I commit myself to show and to teach as i go along studying and investigating more about how we live with each other in this world, how parents used to most of the times believed the teachers story above that of their own children without really doing proper investigation as to what really happened and then to take action and by taking action i mean, taking action without the use of punishment and beating.
I commit myself to show that teachers equally together with parents don't have a clue how to raise children at all, for the very simple fact that none of them know in detail and specificity how they create thoughts/feelings/emotions within themselves, the whole process from the beginning till the end of each. Within this i commit myself to investigate my own thoughts/emotions/feelings in order to assist and support myself and then to assist and support others as myself.
I commit myself to show that in this world as we have lived with each other and are still living with each other, we have always placed our believes whatever they might above LIFE itself, life is being used in some circumstances only to give the belief the importance and value, but LIFE itself is NOT really being seen as THE most valuable.
I commit myself to show that we in this world are living equally unequal, with this i mean that we support the inequality in every way possible and we act as if there is nothing we can do about it to change it, and that the way it is, is just the way it is, but it is NOT true, it is only the way it is, because we accept it and allow it, we participate either directly or indirectly. So within this i commit myself to show that just as we can create a world together of inequality the same way we can create together of EQUALITY wherein NOT one is left behind to fend for themselves, everyone and everything is taken care equally and have equal value because they are all expressions and manifestations of this ONE thing we all have common which is: '' LIFE.''
I commit myself to show that to live in this world doing that which is ''good'' only implies to be on the opposite polarity of that which is ''bad'' and that we are brainwashed to always try as much as we can to do the ''good'' and avoid as much as possible the ''bad.'' Thus wanting to do the '' good'' and avoiding/ignoring the ''bad'' will keep on supporting both to continue existing and as such both can have their play out in this world because of our participation in both. Life itself if one truly look at it with common sense one can see/realize/understand that it does not have any opposite, because one cannot be NOT LIFE, because then you won't be existing and LIFE itself won't exist. Life is NOT dependent on the ''good'' nor the ''bad'' to BE LIFE, it depends only on itself alone.
I commit myself to show the obvious that because all of our parents have taught us only to raise us with punishment and reward and with anger and fear, this would be exactly what we will teach our children to when we become parents ourselves, because it is THE only example we have had throughout history. No-one know how to co-exist with each other practically in the /best possible way and live with each other as equals, because we were raised to be selfish and taking care of the ones that are so-called: '' our loved ones'' alone above everyone and everything else first and foremost.
I commit myself to show that beating a child in order to make the child obey the rules that the parents want to impose on the child is NOT going to make that child become later on in LIFE someone whom will DO what is BEST for all LIFE, that child will grow up obeying all rules that come from any authority in this world without question, because the child have already been scared to death to accept by force the rules of the authority that was his/her parents, thus will not see anything wrong if the laws/rules/regulations in his/her particular country are also doing the same thing his/her parents did to them, and the abuse continues.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into anger character to just STOP and take a deep breath and make sure i keep on breathing till nothing moves within me as me so that i can then act out of common sense reasoning and not out of my mind.
I commit myself to little by little to defuse this reaction of anger that i myself have created within me in the past when my mother used a certain/specific voice tonality to assert her belief on me that the teacher is telling the truth and not me, wherein because i could not convince her and even had to take a ass-wooping. So by this i commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into this anger character when someone use the similar voice tonality with me and react then in the same way i reacted when my mother did it to me when i was small, and just STOP myself and BREATHE till nothing moves within me as me as the mind.
I commit myself to make sure i calm myself down using my own breath, the breath of life which is ALL i really need to be HERE, so i just focus on my breath till i am calm and nothing moves within me as energy as the mind.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into avoidance in some way within myself or outside myself, to just STOP, take a deep BREATH and make sure i am focused on my breath till i am clear and stable and can act accordingly within that breath-moment in self-honesty.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into spite, to just STOP myself in doing so by taking a deep breath or many deep breath till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as energy as the mind, and in this whole process to not forget to touch something that is physical so i remind myself that i am here and not in my mind.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into mind participation regarding my name being used in certain/specific ways and in certain/specific voice tonality that ignite certain memories in me in order to make me have certain emotions within me in order the mind as myself to continue it's energetic existence, and i just BREATHE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind and little by little i can defuse and delete all that i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world.
I commit myself to make sure that every time my name will be called in certain/specific way and in certain/specific voice tonality to just take a deep BREATH and don't let myself get caught within the memories that exist within me that are part of the personality i have created in the past to deal with my name being spoken in certain/specific way and in certain/specific voice tonality.
I commit myself that whenever i see myself going into or about to go into character/personality act that are linked to my name being used in certain/specific way or certain/specific voice tonality to just STOP and make sure i breathe and that i am also touching something that is physically HERE so to remind me that i am HERE and not lost in my mind as characters/personalities.
I commit myself to whenever in see myself going into or about to go into to take myself personal or someone else personal to just STOP myself in doing so immediately and take a few very deep breaths till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within move, and then out from this state of nothing moving within me i walk and say whatever will be appropriate in that particular instant.
I commit myself to make sure whenever i see myself going into or about to go into participation in positive energy experiences as feelings within myself to just STOP myself from doing so by take many deep breaths till i am clear and stable till nothing moves within me as the energy as my mind, so i can move me as my human physical body in that particular moment as me, and not as my mind dictating my actions and words based on it's programming.
I commit myself to make sure that whenever i see myself going into or about to go into negative energy experiences as emotions within myself to just STOP myself from doing so by taking as many deep breaths as possible till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy that i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as the mind.
I commit myself to make sure that i never ever again think/belief that my self-created positive energy experiences and negative energy experiences are ME and that i can't STOP me of creating myself as such and whenever i see myself going into or about to go into creating myself as such i just stop and breathe till i am clear and stable and in this remind myself that i am here by touching something that is physically here.
I commit myself to no longer hide behind my feelings and emotions without questioning them critically so i can resolve them and crate myself into a human that does what is BEST for all life.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into giving myself permission to be influenced by others and then belief/think that they can emotionally hurt me or make me have feelings, i just STOP and BREATHE and remind myself that everything that happens within me as energy is my own creation, and that no-one else can create that within me but myself.
I commit myself to let go of the personality i have created within myself based on the strict manner and voice tonality my father used to call my name and make sure i forgive myself for accepting and allowing this to be created again and again within me when someone else calls my name in similar manner.
I commit myself to STOP blaming others for my own personality creations within myself, and just STOP myself whenever i see i am going into or about to go into blaming others, and just take a deep BREATH till i am clear and stable, and act out of this clearness and stability.
I commit myself to whenever i am going to or about to go into assumption of someone wanting to hurt me just because of the tonality i have heard coming out of their mouth, i STOP myself in that moment by taking a deep breath and make sure i keep focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable.
I commit myself to make sure i always remind myself to stay within and as my breath focusing on it to make sure i don't loose myself in my reactions ignited by my memories.
I commit myself to let this personality go that i have created in relation to the reaction i have had when my great great uncle have scared me with his deep and hard base voice, and make sure that whenever someone with a similar voice will call my name i will just STOP myself in going into my mind and react and just BREATHE til i am clear and calm.
Now that i see/realize/understand that i mirror myself in another i make sure to focus more what another will say when speaking my name and see if there are reactions within me coming up and as soon they do, i make sure to STOP myself and take a deep breath till i am clear and calm/stable and from this clearness and calmness/stability i act out or speak.
I commit myself to make sure to always little by little as i move myself into the direction of becoming more and more self-honest to always speak out of this self-honesty, because in self-honesty their lies the truth of me, so i open my mouth and speak my truth that is BEST for all, not just me alone or to protect me, but because it is BEST for all.
I Commit myself to stop fearing conflict/friction that will derived from being self-honest as LIFE right here, as speaking the facts as they are right here right now, no matter what.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be influenced by the positive energetic experiences as in when my name is being called in specific way or/and with specific voice tonality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that by creating positive energetic experiences within me in regards to my name being called in some manner and in some certain/specific voice tonality, i am in fact allowing within myself a personality to take over and decide for me what should be the good feelings within me in relation to my name in the form of a memory i have created myself in the past to deal with this particular experience in relation to my name.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind interpret according to what it has as memory within it to decide for me if i would feel good or not good about what i hear through/with my mind itself when my name is being called in specific manner and in specific voice tonality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind interpret that if a voice is nice and sweet and whispered it means that i can then feel good and rust the individual and all is fine, when this is not entirely so, and i should not react at all in whatever way my name should be called in whatever way or in whatever voice tonality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even interpret a worrying voice to be something that is sweet and caring and that it means that i have to react back in a sweet way back as to reward this sweet voice for using such a nice tonality of voice with me by saying my name calm and in a whisper.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see in the voice of my mother used in a sweet way and worried way in saying my name, that i can then take this experience and make a memory out of it and then use it from my mind perspective always within situations where my name will be addressed in the similar manner and similar voice tonality so i can then experience the same energetic experience of positivity i had when my mother spoke my name like that to me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself create within myself through my mind interpretation when my father spoke my name in a funny way to be the way that i will react in happiness and feeling all happy and wanted to laugh all the time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my mind with it's program with it's memories to dictate to me when i should feel happy and when not, when real happiness is in enjoyment in ones expression without harming oneself nor others as oneself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exists where parents belief most of the things teachers will say that will be against their own children and they do this just because the teachers are being seen/considered to be respected people in society, when in reality teachers and no teachers and every grown up are equally the same totally lost as the CON as CONsciousness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exist where people are convinced by their beliefs and not by facts, that their beliefs override facts so much so that LIFE as how it functions as FACTS HERE are NOT all being taken into consideration.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live equal and one in a world wherein adults like me are in various states/sections of inequality, making it appear as if it is a very BIG thing, when it can never ever exist if it was not for the equality of the participants in the inequality existence that they accept and allow to exist.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to follow the teachings and examples of what my parents showed me, as to be a ''good kid'' which was just the opposite of that which would be a ''bad kid'' in my behavior and mannerism and eventually in my living as a grownup, but yet being a good kid as i was did not make me a human being that functions as the BEST human being i can ever be that will always honor and do what is BEST for all LIFE in all possible ways.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exists where mothers have to beat or give their children a ass-wooping in order to keep them in line and obey what the mothers are seeing as ''bad'' and unacceptable that the child is doing, without ever understanding at all that they are teaching their children to copy them by using anger and fear, so the child will grow old and do the same thing, teach their children to anger and fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be one and equal with the belief in this whole world in humans that we must at all costs avoid as much as possible the bad, and try as much as we can to achieve that which is good, and reward that which is good, and that which is bad must be punished, without seeing/realizing/understanding that this is exactly what we will live in this world, a world full of punishment for the apparent badness and full of rewards for the apparent goodness, when instead i should focus on understanding how i create both of them in me and my world at large and make sure i change myself and live in a way that is BEST for all LIFE, supporting life that is in all things equally with great honor.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with my mother for beating me, and especially for not believing me when i was in all self-honesty telling her that i did NOT do what the teacher was accusing me of doing, that it was not me who did whatever she believes i did, but my mother did not hear me and i got my little ass-woop anyways for being the famous none acceptable ''bad kid.''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an character based on this particular event of getting an ass-woop from my mother when being not the one that did whatever there was done that i was accused of having done, to exist within me as me where i will use this character to ignite emotions of anger within me with loads of thoughts with their roots firmly planted into the soil of my memories to make sure i am anger in matters of seconds.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be influenced by the voice and tonality that mother used at that time to make me react and that every time someone else use my name with similar voice tonality and manner i will have the same reactions of anger.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that an outside source can change something within me, when in reality the only one that can change anything within me is myself, so if i need to calm myself down i don't need anything but myself to calm myself down, i just do it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ran away from home just to punish my parents, in this case more my mother to make them go through the experience i experienced when i was not believed and had to take a beat down/ass-woop for telling the truth.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoyed spiting my parents in my own mind and enjoyed when i had the opportunity to do what i wanted, because i was all on myself alone, i did what i was not allowed to do, which was to go near this rough ocean that is dangerous, just to show them that i can brake that rule and be against them for they have hurt me, when in reality i was all by myself in my own mind alone doing all this and was not seeing/realizing/understanding that i was busy giving energy to an creation of an energetic entity within myself that will one day become a character to deal with similar scenarios.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and guilty when my mother felt sorry for what she did to me and started to cry but not so much for her but for i knew in my secret mind all the things i did when i ran away from home and how spiteful/angry/mean i was to/towards her in my mind.
To be continued tomorrow...........................
So in this blog i am going to walk the self-forgiveness statements and the self-commitment statements i will work in the end of another blog that will come after i have written all the self-forgiveness statements that i can see on the points that i can find within myself in relation to what i wrote in the 3 previous blogs.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself delude myself in believing and following my reactions to/towards my name being called in certain/specific ways to rule over my name as so in my whole life, that i don't even live as my name but as the memory as what i have created within me of how i reacted in the past when my name was called in certain/specific way and in certain/specific voice tonality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take myself personal and other people personal in the past when they were using my name in a certain/specific way and tonality with which i created experiences of emotions within me and belief afterwards, just because i am the one experiencing them, that these are ME.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have positive energy experiences as feelings to exist within me as me as the energy as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have negative energy experiences as emotions to exist within me as me as the energy as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that what i am experiencing as positive/negative energy experiences as feelings/emotions that exist within me as me as the energy as the mind, that they are for real me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always hide behind my own feelings and emotions without ever questioning them and embrace all of what i am as the good and the bad and understand ME, so i can keep that which is GOOD, which means that which will be BEST for all living things and LIVE it as me in this world no matter what.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that others outside myself can really hurt me emotionally or make me have feelings or thoughts about them from them, when in reality, all that happens within me as energy as the mind is ALL my own creations, my own acceptances and allowances, my own self-created experiences, that i will call: '' ME ''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have seen my father and the way he called my name in a strict way to be the point of blame that i have used to create the personalities within me that will act out or react when my name will be called within a similar voice tonality and manner.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that it is my father fault that i now have a personality that i have to delete within me, when in reality, what my father was showing me was only for myself to see myself as what already exist within me that i haven't dealt with yet to resolve the issue and that it took my full permission on my own to built a personality within me, because it is NOT my father that have built the personality in me, it is myself that have done it, so how can he be the point of blame..??
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that a voice of another person can in fact do something to me, when anything that happens to me on an energetic level is all my own creation and has absolutely nothing to do with the one that is the point of blame or the one that is outside of me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful when my father would call me with his strict voice, because i then assume within me that i am going to get hurt or something, and within knowing that i might get hurt i also get angry especially when i am convinced of me not doing anything that was considered wrong in my eyes. So within this i forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my father for i believed he was using that tone of voice and mannerism of calling my name in order to make me STOP doing whatever it is i was doing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat within my mind where i will lash out to/towards my father and telling him: '' i hate you for making me feel hurt inside of me for no reason and purpose.'' to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have an internal conversation where i will talk to myself within my own mind saying:'' you see, it is always me, always me, everything i do is BAD, i cannot even have fun, i am always disturbing their peace of mind'' to exist within me as me. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a self-judgement to exist within me as me wherein i will consider myself as BAD and unable to have fun due to me being a point of disturbance for my parents when they were watching television or something and i was playing and maybe making to much noise. I realize in this self-judgement that i have written here how i within my own mind also have separated myself into two(2) personalities, that are talking to each other, where there is a personality that is behind the scenes that is being talked to and addressed as this YOU......and this personality then follow up by blaming itself talking to this invisible personality, the one behind the scene, the one that is the YOU. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a invisible personality within my own mind that i call ''YOU'' to exist within me as me in order for me to have someone or something to talk my spitefulness with, and blame myself and others as myself within my own mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where parents use punishment and reward as systems to raise their children and not common sense reasoning that support LIFE and understand of oneself in absolute self-honesty and absolute detail/specificity.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exists where parents dictate pure on self-interest and fear of survival to raise their children to be/become just like them, generation after generation, where they evolve only in finding matters and means to do this better, which results in reality in a devolution of mankind in it's participation in LIFE with each other and everything else.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where we use things as '' thoughts/feelings/emotions'' without having any idea whatsoever how it is we are creating them within ourselves and how it is possible that we are experiencing them and why it is that we on top of all this still are following them, without having any clue whatsoever of what they really are.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only look at my world based on these things called: '' thoughts/feelings/emotions'' without ever questioning them and just accepted them to be part of me and even call them ''natural'' to the human form/body/physicality, when it is clearly not so at all, because they don't exist in every moment of breath constantly and consistently as my breath and my human physical body and this whole physical existence that is right HERE always constantly and consistently in every breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my great great uncle for having me create anger and fear to exist within me as me, without seeing/realizing/understanding that he as is my father were all within their own delusions showing me what it is i myself have within me as issues that i needed to resolve like: ''fear and anger'' because i reacted in these. So within this i realize that other people in this world are always only our own mirrors for what we ourselves accept and allow within/as ourselves.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character to remind me that everyone that will talk and have a similar voice as my great great uncle i will use this character to react to/towards these people within myself the same way i reacted in the past with my great great uncle.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a voice tonality and a manner of saying my name to influence me in creating a character to defend my reactions with in order to not go through the actual confronting and facing these reactions in fact for what they are.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to also blame my father again in this situation and event, because he did not clearly stand up and really STOP my great great uncle in a clear way that what he was trying to do was abusive and unacceptable. I realized that i felt and judged my father of also in that moment having fear of being self-honest, because he knew within himself that if he would say to my great great uncle in a clear straight way to NOT do that ever again, there will be arguments and conflicts/friction coming out of that, so he have chosen to give a false laugh and say it in a easy way that he is scaring me, and not make a big thing out of it to avoid conflict and friction. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father to also be afraid of facing his own self-honesty in that moment that would have ignited friction and conflict.
So what does this little incident show me today..?? That i am also afraid of my own self-honesty just like my father. So within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-honesty when i am faced within it and i know i have to be self-honest but will wash it away and choose the safe side, the side of avoiding possible conflict/friction.
I remember my mother saying my name in a sweet way, but without that much change of her voice and way of pronouncing my name just a slight way of saying it a different way, in her voice according to my mind interpretation there is this deep worrying, like when one is sick in bed and your mother comes and tuck you in and talk to you and ask you how you're doing...?? well that kind of way. My mind interpret this as someone deeply worrying about your well being. The voice is moderate and with a little whisper. How would i react ? i will like melt and talk slowly and with a soft voice and also with a whisper. It is as if one is soothing ones own positive energy experience that is busy building up in oneself. So this one is the one that is the more manipulative one that others can use to manipulate you in order to get whatever they want from you, because whenever someone will say my name in the same tonality and manner my mother said my name when i was little and where i will react in a soft/calm way as how i felt then, this is exactly how i will react to the person whom will say my name in this similar way. As you can see we are just junkies to our mind interpretations...loll
Another one i have is of my father talking to me in a funny way using my name, and laughing a lot when talking to me, making me feel all happy, it is not as if he would change his voice, he is just being funny and make jokes and being funny. So whenever i am in a group of people or within someone using the same way of talking and making jokes and having similar voice tonality i will react the same way as i react when with my father.
I also have one as when my older sister talks to me with her sweet little voice, it makes me feel very energetic and happy inside, so whenever someone and this is especially woman, or girls speak to me in the similar way i will react in the same way i react as i react when my sister speak my name like that.
o.k. So tomorrow i will start with self-forgiveness statements and self-commitment statements that will be used to deconstruct whatever there is in me that i will find in the moment of writing.......
So here i am continuing with deconstruction of my name to free myself from the chains i have placed in relation to my own name where i have made sure to make it possible that i do not even live my own name without attachments.
This is the link from the link of what i wrote yesterday: Day 146.
So, since i have more negative energy experiences in regards to my name, i belief i will be placing more then 3 points as to work on as i wrote in my yesterday blog.
*** Now this is a time when i was in 3 rd grade or something and i have been accused by my teacher at school that i have done something when it was not me, and was not lying at all. In my time when i was growing up teachers had a lot of power so to speak on parents. Parents will belief teachers very easily, because they are for one; 'teachers' and secondly they are; 'adults' to just like my parents and probably a parent to on their own. Anyway, it is not about the teacher this little story, it is about myself and how i reacted to/towards my mother for how she reacted to/towards me. I don't remember exactly what happened anymore, but someone did something at school and my teacher believed and was convinced based on her own beliefs that it was me, but it wasn't me. I was raised to be a '' good kid.'' So if this ''good kid'' would do something that ''bad kids'' will do, i will be fucked especially by my mother, my mother is the one that gave us the beatings. My father never ever laid a hand on me/us. Now when i say beatings, i am not saying beatings like fucking you up completely, lets say for the sake of understanding: '' normal parent beatings.'' I am putting normal parent beating in quotes, because there is NOT one beating that is normal at all, it is totally unacceptable, and is for 100% NOT what is BEST for all..!! Understand that when you get a beat, your getting it out of the irritation/frustration/anger from the one that is busy beating you, and in most cases when you are small, you don't even understand what is right actions and wrong actions, and why they are right actions and wrong actions, they just beat you up, for only the wrong actions. Because this is what the world teaches, that everything that is bad/wrong/negative MUST be avoided/punished at all costs...!! So parents all over the world use 2 methods to fuck their children up.
1 st) They punish you in order to teach you something as they say, about right and wrong. So punishment is for the wrong action whatever that may be.
2 nd) They reward you in order to teach you something as they say about whatever the good thing you did. So reward is for the good actions.
These two points are what most if NOT all parents do as parents in this world, no matter what they belief, or what language they speak, or what culture they are in and part of. And exactly these two points you will have in the whole of society everywhere. In your job, in your religion, in your school, everywhere....... And when you grow up and become a parent yourself, you will do the same shit, because understand this is ALL that you know, you may vary the way a little here and there and be a little more creative as they say with the two points, but you will NOT, not use these two points at all, you see...??? This is very difficult stuff, to NOT teach children using punishment and reward..!!
Anyway, so my teacher said to my mother that i did something that she was not approved of at school. So when we reached home my mother started to question me and telling me, or worst accusing me of why i did it and stuff like that, and i kept saying that i did NOT do anything. But she won't accept it, because as the teacher my mother was also convinced without any proof, just like the teacher, only a belief that it could have been me, but it wasn't. Now this one incident in my life made a very significant change in my life to, when it comes to standing up for your point no matter what. My mother have decided that i must get the famous beat, and i did, but i was so angry at her, because she did NOT belief me when i was telling her my truth. In order to let them, thus my parents feel how i felt, and i mean emotionally, i ran away from home. I ran all the way to the East side of the island somewhere where we go with my father to fish, it is the side of the island where the ocean is more aggressive and rough so to speak. As the picture of the site below is showing here.
So the way my mother was talking to me and trying to get the apparent truth out of me, i didn't like it at all, and was the reason on top of me knowing already that i didn't do what they were accusing me of doing made me even more angry. So whenever someone will accuse me and have the same voice tonality as my mother did, that was like a little irritated and frustrated mixed with anger in it, i will react in the same way to/towards whomever that will use my name in that tonality.
So this rough and aggressive ocean calms me down a lot, i like the sound it makes when the waves are formed and when they hit the shore against the shore stones that are dangerously very sharp peaks due to corrosion of this salty see and wind blow.
So anyway this is where i ran to, to go and sit and just calm myself down, and this is also a place where i should have NOT been, or that was prohibited by my parents, because it is dangerous out there, it is a dangerous ocean. But since i was all by myself alone and i just ran away from home to punish my parents and let them worry about me, i didn't give a damn, enjoying spiting them in my own mind all the way....loll After i have calmed myself down, i went back to our farm which is not very far from this ocean, and just sit there and wait to see what will happen, it was almost semi dark when they found me, around 6:30 at night, and i ran away from home in the afternoon. When they found me, and this was the idea of my father to for them to go have a look on the farm, because my father knew i like the farm. So when they found me they were all, very worried and was asking me why i did it, and i told them exactly why i did, and then my mother felt so bad and she cried and said that she was sorry that she did not belief me and that she had to beat me. But they also say to never ever again do such stupid thing, thus running away from home. Oh and i didn't tell them about the ocean part of course.....lol
Tomorrow i will write a few positive energy experiences i have related to my name...............
I am going to look at my name and show how i am not even my name and how i live not as my name but as how i manifested reactions to/towards how i accepted and allowed myself to built emotions and feelings connected to my name when it is being used to address me. What i never realized is that i have been living in/as memories as how i reacted to/towards the other person whom spoke my name in certain tonality, and when someone else speak my name in the same tonality i will react the same way i reacted when that tonality was spoken the first time and where i created a certain personality/character within my mind for that certain/specific tonality spoken by the first person. So this means that every time my name is spoken in certain/specific way i will not just be here in breath but go into/as my personality i created within myself as myself related to the memory of how i reacted in the past in relation to how the name was pronounced or spoken.
Understand that whatever i will write about the person involved i will NOT take them personally at all, nor take myself personally, this is about resolving what is still existent in me, and i am the only one that MUST and can STOP me of creating and acting from a personality perspective.
So this is why i say i never live my name as myself, because i always live as a memory that i have created within myself to represent me when my name is being used in certain/specific way and within certain/specific voice tonality. So the point is to investigate what issue i have to resolve within/as myself that reflect back to myself and NOT to react and create a personality thereof. So the point is that when i resolve all the issues when my name is being used i will have not any reaction at all when people say my name in certain/specific way or say it in certain/specific tonality, because i have dealt with the personalities i created in my mind to solve the problem for me, instead of me/myself solving the problem of my own reaction to/towards the person. So i will be dealing with the negative energy experiences and the positive energy experiences in relation to my name being called in certain/specific way and with certain/specific voice tonality.
I will walk at least 3 points here where i will look for the energy experience/back-chats/reactions/imaginations/projections/internal conversations/judgements.
So lets have a look.
*** My first one is me remembering my father calling me in very strict way, with a firm voice, like when someone has become angry at you and they need you to STOP doing whatever it is your doing that they do NOT approve of. So whenever someone in this world will say my name in a similar manner i will react within myself with fear, and that i need to STOP doing what i am doing, but within this fear there is also the anger, and the anger is even greater then the fear, because i felt i was doing nothing wrong in order to be called by my name in that particular way, and because our parents have taught us that we as children MUST respect them, and this mean that you cannot really resolve the problem whatever it might be, because they just want you to OBEY what they will say to you, you have no saying, because apparently they know better then you. And because you cannot say what you have to say, and resolve whatever the issue might be, you will take it inside yourself and be angry at them in yourself and have back-chats about the unresolved issue, you will create a character to resolve the issue inside yourself for you, but in reality you did NOT resolve any issue at all, because the real resolving would be to talk it through and investigate with the help of the other why it is you are reacting and what is happening within you, that you have certain/specific emotions coming up within you. So now because parents in this world do NOT know this, meaning;'how thoughts/emotions/feelings are being created within themselves' they CANNOT assist and support you in dealing with yours, you see..??? This is NOT to blame our parents, because they just didn't know, nobody taught them this, no-one ever knew how they created their own thoughts/feelings/emotions. That is why we at desteni are writing, we are dealing with this, we are learning how to for real resolve the shit that we have created within ourselves and take this shit as if it is us, the personality that we belief we are...?? That is the reason why i am writing, to resolve my own stuff, and for you the reader to see/realize/understand how you can do the same for yourself, so you can assist and support yourself with your own self-created personalities. So as i move along confronting my characters/personalities and finding out how i created them, and when i created them, i can then resolve the problem, because i then understand it, i know how i created it in the first place, so i will know how to NOT create it anymore, see...???
*** the second one, i remember is i used to have a great great uncle, that used to walk with a machete and when i was visiting them on their farm and he will meet us outside in front of the door and will make a sweep movement with the machete on the doorstep and say: '' Larry..!!, you didn't do anything badly, did you..??'' And he had a very deep hard base voice, like Barry White, and with this stupidity was trying to scare me so i don't do something bad. Now if one look at this, one can see how grown ups don't know at all,what raising children is all about, because this is suppose to be a sick joke to scare me to NOT forget, that there are consequences if i am to behave badly. And i used to get very scared when he would do this, and embrace the legs of my father. My father will have a false laugh and say to him; leave him alone you are scaring him,' and he will laugh hard and stop, but the damage was already done.
To be continued tomorrow..........................
Within this blog of today i am going to write whatever jumps within my mind and forgiving myself for letting myself doing so, and also on thoughts/feelings/emotions i have not forgiven myself yet for that i might remember in this moment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed at work yesterday when i was learning to work with the machine, because i had to remember a lot of little tasks in very little time and i have to be fast to doing the tasks.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into feeling overwhelmed to STOP, and take a deep breath and continue doing so till i am clear and stable so i can do the tasks i have to do and make sure to remain focus in my breath and trust my body and move with and as my body to the work that i have to do in the BEST of my abilities.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a back-chat wherein i am angry at some politicians in my country of origin for they are unwilling to STOP and work in other way to bring real practical change to the country that benefit all equally, wherein i say to them within my mind: '' with all the opportunities you guys have had in the past for the lot of times that you guys have won elections, still as you can see thing have changed from bad to worst, so at least you can shut the hell up and correct what you have done instead of continuing doing the same shit over and over again and again.''
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into back-chat of me lashing out at politicians in my country within my mind to just BREATHE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as energy as my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have feelings of sadness a lot these days in regards to what i see happening in the world and also in regards to not be able to do nothing for those whom don't get the message of oneness and equality, that which is BEST for all, and for those whom see self-forgiveness as something that might not work or something they might not do, because they don't need to do that.
I commit myself to STOP myself having these feelings of sadness within me for those whom i can't help them help themselves and also for those whom are not wanting to do self-forgiveness because self-forgiveness is something the think/belief they don't have to do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that what i MUST do to bring about oneness and equality that which is BEST for all life in this world to be the hardest thing ever, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i just have to make sure i do what i MUST do and stick to it till it becomes reality and work as one within the group so we all move as one and stick to what we all do so we become stronger and stronger and more stable each and all together as one equally.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into thinking/believing that what i MUST do to bring about oneness and equality that which is BEST for all life is the hardest thing in this world, and just focus and BREATHE till i am totally clear and stable within myself and just do what i must do in order to bring about oneness and equality, that which is BEST for all life in this world and i will not STOP till it is done and move together with not just the desteni group but whole of existence that is also doing the same thing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger in me when i see others at work being jealous of me and even saying something that they also want to learn to work on the machines, just because they haven't been asked to do so, and are making these remarks.
I commit myself to STOP and just breathe and let it all go and keep on breathing till i am clear and stable and just do what i have to do, to maintain myself within this system and so i can support our group and ideas in the best possible way and stick to what i MUST do in order to bring about real change in this world.
So, what will it take to change the way we live with each other and with everything else is a very difficult question, and much more difficult in the practical tasks and that requires a enormous amount of investigation into what can be done practically to bring about such enormous task into this world, and into the living mannerism and behavior of the humans with/to/towards each other and all other life forms.
* What does it mean to LIVE..??:
Now this question many will approach it in many different ways, like for example spiritually, religiously,philosophically,psychologically, etc etc...........but very few will approach it as how exactly it is being done/lived HERE in this physical existence, on this physical earth. What do we need to live on this earth practically as expressions as parts of this very earth, that is our real mother, for our bodies as all that it consists of and exists as is of/from/as this earth. Many say just in empty words, that the earth is our mother and we are all her children. But yet we don't live together as siblings as one family of this mother as EARTH. We don't even understand our children-hood as the children of our mother the earth, let alone understand the motherhood of our mother the earth, and on top of all this we most of the times consider the human alone as the children of earth when we say that we are the children of mother earth, we don't include the other children as also the children of mother earth, like; ' the animals, the bugs, the insects, the trees, the mountains, the rivers, the clouds, the oceans, the oceans creatures, the sky creatures, all the bacterias and you name it, none of them are being included in being the children of earth. And when they are mentioned it is just to point out something or to give some special meaning to what one observe or what one belief and want to make it sound greater then what it really is. But Do we really live with our siblings as the other children that don't look at all like us and treat them as equals as worthy of life as ourselves..?? Of course not..!! We treat them as less then ourselves..!! And within the living with the ones that are humans itself just like us, herein to we are totally living in separation and inequality, we live in divisions. Little families here and little families there, divided through languages,religions,borders, cultures,skin colors,intelligence, thus in total discordance/separation to what siblings of a mother should be living together as, as sons and daughters of their mother. We make wars with one another, we cheat, we lie to each other, we want/wish to control one another, we abuse, we rape one another, we justify our behaviors of inequality with things like: ' beliefs and superstitions and knowledge,' but we don't care for one another at all, we don't live like siblings of one another and sons and daughters of a mother at all.
So to live on this planet as a human physical body, is to function as this body in it's utmost potentiality and give our ALL as the functionality of the body to express ourselves within and without, with all of our brothers and sisters as other lifeforms that don't look like us, or don't have a language like us, but yet are ALL LIFE expressions just like us, in the BEST possible way in each and every breath that we are HERE. As we can already see, our mother is providing all that we need to function as BEST as possible in our abilities as the functionality we have been endowed with as the human beings we are to support in our way this great expression of LIFE as earth and her creatures and in this contribute to the perfection in expression of LIFE on this earth for ALL equally, so we all evolve as ONE as EQUALS in our expressions.
* Belief systems:
These belief systems have been here within humanity for a very very long time, and as we can see, they never brought any significant change on the practical living level that will benefit all LIFE on earth equally. All belief systems are just a form of supporting the self-interest of the believers of the belief and the self-interest of the groups that will be formed out of the particular belief. So no matter what one holds as a belief, it is not practical in this world, it is not a living application, and there where it has been promoted as a living application, like for example meditation and so on, it is pure one more time, only for the individual doing the meditation, and the meditation is NOT on how one would be practical in solving the problems in this world at all, it is all about going through some experience of bliss within oneself alone and IF one get to experience this bliss, then afterwards go and talk about this experience as if this will be the solution to the practical living on earth, but as we can see clearly in this world it is NOT so at all. All the bliss mongers have contributed only to their own pockets. And no practical solution that will solve all the problems in this world.
Now let's talk about one of the belief systems that everyone is part of and taking part in, but where only some will see it and understand it for real for what it is and what it represents, which is just a belief system, and this belief system is: '' MONEY.'' Yes money is the biggest belief system and the biggest one that is actually being applied physically to do exactly what it was intended to do for those whom coined it out, or started it, and this is: ''a means to really get what they wanted/wished to serve their self-interest practically.'' This belief system was not invented to serve/support LIFE, oh no, just to abuse it and suck/consume it..!!! This one belief system is so powerful that it even affect the lives of those whom are outside of it's confine or borders, or those who are not using it at all, like the people living in the Amazon rainforest or some people living in the forests in Africa or wherever, and not to mention the other lifeforms that don't use money at all also, or anything that is made within the system of money, like the animals and bugs, and insects and nature in it's totality. And within this belief system of money we can clearly see how interconnected we all really are and how the decisions each make to participate within this system affects the lives of others on this planet either they are in it or out of it, it doesn't matter.!! So now that we have accepted the belief system of money and has integrated it into our lives so deeply that we use it to abuse and measure every decisions we make, we are going to use this belief system in another way to get us back into real practical living that will be BEST for all participants here on this EARTH.
That is why we at DESTENI have come up with THE solution to all of our problems in the form of: '' EQUALMONEY.''
Now most of the people being against the equal-money-system, is really against it for the word: '' money'' in the equalMONEY system.
Why...?? Because most know and are aware somehow that without money in this world one is screwed and with money one have a lot of power if one have more then enough of it. So they see both of the sides of the coin in the relationship we have with money, and what we DO with this money, and DON'T do with this money. And due to those with lots of money always abusing those without money, they will immediately disagree that such a system as equalmoney could ever work.
So equalmoney is to GIVE each equally the needs necessary to LIVE a fruitful and dignified LIFE while they are here on earth in the BEST possible way. What does this really mean...??? It means simply that all that our bodies are in need of and to exist and to survive on this planet, the earth as our mother is already providing it for ''free.'' I am putting FREE in quotes because it is not really free, for work have to be done in some form or another, you know like bacterias working together and nature and lots of other animals and bugs and insects to keep the system of earth going as it exist, so it is NOT free, we just say free for the sake of simple understanding. The only thing we as humans have to do, is make sure that all bodies have the required amount of sustenance/nutrients and required tools and resources to live on this planet as human beings in the BEST way possible. And for the animals and plants we just make sure,that when we see that there is something not well with them we can assist and support them in the BEST possible way, because the bodies of the animals are much more superior then that of the humans to survive on this planet, so they on their turn can assist and support us by being what they are that play a role in the whole system of earth, which is the ECO-system of earth. So equalmoney is NOT about MONEY as one may understand money now from the point of view/perspective of what money represents in this world and how money is being used in this world. It is a form of real support to all living beings on this earth, whether humans or otherwise, it is about THE SUPPORT of all expressions of LIFE on this earth in the BEST possible way so each expression can express themselves in their utmost potential, wherein each expression will grow and expand themselves in their own expression together with all other expressions to the point of perfecting their expressions in detail and specificity, and where each expression honor the LIFE in them and as them by their very expression without bringing any harm to each other. Of course in the initial stages of the equalmoney system we will be doing whatever it is necessary in our best abilities to bring as less harm as possible to the animals, but the reality is we will still have to eat, so when we do eat the animals, we are going to make sure to end their lives in a way that will not cause pain or trauma, till we perfect ourselves in ways where we will not need to eat anymore to sustain our bodies, but this will take many many generations before we arrive at this point. But for the initial stages, putting them to sleep and then take their lives to sustain ours is one of the methods we can use that bring less harm and trauma to the animals.
Of course much and much work have to be done in cleaning all the mess we have placed in the oceans and rivers and soil of this earth, that have poisoned a lot of foods that we and other lifeforms consume. We are looking here at a worldwide cleanup that will take many many years.
So understand one more time, equalmoney is NOT about money as you understand money, it is about the SUPPORT of all LIFE here on earth in the BEST possible way. A support system that values LIFE in all things as the MOST valuable thing ever that exist and that supports everything for their very existence. LIFE itself IS the essence and VALUABLE support system in the equalmoney system...!!!
Now for those whom doesn't like politics, i know why you don't like it. It is because the ones you vote for never do what they promise with beautiful words that they will do, and they never include YOU in their decisions when they make decisions on your behalf. You only have something to say only once, and that is when you place your one vote on one of them, that is about it.!! That is the only moment that your vote will count, and then when they win, the rest of the things that will detrimental to your living everyday they will never ask your vote again on them ever, all the things that are meant to be designated as public policies. You won't even get to see what the public policies will be, let alone having a saying at all in all of it. And this is what the promotion of democracy have come to, nothing else but trying to manipulate you with lies of what they are going to do, but when they win with your vote, don't do it at all, but make sure that they themselves and their families and close friends are covered and protected within the system. You, you can continue rotten up by yourself.
So this politics stuff will be the one point that we at desteni will have to take on, to implement an equalmoney system, and we ourselves will have to do it, we will have to become leaders for awhile to bring this system about in this world, because all of the so-called: ''leaders'' in this world have already proven time after time, again and again their ineffectiveness/incapability/unwillingness/inefficiency to really bring about an actual real practical change to the tantamount problems created by us humans in this world. So we are going to have to stand within and as politics and make sure to bring about this system that will truly FREE us all that are HERE in whatever form to express in our utmost potential as what we are as particular individual forms/expressions of LIFE.
We humans are the problem, so we humans MUST solve it to, as we are the creators of the problems so to MUST we be the creators of that which will be the solution to...!!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: ''ooh, let me smile and have a laugh so they think/belief i am being polite and hearing them'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: '' I am going to be nice to all of them here so they can learn that making problems is not the way to go'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: ''the fucker is going to make me do more physical hard work now for sure, damn you see, i knew it'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: '' i don't think what he is showing me here that i can do it like that, because i am not left handed'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: '' fuck it, i am going to let this one pass me by for now, but i will return one day to STOP this bullshit of abuse'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: ''o.k.
you belief in this stupid system that it is even working and that it is
going to get better..?? Well wait and see, because that is all you are
already doing anyways waiting to see what will happen, and when it will
happen you will just wish you would have done something'' to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
Self-commitments to life on the points:
I commit myself to STOP myself in whenever i see myself going into or about to go into laughing or smiling from the perspective of pleasing others or to be polite to them, so they don't think/belief i am not hearing them or comprehending them at all if i do not do so, and just take a deep BREATH and make sure i keep on focusing on my breath till i am clear and stable and from that clearness and stability to then act or interact/communicate.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into being/acting nicely to avoid conflicts/frictions with other people and just STOP and breathe, making sure i continue breathing till i am stable and clear and then from this point of awareness communicate and/or take action.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into judging people whom are in higher positions, because of my memory i have of them abusing me and wanting always to take advantage of me or others, to just BREATHE and make sure i am stable and clear and also making sure that i am touching something physical that is right here to remind me that i am here.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into getting irritated with people bossing me around and telling me how and what i should do according to how it will work for them but not for me, and just take a deep breath and make sure i continue focusing on my breathing till i am stable and clear.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into inferiority complex in relation to me knowing that i am a wage-slave as everyone else and therefore unable to really stand up within the system as it exists now alone by myself and make a change, and take as many as possible deep breaths till i am clear and stable and let it go,and just do my part of what is best within the limited confines i find myself in right now till the opportunity arrives where i will be able to really stand within and as the system to bring forth the necessary changes that will lead to a world that is truly BEST for all LIFE.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into or about to go into superiority complex because i understand that this system is as good as done and will never ever get back or get out of this mess that it is, and will just continue with it's slow dead, till all in it suffer sufficiently to then make the decision to stand for all LIFE, and breathe as many breaths as possible till i am stable and clear within myself and from this clearness and stability stand and act and communicate.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself seeing falseness in others to immediately take into myself and ask myself the question what this is trying to show me within me so i ca work on the point that will appear within me as reaction or thoughts or whatever, and from there work on it to defuse it and delete it within me as me.