Day 388, Lost at Sea- 2

 This where I have left of the last time I was here on my self forgiveness points: 

" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this entity I created within myself to rule over my decision making, making sure I always end up, choosing what would not be best for myself, nor what would be best for all life, because I have something to hide, something that I secretively hide, something I am too scared to face, as my addiction, that is actually making me the convict of  my conviction." 

                                                        

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can get away with having my addiction as a secret in my own mind consciousness system, just because, apart from the people that are involved within the participation of my addiction, on my side only I know of my addiction, and this makes it worthwhile according to my own judgement to conitue with my addiction in order to satify my virtual sexual desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the virtual sexual experiences to a level of preference above real physical sex itself, to a level where physical sex is almost boring, because in real life physical sex, I cannot jump from one person to another and from one kind of sexual desire to another with totally different people all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself thus far that I find myself into a situation where I find virtual sex more interesting than actual real physical sex.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to  keep on going back when I have deleted my accounts from the web, just to tell myself again, I will do this one more last time and then I am done with this for good, which keeps on propelling me to find myself again in the same point where I would open an account again and again, to so called do it for the last time, instead of actually for real taking a stand when the desires rise up within me, and not accept and allow myself to fall, to participate into the desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself within my own mind that it is very difficult to stop this addiction, so I can use this justification to go against myself in the moments I dare to stand for a few days, when the desires keep on coming up stronger and stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always keep at least one of the ladies I was doing these acts with as friend outside the sexchat websites, so that I can use her as a way to get myself back into the game, as they will function as a way out of my stand against myself,  a way to get back into the game, I can then justify that I was being attracted to start again and it is not me, they are the ones that lock me into the game again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly hold on to a backdoor, created by myself to make sure I do not stop and take a stand against my own self created addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush off "addiction," as something not happening to me, or slighty accept it, however act as if I can do it all by myself and I can handle it and get rid of it, meanwhile I keep on falling back everytime I made a little progress, go by a week without masturbation or talking sex or watching porn online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am stronger than my sex addiction, thus I can do it all by myself, when in fact I deliberately make sure I do not take a real stand within and as myself to actually stop when I get into the mood when I know within myself that if I follow up on it, I would engage and thus loose myself within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the tools suggested by Desteni to support myself when I am finding myself in situations/moments I am aware I am going to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT forgive myself the feelings and emotions and desires that rise within me when I am about to go into procrastination 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly act as if  I am not seeing what I am accepting and allowing myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even like it when I am procrastinating, meaning as if I have won something, like a little bit of a triumph.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a triumph in that which is NOT having an outcome that is best for myself as life and for all as life, because it is what I am used to do, used to accept and allow myself to live and exist as here in this world, in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to see in triumph something that is valuable and a way to win, a way to make sure I have an excuse so I can continue with my procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take procrastination as a way things are, as a way out of not having to change myself, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become procrastination itself, wherein I do not really move in changing myself in specificity and detail, just because I am aware that letting go of procrastinations means I have to change and it means I fear changing myself into a being that do what is best for all life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself, because I am already aware that I am going to be justified by the people close to me and by the world at large.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that I can only change me and through my self-change to what is best for all life, I can then give as I have received and thus be an example for others as that gift as who I am as best for all life as I live it HERE as who I am as what is best for all life.

Self -Commitment statments:

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into defending my virtual sexual addiction by justifying within my mind consciousness system, that I am the only one that knows about it in my direct environtment, thus making sure I have a back door aa a secret I have with myself within my own mind consciousness system, ........I STOP take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as Energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am baout to go into jumping from desire to desire within my mind in relation to my virtual sexual addiction, wherein I have replaced real physical sex with virtual sex and call real physical sex as something boring and give myself an excuse as a justification, convincing myself that just because virutally I can move from one desire to another and move from one person to another in an instant online, makes it as if that is more desirable and better and greater than actual real sex, ........I STOP, take a very deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into falling into, or repeating the same pattern, wherein I wold feel a little guilty inside myself and delete the online profiles I have made and act as if I am doing something good while I already know, I will one day come and create a new one to conitnue with my addiction, prolonging my stoppage even more, ............I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me.

When and as I see myself going into, or I am about to go into use the word " difficult" within my mind consciousness system to make sure I will leave a door open for me to come again at it another day or time, ........I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE within and as my breath, breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me, as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into my old pattern of not participating into sexchats or porn for weeks online and start to see that I am about to let myself be deceived and manipulated by myself within ad as my mind, ................ I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me, as the mind as energy.

When and as I see mysef trying to manipulate other people to get what I want in the end by conving them in some way or anohter, just to get them with me and alone, so I an excert my plan with them,........I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into trying to tell myself that I can stop my addiction all by myself, because I already know that I won't as the patterns emergy within me as me, that I do recognize and thus accept and allow them to take over anyways, I STOP..........Take a deep breath ns bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy as me.

When and as I see myself going into deliberately accept and allow the energy to take over and deliberately not do self forgiveness immediatly, I STOP............, take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy as me.

When and as I see myself going into, or I AM about to go into see a form of winning that will give me a certain specif reward as energy in my mind and as orgasm in real life as a physical relese, I STOP..................., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into procastination, I immediately STOP..........., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into fear of changing myself I STOP......................., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately choosing NOT to change me in order to continue with my addiction, I STOP..................., take a deep breath and bring me HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

Self-reward and Self-realization:

I realize that I am using all the tricks and traps of my own patterns that I can actually see even before I engage into my addiction, however choose to deliberatly not to act on it and use instead all kind of justification, just so I can win in the end as getting my mind desires and physically my release as orgasm. Due to knowing this, I will reward myself next time with a treat as learning something new no matter how small it is, some new way of doing something or just larn a new subject so that I do not have to participate into going into rewarding myself with my addiction.

Thanks,

Larry Manuela

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Day 387, Lost at sea- 1

In this blog I'll continue with the working of myself out.


Here is a few sentences of where I left of:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spent lots of time on the internet chasing my sexual desire, abdicating my responsibility to myself and to all of life as equal as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and deliberately let my guard down so to speak in order to procrastinate more and more, and finding ways to come up with excuses and justification to protect my procrastination.


More will follow into the next blog........

                                                                        

Self-forgivenesses continuation:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be thinking about sex, that it is constantly in the background looking for ways to come up and delude myself into believing that I need to satisfy myself in accordance to what I have made valuable to me, based on my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience exhilaration when I find some lady on the internet that is extremely horny, because in accordance with my judgement of myself, this is also who I see myself as, as equal to, thus finding someone that I think and believe is what I think and believe I am, makes the whole experience and moment seem much more interesting and desirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stop myself in the moment I start to see that I am going to go into this whole situation, however I keep on letting myself fall into my own trap, and then justify to myself  saying to myself: " just one more last time, and then we can get to really working myself out," when in reality I never get to working myself out, because I keep on repeating this " one more time" every time, almost daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to put my process at an halt just in order to be able to satisfy my self-interest in relation to my virtual sex addiction.

I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to put all, if not more of my focus on online young ladies in oder to satify my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having virtual sexual acts with young ladies online give me some sense of still being sexually attractive and appealing  to young ladies.

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to become astute within manipulating young ladies in order to get my self-interested, self-indulgence met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up looking for a opening, a way to get into their minds and see where I can effectively convince them to the participation that will have an outcome that will satisfy my sexual desire. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel that I am too weak to actually do this STOPPING of myself in my participation within my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point of getting my sexual desire met, so extremely effective that I would spent money that I could instead spent, or direct to outcomes that would be best for all LIFE, however rather use it to manipulate the ladies of my choice so I can have an positive outcome according to my addiction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to workout this point of sexual addiction I have become, because I do not trust myself enough, that I can stop myself and change myself through my self-will, to do that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made countless sexual accounts on virtual sexual related websites, where like-minded people come together to share themselves in their addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that one day, all the pictures and vidoes that were hacked by hackers will be used against me to measure my integrity as who I am here if I dare to stand for life, making myself abdicating my Responsibility and make me halt my process in midways.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if others would find out about my addiction I have about sex, especially those that " know" me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear being shamed for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as a sexual addict, constantly looking for orgasmic mind pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a seeker and experiencer of orgasmic mind pleasure, one that would do anything to get that experience, that high.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this entity I created within myself to rule over my decision making, making sure I always end up, choosing what would not be best for myself, nor what would be best for all life, because I have something to hide, something that I secretively hide, something I am too scared to face, as my addiction, that is actually making me the convict of  my conviction.




To be continued..........................



Thanks

Larry Manuela



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Day 387, Lost at sea.

I have been, for a very long time now lost at sea, as I placed it here in my heading. Lost on this vast ocean with no horizon in sight, no land to set foot on. In my little boat, being rocked and carried away by the wind and the ocean currents. May I reach land or may I not? I ask. Is the question intended to just question myself alone or is the question intended to practically move, take a stand, to set foot on land.                                                                     

                                                           
Now, even in my lostness I can still not, NOT see me. I cannot hide me, I cannot put me aside. Me is here for me to see. Lost at sea, metaphorically speaking cannot make me loose sight of me. I am always here seeing what I am doing, what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.

But seeing me and not applying me, correcting me as I drift along will certainly not prepare me, when my little boat crashes on the rocks of the land. Shreaded boat and broken body is all that will be left scattered around.

So, what have I been doing all this time?

Well very busy I would say, compromising myself, however yet also deep inside being aware that I am just fooling myself, slowing myself down.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devorce myself from myself, from my process of walking myself back to HERE, forgiving me and being here in every moment of breath, walking my talk, and taking my self-responsibility to myself and all as myself as life, equal as one as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself and to participate into the virtual reality of sexual distractions in this world, on the internet, separating myself from myself within the truth of myself wherein I see, realize and understand what I am accepting and allowing myself to particpate in and act upon delibertaly for my own self-gratification and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate women on the internet to participate with me in my own seeking of self-gratification and self-interest and use the point of them volenteering to participate with me within it all as a justification so I can continue with my own self-interest and self-gratification I want and desire of them, being perfectly aware that I need their permission to do so, thus manipulating myself to manipulate them into making sure they give me the permission I need from them in order to get what I want and need and desire from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always prepare myself, before I start with visiting the websites I participate in, seeing/realizing and understanding how I am manipulating myself into making this whole sexual virtual reality thing a ritual and thus a pattern, feeling myself getting all excited because of myself knowing that I am soon to embark on these website and meet with " like-minded" people again, to engulf myself into this whole mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish I could meet one of these ladies in real life so I can do all these wonderful lusty things we say to each other on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to focus more on the young ladies, because I have noticed that there is a change that happened within the system in terms of people lusting more and more and the young ones,are more and more, more freely emersing themselves into this on the internet, because just like me, they too see the easiness in having sexual  mind games on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself extremely horny before I even get on these websites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the little bio's and accept and allow good judgement to exist within me in context to what I believe this particular lady would want to say or do on the internet, and if she would want to do that with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a personality or character I believe they would want to speak with or chat with in accordance to their specific desire/ sexual fantasy and that would satsify in turn my own sexual desire purely based on energy, with mixture of desires to want it to also happen in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always chat with these ladies with the desire to meet them in real life in the back of my mind, which is the real desire I have, and that I only use the website to see if I can get one to go that far with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find this chasing after ladies on the internet such a trill, just because I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to maybe/possibly get a chance to get the real deal in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very excited when I get a lady to move from the main sex chat webbsite to go with me on SnapChat, which means I am now in accordance to my mind consciousness system, much closer to my target, which is to be able to get to have a chance in the real physical world, doing all these fantasies for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get even more excited when the lady is from the same country that I am in right now, making myself think and belief that because of that, I might be able to score a chance to meet them much easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spent lots of time on the internet chasing my sexual desire, abdicating my responsibility to myself and to all of life as equal as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and deliberately let my guard down so to speak in order to procrastinate more and more, and finding ways to come up with excuses and justification to protect my procrastination.


More will follow into the next blog........



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Day 386, In the moment Self-forgivenesses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea, a feeling that there is nothing I can significantly do in this world anymore to bring a change in this world, that will have a result that would practically be what would be best for all life, because I have given up within and as myself on myself, without seeing/realizing and understanding that as long as I have not forgiven all and everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I am just mind fucking myself into believing there is nothing I can do anymore to bring any significant change in this world.

.................................................Now before I continue, I just woke up and had a " bad dream."

So I will be working out this " bad dream" because it is HERE.
First of all, if you are new reading this blog, I want you to understand that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in one's dreams is oneself. Other people, buildings, roads, animals, plants, skies.......EVERYTHING is oneself. Why? Because it is one's own Memories. If someone is dreaming for example about their sister or brother or mother, it is not them that you are dreaming about, it is you that you are dreaming about. How you have placed them in your mind, your judgments about them, your memory of for example how they look like to you, etc..etc..... However it is all you and not them as many people believe. Many people have the believe that when they are dreaming about a person, that they are really dreaming about the person in fact, like its as if the person was in their dream and it has nothing to do with themselves, like the person is taking part in their dream, like the person is visiting them in their dreams to tell them something or help them through whatever it is they are dreaming about in their dreams, or that the person is in their dream just being there as a companion,to complete the cast. However it is their memories of the person or how they have placed that person's looks and images they have made of him/her and hold on to it in their minds, is what they are dreaming about, using these images to try and make some sense of a story in their minds that most of the times does not make any sense at all anyways, because one keep on jumping from place to place and from scenery to scenery in one's dreams. The movie is playing out using these images they have accepted and allowed from others, known people and unknown people, things one can remember one did see in ones real physical world and things one does not remember one saw in one's real physical world. Thus dreams are always all about ME! what occupies my mind, what my fears are, my deep seated fears are, what my judgments are about people and things, what kind of believes I still have in the depths of my mind consciousness system. Very important too is that everything is in reverse. Thus one have to have a look at it as in reverse.

I will be placing in written words all of what I can remember about the dream and then start working it out. What is also very important is to really try and remember how I felt when dreaming the dream.


The dream:

I was in the dream, kind of like a detective. I say; ' kind of,' because I am not sure if I was a detective or not, it appears that I was one.
We went into a very old, scary looking house, like the ones one see in horror movies. It was me with two other colleagues. We went into the house, because we were looking for a mother that was abusing her 3 children. We went into the house and got into a room upstairs, where we found the mother about to do some sacrificial ritual to one of the children. All the children clothing color was pink/rosy. So we handcuff the mother and also all the other women that were there and we took the children in our arms and started to leave the house. As we were leaving I got this sense about me and I turned back my head to have a look at what I was sensing and my eyes fell on a door that was next to the room we went into to take the children from, it was a little bit open/at a crack and was larger in width and length, but I could still see inside and that there was complete darkness behind it, and there was like a dark-green blanket placed over the door. However I could sense that there was someone looking at us. So I decided that I was going to trick this person to see if there is any movement. So I did as if I was also going away, leaving the house, but yet calmly and quietly as I could be, return to see if there would be any kind of movement behind that door that would satisfy my gut feeling that there is someone watching us from behind that door. Thus as I peaked from behind the wall, I saw the door was fast closing, but it slowed down as whomever or whatever noticed I watched it closing it, and then I sensed that whatever was behind that door, was not human. Thus I decided that I will just leave. ( Here I felt a little fear, not as much as fear of what is behind the door, but more like fear of being taken by this thing that was behind the door without being able to leave/free myself.)
So when we got outside I looked back and was trying to find some odd windows, that I thought would belong to that room, and just as I thought there were two little windows, kind of like exactly in the middle of the house with white painted bars around them. So I looked directly into these windows and made a gesture with my hand by raising my arms as saying to whomever or whatever is watching, that: " I will be back for you soon, don't think I will just leave you there." And as soon as I was doing this, suddenly a little bit outside of the yard, but yet still very close to it, a tower like structure as from old palaces started to come out of the soil/ground and it had two large eyes on it, and the eyes were looking very angry at me. I started running, because something told me, it was time to run. My two colleagues just watched me, they did not run and just stood there looking at me run away. As I was running ( by the way, in this part of the dream, I am on a familiar farm road, country side, from the island I was born into) and there was like a tongue breaking the soil/ground following me, like roots of trees, but yet a tongue. I could see that I could not outrun this tongue and it was poking me all over, but was actually trying to grab me to give me a good squeeze. In other words, it wanted to squeeze the life out of me......lol
So in this very moment I had an idea, very fast of course, because I did not have much time and could not outrun this tongue, so I must outsmart or at least try and outsmart this tongue. So I decided that I will run into a very heavy/closed group of Cane Cholla cactus  

and go around them and through them in order for the tongue to get these cactus on herself and maybe stop chasing me. As I was standing there, about to go through the Cane Cholla Cactus, my dream abruptly ended. It was the end and I woke up.

So now the working out part.

first I will take all the words or sentences representing something about me to me:

**1) Being a detective or not?
**2) Old scary house, like in the horror movies
**3)  Mother(women in particular) doing ritualistic things to small children.
**4) Children dressed in pink/rosy colors clothing
**5) Sensing being watched
**6)  Darkness behind closed door, opened only at a crack.
**7) Dark-green Blanket over door with darkness behind it
**8)  Fear of being caught and not being able to leave, thus being caught in this darkness.
**9)  Two small white painted bared windows
** 10) Having a gut feeling as if I had to go back to look for whatever is behind that door
** 11) Palace like structure with a tower coming out of the soil/ground, with two large angry looking eyes on it
** 12) Running on familiar ground for my life
**13) Tongue following me, through and beneath the soil/ground, like roots of trees.
**14) Fearing being squeezed to death
**15) Not being able to outrun tongue, maybe outsmart it
**16) Decide to go into Cane Cholla Cactus to outsmart tongue, something that could hurt it, pinch it, so it may leave me alone.


Now up to the working out of the dream.
I will start at looking at each point I have chosen that have some significance about it to myself.

Point number one. **1) Being a detective or not? This not being sure if I was a detective or not in this dream signifies to me, that I am not investigating myself properly, I am not paying attention to details about who and how I am in each moment I am here. Thus being a detective or not, is a choice I have, or more a decision I have to make to investigate, introspect myself better. Give investigative perspectives about myself, about who and what I am in each moment.

Point number two. **2) Old scary house, like in the horror movies. This signifies in my dream a house that looks like it is not being taken care of in proper matter. This is in relation to my own human physical body. My judgment about it. Meaning; ' I am not really treating my body with respect, and that I need to give my own body attention on all levels. The reality is that I fear my body and see it as something scary, something too much to handle, when in reality the way I see my body is just an opinion I have about it, it is not scary at all in. It is my opinion that is of and as something that is scary, thus I have scary opinions.

Point number three. **3) mother( women in particular) doing ritualistic things to small children. Now this part in the dream have to do with some news I watched in real life about children being abused by adults through dangerous ritualistic offerings, to satisfy whatever it is they are believing in. However to myself the dream signifies that the care of like a mother cares about her children is what I need to live within my own life to and towards my own children and all children in this world to make sure that what I have given to the future generation can be used to build a world where life is the number one thing of real value for humans and is basis for all decisions about everything and that care about all life equally becomes the norm.

Point number four. **4)  Children dressed in pink/rosy color clothing. Pink represent feelings of lust with sensual undertone. This tells me about me that when I judge that a woman posses what I think is like an innocence of child I am more prone to experience feelings of lust for that woman, with deep sensual undertone.

Point number five. **5) Sensing being watched.  This originate from a fear within of being watched or believing that one is being watched when one is aware that one is not doing that which is best for all. Life is watching every moment what I am choosing. Am I choosing life that is best for all, or am I choosing that which abuses life.

Point number six. **6)  Darkness behind closed door, opened only at a crack. This Darkness represents life, in this case, my life, that I only see very little of it, as I only see about it in common sense, I am not it yet as one as equal as all as me. Now because there was a dark-green blanket on the door, it means that my personal development and growth to/towards my life needs to be worked on by myself to reach into  that darkness of life within and as myself.

Point number seven. **7) See last sentence above, at point number Six.(6)


Point number Eight. **8)  Fear of being caught in this darkness and not being able to leave. This represent my fear of actually living life as equal as one with and as life itself. I fear living myself as life, and that if I go in there I will lose myself, however this " myself" as of now that I am is just a character in a mind, and not me as equal as one as life here. Thus what do I have to do? Go into that darkness!!

Point number Nine. **9) Two small white painted bared windows. This represents to me that there are some small embarrassments and disgusting things I want to keep hidden, and keep on watching myself, knowing that the answer is in that darkness, the place that is not a place where I am just here and see all that is here as what is best for life or not.

Point number Ten. **10)  Having a gut feeling as if I have to go back to look for whatever is behind that door. This means that I am aware on some levels of myself that there is where I need to be, in the darkness of life, as life, something that I fear, but yet because of everything being in reverse it means I should not fear this darkness, because there is where my answers are, there is where I can be just HERE as life is here as all as one as equal as everything.

Point number eleven. **11)  Palace like structure with a tower coming out of the soil/ground with two large angry looking eyes on it. This again is me trying through my mind to make myself as much as possible to try and fear more and more going into and stand one and equal as this darkness of me as life. These two large eyes, are my mind trying to tell me it has eyes on me and it is angry at me trying to go into the darkness, not wanting me to go in, which of course in reality mean for myself, that I have to ignore the mind and go in.

Point number Twelve. **12) Running on familiar ground for my life. This again signifies that I am trying to run away from that which is should actually run to and not away from. the running on familiar grounds, are representing points I am already familiar with within and as myself that I am using to avoid myself looking within the deeper dark dimensions of myself.

Point number thirteen. **13) Tongue following me through and beneath the soil/ground, like roots of trees. Deep seated words that break through to me, breaking through my foundation and are the words I need to get to the root of my characters/personality, the main one. Thus I should follow it, look for it within my words and deeds to root out this character/personality.

Point number fourteen. **14)  fearing being squeezed to death. This again is my mind with its personality fearing being squeezed to death. Thus this imply that in actuality and or reality I should give to myself that which I fear. I should give life to my body to my beingness, and stop giving life to my mind consciousness system, stop feeding it. This obviously happens when I use the tools of  self-forgiveness and self-honesty rooted in common sense introspection.

Point number fifteen. **15) Not being able to outrun tongue, maybe outsmart it. Here I am having a decision problem, not sure what to do, however in reality it means I should not outrun the words nor trying to go into an ego, wanting to be right within and as myself against myself, but instead embrace myself as I am now to more understand myself and from out of that understanding gained create the best version of myself that does what would be best for all life.

Point number sixteen. ** 16) Decide to go through Cane Cholla Cactus to outsmart tongue by trying to hurt it, to pinch it, so it may leave me alone. So here again I am trying to do everything in my power to avoid the words of the tongue that I need to hear from myself to workout the points within myself that are necessary for me to be HERE.


Will do actual working out of these point through self-forgiveness in the next blog.



Thanks.........


Larry Manuela

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Day 385, The Good Guy Thingy, PART 2

within this post I will be doing my self forgiveness statements in regards to and in relation to the previous blog. For context read the previous blog here.


                                                                                     

Self-forgiveness statements:             

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to represent myself as a good guy within and as my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being a good guy has something to do do with real goodness in the physical reality, which is that which is best for all of life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/abuse the good guy personality to get away with the fear that exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that by being a good guy character within and as the mind I am allowing fear as fear to exist within and as me and into the outside world as well, wherein I am abdicating my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being not liked by other people, thus in fearing this, I give the good guy personality existence within me in order for me to NOT go into/through the consequences of having to deal with/confront/face that which is uncomfortable because it goes right in to/through my self-created self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to go through lots trouble if I was to be self-honest all the time, because I am aware that, in a world of dishonesty I will hated, will be feared, will be bullied, thus to avoid all of this occurring to me I choose to not stand as the principle of what is best for all life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people wanting to get back at me, because of me being against their self-interest, which is not what is best for life, thus knowing that I will be attacked makes me choose my own self-interest using survival as a tactic to make sure I do not choose what is best for all life in every moment, but give in/give up disrespecting myself and thus all life to avoid going through/facing my self-created fear, fearing my won fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the fear of being persecuted because of me having to stand up for life, making me back down a little, taking it slow, just to give myself more time, when in reality I am aware that the time I have / i got is the moments of breath I have in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I would be HERE in real time as the breath of life that I have been given, being equal and one with all that is here as this physical reality as this human physical body that I am here now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that to stand within and as the principles of life, automatically place me into a position/situation wherein I can be abused, I can hated upon, I can be bullied upon, which are all true, however, having to create fear in regards to these consequences is not what would be best for me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/nor understand that to accept fear within and as myself is equal and one as accepting fear within and as others as myself as other people in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see being a good guy as something of weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see being a good guy as something as weakness, because I am aware that this good guy personality allows others to walk over them a little or completely, which is a form of weakness, but is in actuality connected to the fear of being physically abused, physically mutilated, physically hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the personality of  being a good guy to fall into the category of something that is positive, something that is good.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that, that which I allow myself to be as this personality/character in the mind, as a good guy, is an invention/creation of myself to make sure I do not challenge reality as I really see it as it exists here within and as this physical reality/physical realm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing reality as it is, because of certain circumstances/situations that can have an outcome that would not be best for me, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding, how I can come up with a way, a manner within which I can come up with a solution that will not have to put me immediately in a situation where I can  be physically hurt or abused.




Thanks,


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

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DAY 384, The Good Guy Thingy.

Throughout my adult life, I have been seen/called/treated as a " good guy."



                                                                                 

I fully developed this characteristic in my late teenage years, when I became aware that I can manipulate others to either get my way, or to avoid certain/specific outcomes that would not result into what would be best for me.
However deep inside it's actually to avoid some deep rooted fear. Fear to confront people, because there are lots of times that I do see people that abuse others and myself but I do not confront them or at least say something about it, I like navigate around them to find a spot, a moment where I can gain their trust (which is manipulation) to somehow then make it clear to them that they are abusive, because I in that instant will know that they won't abuse me, or take it the " wrong way," because now they are trusting me, they have found out that I am the "good guy."

However there are also lots of moments when this trust in me will be abused, because now they can see that I am the " good guy," thus they are going to think that it means that " good guys" are fools, weak. In certain aspects, it is true, when it comes to, or is related to weakness. Why? because lots of times I will let people so to speak walk over me a little, again to just avoid to have to go through trouble if I would confront them and say stop, or that it is enough, and having people hating me=(fear), or not liking me=(fear), or being vigilant about me in order to get back at me=(fear), which I see happen to people who are straight to the point a lot, either them being right or wrong in their exertion of their straightness.

So as I can see here, in my own words, it has lots to do with Self-responsibility.
Thus, this " good guy" characteristic that I am portraying in this world does not lead to a world that is best for all, because I am NOT standing my ground, being an example to show no matter what, that only what is best for all life is what I live, getting away from opposites and polarities, leaving balance between these two also behind, because mind you, people do say a lot that one needs to find a balance between these opposites and polarities, which is in actuality a fable of course because the " balance" will make way for their existence to continue, and only take a stand and stance and live by life-principles of oneness and equality, that which is best for all life. Because I DO SEE, when I am being manipulated by others, when I am manipulating others, when I am being abused by others, and when I am abusing others. Thus how can I be living life-principles when I am allowing ABUSE to exist within me and within others as me? How can I be living life-principles when I allow MANIPULATION to exist within me and others as me? Thus ALLOWANCE of abuse/manipulation/deceit/lies/half trues/opposites/polarities/balance of opposites and polarities within and without me is NOT what would be best for all life. Thus I have to change ME!!!


In the next blog the self forgivenesses will follow.

Thanks,


Larry Manuela

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Day 383, day 4 of SF on aloneness

Within this blog,  I am going to do self forgiveness on what I wrote about in the previous blog.





                                                                               

                                                                                

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be sexually very energetically busy and that I keep on finding ways to keep on, with the keeping on of engaging in energetic mind sex, with this, accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in relation to how I have define sex for myself within myself and through what I have done in conjunction with how I have defined sex for myself and outwardly live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept from myself that it is totally o.k. to have sex with anyone that is a woman or looks a lot like a woman, because using them is where I will feed my sexual energy, always looking and paying attention to what they say in order to find a point of weakness where I can commence and eventually get into the sexual talk and see where they are within it and from there build on that little point, till they break/accept the invitation, which is actually a manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very manipulative when it comes to sex with women and try and justify it, just because the women give me their permission to do so, however even though I am aware that without their permission there will be no sex talk or anything sexual, I am also aware that I manipulate them in order to get their permission, I have become a permission seeker freak, to use it to work for me, in order to satisfy my energetic mind sexual energy.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that in trying to manipulate others to have sex with me in any form or any other way or shape,  to satisfy my mind sexual energy, is actually me giving in into the programming I have created within and as myself as mind sexual energy seeker, depending on another for my mind sexual need of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this mind sex energy that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do  whatever it takes to make sure I am always vigilant in bringing about ways to get into this mind sex energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly groom this energy within me, creating within me experiences of feeling alone, just to make sure I go and do something about it outwardly that will have me satisfying this mind sex energy I have created myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do whatever it takes to make sure that my self-created mind sex energy is always, when it comes to relationships with women I find attractive,  to be the first thing to be triggered within me in order to give value to what I am seeing outwardly that coincide with what I have accepted and allowed within myself as what I need in order to experience this mind sex energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this mind sex energy as all that I am now,  without seeing, realizing, and understanding how and why I created myself within and as this mind sex energy in order to stop and change what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this mind sex energy as something bad, wrong and negative however yet not making a clear decision about what I see and judge myself as bad,wrong and negative in order to find out about how I created it to stop myself, to first release myself from it and to then redefine for myself how I should be living in a way that does not bring harm to myself or abuse to myself, nor to others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the harm and abuse that I am standing within and as- as separation within and as myself as an example in this world through projecting this separation I am within outwardly, to and towards people and things, so that the separation within me continues to exist as what I have accepted and allowed as me - as if it is not coming from me or lives within me, when even though I am aware that only I experience my inner experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify certain harms and abuse as less worse than others, forgetting at all that abuse is abuse, and always have an outcome as consequence that is equal to what it is and represent through and via me and all humans in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself a lot when it comes to mind sex energy, giving in into it and giving up on my process of being and becoming equal and one within and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the giving in, into mind sex energy, because I am aware of the addiction I have created within and as myself to and towards this mind sex energy I indulge within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify for myself that there is nothing " wrong" with this indulging within and as this mind sex energy, meanwhile being aware that it is not what is best for me nor what is best for all of LIFE.


To be continued.......................


Thanks,


Larry Manuela

Join us at: Desteni

Have a look at Equalmoney the solution to all the problems in this world.

Support our research and buy one or more products that will assist and support you greatly in understanding what is actually going on in life, through;  EQAFE

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Study this  proposal which is:  LIG