Day 190, But It's Fun..

Now this is the sentence i have been hearing these last few days out of the mouth of my daughter. 
But i have noticed that it is not only my daughter but that it is all people whom are part of the consumerist system whom don't give a fuck about life.

                                                                              

I was explaining to my daughter and showing her some horrific videos on youtube where one can see the children suffering from starvation, and i can see that she is just not interested, she wants to do something that is ''fun.''  Thus what is fun in her mind, from her perspective is doing the positive things in life as they are being portrayed in this world. She actually don't give a fuck about the lives of these people at all, only about what fun things she can do, so she can have a good time, to be happy. 


Now these kind of behaviours really work on my nerves to tell you the truth, and it is the same attitude most people have in this world. They look at these videos and have absolutely no remorse nor care at all. They may say some bullshit like:'' ooohhh so saaaddd.'' By saying this is like acting as if they give a fuck, but the real giving a fuck is when one change ones whole way of living to that which is BEST for all LIFE, which is a process to be walked. It is not something that magically happens in one moment, and this is the major reason no-one wants to even hear about walking their processes.


I was showing my daughter, profiles of people whom are ''friends'' on facebook, and i tell her, there are individuals that when they talk to me on facebook they are talking and acting as if they really give a fuck, but then i showed her their profiles and what do you see...??? You see what is really important to them, wether they will pay attention to games on facebook, or pictures of themselves trying to look sexy, or pictures of families alone, or if they are a politician you will see mostly things related to politics, if they are deeply religious they will place religious pictures and statements, or videos of pop artists, or if they are into some business, they will have like comercials about their products. Very very few are really exposing the real atrocities that are really happening in this world, as a matter of fact, most don't even know, and they won't care either, because they just don't want to know at all.  Now i am not saying this because i am in a group where this is what we do all the time, and that we ''think/belief'' that we ''know'' everything and have got all the answers. We do know and some are very AWARE about a lot and we do have THE answer as a matter of fact to all the problems in this world. But this is more to just make the reader here see that as it looks like now, we are really doomed as humanity, because humanity don't give a fuck at all...!! And humanity don't want to HEAR our message, because our message will spoil their F***** fun..!!


I am so tired of people being so damn careless and without any compassion at all for LIFE in general in anyways whatsoever. All people are just like my daughter trying to have fun in the face of those that suffer, and look at it as something one should avoid at all cost looking at, because it is NOT fun and it is BORING.


So as i was told by Bernard once, that i am going to have to wait till my children grow up and their lives are fucked for them then to come to me and hear me, right now they just can't hear me no matter what. This is a sad process, because they just can't hear me. Yesterday i did notice something small about my little boy of 7 years old, but this is because he is an emotional boy. I was looking at a video on Facebook that someone placed about cats and dogs being killed just because they are too many and people can't take care of them and they put them to sleep. As my son was watching this with me, and i just watched and he was asking me question as; 'what are they doing to them' and i said to him; 'they are killing them, by injecting poison in their bodies.'  And he responded emotionally by saying:'' someone should do the same to these people, so they can just maybe stop.''   And i told him, but this won't help anyways, because there are much more external factors to take care of before these animals reach such places.

So whom are we then, when the suffering and starvation and all the rest of the atrocities in this world are not of any importance at all in our day to day living..?? Is this not being Evil..??  Do we think/belief that by thinking about them is actually going to STOP the lives these people live like magic...??  Time to consider what we accept and allow in this world, this reality, because one thing is certain: '' what happens to one, happens to ALL, dead or alive.''










Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my daughter and son are both right now not albe to really understand to what extent abuse and suffering is being done into this world by all of us humans through our participation in this world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within myself get angry at my daughter , because of me perceiving and interpreting her as being careless and without any compassion at all for poor suffering people in this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my nevers get the best of me in regards with my daughter not showing any remorse nor care for people that suffer and die from starvation in other countries.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge people on facebook whom are friends there to be NOT individuals whom really care about life, but are individuals whom care about themselves alone.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see people whom don't see/realize/understand what is really going on in reality as less then me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry inside myself at my daughter when she act as if she cares by saying: '' ooohhh so saadd..''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to see my son as an emotional person and assist and support him in just being here as standing as myself here in breath as one as equal.



I commit myself to find other ways to express in words when i am looking at how we live with each other and everything else here on this planet.


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into judging to jst STOP and breathe till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind and from this cleerness and stability speak or express.


I commit myself to make sure that i keep on focusing on my breathing so i do not create emotions and feelings within me that are unnecessary.




Thanks.



Larry Manuela



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Day, 189 My Life As A Prisoner.

Now, i am going to write about something that a few people knew about me, that i did in the past, but i still have some points in regards to this that i need to delete within myself, so here it goes.

There was a time in my life that i was a drug-dealer/smuggler, not a big time drug-dealer/smuggler, just  a small one in this world of ''crimes.''  I put crimes in quotes because when i was in it, i didn't feel like i was doing any crime, i was just surviving and making the money,to the things that normally i will not be able to do if i would just work.

                                                                    


I had a few friends that i met here in this country during my study years. There was a moment in my life, when i stopped studying deliberately, i was still needed to pay my study debts, and due to my debts i started to walk with these friends. These friends were already in this stuff when i met them, but little by little when i was looking at the whole thing, i started realizing that maybe i should try it to. I had a job and everything, but the money was not enough for my lifestyle at the time and also with debts, so i decided to join the group in doing this whole thing.

The thing about our group is that we were not street dealers, we just went and took the stuff and bring it here and deliver it and get our money and that is about it.

So it all started as a way to pay my debts more easily and also to have some extra money to have some fun. So and when i say fun, i am talking about going out every weekend, eating delicious food out all the time,and lots of sex of course in many ways, either paying the prostitutes or getting the woman that are going to disco's just to get man that have money so they can have their funs.

The way we were doing it was in different forms, but we took the ''safe'' one, the one that being captured at the time was a little bit difficult. We were taking it in our bodies by swallowing them into our stomach and from there they move into our intestines. And we were drinking special pills so we don't need to go to the toilet, so we can hold it all inside of us till we reach our destination and we get to pooping it out so to speak, then we use special drinks and pills that are against constipation and we eat heavy food so we can push it all down and eventually out.

Now people who don't know about this think/belief that these big pills of  5 - 10 grams are going to all be in your stomach, but they don't stay in your stomach they stay in your intestines. There were people whom died from these things when these pills broke in their bodies. By the way, this is the reason the police found out that people were doing these kind of things, drug smuggling.

So i start doing this in the year 1999 up to the year 2003. In these 4 years i have seen and have met people and get to know people on another level so to speak. I have seen and met people that really don't give a red ass about ending the lives of others for their survival, and people whom were poor and were doing this stuff because that is the only way they could come to an amount of money where they could take care of their families comfortably.

So i did a lot of partying and have had lots of money in my pocket doing this bullshit, and i felt like i was free to do anything.
Now when i was swallowing this thing, it was a point of no return, because when they are in, they are in, and the possibility still exists that they can break in your stomach or in your intestines.  ooh yes, before i continue let me give the reason that those whom died, the stuff broke in their bodies and they died, it was because they wanted to save more money for themselves and did not want to pay the ones that were making these pills as what they do as their jobs. So they will make these pills themselves and make them not good or forget some wrappings and eventually the thing will break in their bodies.  And the other reason they were dying is also that some guys were using these people as decoys, so when they get sick and everyone will pay attention to them getting sick and die, the ones with more stuff will walk by. This didn't happen that much, but it did.

                                                                   

                                                                       

Let me put here the dangers in doing this:

**   one can get caught and go to jail.

**   one can die if the stuff break in ones body.

**   one can die by being used by those whom have other plans.

**   one can die by other people knowing about what you are doing and literally kidnap you and get the shit out of you by cutting you open and leave you there to die.

**   one can die after one have arrived at the destination, being hit as they call it.


**   one can be killed and be robbed when one have received ones money.

**  one can be robbed/being hit just because one is part of this world.  


                                                           

                                                                         


The kidnappings started when there were too much of the stuff(cocaine) on the streets and also when the police started to capture many of these individuals, so they started to target the others that they knew were in the game to. All this thing that people hear about, it is a world of secrets is not really true, it looks like that to the ones that are not IN it, but if one is in it, everyone or most people in the game knows it, because you have got to get the shit somewhere and where you get the shit others are getting it to and you get to see each other, and besides that you get to recognize these people their styles of dressing and everything even when they may not look like what they show you in movies...lol  We looked like normal individuals, some do look like the ones you see in movies, but most of them don't.

                                                                                     
So i lied to all of my family and some other friends i had that were not in the game of course and from that side, no-one knew what i was doing. I started by doing it in combination with work, but then i even stopped working and did that alone. Now there is a reason i decided that i didn't want to become a big dealer, because i saw the kind of life my friends that were big dealers had and i didn't want that kind of dangerous life, constantly watching your back and constantly having to drive far whenever they need some stuff or want to make some deals. So i decided i didn't want that kind of life, so i stayed with just the swallowing and didn't put my money together to start getting people to go for me instead of myself doing it for myself or others.


Now i move to the END of my career as a drug smuggler, so when the point came that my friends asked me why it is i didn't want to join them into starting on my own and stuff like that, and i tought about it and decided to do this last one smuggling for them and then from the money i will get i will then start on my own. We were even going to a clairvoyance person to see if we will be getting home o.k......loll  
That day, when i got caught, i had this feeling within me that something was just not right, it didn't feel right, and this time was the first time i was going to take more then 1 Kg. with me, i was carrying 4 Kg. with me in my baggage, in the bottom of it, all fixed up. I passed the first stage, which was to leave the country where i was smuggling the stuff from  into this country. When i got here, they pass my baggage into the scanner they had, and the moment the young officer saw something, but he didn't know for sure what it was, he called an older officer with more experience and he said: '' yes that is it, we got this one..!! ''   These words were the words i will never forget, because i knew in that moment it was done, my time to go to jail have arrived. Now me being me, didn't go into fear and stuff like that, i took it very tranquil, i was always perpared for these things within myself, because i know they can happen, so immediately let it go. There were other guys they got on that day to, and when they were transporting us to take us to another allocation in order to hear our stories, they put all the other guys in arm cuffs, but they didn't do this to me. And when we were standing there and the other guys looked at me and they asked why are you not in cuffs, and i just looked at them with a very straight face, because i am not like you guys making a lot of comotion and all the bullshit when there is no way out anyways. They only put me in cuffs when i got into the car, because they told me it is their procedure, i just said o.k.

So when i got to the other allocation i told them my story  and then they put me into a small jail and there i was looking at the ceiling and thinking to myself: '' this is it, now i am going to see what it means to be in jail.''

I saw guys fighting for many reasons there when we were having our breaks, they faught for things like, revenge in some form or another, or they faught for no reason just because they didn't like each other, or because of wanting to bully each other. Now here is the funny thing, that throughout my whole dealing career and having to deal with lots of REALLY crazy people, i mean really dangerous people, somehow they all respected me in a way, i never got this, i wanted to ask them, but i never got it. No matter how dangerous the people were with me they felt like they could talk to me, and maybe it is because of my knowledge of things in this world, because even at that time i was already busy with for example the book of the course in miracles and stuff like that....but were doing ''bad'' things on the side.....lolll   Now understand i am a quiet guy, and quiet guys like me, in jail they will fuck with you, but with me they didn't. There were also many other reasons, i also was the one that they came to when they needed to understand their justice papers,because many of them did not understand those big words they use in Dutch and also there were others whom were from other countries, and due to me speaking and reading and writing 4 languages it came in handy in jail. So actually  my time in jail was even fun, i got to study these people.

Then they transfer me to another allocation from the first one, and in this second one i stayed longer, in the first one it was just for the transition period of mostly 1 month and then one moves to another allocation that depends then where your final destination will be, to sit your whole sentence. I saw in this second allocation that people when they got into jail Cigarettes become like a life saver thing...lol  people were fighting enjuring each other for these things, can one imagine that..??  lolll

My friends were making sure that i had money in jail to, so i had money for canteen. So this became another point that put me in the spot in jail. Because most of the others were receiving no support of their so-called friends from the outiside. Within my cell, two people could stay in it,and i got to share it with a guy that was a killer and belongs to gangs outside. Anyway, this guy had a passion for cooking, and i had all the cooking stuff, so we were baking cakes and much more stuff, and sharing it with others, people were coming to me to borrow cigarettes and also some food they don't get and we just exchange foods. So because of this, i was also safe from troubles because i was the guy they can get stuff they cannot afford themselves. All these things i saw as how easy it is to control people when they are in a situation they can't do anything about it.

They gave me in total 1 and half year of which i sat only 8 month and got out due to ''good behaviour.''  I was lucky that they gave only that much, because i should have got more then that for the amount of drugs i had on me, but because it was my first time and also because of conduct and my story i got only that much.

After three months they transfer me to my final destination where i will sit the rest of my sentence.

The transfer me to another kind of jail that they call: '' half open camp''  This is because you can go out when you are in this jail and visit your family in the weekends and MUST be back on Mondays, and also one can choose to work outside, but of course below minimum wage, just because one is being considered a criminal. They make a lot of money with ''criminals'' doing this in these kinds of jails, and hide it under the banner of ''teaching them some skills'' or '' a way to punish them, so they will learn from their mistakes.''  Here is where they were mixing all kinds of criminals together from killers, to rapers, to child molesters, to drug dealers, to con artists, and tax -evaders....etc etc....So here one got to see how people came in and started to tell others immediately when they are in, what they did outside, thus the reason they were in jail, trying to make others fear them. And after a few weeks they will hear other stories from other inmates whom did really much worse fucked up stuff outside, and they immediately change and become calm, because in that moment they will know that there are people in there, that are much more crazy then they belief themeselves to be. Here to, everything was the same, i was treated with respect for the same reasons as in the other allocation before and one other point to, because of cooking again, the cooking food together and having the grocery to do all this.

After 7 and a half month they  put me into a project to go outside and do some courses to get a job outside. They were like trying to help those they saw were ''changed'' for them to start again. So when i got into this project i moved fast in it and i got my own job without their help and that was the moment they let me go.



The next blog i will be doing self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements regarding all this.....



Thanks.


Larry Manuela





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Day, 188 My Reaction To Rummage.

I have noticed that now that my kids are here with me that i react to rummage/clutter.

They make a complete mess of the place in seconds, they cannot play in way where they leave things orderly. After they have finished playing and i have a look at the room, it looks like a little tornado have pass through the whole room.

                                                                           

Now this makes me react in uncomfortableness because i was NOT like this when i was a little boy and throughout my whole life. When i was a kid i did this once, and my father came in my room after my mother was angry with me, because my room was like a mess and he told me something very important to me, that i never forgot.

He told me, something simple, but me being me, take these things very serious and deeply. Of course when i was a kid i didn't see that as i see it now, but one can say i really understood these things. Anyways my father told me: '' Larry, hear me.....................can you not see how your mother is doing everything here in this house for you guys( me and my sisters), she cooks, she do the cleaning of the whole house, she do the dishes, she even clean your rooms. Can you not at least do this to help your mother..?? ''

Now i looked at this deeply within me, and i felt like a deep sadness within me, because it is true that my mother always, and i mean always did everything for us in the house, only now and then when we are ''told,'' because we weren't doing these things out of ourselves, like doing the dishes or something else, we will then engage into doing the tasks.

So when i placed myself into my mothers shoes that day, i immediately made the decision to make sure my room will always be clean. So from that day on, my mother didn't have to clean my room anymore, everything was orderly, from drawers to bed to my shoes being in alignment and everything else, i swept the floor and mop it to. I wash my own underwear and socks, because she told me the bigger clothing i don't have to do them, because she will put them in the washing machine anyways.

So from that day onward i continue being like this, to have all my things look orderly. The moment my room or whatever is not orderly, it makes me uncomfortable. It is like if i may use an example here, if one would loose a key or something and is looking everywhere to try and find it, but can't find it because there is  a mess and it can be anywhere, but because of the mess, finding it would be much difficult.


So translated to my mind, when i am having to much thoughts/internal conversations/back-chats/emotions/justifications/judgements/reactions, (mess/rummage/clutter as in the room) i go through uncomfortableness and ''feeling'' like i don't know what to do now, where to start, like i am lost for a moment, and within this i become a little angry and also uneasiness. In this world when it comes to making sure my room is clean and stuff like this, i will be called a: ''perfectionist''



So my kids,----------------------- everything they touch becomes a mess, it is like their hands cannot touch something without making a mess out of it. When i look at this within myself i do not understand it, because i compare them with myself when i was a little kid, and i can see that when i was a kid i looked at things more closely then them, thus when i am busy doing something, to try and be as best as possible to have the thing i am doing or my hands are doing, to be in control of it. So for me to break something, or for me to do whatever i will make sure that i put it back as it was, or make sure to use it in a way i don't make a mess. Thus as a kid i was very physical about these things, and it seemed easy. But now that my kids are like this, i can't understand it, and no matter how much i show them, they just don't get it, how they have to do it physically without making a mess all the time. They are, compared to me when i was a kid and i was younger then what they are now much better in being physical with physical tasks. They should be able to do something at this stage more in control and really paying attention to how things work and how to touch and move things without messing it up, but yet they cannot do it yet at the moment. They are 12 and 7 years old.




Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortableness within looking at the mess my kids leave when they are playing or just annoying each other.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes loose my focus in my breath, because i let myself get carried away when looking at the mess, because within me, when it comes to taking care of my stuff and keep it clean, i am a perfectionist, so the moment they can't do this and for some things they just don't want to, it makes me react in anger and also make me uneasy within myself. 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into memories, wherein i compare myself with them when i was a little boy even smaller then them and could already do all these things way better then them, without seeing/realizing/understanding that not all of us are on the same level when it comes to our interaction with our human physical bodies and the way we move with in doing tasks with it.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my own sadness related to my mother as i was a kid, seeing her doing lots of work around the house, as a way to make sure i am responsible and can take care of my own stuff, no matter what it is, when it comes to doing physical tasks.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to taking something as tasks around and within the house as something to perfect, that now i am in this level of perfection, when the perfection is not here i go through the experience of being out of control, and this then in its turn makes me angry and uncomfortable and frustrated.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect being in control to being a perfectionist, and then in turn connect perfectionist as being negative, when the word ''perfectionist'' should be just someone who does his/her BEST to do something in the best possible way, and have nothing to do with control, nor with polarities as negative/positive. Thus moving from perfection to Self-perfection.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my kids because they can't handle the tasks as i could handle them in comparison to myself when i was a kid.



Self-commitment:


I commit myself  to make sure that whenever i am about to or i am into becoming uncomfortable when i look at the mess my kids make, to just STOP and breathe and make sure i continue breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I commit myself to whenever i am about to go into or i am loosing my patients with my kids in explaining and giving physical example as to how to do a task, to just STOP and breathe and make sure i only interact with them when i am clear and stable within myself so the communication  and the understanding can happen and even if it does to let it go in the moment and give them the time to get it on their own, that could be in the moment or some other time in their lives.

I commit myself to make sure i use my perfectionist actions to perfect my common sense interaction with/as the physical reality and my human physical body, instead of seeing it as something that is negative or positive, but just purely to perfect myself within and as the task i am doing itself and that is it.





Thanks.



Larry Manuela




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Day 187, My Kids Are Here With Me.

Today was a busy day i went to Amstedam to get my kids to come and spent some days with me. I find my kids triggering lots of points in me, especially points like: ''patients  and anger.''

                                                                     

Now my kids are very hyper and my apparment being small one can imagine what that means...lol

They keep on bullying and nagging each other and they just don't stop no matter what i say, only when i put a very very serieus face, when they see i my face that i have had enough and that i may be angry now they stop for a while it doesn't seem to last for more then 5 minutes....lol



Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to loose my patients with my children.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to because of not having patients to react a little angry at them once in a while.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to show just a little anger within me with them, but inside of me there is much anger, because i can see how they are NOT stopping when i tell them to stop doing what they doing that really irritates me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated by their behaviour, because i can see the difference when they were with me and now that i am not there in their lives anymore they are turning into these kids that don't hear me, and just continue doing what they are doing no matter what till i really become angry.  I realize that they have been brainwashed to listen only when someone gets angry at them, before that------------------- they don't listen.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a little bit guilty because of me not being able to be in their lives all the time, so that they can get from me to how to live in this world in accordance with other people and everything else.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that i have to not let myself get carried away in my mind and just be here in breath and to not react.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel like i am not capable of handling the children.

I forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment to not have anything to say anymore, because my mind is blank, so i will write tomorrow when i get a bit of clean air later on outside.


I commit myself to push myself to make sure i don't loose myself within and as the programs within my mind now that my children are here with me.


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into loosing my patients with them to STOP, take a deep breath till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me as the mind as the energy.

I commit myself to make sure that whenever i see myself going into or about to go into emotions of anger to just stop and make sure that i breathe and keep on breathing till i am clear and stable and then from this talk.


Thanks.



Larry Manuela



Join us at: DESTENI







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Day 186, It Is Over, Or Will We Invent Other Date..??

Now today on this side of the world the whole 21 December 2012 hype has truly ended, it is now the 22 nd. All the lies are now on the table. What will the ones that were lied to be going through now..??  Will they invent some new shit to belief in again looking for ways to keep on abdicating their responsiblity to what is going on in this world..??

                                                                  

Would they let some master/guru/scientist/lightworker/channeler/conspiracy theorist or whomever fool them again, or would they be so gullible to let themselves be brainwashed again into believing some BS...??

So when nothing happened there were people that even though they didn't belief this whole thing but yet they felt a sort of a relief, and there were people in this world that are now in this very moment confused, because they spent years dedicating their lives believing some bullshit and spending lots of money supporting all this 2012 hype and now what happened..?? absolutely nothing, they may even now still be hoping that some calamity could happen just for them to say: '' you see, i was right anyways.''  Can you imagen that some people are having hopes of destruction of life on earth, just to have their believes being proven to be right...??   How sick is this..!!!


So whomever you are out there, get yourself together, shake yourself and join us in this physical/practical/factual walking to change ourselves in order to change the world so no-one ever in the whole of existence can fool themselves into believing there is something MORE then LIFE. Where we throw out this whole absurdity called: ''BELIEVE'' away forever more, and start LIVING..!!


Thanks.


Larry Manuela




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Day 185, The Whole love Story Again..!!

Now i have a friend that is a girl and she is going through some troubles within her relationship with her boyfriend. Because she can see that i know a lot of stuff about love and relationship and things like that she is asking me questions and wanting to find out about what is going on with her, why she feels the way she feels and why it is she just can't let him go, that she must keep on trying to make the relationship work, even though the boyfriend cheated on her like 4 times already.

                                                              


Now understand in my life, i have dealt with lots and lots of girls/women whom have been into these kinds of situations. There is this peculiar thing about the men of my race, of my culture so to speak, most of them are womanizers. I say this because the boyfriend is a guy of my race. Having a lot of women, or worse yet lying to a lot of women in order to get them in bed. It is like a common thing. In my culture it is almost broadly acceptable in a way, even though the women are critisizing it, don't like it but yet it is still there, or HERE. They are like accepting it that the men are just men and that is what men does, walking around like horny individuals looking for holes to fill. Some of the men whom are doing these things are so proud of themselves when they can say i have 10 or 12 children, and each with a different woman. Because to them (the men) it means they are very good at looking for woman to have sex with, like this is a job to be proud of and a very honorable thing to engage in.

Now most of the times between all the women they are having sex with there is always one they will like the most, and this one is the one that they are going to abuse even more. I am talking about being very dominant to her, being very jealous, hitting her, lots of verbal abuse, and sometimes even murdering them. Because they so-called: ''love'' that one woman. Now because they(the men) know what they are doing and also know that the majority of men in their country or culture are just like them, the possibility exists that when they are busy humping one of the other women, that the one they love may be doing the same thing. Because most of the times these women have found out that they are fucking around. So these men now become very affraid to ''loose'' their so-called: '' my sweetheart, the one I love.'' I am being sarcastic here......loll


So i was explaing to this friend of mine, that she is forgetting the I that is loving, The I that is going through hurt, the I that is being emotional about the whole thing, and the I that is trying to fix the relationship.  As i was talking to her i also realized within that moment even though i did see this in common sense already, but it really dawn upon me so to speak, like it is very clear, it is in my blood that this is so, not as a belief but as a direct seeing it as this is whom i am, this is ME.

I told her, what she is forgetting is herself, all that she is going through is all her creation within herself as the feeling/emotions she is experiencing, without her there will be no feelings of love, and her boyfriend cannot GIVE her these feelings ever. All that is going on within her is all her own energetic creation about this boyfriend of hers. So she is in reality LOVING herself.
Now this what i just wrote up here, it may be common sensical to some of you or maybe to some not at all. The thing is, that i see this very clear, it is totally clear in common sense what this means. So clear that falling in love for me will never happen again, because i know it is false, it is not practical nor factual, it only exists because I give it my power to exist, so whom am I, when I am the ONE who give love the power to exist and be experienced within me..??  So i asked this friend these questions. I asked her, where is the YOU, that is letting yourself feel the thing you call love..??   How is it possible for the creator of the feeling to now that you are going through the feeling and have accepted it, have allwoed yourself to go so low that The feeling is now MORE then YOU..?? And YOU know within you that this feeling of love is NOT 24/7 in every moment of breath existent within you, but yet YOU are HERE in every moment of breath  Existing. Why do rely on something just because it ''feels'' good...???  Are you not the Creator of this ''feeling good'' experience..???  This YOU is very important to understand, this YOU that is going through all these experiences..??   


So to Sabotage oneself as this YOU, this I for what this YOU/I itself have created to be experienced within itself as itself where the creation itself now is MORE then the YOU/I, something must be terribly wrong. Without the YOU/I, there is no experience of LOVE at all, none of these things can exist without this YOU, this I...!!   So how come i can give my whole living away for something that i just experience for awhile/occassionally...??  What does this tell me about myself..??  This tells me that i DO NOT know at all whom I am as LIFE, as the ONE that can create such experiences within me. Now the specificity of HOW i am creating these experiences within me is another story, that i myself still will have to walk for years in order to see how i do that in specificity and detail, so i can STOP myself creating myself in separation to myself and to harm LIFE by doing so, thus harming myself.




So, any of you whom are reading this, i ask you to ask yourself these questions to yourself, be honest with yourself. These questions can open up a new avenue for you to make a decision in your life to choose LIFE...!!!  And then your walk starts to finding out whom you are for real, and then change you so we can change this world. For this world to change all of us HAVE to change.  Within humanity as a group it is all the YOU's as the I's that are making it possible for us to  live the way we live, and the way we live at the moment is NOT what is BEST for all of us nor for the REST of the manifestations and forms of LIFE equals as US.




Thanks.



Larry Manuela





Join us at: DESTENI







Have a look at our solution to all the problems in this world in the form as:EQUALMONEY








Support our research and buy one or more educational products that will for sure blow your mind, at: EQAFE








Do the course of a lifetime and change yourself in order to change the world:DIP     If not able to afford this one, here is a free version to get you started in becoming a REAL caring human being: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/


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Day 184, Am I Cold-hearted..?? Part 2

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-183-am-i-cold-hearted.html

This up here is the link of what i have written yesterday.

I am going to look within what i wrote yesterday and take the points i see i have to work on and deconstruct to see where they will lead me when i am doing self-forgiveness on them.

See, this is what self-forgiveness in self-honesty does, it gives one the opportunity to identify the patterns/layers within oneself and can then go deeper into them to find out how and when exactly and for what purpose i created them to be there.

                                                                 



Points to work on:


***     mum and dad dealing with a increase in Alzheimer.

***    Me being not emotional about it.

***    Preocupation on how i am being viewed by other people.

***    letting outburst of energy happen in me.

***    telling people in the past that i loved them, without feeling any love at all as they are going through.

***    Sabotaging myself in order to save my own lie, but project it as not wanting to hurt the other.

***    recognizing the uncomfortable feeling within because i am lying, but yet continuing.

***    i have learn to suppress my own feelings and moment of traumas in a way that i don't feel anything.

***   Embracing what is happening as energy, but NOT really letting it go, i stuff it inside, which will be anger.


***   finding being emotional about things i cannot change to be none sensical.

***   creating anger within myself against my own self-created fear, and also anger against being powerless and not being able to control what is physically going on.

***   Believing that by taking a hold on the anger and fear as in strangling something in your hand it goes away.


***   saw that love is being interpreted as the extreme excitement when two people are attracted to each other.





So now let me move to and start with self-forgiveness related to these points:



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide away within the fear of my mum and my dad dealing with the increase of Alzheimer by taking it all in me without forgiving it and breathe it all to nothingness, just because i think/believe that by taking it all in me and letting it go so to speak it dissappears, but it doesn't really dissappear, it just hide itself within me and will come out in the form of fear that will go through dealing with all kinds of things that are related to life being abused in this world by myself and others as myself. Thus within this i realize that i suppress the emotion of pain as fear and then transform it within me as anger, because i see anger as being against something that hurts me, so i become then angry about the emotions themselves that hurts me, like an internal war of sadness and suffering against anger.

So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the emotion of anger to appear within myself to suppress sadness and suffering, that are once again all emotions in different forms, wherein i did not notice that my mind have won by turning it all into anger that will come out in the form of when i see LIFE is being abused by us humans.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be emotional about what is going on with my parents regarding their state of mind, where they are starting to be forgetfull and it little by little is getting worse and worse, but yet have managed to cover these emotions with another blanket of emotion that is called: '' anger'' because this anger gives me the opportunity to attack the emtotion of being sad and also for being fearful that they won't be able to take care of themselves properly.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be preocupied within my mind with how others will look at me as thinking/believing that i must be a very cold-hearted person, when in reality the only thing i did was suppress it with anger, but i do not let the anger be seen, i will take it on within my own mind when i see other atrocities that are being done to LIFE by us humans in this world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that by turning the emotions as sadness into fear and then anger and from anger to lash out in my mind as it is being projected outside, is a form of self-sabotage, because i am still letting emotions get the best of me, when in reality i should not react at all energetically, and these then in their turn indicate that i am missing my focus in my breathing, where i am not one and equal within and as my breath.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let outbursts of energy to happen within me as me, instead of making sure to stick to my focus on my breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to get carried away by my own self-created energy.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tell people in the past that i loved them, just to say so but without having that feeling at all within me, and in the telling them i felt uncomfortable because i was saying something i knew was not true, i was sabotaging myself into conforming to the people that said that they loved me, by imitating them and saying the same thing back. I realize that i imitate the behaviours of others just to go with the flow.

Thus within this, i forgive myself  that i have accepted and allowed myself to imitate behaviours of others without question just to be accepted within the group or society as a whole.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself to save my own lie, and using the other person as a reason for me to sabotage myself by creating a belief within myself that i will hurt them, but in reality i don't really care, it is just an act to cover my lie. Thus within this i see how i lie to myself and in this lie projecting it out and use another lie to cover this original lie, so i am full of lies in and out.

Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and porject my own lie into another form to cover my own original lie.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that even though i have this uncomfortable feeling within my stomach i still continued with the lie to hold face, without seeing/realizing/understanding that it is only me inventing and going through my own lie, because of fear of what others may think/belief or if they may approve or not approve. Thus within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think/belief of me and also fear if they will approve me or not approve me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own traumas so i don't feel anything, when the ''not feeling anything'' is a lie, that i myself create within myself to belief for myself so i don't have to go through the emotions that come with the trauma, that i see within myself that are unnecessary. because they don't change the situation.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to embrace my emotions, but in this embrace have turned them into anger, and because the anger does not come out in that particular moment i think/belief that they have stopped, but they have just been suppressed as anger to later on in other situation that involve something that i can be angry about, this anger will then appear, coming out of its cave, where it have been hybernating all these times accumulating more of itself, to jump out with lots of controlled fury. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have controlled fury to exist within me as me as the energy as the mind.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find that being emotional about things is to make no sense at all, but not based on common sense reasoning, but on knowledge and information, without seeing/realizing/understanding that taking it as knowledge and information is me not totally looking within myself as to the totality of what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world, in order for me to STOP me of participating in all kinds of emotions, for knowledge and information is always in separation to SELF as LIFE right HERE.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for my own self-created fears and also for being angry at myself for not being able to control what is physically going on, and having a sense of powerlessness. Thus within this i realize that i have linked anger to fear and also to powerlessness and  being out of control. For this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link anger to fear/powerlessness and being out of control.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that by holding on to anger as to compensate the fear and other emotions, is to just switch to another emotion, which is still an emotion, which is Anger, and then within this because i don't become angry in that moment specifically because i have turned the other emotion as sadness into anger and fear and sense of powerlessness, and being out of control also into anger i think/belief that they are gone, when all that happened was that i turned them into anger and suppress this anger deeply within me in that very moment i transform these specific emotions other then anger into anger, and because of this then think/belief that i have let go of them, that i can then say: '' i don't feel these emotions in me.''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see that love was the extreme excitement of two individuals attracting each other, and yet because of me seeing it as in a form of an observation did not really grasped it as a point that can be seen as common sense for myself so i can see the nature of my own feelings.





Self-commitments statements:



I commit myself to everytime i see myself going into or about to go into anger to pay much closer attention to how i created myself to be this anger that arises within me, and i just make sure that i focus on my breath so i do not get swallowed within my own self-created anger to hide the other emotions. Within this i continue breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.



I commit myself to not suppress the emotions of sadness and suffering and just breathe through them in order for me to NOT transform them into another emotion that is anger and just make sure that i stay within and as my breath till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind, so i don't create consequences of abuse for myself nor others as myself in my participation in this world.


I commit myself to investigate more deeply within my emotions as sadness to root out all that is behind it in order not to transform any of it into anger, that will hide and wait for its turn to come out.


I commit myself to make sure that whenever i see myself going into or about to go into lying to myself to cover another lie------------ to just STOP, take a deep breath and make sure i focus on my breath till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.



I commit myself to stop myself of creating within and as myself a way of hiding my fears of having emotions, and turn them into another emotion that is more dangerous, which is anger. I STOP and i breathe till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.





Thanks.



Larry Manuela





Join us at: DESTENI







Have a look at our solution to all the problems in this world in the form as:EQUALMONEY








Support our research and buy one or more educational products that will for sure blow your mind, at: EQAFE








Do the course of a lifetime and change yourself in order to change the world:DIP     If not able to afford this one, here is a free version to get you started in becoming a REAL caring human being: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/


And for better understanding of the living words, visit our destonian Wiki website: http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page