Saturday, 26 December 2015

Day 369, Drug experimentation, success or failure?

This piece is not so much about me, however it is about me witnessing someone else going through some rough times with experimenting with drugs/soft-drugs.



It was a day as any usual day. I had a get together with my stepdaughter, because we were to go together to a marketplace in Amsterdam where there are more affordable clothing. I needed to buy some winter jacket and so on for her, for when she arrives here she won't have to buy these anymore, they are then taken care of.
I took the train to Amsterdam and as usual I enjoy the train trips every time. One never knows whom one is going to meet or what one is going to experience on that particular train travel.

So on my arrival in Amsterdam everything seem a little the same as when I was used to live there. Amsterdam since I am here in Holland, was and still is my favorite city to be even though it is full of people, and busy and it looks stressful to lots of people, however to me there is this experience of multicultural living that somehow is in my liking.

So I decided to walk around while waiting for my stepdaughter to arrive.  I will share a few pictures here from that trip.



The lady here in the picture is someone who found it necessary to come and feed the pigeons everyday, because most of these pigeons prefer to eat leftovers from what people on the streets throw away.



So there I was in Amsterdam walking around and looking around. After awhile I decided that I will go to a kind of like a multi-service bar. The reason I say this is because they sell normal bar stuff, but they also sell food and weed, and the music is mostly pop music and some others and there are 2 big screen t.v. in the bar that are mostly streaming soccer games.
Anyways I was sitting at the bar and enjoying the music sipping my drink.
After awhile a few young ladies from U.S.A. walked in and they sat at the bar to, however they bought their weed before coming and sitting at the bar, and by the way they were lighting the weed up and smoking it, I could tell that it was their first time trying weed. For those of you who don't know, however Amsterdam is very famous for foreigners when it comes to weed smoking, because it is legal in this country to buy weed and to smoke it. Thus because of this many tourists visit Amsterdam to try out smoking weed, because in their own countries they can go to jail for this. 

After sitting awhile on the bar and waiting and waiting for my stepdaughter to show up, suddenly an Asian guy, tourist of course came to the bar and wanted to ask for a drink, however he started to like loose his balance and rock back and forth and it did not take long before he fainted. He fell down not too far away from where I as sitting. Immediately the people working in this bar rushed over to help him, and the friend that was with him got really scared and started to like cry and calling his name, but he was like coming and going, like fainting and waking up, like the system is having a bug. So the guy working at the bar started to massage his neck at the back with cold water and the lady working in the bar went to look for some lemonade syrup, because these are very sweet, having lots of sugar and she made a syrup drink for him, super sweet, meaning more syrup than water in the mix. after a few sips of this he could stand up, however he looked lost, did not know where he was and what he is doing there. They helped him to his chair, and there put him to sit down, soon after that the friend that was with him also started to go into the same thing and the same method was used with her too.

The problem with most of these tourists is that, they do not know that the weed tailors in this country are always busy with making the weeds stronger and stronger. The weeds they sell they give them all these strange exotic names, and sometimes they write them on a blackboard too, with all kinds of colors, so it looks very attractive to the tourists, however if it is their first time trying weed, it can be a very hard hit for them, like what happened to these two friends.
So going back to that moment, I noticed some things about the people in this country and people in general. When the guy fainted, I wanted to call the ambulance or something, that was the first thing that came to me, however by carefully looking at the situation I immediately saw that the people working in this bar had the situation under control and it seemed like they had many experiences like this with people coming in and trying these weeds for the first time in their lives and immediately smoke too much of it, which can be dangerous. What I also found fascinating is that no-one with a phone took images or started filming, this would not have happened if they were maybe in the states, because I have noticed that in the states everything having to do with some sensation will be filmed and than placed on YouTube, even though there were all kinds of people from different countries there, however I find that they can sense that in this country people don't just do that. So no-one filmed it nor took pictures, there was this kind of like silent agreement in the moment of respect.

So what did I see and learn from this trip?

Firstly, that sugar really in this case have a healing purpose, it is not ALL bad.
Secondly, people can sense what kind of morality is in a country where they themselves do not come from.
Thirdly, people are very much desensitized too to certain events and occurrences, like they don't really care, they look at it as a moment of entertainment, scared a little, however more so in a watching/observing-mode.


In the next blog, I will share few of my own experiences that I had in the past with experimenting with some drugs in this country, when I used to be a student.



Thanks,




Larry Manuela




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Wednesday, 16 December 2015

DAY 368, Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) PART 2

So now, I am continuing with having a look at this point of GSA.

For those of you who haven't read the earlier blog, here is the link to it.

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/12/day-367-genetic-sexual-attraction-gsa.html


                                                                     



I left off yesterday questioning; " love," " bondage," and " sex,"  within these cases. With these exceptional cases, suddenly words that are regarded as highly powerful/valuable and wonderful and right and what not, are being seen as weakness, as powerless, as having no value, bad and negative, disgusting even for some people, however for the individuals in question experiencing them, the words are as they are being defined and agreed upon within humanity collectively. So what does this mean? Does it mean that because these are all words not necessarily lived, however more so, experienced as an energetic experience that they are deceptive? Can they be trusted? No matter which side one chooses, it is the physical part that is what is being used as measurement to give these words that have an energetic charge as an experience within, their value.

Now lets talk about what is the reason behind people treating these cases as incest. Understand that incest in this world, or majority of countries if not all is punishable by law. People can go to jail for this.
Within incest the words: " disloyalty,"  " dishonesty," " bullying," " physical/psychological abuse," and " morality"  come into play. Now understand we are still looking at the " how something that is being felt as good within the human beings, is sometimes to be not acceptable in certain circumstances?"  With this I mean, the experience of the feeling of love that occurs between these individuals is the same as others will go through when they also fall in love with someone else, it's the same experience, even though they( individuals in these exceptional cases) say that the feeling is deeper and the bond is more powerful. This of course is personal, within their comparison of what they had before as an energetic experience when were in other relationships.
So, how come we humans can agree on the experience of the feeling of love to be something good, only when it is in accordance with what we determine in a moment what " good"  should be?
Can one see where I am going with this? I am focusing on the " the feeling of love." I am showing you through walking through these questions, how the feeling of love even though it is experienced as something " good," " positive," " wonderful," " powerful," " beautiful,"  and what not, it is not equal in practicality, in what the human do with his/her body. The outcome in the physical reality is not always the words that I have shared here that we the human beings use and give to love.
It is as the saying goes: " How can something be so wrong but yet feel so good and wonderful inside?"

Now that we have seen this, what is the lie? Is it not the energetic experiences? So how come we are still measuring our relationships with these? We are measuring relationships based on energy inside of us that are not equal in reality.
To give an example, two people cheating with one another, will tell you that they feel very good inside, they may even love one another, but yet their action/what they are doing together is unacceptable and they are aware of it being unacceptable, however, the FEELINGS inside are being experienced as " positive" " good"  " wonderful" " beautiful" ...............and what not, all these wonderful positive charged energies are being experienced and coined out in words such as these for description and definition of what they're going through.

So the BIG question remains;" how come we are still trusting these things, these energies, when we can see that they are not trustworthy at all to measure reality with?"
Within this we can see when Self-interest steps in, because now we are going to fight against one another to convince or convict one another when these wonderful feelings turns out to be something " wrong," " bad," " negative," according to our own findings.
They will only be what we all describe and define them to be, when it suits us personally in our doings!!!!

Now, how can we solve these problems?

As one can see, this is not only the problem with these people within these particular exceptional cases, however what they experience inside, that which they are using for their defense is the same that all humans experience when they are in love.
So WHO are we to condemn these individuals, calling them names and ostracizing them, when we are aware that what they are going through on the level of experiencing love is the same what we experience in our own relationships we have. Why is their love wrong and ours right? Love cannot be two things, understand that the experience itself is the same inside these people, it is the same positive energy charge that they are going through.

Thus to solve this problem, we all need to start forgiving these feelings, these emotions, these energetic charges we are experiencing inside ourselves, and we also make sure to measure the physical reality with common sense. And common sense is, that which is best for all practically measured and lived, that will have an outcome that is equal and one, best for all.

At desteni, this is what we do, we investigate ourselves, we assess what we do and what we do not do and to see if what we are doing will have an outcome that is best for all practically. As I have walked with you here to show you how we as humans are using love to measure our relationships with, to give it value and importance and to see it as something good, when love itself is not equal in the physical reality as it is being felt inside, the feelings do NOT match the reality outside. The physical reality, how we treat each other in the physical reality IS our truth! This is the WHO we are! What we accept and what we allow.




Thanks.


Larry Manuela


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Monday, 14 December 2015

Day 367 Genetic Sexual Attraction ( GSA)

Let me start with first defining  what this Genetic Sexual Attraction is according to many.

" Genetic Sexual Attraction, is an attraction that occurs between family member whom got reunited for the very first time in their lives, family members whom have never met each other before." 


                                                


This is a highly controversial topic to talk about, because people in this world have certain ideas/believes/judgments about what should and should not be acceptable in societies.

Understand that these cases are more often cases that are exceptional. These are not an everyday occurrences.

About 50% of these people when they first meet, experience a deeper level of bondage that slowly but surely transforms into what we term: " love"  and with love comes: " sexual attraction." 
The majority of the cases wherein this happens is always between a daughter that meets her dad for the very first time after never have met him before in her life. It mostly never happens with a mother meeting for the first time with her son, or a father meeting for the first time with his son. Also brother and sisters or first and second cousins etc etc.....

Let me also add, the WHY, I have chosen this topic to write about, mostly because of 3 words. However also to walk some common sense points in regard to this topic to show how messed up we are in our minds, not condoning nor condemning these particular individuals.

***  LOVE
***  BONDAGE
***  SEX

Because of this phenomenon it makes me question love even more. Now what is love really? What is this intense deep level of " bondage" these individuals go through with one another however they don't go through it with other people? And why is it so intense that it becomes sexual, that it needs an outlet?

Before I continue I also have to add another question: " where in time did we all decide what kind of love is " good" and what kind of love is " bad ?"   Is there such a thing as " good love" and " bad love,"  or are these just figments of our imaginations that have become judgments and justifications. If love was real, would it not be just one thing, just as the word itself, one word, just: " love?" 

Within this, one can already see/realize and understand how we have split/separate/divide love into two things, a love that is being seen as " good " and a love that is being seen as " bad " 
And when do we see it as " bad? ".........................  When there is SEX  involved in relation to these particular EXCEPTIONAL cases.
Seen from the perspective of the individuals experiencing love about one another within these cases, they will tell you that it is " good thing." 
Now they have a problem, because the world is telling them that what they are experiencing as good inside themselves is actually bad, however they do not experience it as bad. They might feel bad about themselves for experiencing these feelings of love about one another, however because they are aware that they are being judged for it, they feel bad about being judged by others, and not per say because the feelings themselves within them is being felt like " bad."

As one can see we have a dilemma now. What is the dilemma? Well it is the following. 
On one side we have two individuals experiencing love within themselves as love is being defined as in this world, you know? Something: " good,"  " beautiful,"  " profound," " serene,"  and what not.............however because it is unacceptable in the eyes of the majority, it MUST be not this kind of love, it must be wrong, they are confused. Are they? Purely looking at the experience of the feeling of love about one another alone, are they?

So now let me add BONDAGE in the mix. The moment these individuals experience what they term a profound and deep level of bondage with one another, is the moment where the body will start to want to have SEX.
Sex for most humans in this world is the ultimate form of intimacy on a physical level, but also on a psychological level. So in other words, for the bondage and the love to have any form of legitimacy and any kind of realness on a physical level, sex must come into play. Sex is like the measurement these individuals take to measure their bondage and love to see for themselves if it is " good." Sex is what makes the circle complete. And because the level of love and bondage is very high between these individuals, sex will be experienced as highly exceptional too, just as is their case.

Here is a video one can watch:


                                                             


Will continue with this in the next blog............


Thanks.


Larry Manuela




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Sunday, 13 December 2015

Day 366, Do You Think You Are Gonna Make It? PART3

So no continuing with now the last phases of the working out of the points regarding this particular question to myself.

For context here are the links to the previous blogs relating to this point.

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/11/day-365-do-you-think-you-are-gonna-make.html

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.nl/2015/10/day-364-do-you-think-you-are-gonna-make.html




Self-Commitment statements:

I realize that I am within my mind wanting to give up on what it is that I need to do within my life, within this world, thus I keep on back chatting about it within my mind consciousness system.

I realize that I am not in every moment when I am allowing back chats to surface within me. to actually stop participation in them, however I go with the flow of the back chat within my mind.

I realize that I have created  fear based personalities in order for me to be against myself to make sure I do not have to change me into someone that only do what is best for all life.

I realize that I fear my own creations within myself forgetting and/or not seeing/realizing and understanding that I am the creator of them within and as me.

I realize that I let fear influence my decision makings instead of my common sense directive, life principled based.

I realize that I want to get rid of my mind consciousness system, because I think and belief that would be the easy way out, even though I am aware that the mind consciousness system is what I have become and cannot do that in the moment.

I realize that I am seeing and treating my own mind consciousness system as THE enemy, without wanting to understand the HOW I created this so called enemy to represent myself.

I realize that I am thinking and believing that I can win from my mind, even when I am on some deeper levels of myself aware that this process is not about winning or losing, however it is about standing within and as myself as life HERE. I do see/realize and understand that winning and losing is of and as the mind, a polarity/opposite game where the mind is always the winner, because when I participate it can generate energy from my body to continue its existence within and as my body and within and as the world through me.

I realize that I too much focus on all the points I have to work out about myself to change myself, telling myself to give up or give in, however I avoid focusing on the part of me that do not want to give up nor give in, however more want to really just stand and take stance and live that which is best for all of life.

I realize that I am doing less and less, because of letting/allowing myself participation within and as my mind consciousness system, wherein I loose focus in what needs to be done in every moment.

I realize that I am wishing and desiring and wanting a big shit to hit the fan, my world to collapse before I can direct myself into doing much much more, as if that is the only way I accept about myself that I will then be able to really stand and take a stance.

I realize that my wishes/wanting/desires for shit to hit the fan in my life and in everyone else life has to do with me keeping the judgment alive within myself in order to not move myself and actually change myself in be/becoming that which is best for all life, thus using all of this as a justification to not engage in changing myself.

Thus within all this, when and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into wanting to give up on myself and on life, I take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself making decisions based in fear or on fear and not common sense, as that which is best for all life, I take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into treating and seeing my mind consciousness system as THE ENEMY, I stop----------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to fix my focus on those things that make me want to give up and give in on myself, I STOP..................... take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

When and as I see myself deliberately acting as if I am not aware that I am the one creating the the creations as thoughts/fears/emotions/judgments within myself, I stop.............. take a deep breath and bring myself back here, ground myself till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I commit myself to stick to my focus on changing me in real moments of application within my personal daily live, and put the focus on the solution side of the coin and not on the problem side of the coin, because I am aware within myself that EVERY problem has a solution.

I commit myself to really have a very good look at myself within making decisions, so when I do so they are not fear based, however are common sense based with an outcome embedded in it that will lead to that which is best for all practically.

I commit myself to really practicing in moments really embracing myself as mind as who I am now first and forgive me as it to not treat my mind as my enemy, however as the part of me I need to understand




Thanks.

Larry Manuela



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Thursday, 26 November 2015

Day 365, Do You think You Are Gonna Make It? Part 2

Now continuing with the second phase of forgiveness statements.

What I wrote previously is to be found HERE





Self-forgiveness statements continuation:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wanting/desiring/wishing to get rid of my mind consciousness system, even tho I am aware that I cannot do that in the moment, because it is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as whom I am in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mind consciousness system as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as my enemy, as that something that I have to defeat, that something that I have to be against it, that something that I have not try and follow what it tells me to follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be fighting within myself against my own mind, forgetting that within this fighting I am actually keeping the mind at bay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can win from my mind, when I am aware that within this process there is no such thing as winning or losing, only just standing as myself within and as life here equal and one, and that within this point it is not a point of winning from the mind, however it is a point of me being aware of who and what I am as life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times wanting to give up on myself, seeing no way out but to just give up and give in, ignoring that part within me that still no matter what wants to keep on standing/going/not giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give value and importance within this point of myself where I am aware that I am standing even tho I am also aware that I am like in some points doing less and less, and by focusing on these less and less of my doings, I am in actuality really doing less and judging myself about or feeling bad about within and as myself, because of myself being aware of what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself, and especially being aware too as to what to do to stop me in participating in doing less and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes see like there is nothing changing within me as me as the mind as energy and that I would rather just give up and leave it to what ever happens, happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry at myself and also at other people in my environment, because of us not really really standing and taking a real stance and say, till here and no further, enough is enough, and thus wishing/wanting/desiring for a big shit to hit the fan for everyone so we can all see together in that there is no other way out but to be one and equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times wish/desire/want the system of money to just collapse, not today or tomorrow, but yesterday, so we can all go through what many people and other life forms are going through in this world now and for many generations, so everyone can understand in one go, that we need to stop what we are, how we are creating and create only that which will be best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that within my suffering wishes for everyone I am having, that I am actually being self-centered and also not having trust within myself that I can do something about it without having to have so much suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to too much thinking/believing that in order for me and humanity as a whole to really stop and take a stand and stance, would be to first go through major catastrophes of all kinds, all happening together at the same time so no one is left out as a special one without experiencing some suffering/hardship/difficulty in their lives, so that we can all have a real chance of changing the course and the way we are living with one another and everything else.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish/desire everyday for things to get really really difficult for everyone including myself, all our buttons being pushed together at the same time so we can all see/realize and understand where and why we need to be responsible for all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this wanting, this wish, this desire so much that I use it as an excuse within my mind in order for me not to move, not to do something, not to really do all I can do within my power to bring about that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept anger to exist within me and wherein my focus and attention is on the anger and on the reason I believe I am angry about someone or something and wherein I loose myself being against it within my mind and actually not moving myself to change myself to be/become a beacon in this world and truly do what is within my power to change those things that I am angry about in the world.



To be continued................

Thanks.


Larry Manuela






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Monday, 19 October 2015

Day 364, Do You Think You Are Gonna Make it?

I asked myself a question, when I was back chatting, and it was as follows: " Do you think you're gonna make it?"  and I answered myself with: "  Oh yeah, I gotta get outta here!"

Now the moment I said this within my mind I realized something about myself. I realized that the " I gotta get outta here"  part, is part of a desire I secretly had/have wherein I just want to get up and leave everything and everyone behind, like go to a secluded place where no-one will know where I am, and I will be all alone. It is like a wanna run away from all this hardship in my world/the world.
Secretly I desire and wish sometimes, often more than other that I can find myself into a situation where I have " no way out"  kind of situation. Like being in a situation where there is nowhere to run or to be, but to face myself completely right here, no holding back and give it all into forgiveness, really really open up completely.

                                       

The other point is, that I do know what to do. The problem is in the actual doing itself.
I also realized that I fear changing me, changing the who I am now, which is nothing more or less than personalities/characters in my mind for specific events and situations within my life process. Most of the time I am " myself."  However this " myself"  is not really ME. The real me at the moment is not yet here. You know it is like I went into a dark cave and as I was going deeper and deeper into the darkness I was  leaving little reflectors on the way down for when to get back, I can find my way back, however when I got into the deepest of depths within this cave of darkness I got lost and could not find my way back out, and now that I am finding the reflectors I myself have placed I am starting to remember how I got in, and remember the way out. I just have to follow the reflectors and get back out.

The reflectors in this example are the the personalities/characters I have created within myself that are now clouding/fogging me to see clearly and to remember the who I am for real. The who/what I was before the mind, before energy, this part of me is where I must get back to. It is called Beingness. The part of me that is aware of itself as LIFE. As one can see the personalities/characters are not good or bad, positive or negative or right or wrong, they are my reflections I have created, they are ideas about myself I have created within my mind consciousness system. As one can see; I CREATED them. Not one thing that exists within and as my mind can be placed there by another, it have to have my permission, the information must be accepted and allowed by myself, same way goes for using it.


Self-Forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have the back chat: " Do you think you're gonna make it?" to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have also as back chat however in a form of answer to myself the following back chat: " Oh yeah, I gotta get outta here!"  to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within and as my back chats, that I am actually busy pointing to myself out what I have created as ideas/believes within and as myself, about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself more than often try and stop the back chats without really investigating them first to understand where they are coming from and which specific point are they related to within myself, which character is connected to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these back chat to actually encourage myself to try and fulfill a desire/wish I have created within myself to cope with also the fear I have created within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become wherein, I actually fear myself, because the personalities/characters are now me as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand for real that I am the creator of the back chats, that I am the creator of the personalities/characters, that I am the creator of the fears, therefore that I am a creator within and as myself, thus meaning as I create within me that which is at the moment only self-interest, I can also create what which is best for all of life, which is that which is in the best  interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own creations, including fear itself, which is also my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my creations are me and that by understanding them, I will also understand how I created myself to represent me as if they are really real, when the real me itself behind it all I forgot that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear to be part of me as me and to allow it to influence my decision making in every moment.



To be continued.....................................................



Thanks


Larry Manuela



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Thursday, 15 October 2015

Day 363, The winds of Back-Chat Part 2.


Now I am continuing with the second part of what I started with in the previous part.


I am in this blog going to write my self-commitment statements.





Self-commitment statements:


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into allowing myself to be blown away side by side, back and forth, within myself by my self-created back chats, I stop------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that allowing the back chats in a moment, results into back-chatting even more.

Therefore, I commit myself to make sure I in the moment itself apply forgiveness immediately instead of letting it continue building up and becoming me spewing more back chats in my head.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into becoming impatience because of the debts that I have and that I
.. want to get rid of, I stop-------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I become impatience with having debt, because I want to solve that problem as like right now, or yesterday and this is not possible at the moment.

Therefore, I commit myself to make a plan and stick to it, in agreeing with myself to make sure I attend to my debt problems in a way that will be best for me and that I practice being patients and remember that I have to do all this one breath at the time.

When and as I see myself going into or I am to go into blaming myself into having to get myself into a situation of debt, I stop................... take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that blaming is not a solution however more an adding to the problem, because what is done is already done, and the consequences of that which was already done, are also part of the same problem and the solution can only be a practical one, real physical action, and blame is not part of that practical/physical solution.

Therefore, I commit myself to make sure  that I take the necessary steps with my finances that I already know I have to take and within this stick to it till I free myself of these debts and be able to support myself and everyone else that needs my support financially.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into generating the emotion that contributes to the hate of debt in the money system, I stop..........take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am allowing the emotion as hate to exist within me, because I do not agree with this system of money as to HOW it functions, and by having the emotion of hate generating within me about it, I somehow think/believe that I am taking a revenge on the system, when in reality I am just in puny/little world in my mind, generating energy to keep this world alive.

Therefore, I commit myself to remind myself to breathe in these moments and hold my hands together or do whatever that is a physical movement and focus on it to bring me here, and after I see that I am calm and quiet inside I do self-forgiveness about the emotion that I have accepted and allowed to come up within me to release it, and take note if it is necessary to work it out later more specifically to find out what triggered it exactly to come.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into feeling shame, I stop------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am ashamed of myself of being into situation of debt, because I live a life of struggle and mostly because people judge people who are in debt problems as somebody that is stupid.

Therefore, I commit myself to little by little push myself to get rid of this shame that exist within me as me, by focusing on the moments when I know I am going to use it to energize myself to experience that word as an emotion, energy. I do forgiveness to myself in that moment and when I have a moment alone I have a look at it more deeply in writing and work myself out of it, and continue doing so, till there is no more shame existent within me.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately choosing women that are very far away from me to start something with them, I stop-------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back till I am clear are stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am doing this, because I do not want any woman to come and visit myself home, because of me being ashamed of my home not being ready yet, not having furniture yet, only the basic things I need I have, like a fridge, a washing machine, a bed and of course internet.

Therefore, I commit myself stop looking for women for awhile and just focus on little by little buying the stuff I need to put in my apartment to have it ready, and to not have it ready to receive women as guests or so, however to have it ready so I myself can live comfortable in my apartment.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into using the back chat: " I am tired of this S***," I stop---------------  take a deep breath and bring myself here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am using this back chat, because I have the experience to want to give up on myself, like I cannot take this anymore, tired of living a life where survival has become a form of struggle instead of what one have to do to support ones body and the environment one lives in with everything that is here.

Therefore within this, I commit myself to little by little work on this experience I have placed/created within myself where I want to give up on myself, I write myself out and forgive myself and focus my living on practical actions so I can help myself working myself out without having my consciousness/mind being in the way.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into feeling like I do not want to do anything, I Stop--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am feeling like I do not want to do anything, because this feeling of not wanting to do anything is one of the consequences when I am giving up on myself, so I literally slowly but surely rot away without actually doing nothing, thus in reality creating that which represents " giving up on myself."

Therefore, I commit myself to deliberately when I preparing myself to do nothing, I push myself to do something that is physical and practical, moving out of the situation of ending up all the time doing nothing. I go take a walk, I can write anything, or do anything that involves some physical action.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into being angry at people who are saying that they have no money in conversation, when in reality they do have money, I stop------------ take a deep breath and ground myself till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am angry at people acting as if they have no money, when I am aware that they are lying, because of the way they live their lives with money that indicates that they have money, and because I am in a situation wherein I really do not have money or have very little money, I find than that my statement when I say I have no money is valid and theirs not. Thus in reality I am angry at myself for not having money or very little money.

Therefore, I commit myself to little by little getting myself out of this situation of not having money or very little money and do my best to be as best I can be in what I am already doing so I can place myself in a position where I can have some room to breathe and can end up having some money left after I have paid my expenses. I realize that this is at the moment the only way I can do it as a start.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into lying, I stop---------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the  mind as energy.

I realize that I think/believe that if I tell I lie about " something that matters"  it is than o.k. to tell a lie, not seeing/realizing and understanding that a lie is a lie no matter how I judge it and telling a lie is actually perpetuating the lie that exists in this reality.

Therefore I commit myself to just stop the lie that exist within me, and just shut up, and do not say nothing and if there comes a back chat in relation to stopping myself to tell a lie, I immediately move into focusing on my breathing and just do self-forgiveness in that moment for myself within myself and when I am at home and is getting ready to go to bed I come back to the moment and write it all out for myself and work it out.



Self-Reward:

Within this writing about myself I have come to see/realize and understand that there are much more points that came to the surface that needed my attention to be worked out. I have seen/realized and understood that whatever state of mind I am in, I can always choose to get out of it and to actually do something practical about getting out of it.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela


Join us at: Desteni

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Sunday, 27 September 2015

Day 362, The winds of Back-Chat.


I have chosen this title for my blog, because this is how I experience myself inside, if I would
give a practical/physical example of it. It's like being a coconut tree in the middle of a hurricane and the winds of this hurricane swing the tree from left to right, back and forth. Thus the tree is being badly hammered by the winds.


                                                                       

So let me go now into the specifics. I have been gravitating on the process of clearing myself from some debts I have, and every time it looks like I am going to finally, at least get a break and really be in a situation where I have a " normal"  money flow and my expenses I need to pay are not behind, but all on time,---------- However something unexpected always seems to happen to my children or some very good friends of mine, where I find myself in a situation that I cannot say: "  sorry, solve your own problems yourself!"  Either my kids really really need some money immediately or a friend is totally F***** and needs my help.
Than a point opens up that I do see, that it is a pattern, and this pattern I have been doing it for a very very long time, and it is this: "  I always weight/judge the situation of another, as worse than mine, thus I help this person first and see afterwards to myself, because I think and believe, I can still help myself afterwards,"  making few arrangements and agreements to pay what I have to pay in little parts till I am back on track again. However I have seen that this makes me fall behind all the time, and it is not like I am going to get some extra money to cope with this " fall back." Therefore, it will take me months afterwards to be on track again, and than BOOM, the same story again and again year in, year out. And within all this I than have the back chat: I am tired of this S***."
And I have to say that this back chat is not related or projected to these people, but to the situation of always having money shortage. Sometimes I wake up and I do not want to even go to work, because I know the whole salary is about, getting the money to refill the hole, in paying back what I am running behind with, with payments.


Self-forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blown side to side up and down inside myself by the back chats I allow myself to have within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being in a situation of having to have debt, that it makes me impatience, because I want to solve this problem immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of wanting to solve this problem immediately, I run a muck in my mind looking for ways to solve it immediately instead of looking for other solutions that may not be immediate, however will alleviate the problem in the start and at least give myself some room to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on blaming myself to find myself within a situation of debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so ashamed of having to have debt, that I allow myself to not go anywhere and also not talk to anyone to avoid anyone coming close to me and finding out about my situation in relation to debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have as less contact as possible with people, to avoid them asking me if they could come visit me, because I am ashamed of my house not being livable ready yet and I knowing that it is going to take a long time before I can get it to a level where it will become a comfortable living environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also make sure that when I meet women on the internet that they are always far away from me, not close to the city I live in, so it won't be easy for them to say, that they want to come over/visit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people may think and say about me being in the situation I am, because I am ashamed of myself for being in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the back chat: "  I am tired of this S***,"  to exist within me as me as the mind.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that due to the long dragging of being in financial difficulty, I just have no zest in anything I am doing, and eventually I end up doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my problem as " never ending."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes be angry at people, whom SAY and act as if they have no money in conversations, however in real live their way of spending show the truth, just because I am the one really without money, or very little money and when I say it in conversations it is not a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as liars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and leave myself out of the judgement of being a liar, when I am aware that I also do lie in some instances to save myself from certain/specific situations that can compromise my well being or my survival in the system, thus I avoid on the surface to not judge myself as a liar as the others, because what I lie about has to do with " something that matters"  and they lie about something that does not matter or hurt lots of people. Thus Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find within myself a justification as to what  weighs more to be lied about or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand in the moment of me lying about something to save myself of consequences, that I am busy in reality contributing to the lie that exist within this world that is the equal with the one I am busy, namely: "  to protect self-interest."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within the believe of:  " if I am lying to protect my self-interest, because it will have a good/positive/right outcome for me," that it is than o.k. to tell a lie.


To be continued........................................




Thanks.



Larry Manuela




Join us at: Desteni

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Thursday, 10 September 2015

Day 361, The anger that consumes me, Part 2

O.k. Here I am with the continuation of the blog that I wrote before this one,  For context, I suggest to read that one here if one will here.








This where I left off in previous blog:



When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reacting against something in anger within my mind consciousness system, I stop................take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that by allowing anger to exist within me, within my mind I am thinking and believing that it means that at least I am caring somehow, because " I am thinking about others that have less than me," as if "thinking about it is caring." 

Therefore, I commit myself to just stop myself thinking about those whom I have judged as living in circumstances and situations that are challenging, and actually start to get myself involved more practically with the actual doing, moving to/towards solutions that will bring about a change that will be best for all life." 

Self-commitment statements continuing:

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into participating in anger within and as myself and allowing it to be fueled up within myself, by myself, I stop........................ take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am allowing anger to be fueled within myself by myself, because of a deep seated self-created believe that somehow if I am angry at something or someone, I am being against that which I, myself has judged as faulty/wrong/bad/negative, within my own mind consciousness system, thus being angry against all of these is a " good/positive/right"  thing to do/to be, when in reality it is a war I am creating within and as my own mind, using projection judgement about what I see happening in the world, that have some similarity, or are totally similar to that which I have judged as faulty/wrong/bad/negative, thus reason enough within my mind consciousness system to be against it. However instead of working it out practically, I dwell in it, and allow it to consume me.

Therefore, I commit myself to really push myself into actually moving myself and doing what needs to be, because I already have the tools to work with, now rests the applying part. Thus I work on the applying part little by little till it becomes like brushing my teeth facing each point within myself, bringing myself to clarity and clearness, the point of understanding.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into in a creepy/strange way, enjoying being angry within and as myself to/towards myself and others as the whole world, I stop----------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I enjoy in a " creepy/strange way,"  being angry within myself, because I have become addicted to the energy of anger within me, and justify it with " being right"  about being angry at certain outcomes and certain groups and certain specific people in this world, including myself.

Thus within this, I commit myself to first release myself from this anger that consumes me and that I see, that I even enjoy, because it gives me a point of wanting to be against that which I have judged as " faulty/bad/wrong/negative specifically, using the tools provided by desteni as in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitments derived from common sense introspection.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into being angry at humanity at large because of what I see I have accepted and allowed to happen to life on my watch, I stop--------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am putting the blame on humanity for where I lack doing something that is practical solution-wise and will have an outcome that will be best for all.

Therefore, I commit myself to push myself to look more into coming up with practical solutions that is best for all that I am capable of doing in a moment and in this manner learn little by little how to be like this, and taking little by little more complicated practical solutions as part of my living expression.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into fearing a self-created imagination of what might become an outcome that is even worse than what exists now on this earth, I stop--------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am fearing these imaginations of possible outcomes within myself not so much because of what can happen to humanity and/or to life on earth, however more so, because of self-interested reasons as in, myself having to go through these or members of my family having to go through these.

Thus within this, I commit myself to only look at the self-interest that exists within me from the perspective of measuring myself as to see/realize and understand where I am taking self-responsibility to life or not, and doing what needs to be done to actually bring about in this world, that which will be best for all life, and in this way transforming self-interest into that which is the best interest of/for all.


When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into fearing losing a job in this world, I stop-------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am fearing losing a job, because of what I already am aware that will happen when one looses a job in this world, especially in this day and age, where it is very challenging to get a new one, and having many other factors relating to it which makes it even more challenging, and bringing it all to the base, it is about being aware that one will be in a situation where one will be having to go through less money or no money, or at least not enough to cover all the monthly expenses that will not change to accommodate ones situation, which I find unfair given the amount of time gives to the system when one DO have a job in the system. One support the system 100% when one is working, however when one falls out of the system, the system will only support one 60 to 40 % depending where one lives, in which country and in some countries, it is basically ZERO support.


Thus within this, I commit myself to focus only on that which I do in each moment physically when it comes to my job and make sure I learn everything that needs to be learnt in order to get better at what I am doing, so I can support myself better within the system even when I loose a job, the possibility to find another one is greater then.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into fearing being in the middle of a humanity gone mad, I stop------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am fearing being in the middle of a humanity gone mad, because of what I can imagine could happen as what I already see happening in the world at the moment, only much worse than that.

Thus within this, I commit myself to focusing on solutions to the problems that are here, and focusing on bringing out more information about solution than information about the problem that is already here and is getting worse, so that my contribution to the world is one of solution and not one of focusing on what the problem is without a practical solution.

When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into thinking and believing that I cannot live oneness and equality within and as myself, I stop------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that I am  thinking and believing I cannot live oneness and equality within and as myself, because I judge it as something too big for me to live as if it is out of my reach, when in reality I have been given all that I need to live this, which is LIFE itself. LIFE is right here within as me. All I need to do is realize myself as this life and than all this thinking and believing will be no more.

Thus within this, I commit myself to focus more on LIFE that is the gift that is right here within me, which I for 100% am aware that I can trust this life no matter what, and the form of life that this life is expressing itself within and as and through, which is my human physical body. All I need to do is actually LIVE the trust I already have as common sense and remind myself that this trusting of life is going to take application/dedication/time/patience and grounding of me as self as life here. Thus baby steps to/towards myself in my application of remembering the who I am as LIFE here.





Self-Reward:

I see/realize and understand that my anger was related to/towards world events and outcomes due to my participation within the anger that I generate within myself as myself, in so doing supporting even in small ways the anger that is existent within this world through humanity at large, because of the anger comes in separation making one wanting to choose sides, as in thinking and believing always that whatever side one chooses is the " good/right/positive"  side when in reality the only choice to choose if choice was a matter, would be to choose the side of LIFE, which will not be the side that is "  good/right/positive"  or  " bad/wrong/negative,"  however, will be the only choice that will be BEST for all of life.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela




Join us at: Desteni

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