Now here i am as i told you yesterday talking about this SEX drive of mine again, that is going to take a very very long time. It is NOT about how long it is going to take, but HOW I am going to tackle it, deconstructing myself as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world.
Now in the current system as a man, having lots of woman for himself or lots of woman interested in him, is like a great thing for the man, but when it comes to reality it is really an abusive thing to man himself and the women that are interested in him. Now you may probably ask, but why is it abusive..?? It is abusive because it is energetically based interests. Now what do i mean with this is the following: '' our minds need energy for it to continue being within and as the body, and men/women looking to fuck each other is ONE of the many forms that the mind rest upon to ensure it's survival as energy.
So now let me move to my little BIG problem here, which is SEX...!! I have a few woman whom are interested in me, and of all of them there are a few of them that i really like. Now the problem is this. I know about the mind stuff, and also know that to start anything from the perspective of energy, with this i mean that one starts with all the nice stuff, all the nice feelings, all the butterfly in the stomach that the woman go through.................................all of this is the MIND in action, making the body produce the energy till one are full of energy and will look for the energy release, and that will happen when the SEX happen and one reaches the Orgasm point. Then the mind will be all in bliss, but this cannot continue for a long time, after a few weeks already one will notice things starting getting ''normal'' and here is where the mind will suck energy again( in the form of arguments and disputes and disagreements), because both partners are going to notice behaviors and mannerism about each other they did not see/noticed when they were on drugs( feeling good inside as love), or sometimes they do see it, but the energy is too much already in the body and the butterfly wants to land on a flower......loll....., so usually one will get into a relationship and get fucked and then in the middle of the relationship will start to ''want to get out of it'' And all of this is because one didn't really took the time to know the person inside and out to see if being with such person would be such a good idea and if both would be effective in living together and be an example as what it means to live as what is BEST for ALL LIFE, i mean to really support and assist each other in becoming this human being that truly cares for all LIFE...!! As many people in the system know, no-one in the system looks for a relationship where they will be living in preparation of becoming human beings that will always do what is BEST for ALL LIFE. It is in the system all about what ''good feelings'' i will get out of the relationship with another, so the relationships in the system are all about how ONE FEELS about another as the starting-point, which is energy-based, and energy has a beginning and an End. For more clarification i will suggest to listen to this interview with Anu: Experiencing Life VS Living Life. Big Difference between the two, as many of you know we are now as the mind only busy with experiencing LIFE and NOT living LIFE..!!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a man whom will ''love'' to be with a lot of woman just to experience SEX.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even when i am NOT with any woman, still use my mind as in creating images and pictures in it where i live within my mind as having a lot of woman, when it is only in my mind not in real physical reality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling of missing physical touch, because physical touch is what i like the most in sex, i like the cuddling, before and after sex, and i like all and everything that has to do with touching and all of the parts of my body that i use for touching to happen, so within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make physical touch something i can turn into energy instead of just letting it be what it is, as just physical touch as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a junky for physical touch, as for physical touch in the form of getting energy experience out of the touch,especially when it comes to SEX.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i was sabotaging myself and manipulating and drugging my own body as in body-touch, as in using all of the parts of the body for the purpose of just touching to transform it into an experience that will lead to an energy fix, as in the form of a release that will be called: ''orgasm''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i was using what is really precious as physical touch and turning it into nothing as in the energy release that will be gone to feed my mind as the energy machine that it is.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for woman, just because now i wish/want/desire to have this experience of being touched physically.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect ''wish/want/desire'' to that which is physical touch, which is real and turn it into a seeking for a energy release in the form of an orgasm.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever be HERE in the moment of me touching me and me touching another as me, but instead use and manipulate me and another as me to get to the experience i will get inside of me when i start with the touching which i have managed to train myself to be good at it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to train myself as my body to be good at touching just because i found out that through touching itself i could in the long run get more energy fixes from the woman and from within myself. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body as in training it to be a junky for me as the EGO to get it's energy fix.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even when sometimes were in sex and in touching had a slide realization that touching is more then the energy release itself, i still chose to shove it away and remain in continuing looking for transformation of the touch into energy, instead of letting myself go completely and be just touch as me as my body with another body all in and as one, in and as touch alone as my body and her body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to now that i am putting the fire out as the energy junky i have become in manipulating my own body as in being a junky for touching, i am going through a lot of resistances and also lots of attractions that can lead to this physical touch that i am addicted to as a junky for me to get my energy fix in the form of an orgasm/release.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that it would be better for me to go through a real physical sex encounter as to see if i can be just touching as me as my body as being here, and not as me trying to get an energy fix in the form of an orgasm/and release. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in the desire of wanting this so much that i would do anything to just get it over with, to go through the experience of having sex and physically touch and being touched.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to trust myself if i will be able to just physically touch and be touched without having energy rising up within me. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of myself as energy as the EGO personality i have become in this world, because of me fearing me as the EGO not being able to do that, instead of me taking my directive principle and be here in breath and touch myself in breath and let myself be touched in breath one and equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate myself into believing that i can do touch now with a woman without getting an energy rush within me touching and being touched.
I commit myself to go through teaching myself into touching me as me, as within and as my own touch and leave the energy rush out, and embrace me as myself within my touch and accept my touch as me, and not as me manipulating me, and within this i will use my breath, to STOP myself when i see myself going through energy built ups when touching me.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into reactions as in needs/desires/wants to STOP myself and take a deep breath and continue breathing till the rush is over and little by little help myself in becoming more and more one and equal with me as my body, which i am now far from being one and equal with and as.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into participation where i will manipulate myself and others and STOP myself in breathing and make sure i am physically touching something physical to remind me that i am HERE.
Thanks.
Larry Manuela
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I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not act today but keep on postponing my action to align to that which is best for all life,because i accept and allow feelings and emotions to rule my standing for life, where i have this one lifetime to do this, to stand for real for LIFE..!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have no joy in life anymore, the moment i found out that i am EVIL as all the others, that there is not one that is not evil,because as long as all of us as me is here and the atrocities are here equally, then i am the source of it equal and one with and as it, together with all the other humans.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for i ''feel'' i am not doing enough to STOP myself as the source of all that is here as the abuse done to LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear for standing up for life, just because i know that to stand up for life in this world would mean; 'being the enemy of the system as what it is here through and by the humans as myself.'
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT honor my own breath and my human physical body as in the constancy and consistency that they are assisting and supporting me within and as this physical world, this physical existence, within my '' letting go off '' the Me as the EGO,as the personality i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' as if i am rotten away, little by little as the personality i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become, for i have never lived as me as the body that is here and as the breath of life that is here, equal and one as me. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only live in a relationship to my body and my breath, a relationship of pure separation where me as the personality consume the body that is here as manifested substance as oneness and equality as LIFE, and within this actually rot away because of the consummation of the substance as the body that is here for my personality that is NOT here as the body,but only in my mind as energy to keep on existing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dragged by my own participation within my mind,where i fall pray to my despair, crawling to the stairs of my own demise that i have built to be as steep and as slippery as possible for if i ever wanted to climb my way up where i would look down and see what i have created to be me, i will not get to the top to see, i will slide down from my own slippery steep stairs.Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as an personality that will do whatever it takes for me NOT to stand for life, for this means to the personality that i am:'' DEATH.'' Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own death as the personality that i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world, in this reality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that i cannot engage in participating in my mind delusions, where i will tell myself that all is fine and o.k. when my eyes gaze at the world at large, the place where i live, i see only abuse, only suffering, that are not as in the eyes of the beholder but are as what it is, as what i accept and allow to be here. within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live everyday in a world where there is unnecessary suffering and abuse and where i support a system that will NEVER STOP this unless i STOP me and support another system that supports LIFE, that HONOR LIFE..!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' sad because of me not seeing the HOW we are ever going to really stand up for life, for most people i encounter are NOT willing and that the only people i know for sure that are willing to stand for life and are doing in every moment of breath what needs to be done to bring about a world that is best for all LIFE, are the desteni people.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' like the walls are closing in on me, as if everything is compounding and accumulating to a degree where there is just sadness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' sadness, as sadness is another emotion set in motion in my mind in order for me to not STOP myself from the participation within my mind as the personality i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to each time i see atrocities in this world in pictures, images,videos i become emotional as in angry at myself and humanity as a whole for we have NOT stood and STOP the atrocities not today but yesterday..!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that no matter what, i have to stand for life for myself first before i can do anything in the world at large, because by becoming one and equal as life the world will not be as large anymore as i perceive it now from the perspective and the interpretation of my mind consciousness system, as which is what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world, in this reality, in this existence.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing stable and here in breath, for i already know within myself that my standing as LIFE will create storms in peoples minds, and within this i fear the people being against me as LIFE, and wanting to eradicate me, as i have already seen in this reality that those who will stand for life will be ground.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of getting ''ground'' for standing up for life, whether it happens or not is irrelevant to the problems at hand that must be faced.
I commit myself to through my writings, self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to STOP myself in participating in trying to fool myself and looking for back-doors to save my personality, when the real saving so to speak will be me as the personality bringing all that i have accepted and allowed myself as in my relationships to be grounded in LIFE back so i give myself to LIFE back as the totality that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in this world, in this reality, in this existence.
Thanks.
Larry Manuela
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