Day 281, Memories that triggers the need/want/desire for sex in the relasionship : Part-6

                                                                     

In my last blog I finished of with the following:



Self-Reward:

Within this thread I have come to see/realize and understand about myself that I am using certain specific backchats as starting point to generate energy and to get me excited within and as my mind to eventually look for actual sex through either having sex with a woman or by masturbating, because through this, I as my mind consciouness system can aquire more energy through having an orgasm, for my existence as this mind consciousness system. Thus now that I have become more aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it, I can stop and change myself in the moment and do not participate in such backchats at all and eventually in the end where I won't participate in any backchat, because these are all illusions and delusional, and are not what is BEST for me nor for all of LIFE.



Now I'm moving to the next dimension which will be, the Reaction-dimension.


Reaction-Dimension:

*** There is this anxiety that maybe my kiss will not fall into her liking.

***  An reaction as/of anxiety of being caught starring at her legs.

***  An reaction as/of anxiety about my voice maybe not being found as sweet as I believe and think.


Self-Forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this anxiety within me existing, of maybe my kiss will not fall into her liking, within which I judge myself and also rely on another for what and how I want to express myself within and as a moment, separating myself completely from reality and sabotage myself to in the end up doubting myself if I should kiss her or not.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into the anxiety within me of maybe my kiss not falling in her liking, wherein I judge myself and also rely on this judgement of another for what and how I want to express myself in a moment, separating myself completely from reality and sabotage myself into doubt about kissing her or not kissing her, I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

Thus within this, I commit myself to through my writing of self-florgiveness and also through my out loud speaking of self-forgiveness to eradicate this fear I have created within myself that obstruct myself in a moment of self-expression, making doubt myself and if this does not stop and it continues, I then go into investigating more thoroughly what it is I have missed within my self-forgivnesses that still give rise to the fear and that it still exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self-expression and choose my fear that exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into judging my self-expression and choose instead the fear that exist within me as me as the mind as energy, I STOP---------------- I breathe, and I ground myself within and as my human physical body/form and focus on my breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am choosing fear above/over self-expression, because I have made myself to do so all the time, I have brainwashed myself to always choose fear above/over self-expression and don't even know how to self-express, because I never lived it before. All I did before was reacting through the mind in certain/specific moments, events and circumstances to the consequences I myself created within/without myself together within the world outside where I participate in the collective consequence creations with the rest of what is here as human beings.

Therefore, I commit myself to little by little, step by step to teach myself to express myself as ME as the living body as this human physical body/form that I am in fact, as all of what it consists of and exists as, till I am one and equal with it in fact. And do this through self-introspection and self-investigation and forgiving myself for not living as my human physical body/form but instead live as personalities within my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety of  being caught starring at her legs, which implicates to myself that I am having this anxiety, because of what I myself have accepted and allowed to be morally unacceptable and within this, secretly trying to watch anyways, and trying also at the same time not to get caught doing so, because the woman in fact may not approve of this.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reaction of anxiety because I am aware of my own dishonesty within and as my mind to/towards her/woman, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am going into anxiety because I am aware of my own dishonesty within myself to/towards her/woman.

Therefore, I commit myself to work out this anxiety reaction within and as myself to/towards her/woman in relation to my own dishonesty, through my writing of Self-forgiveness and my commitment to life so I can not only stop participation within this reaction, but also delete it from within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety because of myself thinking and believing that my voice will not be found sweet by another, within this jugding my own voice to be sweet and that a sweet voice should be something acceptable.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reaction of anxiety because of what I think/believe my voice will found as by another, wherein I judge my own voice to be sweet  and that a sweet voice should be something acceptable, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am thinking/believing that my voice will not be found sweet by another and within this belief, I judge my own voice based on this self-created belief and then give what I perceive and interpret would be an " acceptable voice," more value then my actual/real voice itself.

Thus within this, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life, to workout this reaction of anxiety to/towards my own voice as what I perceive/interpret another might find of it and make sure I focus on my breathing while communicating with others and when having that reaction coming up within me to immediately remind myself to stop the conversation and excuse myself for a moment and just do something in that moment that is a physical application that can be as simple as holding my two hands together or take a short walk away from the person and come back when I have stabilized myself within and as myself within and as my breathing, and my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be programmed to think/belief what a sweet voice should be or not be and use this self-manipulation to go against my own real physical voice that my physical body/form produces to put my perception/interpretation of what it should sound like and/or be like first and of more importance and value.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into my self-programming of what I think/belief a sweet voice should be or not be like and use this self-manipulation to go against my own real physical voice and find the self-manipulation voice having more importance and value, I STOP--------------I breathe, and focus on m,y breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I Realize that I am using what I think/belief a sweet voice should be like, against my own real physical voice and give this belief more importance and value then my real voice itself.

Therefore, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life to little by little to put more trust and importance within and as my own voice and stand within and as my own voice when I communicate/speak with another and make sure I stick to my breathing and focus on it so I do not loose myself within and as my mind with its judgement of my voice while in communication.




Self-Reward:



Within this Thread I have seen/realized and understood within and as myself that I am creating believes about my voice as how another will perceive and interpret it and based on this belief that in its own turn is also my own perception and interpretation put me in a position where I judge myself, sabotage myself and give the belief more importance and value from which I go through an reaction of anxiety to/towards myself in realtion to what I think/belief others may find about myself, and also within this when it comes to starring at women's legs I have placed a judgement within and as myself to be dishonest and unacceptable because I have set my own moral code and I then break it, thus react in anxiety for deliberately breaking my own moral-code of conduct. Thus now within all this I have given myself the opportunity to clean up this mess within and as myself till I will be free of these reactions to/towards myself and to/towards others as myself.



Thanks.


Larry Manuela


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Day 160, When Happiness Turns Into Sadness Part 2

So here i am going to walk the dimensions of fear in self-honesty so i can resolve the issues within myself and you the reader can see how you can resolve yours to.

                                             

This is what i wrote yesterday:    http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2012/11/day-159-when-happiness-turn-into-sadness.html


So what are my fears within all this story, let's have a look..??


Fear dimension:



* Fear or loss

* fear of not being able to communicate with my son

* fear of what he might become if i am not an influence in his life

* fear of him turning his emotional turmoils into destructive behavior to/towards himself and others as himself


* fear of my son being brainwashed into any culture in this world, for they are all serving one purpose and one purpose only, and that is to separate one from another.

* fear of my son loosing himself in his mind, and never be able to birth himself as life as the physical, because he is far away from me and i cannot have any influence in his life for him to see that the way we live with each other is unacceptable and that he is the one, like everyone else that HAVE to change in order for all of us to change the world. We are the participants in this world that make the world the way it is, so as participants in inequality now, we must change our living with each other into EQUALITY, where LIFE is honored and NOT the opinions we have about life.





Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing  my son to exist within me as me, because i know within myself that when he is far away, it will be more difficult for me to see him and hear from him, and this add to the consequences as when something happens to him mentally or physically i will not be able to assist and support him using common sense reasoning for him to realize what the heck is going on and why it is he is feeling the way he feels, because no-one else with him will be able to do this, because they just don't know, don't understand these things, they are as lost as he is. Lostness can only teach lostness.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the fear of not being able to communicate with him to exist within me as me, for i know my son listen to me, because he is very attached to me, as i can already see, that even in the little moments i spent with him and i say things to him that make sense, he never forgets and always wants to proof to me through doing his best at whatever that he have me in his mind, something i don't really approve of, because within this he is learning to depend on his feelings instead of learning to walk within and as his human physical body and be one and equal with and as his human physical body and his breath.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what could become of him when i am really far far away from him, because i know he is an emotional kid, something that is NOT the way one should be living by in this world, and measure ones reality according to it, for it is NOT what is physical and HERE as LIFE. I realize that this what i write here is very difficult for others to understand, because others see and believe themselves to be these feelings/emotions/thoughts, because this is all they ever were and experienced themselves as, and have used to walk the earth as: ''the whom I am.''  So within this i forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to have patients with others as myself as i am aware that they do NOT understand what i understand as of right now.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son will turn his emotional turmoil into destructive behavior to/towards himself or others as himself for he will not know how to deal with these. Within this i realize i see three secnarios that can play out in his life because of being an emotional kid............ 1) He can by being emotional about things start to question things in life, because of this, because this is what happened to me to, when i was a kid, i was also emotional as he is now..............  2) He can by being emotional about things start to fight the emotions themselves within himself and also become someone who is always looking for troubles and.......3) even can become a bully or someone that becomes a person that everyone just walk on.   So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my son using what is within my memories as what are happening and did happen in this world to myself and others as myself as an example for what could become of my son, without seeing/realizing/understanding that all of that is NOT what is HERE now within and as the physical as the body of my son that is HERE within and as this physical reality and that this is just my own mind projection i impose on him and this whole physical reality.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my son will be brainwashed to accept any culture in this world as being part of the whom he is, because i am aware that to have a sense of belonging to any culture in this world means that one accept and allow separation to exist within oneself and within the world at large, and as long as there is separation there cannot be ONENESS AND EQUALITY, that which is BEST for ALL life.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my son will not be able to birth himself as the physical, because i will not be having as much as a communication with him in order for him to HEAR common sense reasoning, and he will be lost in his mind with all the people around him that are just like him personalities in a mind, that are using logic and opinions, which points are NOT to be trusted as measurements for life. Within this i forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that whatever happens within my son as energy that it will be his own doing and he will have to take his self-responsibility for that, and that i can only assist and support him in that by helping him develop his common sense reasoning so he can for himself what is REAL and what is NOT and choose than what is REAL,which is that which is this physical reality and NOT his mental garbage that is the thoughts/feelings/emotions/opinions/judgements/internal conversations/energetic reactions/back-chats/imaginations/projections/needs/wants/desires/believes.


So within this i forgive myself that i haven't seen/realized/understood that i am being selfish in regard to my son, by having future projections about him within myself as wanting/wishing for him to birth himself as the physical right HERE as his human physical body, for i am aware that this is NOT my decision and is and will be only his, and his alone and from no-one else for each stand alone in this, they are either going to choose life or abdicate life for an illusion as the mind.


Tomorrow i will continue with self-commitment statements in relation to these self-forgiveness statements...............



Thanks.


Larry Manuela




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Day, 111 Everything Is Mandatory.

My ex. is telling me that the children have a school camp thing to go to, and it is mandatory and besides that, paying for them to go is also mandatory and the date you have to pay is also mandatory. So the school is deciding for me when i need to pay them and if one cannot afford this they will call the: '' attendance officer'' which usually means in this country looking for ways to take your children away from you, because you can't take care of them. Some people belief that in this country they have some ''good rules'' but when you take a closer look to the fucking rules, they are NOT ''good'' at all. I mean by the very starting point already that there needs to be a rule to punish parents when they don't have money to take care of their children is beyond insanity.  They have some social services that are to be considered ''good'' but it is a false ''goodness'' because that to is in reality an acceptance of the system as it is. By the very fact that there is this kind of NEED in a so-called: '' rich country,'' like this one i am living in right now which is Holland, it means that the system has failed. Because in a so-called: '' rich country'' ( there cannot be people living in situations where they can't take care of themselves, and that they need to be rescued by a social service fee, and it is not really a rescue but more like a way to make your life a living hell so you can go back to work( being a wage-slave) as soon as possible, it's a passive forceful way to put you back to work ), it doesn't make any sense. Now for those whom don't know how the system works,and have been brainwashed throughout their lives to accept this system no matter what, to them the system is fine, and especially when things are still working for them in the system, they will say: '' these are things you just can't stop within the system, but the system itself is perfectly fine, there is nothing wrong with the system.''  Now this is the level of understanding that amounts to insanity and ignorance of major proportion, to not say: '' STUPIDITY ''

 

 

 

How can i look in my children's eyes and tell them: '' you look at this world, this is what i together with all the parents in this world have been preparing for you, and your future is going to be worse then this, but when you get there your problem, you fix it yourself because i can't do that for you now, right here.''   Do i love my children if i am ALLOWING  this SHIT in this world...??  So who are we then if we are NOT even willing to take this ONE decision to STAND for REAL for LIFE and STOP all atrocities in this world, because we owe it to our children, and their children and their children's children. The way things are going, if we continue like this my children maybe won't even be capable of making any children for crying out loud with all the poison that is here in this world created by us humans, and to be more precisely the psychopaths that are walking this world as PARENTS...!!!  It is we the parents that are the teachers, we the parents that are the law-makers, we the parents are the politicians, we the parents are the drug addicts, we the parents are the ones going to war and creating war-machines, it is we the parents that are creating all kinds of technology that are deliberately  to break in certain specific amount of time after usage...etc etc etc........No child created this fucked system HERE, it is ALL done by PARENTS, like you and me..!!  So parents wake the fuck up and STOP doing what you are doing, because you will produce children that will be worse then you are today, as the evident is now more then obvious in this world through the young people..!!! And understand this is NOT an opinion or a belief or a justification or a blame or whatever, it is a factual exposure of what we as parents have done as parents, and are still doing..!!

 

Self-forgiveness: 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a system exist that dictates what i should and should not do and all of it based on the way of the system and the way of the system is NOT a way that is BEST for all LIFE.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let laws/rules/regulations to be mandatory within this world, without me and everyone else ever having anything to say about them, we were not involved in the decision making and the agreement about those laws/rules/regulations to be implemented on ourselves. So herein i realize we accepted and allowed laws/rules/regulations that enforces us to be slaves,and we are so used to it, that we agree with it fully now,we just accept with our whole hearts our own enslavement through laws/rules/regulations made by the ones whom consider themselves smart and intelligent. In reality they are only smart in destruction to make themselves belief they are in control,when in truth control can never happen in separation, REAL control only exists in ONENESS and EQUALITY.

 

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that in the very word mandatory is implied that it is coming from the outside being superimposed upon me through my acceptance and allowance of it, so i go living under the dictatorship of what is mandated upon me, without me having any saying at all in it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when i found out that i am being put under pressure to abide by the laws/rules/regulations of the system that are mandatory without me having any saying at all in what is to be mandated by others and wherein i MUST obey literally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get angry a little bit with my ex. by always coming with this stuff to me, and like in her own way also trying to do the same thing that the system does to everyone, like put a mandate on me to comply with what is being mandatory by/through the government, just because she is afraid that they might come and take the children away.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still react every time my ex. call me or message me, because most of the times if it is not all of the times, it will be about MONEY and her worries with and about money and asking me for money, that i don't have, and then act all frustrated and stressed when i say that i don't have it with me and give me the fault of her going through all this bullshit which makes me angry at times.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even connect the word ''anger'' with the word ''mandatory.'' and within this i see that i give the word ''mandatory'' an weight of negativity. Thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to give the words ''mandatory'' a n weight of negativity, for i experience it as a negative thing, because it forces me to do something that is enslaving and confining me and not freeing me, and i see that everything that is not freeing me as negative. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see everything that does not free me as negative, instead of looking at it just as what it is, as something that just doesn't free me and that is it.

I commit myself to show that mandatory laws/rules/regulations where one have not participating in making the decision for them exist and hence when they are implemented enslave one, are all created for the purpose of control or seeming control.

I commit myself to make sure that every time i am about to engage in anger to STOP take a  deep breath and make sure i ground myself here, stabilize myself here and touch something that is physical in order to remind me that i am HERE.

I commit myself to show that mandatory laws/rules/regulations done without my consent and to be implemented on myself and everyone else that is not the decision makers are all crimes against LIFE,because decisions that are matters of life and death are being made without me having a saying within it,when it is about my own living, and especially when they are not what is BEST for all LIFE.

I commit myself to show that the laws/rules/regulations in this world in all institutions and establishments and corporations and companies are all laws/rules/regulations to protect these alone and the ones whom own them, but not the people that are being slave for them to keep these entities alive.

I commit myself to show that schools are just another way to make people comply to this system of abuse, and where they start to force one using the children as bates to drill their mandatory bullshit laws/rules/regulations in order to keep the control tight.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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