Friday, 14 December 2012

Day 183, Am I Cold-Hearted..??

So, now i am going to write about myself.  You see since i was young i have managed to create a defence mechanism within myself as to just let something go completely in the moment, especially if it has to do with something traumatic, something that i know for sure it is out of my control, that i can't do anything about it, so i just let it go.  I don't keep thinking about them and ingite emotions within myself about them, when all this to other people may seem as if i am a cold-hearted individual. Because i am suppose to be emotional about these things like anyone else, this is what is being considered ''normal behaviour.''



But am i cold-hearted or am i just looking at reality as it is and how there are some things within it that i cannot change in the moment or ever, i just leave it to what it is...??

Now my mum and dad are little by little starting to become forgetfull. Alzheimer is kicking in slowly but surely. Now this thing to most people that have their parents going through this, will find it hard and all the stuff, but i just embrace it as what it is, it doesn't touch me emotionallly at all, i don't feel sad or anything. It is just what it is, and it is something in this moment on planet earth that i cannot do anything to STOP it for being here when it is here and from my understanding there is no cure for it either. So by embracing all this i can let go of all these emotions/feelings other people will normally go through. I have noticed within myself that by giving them attention, i am fuelling them, so i embrace them instead of following them and giving them attention.

Now even to the people i said i loved them, like family members and my kids, i just said these things in oder to fit in so to speak, because within myself i didn't feel these kinds of feelings everybody is talking about, like it is a great thing to have these feelings, what i can see within myself are moments of an outburst of energy for awhile within me, nothing as grand as everyone is talking about, it is like a minor thing, not something to brag about like everyone is doing, i could never understand this in myself and kept it also always to myself. From all the women i have said that i loved them, whatever that means, i really didn't feel that thing that they were telling me they felt for me, it didn't happen to me like that. But back then because i didn't want to hurt them, i just play along with the whole thing, but it felt really uncomfortable inside. It is  when one knows one is lying, but have to do it anyways, sabotaging oneself to say or do things one would not really like to do or say.

Now i don't want to sound as if i am a special individual or anything or a weirdo or that i  have a gift or whatever of these kind of none sense. I am walking through my process in identifying why i am the way i am and how did i create myself to be like this.  So i have to write my own story in a way to see what will present itself or open up so i can dig into myself and see when and how i created myself to be what i am.

What i can see within myself that there is this fear that comes up first before i take the decision to let go of something that many will go crazy on, or get totally emotional about. It is like an adrenaline rush that happens in seconds, and it overwhelms me and it is so uncomfortable that i want to NOT go through it so i take it completely, as a form of acceptance/an embrace and in this it just stops. Now i have been doing this my whole life in situations that i know for sure are out of my control, where my input won't bring any change at all to the outcome.  I wrote a while back how i went through the whole experience of my son getting very sick and almost died, when he caught a virus when he was just 2 month old. In that situation to, when the doctors told me and the mother that there is nothing they can do to help him and that all depends on his own body, if he is going to live or die, i just took it as it is. My ex. broke down immedaitely by hearing this. Me in that moment felt this adrenaline rush i just mentioned which is a fear of being helpless/powerless and out of control, so i just embrace it and in that embracement it just stops and nothing happens in me and i just focus in this case of my son, by staying with him as much as possible and await and see if his body will fight the virus and win or will the virus win, and then if the virus win, that will be it, he will be gone. So all this i went in fractions of seconds in my mind

The reason i embrace these fears is because i don't see their purpose by prolonging them or letting them be in me, because for me to breake down and cry and be emotional is NOT going to change a damn thing about what is really going on anyways. That is how i looked at these things back then. It is a form of anger against the fear that is coming up. Taking revenge on the fear by being angry at it within the embrace of it, thus like taking a hold on it so it doesn't go anywhere.

Now when i look at it now it is that i am fearing my own fear and my way of coping with it was to NOT break down emotionally, because that doesn't change the thing. Thus i create a character/personality within msyelf to deal with these kind of emotions and  psychological traumas. And when this character/personality take over i am relieved in a sense, i experience nothing, because this is the whole purpose and reason for me to create such a character/personality within my mind, you see..?? Because i fear going through emotions that don't make any sense and don't change the situations anyways. So this whole thing is a complete mess, a mix of fear and anger which in reality is the same thing anyways. Anger for not being able to do anything about what is going on, thus being powerless and anger because of some shit emotions wanting to come up that i have no fucking use for anyways, that doesn't change the situation.

Now in the whole love story is another story. Herein i will look at the whole thing as just two people finding each other attractive and then they will have sex and all this is just exciting, but to call it ''love'' i couldn't understand that ever. The love part seem to me, like an adding that is unnecessary. This is how i looked at it back then. So i could see within myself that this excitement is the same excitement i will get for something else to, just the excitement itself, that is all. So what did i do in this one, well i feared wanting to get into something i saw as unnecessary, that didn't make any sense. Because the only reason we were feeling happy is because of the excitement that we were in of knowing that we will fuck each other and how all of that is going to playout. And most if not all of the people that are in love when one ask them what they feel is always this ''happiness.''  Thus to me why that love if it is the excitement that i am feeling, why making it more then it is...??  But we want to give all this some special meaning, and this we will call it love, and the speciality about it is also just because one individual alone out of many will make us ignite such feelings within ourselves, so we then give this individual the power as if it is him/her that did something or whatever, when it is just us alone experiencing our own self-created feelings about them,just because they represent what we ourselves have already in the past have set forth as what it is in a particular person we would like to have in order for us to be loved and all the none sense that goes with it.

I will be doing self-forgiveness and self-commitments in another post................................within the self-forgiveness one can see more layers and patterns,...........


Larry Manuela

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