Day 290, Who am I in relationship with the word: "Feeling." Part- 5

 So now moving further to the next word, which is going to be " Feelings."

before I continue, let me place the link of the first blog with the list of words that I said I will be working out as to get to really understand them as living them in a practical way and as I also said, that there are words in that list that are not words I practically can live, but I can redefine them in way that will be best for all life for me to live according to these re-definitions.

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2014/02/day-286-what-is-understanding.html


So now up to feelings. So lets see what our dictionaries are saying about feelings.




                                                             

feel·ing  (fē′lĭng)

n.

1.

a. The sensation involving perception by touch.

b. A sensation experienced through touch.

c. A physical sensation: a feeling of warmth.

2. An affective state of consciousness, such as that resulting from emotions, sentiments, or desires: experienced a feeling of excitement.

3. An awareness or impression: He had the feeling that he was being followed.

4.

a. An emotional state or disposition; an emotion: expressed deep feeling.

b. A tender emotion; a fondness.

5.

a. Capacity to experience the higher emotions; sensitivity; sensibility: a man of feeling.

b. feelings Susceptibility to emotional response; sensibilities: The child's feelings are easily hurt.

6. Opinion based more on emotion than on reason; sentiment.

7. A general impression conveyed by a person, place, or thing: The stuffy air gave one the feeling of being in a tomb.

8.

a. Appreciative regard or understanding: a feeling for propriety.

b. Intuitive awareness or aptitude; a feel: has a feeling for language.

adj.

1. Having the ability to react or feel emotionally; sentient; sensitive.

2. Easily moved emotionally; sympathetic: a feeling heart.

3. Expressive of sensibility or emotion: a feeling glance.

In these definitions up here, only B and C are deeling in a sense with the real practical "feeling" as it exists in real physical matter, thus what feeling actually is as an expression as the body that is real, real touch.

The rest are dealing with mind perceptions and interpretations. Nothing to do with the real physical feeling/touch, thus reality.

As we also already know, we as humanity have taken the  positively charged energetic experiences= feelings we experience as if they're more important than the actual real feeling as in touching itself, thus the physical touch. Even the physical touch is being used as a means to measure the energetic feelings we experience inside, it's like we touch in order to feel.

Within the desteni material I have learened thus that feelings are positively charged energetic experiences.

They are the projections of any emotion, thus the polarity expression of emotions. They are designed derivatives of emotions to establish the experience of polarity within all of us humans.

Self-forgiveness & Self-Commitment statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where I and the rest of us humans don't actually really know what feelings are, I have no actual real understanding of what feelings are in fact from the moment of conception upto the moment of experience.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into judging myself and the rest of human beings as of not knowing how our minds work, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am judging myself and the rest of the human beings of not knowing what feelings actually are, without having to judge it and just see/realize and understand that at the moment this is how it is by most if not all humans on the earth.

Therefore, I commit myself to investigate the desteni material on this subject and also not only investigate and study it, but to actually really apply within and as my daily live so I can walk as an example within and as the understanding of feelings.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand the importance of understanding how feelings actually work.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into not giving importance in understanding how feelings actually really work, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am not giving much importance in coming to an understanding of how feelings actually really work.

Thus within this I commit myself to make sure I study more indepth the desteni material that are specifically giving information about this subject and not only study it as a form of gaining information about it, but to actually use the information in order to be an example as how to live understanding feelings in actual real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in world where feelings and emotions are being messed up and mixed up with each other and where there is not a clear distinction between the two.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into looking at the defintions of this world about this subject of feelings or emotions and I see that they are all messed up and mixed up and that there is not a real clear distinction between the two, I STOP------------------ take a deep breath and bring myseklf back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am at the moment seeing these defintions as messed up and mixed up, because of the understanding that I have aquired through the desteni material that is specifically clear in sharing what feelings are and what emotions are.

Thus within this I commit myself to continue with the studying and implementing the knowledge into practical living step by step till I am completely living the words feelings and emotions in every moment of breath right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the positively charged energy experience as feeling more value and worth and improtance then the actual real physical touch as the real feeling, physical feeling.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into giving positively charged energetic experiences more value/worth and importance then the actual real physical touch as real feeling, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize I am giving positively charged energetic experiences as feelings more value/worth and importance then the actual real expression of feeling itself which is physical touch as physical feeling.

Thus within this I commit myself to reverse this value/worth and importance I have given to the charged energy experience within myself and instead give value and worth and importance to the real actual feeling as touch and within this express myself completely within and as touch, as the real manifested form that is what real feeling is all about.

Self-Reward:

Within this writing I have come to see/realize and understand that I have been living only in giving more value to the feelings that exist within me as me as the mind then the actual real physical feeling as touch, so much so that I have come to use/abuse the body when touching myself or another to only get an experience of energy within me as me as the mind as consciousness. Thus now that I am aware of what I am doing, I can in moments when I am seeing myself moving into or I am already into the whole energy experience to immediately STOP myself and give my attention to the actual touch as physical feeling and immerse myself completely as me expressing me as the physical right here in and as physical touch as physical real feeling.


Thanks.



Larry Manuela

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Day 278, Memories that triggers the need/want/desire for sex in the relasionship : Part - 3

                                                                               

                                                                           


                                       
Now moving to the next dimension, which is: Thought-Dimension.



Thought-Dimension:


*** picture of me being whispered in my ear 

*** picture of me kissing a woman on the lips

*** picture of her body being gazed upon by me





Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me being whispered in my ear to get me excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more excited when hearing the sound and voice of a woman in my ears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become much more horny if I hear sounds of sex made by a woman, then her making no sounds at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to get excited when there is sex sounds to be heard.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I am focusing a lot on the sounds a woman makes during sex with her then focusing on being together with her itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only when being with a woman and we are having sex, and she is making sex sounds, am I able to get more into the sexual act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if a woman is not making sex sounds during sex with her, that there must be something wrong with me, and that she probably is not as interested in me as I believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my sexual action with a woman through the sex sounds she makes, and if there is little to no sounds, I loose interest in sex with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that sound is the most valuable aspect of sex with a woman for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture in my mind of me kissing a woman ever so gently on her lips.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very excited when I kiss a woman on the lips, where an energy builts up in my solar plexus and because of this giving me the impression that i have to kiss her more and intensely so, in order for the experience of the energy in my solar plexus can increase.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give the energy built up in my solar plexus more importance and value then the actual kissing of the physical touch of the lips coming together itself, they are only as important as what i can get from them when engaging in kissing a woman on her lips.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture within my mind of me gazing upon the body of a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to have pictures within my mind about a woman I am with when she is not around in order for me to feel good about myself and generate energy within and as me as my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself an addiction of shooting picture within my mind in order to generate energy for my mind and in this, not making sure that I just remain here in my breath within and as my human physical body not having the necessity to rely on pictures in my mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having pictures of a woman or women in my mind give me a reason to exist as in having something to do, when in actuality I am in fact not doing anything, I am just lost within the pictures within my mind.



Self-Commitement statements:


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into having picture of being whispered in my ear by a woman, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and ground myself, bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am using this picutre of being whispered into my ear by a woman, because it makes me excited.

Therefore, I commit myself to when such moments arrive to make sure I remind myself to put my focus on my breathing by grounding myself and also making sure that in conjunction with this breathing to do a physical task so the bringing of myself back here is more assured and physically directed.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into becoming more excited by hearing the sound and the voice of a woman in my ears, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I get more excited when i hear the sound and voice of a woman in my ears, because i have programmed myself to be more reactive to the sounds itself with a woman during sex or just before sex.


Therefore, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life to not react to sounds during or before sex, but to move with and as the sounds when I am with a woman, as part of the whole sexual intercourse that is going on, and if I do continue getting excited because of the sounds, I ask the woman I am with to give me a moment to take some breaths to stop participation within the getting excited based on the sounds I am hearing and when I see that I am clear we can proceed again with the support of each other through sex.

When and as I see myself going into or i am about to go into thinking and believing that if a woman does not make sexual sounds, that there must be something wrong with me, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that because I have programmed myself that I must hear sexual sounds made by a woman during sex with her when I am touching her, and if this does not happen then there is something wrong with me within my touch, that I am not good enough.

Thus, within this I commit myself to when I am in the act of having sex with a woman to focus on the physical movements of my body and her body and just be totally here in the moment, either there will be sounds or no sounds to just focus on the totality of the whole physical experience of having sex with each other, and if a something comes up within me as energy because I react to the sounds, I just take a break within the act of having sex with the woman for a moment and ask her to wait for a moment and I then clear myself through self-forgiveness from this energy that comes up with me as a thought and wait till i am grounded in breath, to then proceed.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into becoming more horny, because of the sounds of sex made by a woman, then little to no sound, I STOP-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that I get more horny when i hear sexual sounds made by a woman then little to no sound, because I have programmed myself to react on the sounds woman make when having sex with them and making this as THE most important thing for me.


Thus within this, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life, to make sure I step by step de-program myself and then create myself to be fully as myself as all that I am in a moment of having sex with a woman and express myself as such and not react to sounds or little to no sounds a woman makes.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into looking for ways to focus more on the sounds made by the woman when having sex with her to get more into the sexual action itself, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am letting myself get used by my own addiction to sounds a woman makes when having sex with her, so i can get more into the sexual action itself as if need the sounds to make the sex worth while.

Therefore, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to dedicate and teach myself to make sex an expression instead of trying to use the sounds a woman make to make sex worthwhile, and making a mockery of sex, by making it into something that is or worth doing or not, when it is to express and in the expression support and assist my own body together with the body of the woman also.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into making up a picture within my mind kissing the lips of a woman ever so gently, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that I make picture of kissing the lips of a woman ever so gently, because this is the way i can get into my groove as preparation to the actual thing, without seeing/realizing and understanding that the picture I make up within my mind is not actual reality and actual reality will always not match with how i pictured it within my mind.


Therefore, i commit myself to focus on my breath when i am a woman and also when i am aware that i am going to be with a woman, and just do not participate into making up pictures of kissing her within mind, and justwait till the moment is here and if i want to kiss her i just ask so and if it is a "yes" i then kiss her, thus making it a practical real kiss without the stimulation of having to make up a picture of kissing her beforehand.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into getting excited when kissing a woman and geenrating energy within my solar plexus, I STOP-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me the mind as energy.


I realize that I am letting myself get excited through a kiss for the purpose of generating energy within and as my solar plexus and to intesify the kiss more to also intensify the energy generation more.


Thus, whithin this I commit myself to stop participation in using a kiss to generate energy for the purpose of experiencing energy within my solar plexus and instead kiss her as an expression of myself as how I want to express myself within and as myself within my lips touching her lips.

When and as I see myself going into or i am about to go into giving the energy I experience in my solar plexus more importance and value then the actual kiss itself, I STOP-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am giving the energy experience in my solar plexus more importance and value then the kiss itself, because I can get more energy this way.


Therefore, I commit myself to give actual value to the kiss itself and not to the energy till I clear this point and if it continues I work it out through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life till the point is cleared.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into using picture of a woman i am with without her physically being here to feel good about myself and generate energy within my mind consciousness system, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that I am using picture of woman I am with to feel good about myself and generate more energy within my mind consciousness system.

Therefore, I commit myself to stop participation into making pictures of woman I am with within my mind when she is not around in the flesh and focus on how to physically/practically to approach her and express myself together with her when the moment is actually here and that is it.

When and as I see myself shooting pictures within my mind to feed my addiction to energy, I STOP-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realilze that I am shooting picture in my mind, to keep my addiction to energy as my mind intact, and thus relying on them.

Thus, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life, to little by little and step by step to clearing my addiction and make sure that I focus on physical tasks so i do not participate within my mind fueling the addiction, till I am no more addicted nor creating addiction within me.

When and as i see myself going into or I am about to go into having picture of a woman or women to make me feel as if I don't have them I don't exist or have nothing to do, I STOP--------- take a deep breath till I 
am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that I am lost within the pictures in my own mind and thinking and believing that by having these pictures I am doing something, when in actuality I am not.


Therefore, I commit myself to make sure that i actually DO something as in the form of moving myself to express myself with a woman in the moment of being with her and let the expression in the moment be just that, and not looking for having a reason to express either.



Self-Reward:

Within this writing I have seen/realized and understood that I am using lots of pictures of woman or women within my mind to generate energy for my mind and because of this not actually expressing myself here in the physical when with a woman for real, but focus on how I experience the energy within me when with her. Thus now I am aware that I just have to teach myself to express myself in the real physical world with a woman and not rely on pictures in my mind to just react and in this supporting me and also the woman.



Thanks


Larry Manuela


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Day 245, Positive Findings/Remarks/Feelings regarding attractiveness for a woman/women. Part 3

So, here i am continuing to the next Dimension, which is going to be; ' Imagination-Dimension.'


I will place the last part of my previous post for more short perspective here:


Self-Reward:



Now that i have seen/realized/understood what i am doing forming pictures, thus thoughts in my mind i can identify them more easily when they appear within me and i can take them to the point of their origin so i can delete them and purify myself through self-forgiveness and be clear and stable. Thus when i move physically, i move without interpretations/views/beliefs/concepts within and as my mind, i am just HERE breathing as a human physical body and that's it.




Problem:




Imagination-Dimension:



****  Imagining myself with her making passionate love

****  Imagining how it will feel like to hear her moan in my ears

****  Imagining her soft skin touching mine

****  Imagining myself contemplating her skin color 

****  Imagining lusting her so much

**** Imagining myself to be enchanted by what i perceive as her beauty

Solutions:



Self-forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagining myself making passionate love to her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define passionate or being passionate as an act that belongs/correspond to making love, wherein if it isn't passionate enough, it is NOT making love, not showing deep care enough and is just shallow sex.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that if i during sex with another am not going through some deep feelings, i am NOT doing something that is ''right'' and which means to me, that i am NOT good enough.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link passion to feelings instead of expressing myself AS passion, that passion is whom i am, i live it.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that i am using passion as a means to get what i want/wish/desire for my own self-interest.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagining how it will feel like to hear her moan in my ears, as i have programmed myself to get much more aroused by the sounds produced when having sex, than actual expression of sex itself.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see within this getting aroused, is something that is only for me, thus my own self-interest i am seeking to be fulfilled through making sure another moan so i can get my groove on.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on how to make the other moan even within my own imagination for in case of when the opportunity does present itself for me to play out this imagination according to my own selfish needs as i have imagined them.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine her soft skin touching mine.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the imagination of her soft skin touching mine to induce a desire to/towards her as in wanting to touch her in real life, without seeing/realizing/understanding that wanting to act from in the first place is coming from an energetic trigger-point within and as myself as the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself contemplating her skin color.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that which i imagine in my mind is NOT what is HERE as me and her being right HERE and i am looking at her skin-color, it is all flashes of memories i have placed within me as me as the mind as energy.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself lusting her so much.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use this imagination of lusting her, just to trigger some point of desire within me that eventually can lead to me giving in, into wanting to have sex with her to fulfill this desire that is based on energy as me as the mind.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself to be enchanted by what i perceive as her beauty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be enchanted by her beauty as in what i have placed as criteria as what i want/wish/desire in a woman to be having in order for me to find them beautiful, which are: ''white skin color, nice legs, soft skin-color,soft voice tonality.''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define beauty according to what i think/belief a woman should have that i have placed as a criteria's about her, for myself within myself in order for me to find her attractive.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that what i perceive as beauty has only to do with my own self-interest and how i judge another based on how they look according to some set of standards society have placed and defined as what beauty should be, and that i have incorporated within and as myself as if it is my own, when it is all brainwashing/programming.




Self-Commitment statements:


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into imagination of having passionate sex with her, I STOP--------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that i use ''passion'' as a means to validate the FEELING i get inside of me that i experience and word out as ''making love,''  wherein i give this feeling more importance than the bodies themselves being one and equal in touching and expressing themselves as the body they are, a truly living being on/of the earth.

Therefore, I commit myself to learn to express me as the body that i am without going into energy creation to be given to the mind and drug myself to want more and more of this energy every time, instead of expressing myself as one body together with another body in and as SEX.



When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into thinking/believing that NOT going through some deep feelings during SEX which means i am not good enough, I STOP------------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that put a label of achievement in sex for myself to apply which is purely based on feelings as energy within me, instead of being HERE expressing myself as the body that i REALLY HERE.

Thus within this, I commit myself to let achievement go through forgiving myself and walk the necessary steps practically in order to just learn how to express myself within and as sex and that this is not something i am looking at as an achievement, because when there is a need for achievement it means that i have to perform and performance is not natural as in expressing oneself as the human physical body/form. Performance is a play, being an actor.


When and as i see myself getting aroused because of hearing her moans when that is to happen in the future, I immediately STOP------------- take a deep breath or many deep breaths till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that this getting aroused is NOT based on the sound specifically of what her vocal cords produce, but what i have placed within myself as a form a recording/memory that i must hear in order for me to built more energy within myself in order to reach an orgasm much faster, like an instant orgasmic trigger-point as in hearing the sounds of woman moaning.


Thus within this I commit myself to investigate more deeply and root out this energetic kick i have placed within me to react in a way to reach an orgasm, as an orgasm is the perfect ''feel good machinery program,'' for the mind to extract more energy in in single instant.


when and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into imagining myself getting touched by her skin, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i let myself get triggered to the imagination i have placed within myself as what will aroused me more and than use this to get myself worked out for in the case i do get to actually be touched by her, thus projecting myself through my mind, which is NOT what is HERE.

Thus within this i commit myself to investigate and work out these projections of what can happen or may happen and how they must happen to me according to my own self-interest as it reward me with a ''good excited and orgasmic feeling.''


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into labeling or finding her beautiful, I STOP------------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that, that which i perceive/view as beauty in another is nothing but a set of standards based on the society i live in have placed, that i have taken as my own and now live them as IF the beauty i see/perceive/view is actually my own finding, something that i came across myself.

Thus within this, I commit myself to make sure to Redefine beauty to a word that will be expressive and not felt or seen through the eyes as what i have as memory that are programs i have placed within me as what i need to judge another as how they look for me to like them, or see them as ''beautiful.''





Self-Reward:


Within this post i have seen/realized/understood through my own writing that i am using imagination to trigger energies within and as my mind in order for me to get my energetic highs as feelings and emotions, and thus keeping myself in this matter away from actually/factually/practically Expressing ME, as the Human Physical Body/Form, thus NOT living as the body but as a personality in a mind.






Thanks.




Larry Manuela

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Day 243, Positive Findings/Remarks/Feelings regarding attractiveness for a woman/women. Part 1

So here i am starting with the first dimension regarding this point.

In my previous post i left some points that i need to work on and i have given a little explanation about how i see/perceive/interpret these points within and as myself.

I will place these points here again as the problems with their explanations and in so doing start with the deconstruction from the first dimension i will take on, which is the Fear-Dimension.



****  Passion: Now this is related to sex, when and as i see a woman i am with and she is totally ingrained with the excitement to move herself to have sex in a slow motion kind of way, as in building the stamina to a state where i know from experience will get herself totally aroused and where she will let all the brakes loose and where nothing matters but the two of us in that moment engulfing in all the touches and kisses and body fluids as in a form of out of control but yet still in control as meaning: '' following the flow of the movements in the moment.''


****  Beauty: within this i see beauty as in every thing she does, whether it is the way she smiles, the way she close her eyes when i am kissing her, the way she lower her voice as i will perceive it as she is ''giving in'' into the moment of being together, this beauty has nothing to do with specific how she looks, but more with how she is in a moment or all moment as she moves herself.


****  Lust: kissing, caressing, touching her body, making sure that every inch is being given attention, following the movements within me and try to figure out what she might be going through when i am busy with her, breath changing and becoming long and heavy, slowly but surly getting into faster motions to eventually in the end reach an orgasm. Now this orgasm thing is a major point on my behalf, that i will have to work on/out extensively, because i can see within me that i have programmed myself to really LIKE orgasm, i have become an orgasm junky, thus in reality meaning: '' energy sucking vampire,'' in a sense.


****  Softness of skin: She has very soft skin, and when i touch her skin i feel as if i want to touch it forever, like wanting to really really feel the touch of her skin when i am touching it, i can go one forever just doing that, it is like amazing, everywhere i touch this softness is there, thus the softness of skin is for me a way to explore the touch to the skin.


****   Color of skin: I LIKE white skin-color and she has just that, white skin-color. Now because of this it generates even more energy within me, it is just because i have gotten what i wish/desire/want when it comes to the color of the skin of a woman, the so-called: '' happy feeling.''



****  Softness of voice: Now this point is also a major problem for me, because when she speaks she has a very soft low tonality and that gets me all the time, sometimes if i don't pay attention to my breathing i can immediately get aroused by just hearing her speak whatever. So this softness of voice is again another point that i have programmed within myself for me as a point of getting myself worked out as into becoming aroused, because it signifies passion in a woman to me according to my own self-created beliefs, because of the experiences i have had with other women in the past with soft voices.

Problem:


Fear-Dimension.



**** fear of maybe/possibly not being able to get to the flow of movement when having sex and been seen as incompetent.

**** fear of me nor her being totally aroused and thus the sex will not have much of an significance.


**** fear of if she does not move herself the way she moves that i perceive as being beautiful, i may loose interest what i see as beauty in her.

**** fear that without the lust the sex will NOT be great.


**** fear that if the skin is not soft as i want/desire/wish for it to feel like, will make me less engaged in sex with her.

****  fear of loosing grip with reality by focusing too much on the color of the skin as the value i have given it and what kind of reactions i accept and allow it to have within/as me.

**** fear of if the voice does not continue being soft i might get not interested enough or aroused enough and due to this treat her and her body as not so much valuable when it comes to sex.



Solutions:


Self-Forgiveness Statements:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the fear of maybe/possibly NOT getting into the flow of movements when having sex with her, because this flow of movements as one in a sense indicate to me that i am making the right moves, thus in this without me noticing i am NOT expressing sex but instead performing sex.

Therefore, I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how i was deluding myself into thinking/believing that i am being one with myself and another as myself during the act of sex, when in reality it was just a play, that i think/belief i have to do it the right way as a highest standard i have placed for myself to reach in the moment of having sex with another.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how i do sex and NOT about actually/factually/practically move as my body as one as equal in the act of sex itself, thus that sex is the whom i am as a physical movement in that moment, my expression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that arousal as i understand through the mind is what i necessarily have to have in order for me to engage in sex and really give it my all, and thus fearing that if that is not to happen that i will not be giving my all and also in relation to another as myself if i do NOT see this arousal in her, as  i interpret/see/view it, that she will not be totally engaged into the sexual intercourse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a method through arousal to engage in sex, thinking/believing that this is what i have to be or do.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that beauty lies in how i perceive it through my mind as how i interpret her movement.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will lose interest in her if her movement that i interpret through my mind is not there anymore.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only regard my own self-interest  to what i like/wish/desire/want from her or what i perceive/interpret through my mind that i have to like or not like as a belief system/value system that in reality is NOT based on what is BEST for all.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see/interpret/perceive/view LUST as something i have to ''feel'' first in order for me to have sex, and in so doing thinking/believing than that sex have to do with performance and thus NOT with EXPRESSION of two bodies coming together to express themselves as One as Equals, thus wherein EACH are expressing themselves totally as the body they are through/within the expression as SEX.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that if her skin is NOT according to me what i wish/desire/want it to be feeling like as the softness of the skin, will give me enough a reason for me to NOT engage fully when having sex together with her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Fear not feeling the softness of her skin as i perceive/interpret it through my mind as i would like it to feel like, will make me lose interest in her and by this then NOT engage fully when having sex together with her.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place skin-color as a means for me to like women in this world, or to find them attractive because of this, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i am in every moment i do this separating myself to all the other skin-colors that are HERE and thus valuing them as LESS then the one i have given value that suit my own self-interest BEST.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing grip with reality if i am to focus too much on the color of the skin that i have placed value in and also the reactions i have accepted and allowed to exist within me to validate and strengthen my own Self-Interest.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let her voice to influence/trigger reactions and feelings within me as how i will behave in specific moments and how my body will also react to what i have placed as value within me in order to get energized as in this case becoming aroused.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let fear influence me as in how i should hear her voice in certain/specific way and if it is NOT so that i might not be interested or aroused enough and due to this, treat her and her body as NOT so much valuable when engaging in the act of sex together with her.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place interest and arousal to link to her voice/softness of her voice in order for me to have sex with her and value her and her body, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i am reacting on preferences i have placed as values within myself as what i will accept and allow in order for me to be more deeply engaged sexually, when NONE of this is what expressing oneself as sex is about.




Self-commitment statements:



When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into performing sex together with her, instead of expressing sex together with her, I STOP-------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE and make sure i continue focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am having sex with her through how i perceive it to be like in my mind and thus therefore i think/belief that i have to perform, which means that i have to do it as how i see/perceive/view it in my mind.

Therefore, i commit myself to do self-forgiveness in the moment immediately out loud or in written words when i will be engaging in sex together with her in the future, and to also communicate to her that i will be saying STOP to myself if i see myself trying to perform when we are having sexual intercourse, and that i will then have to NOT continue till i get rid of this mind delusion, and than from there pick it up when all is clear to start the learning process of EXPRESSING SEXUALLY.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into just DOING sex, I STOP------------ take a deep breath or as many deep breaths as possible till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i just do sex, instead of expressing myself as sex as one as equal as my whole body with another as myself as one as equal.

Thus within this, I commit myself to make sure i dedicate myself to NOT to DO sex anymore, but to really investigate and learn how to EXPRESS ME AS SEX, as the whom i am in a moment with another as myself as one as equal as this is what i have never done before in my life, thus that i also give myself the opportunity to be patient with myself and understand that this will take time and that it's NOT something that will come easy, because all i have ever been in my life was just a personality superimposing its own way on to its own body and other bodies and this whole reality that are NOT based on that which is BEST for all LIFE.


when and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into being aroused as in energy movements within me, I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and Earth myself HERE, and make sure i continue focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that the arousal i experience/go through is energy based, and NOT my own REAL decision in moment of breath as the whom i am as the living human body.

Thus within this, I commit myself to write out and investigate this point within myself and if it comes up again, to say out loud to myself: '' STOP,'' in order to make sure that i take my directive will to NOT participate in energetic movements of my mind, and if this point does not clear up i just refuse to engage in the act of sex, and work on my self-forgiveness and my corrective statements till i come to the point that when i do have sex with another as myself i will NOT be aroused anymore as getting myself charged with energy movements within me.



When and as i see myself using fear through arousal, I immediately STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that behind the energy of arousal i am using another energy which is Fear in order for me to keep my personality intact and in directive principle.

Thus within this, I commit myself to investigate more deeply this energy as Fear that i am using that is behind the other energy as in arousal to keep my personality as how i have created myself to be/become in this world alive by using self-forgiveness out loud or in written words and make sure to make practical commitments to myself that i can live practically for real in order to get rid of this fear.


When and as i see myself going into my mind interpretation as how i perceive beauty to be through my mind as how she moves her body and that if she does not move as what i have found beautiful about her, i fear i might lose interest in her, I STOP----------- and i take a deep breath or many deep breaths till i am clear and stable and i am sure that nothing is moving within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that i have deluded myself to fall for what i see/perceive/view as beautiful about her, as in how she moves and than use fear that if she changes her way of moving herself i might lose interest in her as means to make sure i stick to this paranoia.

Therefore, I commit myself to little by little and with the commitment to my writing of self-forgiveness and my self-commitment statements to life, to get rid of this paranoia, to dedicate time to myself to make sure i root it out completely so that when i am with her no matter how she moves i won't have any reactions or feelings within me, so i can just express myself with her as myself as my human physical body one and equal HERE.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling LUST in order for me to than have sex, or wanting to have sex, I STOP-------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that having sex or wanting sex based on LUST is energy within/as my mind.

Thus within this, I commit myself to little by little to work out this LUST point within myself in my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to LIFE till i am completely devoid of such energy within the mind, and when it comes to lust in a moment to just say out loud immediately: ''STOP'' and just do not engage into the act of sex when i am experiencing lust or i am aware that i am about to have sex with another based on lust.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into thoughts/beliefs about the softness of her skin in the future, to immediately STOP------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE and focus on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.


I realize that i hold on to this thought/belief about her skin feeling soft to me, because it is a point that i have accepted and allowed within/as myself to be of significance when i am touching a woman's body, and that gives her body more value according to myself as what i think/belief a body of a woman ought to be feeling like all the time.

Thus within this i commit myself to make sure in another time to communicate with her and ask her that i am going to touch her body and describe to myself exactly as far as best as i can in that moment what my hands or lips really feel like touching her body or skin in order for me to get in touch with what is factual and NOT what i have as a belief based on memory that i have implanted/imprinted within myself in order to just look for that particular experience that i once had that i liked, and this matter make sure that i stay HERE as to what is actually/factually/practically going on and if there are any reactions coming or any memories to immediately in that moment to do self-forgiveness out loud or in written words, till i am clear and can engage in the real practical aspect of touching of the physical bodies.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into letting myself get carried away by her skin-color that triggers some memories/feelings/reactions within me to immediately STOP------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i let myself get influenced by her skin-color just because i have programmed within myself that this specific skin-color is the skin-color that i will find attractive to me in this world as for the woman i am willing to be with, and due to this through this programming then ignite all kinds of thoughts/reactions/memories/feelings that will validate and strengthen the attractiveness more and more.


Therefore, I commit myself to investigate immediately when any reaction/thought/memory/feeling come up within me connected to this specific pattern/point so i can than STOP myself in that moment that i am going through it and investigate it immediately and NOT let myself go through it and to do self-forgiveness in that moment out loud or in written word to release myself from further mind-fuck, and if there is some new point that open up that i haven't investigated yet in regards to this specific point, i can then take notes and work them out later when i am alone to more specificity and detail to really root it all out, so i won't be triggered any more in the future to have energy movements within me.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into letting myself get influenced by her voice as how i behave, or how i fear that if the voice is not in specific way, or it is not bringing me to a point of arousal--- to immediately STOP,--------------------- take a deep breath or many deep breaths till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I realize that i deliberately choose to let myself get influenced through her voice, because of me wanting to go through the experience of ''feeling good'' within me and getting aroused because of this and then as a polarity to balance the whole pattern i create the fear within myself to fear loosing all these reactions/feelings i experience within me so i can keep the whole pattern alive and kicking in me.

Therefore, I commit myself to work out in self-forgiveness every time i go through any reaction/feeling in relation to what i let myself be triggered through her voice, so i can find it within me to investigate it more deeply and specifically till it is NOT part of the whom i am anymore, so i can EXPRESS myself in a moment with her as myself as my human physical body/form One and Equal HERE.



Self-Reward:


Now that i have identified the specific points/reactions/feelings/memories/thoughts that trigger me to behave in certain/specific way, i can STOP myself in the moments i see myself in them or when i see myself about to let myself get engaged in them, so i become aware of my action and take my Self-Responsibility for my actions and make sure i then move myself to act in the BEST interest of both participants in that moment, and if there are points that are persisting, i can now see them much easier and work them out when i am alone in order for me to correct myself in my daily living application.



Thanks.




Larry Manuela

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