breath, focusing on my breathing, the phyiscal feeling/touch of my breath and stick with it right here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that the anger that consumes me can only do so, because I am allowing it to be within and as my experience within and as my body.

Therefore, I commit myself to whenever there comes a moment when I in anger because I forgot to breathe to immediately remind myself that I am here and my breath here, my body is here and the whole earth here to support me with that which is life, all I need is to bring myself back here within and as myself and focus on that which is my breath and my physical body by touching my arms or holding my two hands together so that my focus is than here, which is that which is actually here as expression of life.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reacting against something in anger within my mind consciousness system, I stop................take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that by allowing anger to exist within me, within my mind I am thinking and believing that it means that at least I am caring somehow, because " I am thinking about others that have less than me," as if "thinking about it is caring." 

Therefore, I commit myself to just stop myself thinking about those whom I have judged as living in circumstances and situations that are challenging, and actually start get myself involved more practically with the actual doing, moving to/towards solutions that will bring about a change that will be best for all life.

To be continued in the next blog............................

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

And do the life course and perfect yourself: DIP

Study this  proposal which is:  LIG