Saturday, 23 June 2012

Day 66, My Craze With Women's Legs. Full Version.

Within this writing i am going to do self-forgiveness on the part of a woman's body that i like the most and that attract me the most always, even when it is covered i can still see by the shape that is formed that the leg will be nice or not..?? I wrote in a previous post already what i find sexy about a woman, but because i see i still have reactions when i look at the legs, i must continue digging to see what else comes up within me in relation to the legs of woman as a decoy.

Self-frogiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''fall'' for a very clean slippy looks of legs of woman.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find the shape of how the legs look like to mesmerize me into a mind-fuck.

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be tempted by my own definition of what i will perceive as sexy as in the legs of woman i see, as depicting in the picture above. only to be used as what is already as a void within me to crave for what is of me as self-hate and self-unworthiness to transform that into the opposite as in self-love and self-worthiness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to almost give in to masturbation, just because i connect sexy legs with sex and the beginning/starting-point of where i will work my way up till i reach the cave of wonders, looking to get my energetic fix that will lead to me experiencing my release point and get my only point within myself that i see and experience as self-value/self-worthiness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to fall pray for my own ideal of igniting myself into thoughts that will produce an urge within me, where i will slowly but surely try and manipulate myself into masturbation just to fill in  the void that is more then what i will experience as an release in a moment as the point of orgasm, which will make me seek and seek more and more of it, because when i am not having it, i feel empty and void.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how the link to this whole ideal of legs is in reality behind the scenes is that, as i was in a conversations with my friends, i saw that i was addicted to the release itself of the energy built up within the body.

So, here a moment. So why do i find in legs of woman, and i mean specifically legs that look like the ones in the pictures i have placed here above, they can also have more meat on them, but the shape and the smooth look will do it. So why do i use this cover-up mind delusion to fuck with myself...??

 

 The memory is: Me liking Sexy legs..!!

Memories related to legs:

    Watching legs of woman on t.v. when i was a kid and find within me an energy rush, as something i have never seen before and it looks beautiful, why would i like this as a kid...???  Not having anything done sexually yet, but yet liking it, like an arousal. I mean how do i know within me as a kid that this is beautiful or not, when i never saw that before, i had no knowing of sexiness or what a sexy leg can do to a man or whatever.

 

Relevant points within the memory:

1)  woman legs on t.v.

2)  being aroused when seeing the legs on t.v. as a kid 

without having any sexual experience ever before that moment.

 

What is the reason to hold on to this memory...?? 

 

The reason that i am holding on to this memory is that it gives me a reference point, of the only memory i have of WHY it is, that SEX is so engrained within me.

 

Self-forgiveness on the memory: 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connecting a memory of me liking sexy legs to the thought:  

'' Watching legs of woman on t.v. when i was a kid and find within me an energy rush, as something i have never seen before and it looks beautiful, why would i like this as a kid...???  Not having anything done sexually yet, but yet liking it, like an arousal. I mean how do i know within me as a kid that this is beautiful or not, when i never saw that before, i had no knowing of sexiness or what a sexy leg can do to a man or whatever. '' 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to holding on to the thought of me liking sexy legs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to the memory of woman's legs on t.v.

I forgive myself  that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to the memory of being aroused when seeing woman's legs on t.v. as a kid without having any sexual experience ever before that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for holding on to the memory because it give me a reference point, of the only memory i have of WHY it is, that SEX is so engrained within me as to make me decide to choose only for sex as a means for release.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to connect the picture of legs of woman to be used later on for my addiction on my RELEASE, the letting go off what i have been accumulating and compounding within myself as energy built-up, as what is called: ''suppression''

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how my masturbation point or even SEX point is in relationship with the outcome of the release i have been building up within me, from and as my mind as using thoughts as to move the hidden  memories within me to surface and then i will live out that surfacing of memories that laid deep within me as projections outside myself.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the release as the purpose in ''feeling good inside'' which is NOT what is outside, outside there is nothing to feel good about, the energetic release is the only point in my life where i ''EXPERIENCED'' a sense of life having any purpose and meaning for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use pictures as on t.v. or in magazines or real pictures when seeing woman in real life with beautiful legs walking by or sitting somewhere to be having an impact on what i will use later on to create the necessary energy to compound within me so i can reach my point within myself of RELEASE and give into my ''feeling'' of life making sense and having a purpose as in '' experiencing good feelings'' through either having sex or by masturbating, whichever of both that will  make it possible for the release point to be experienced in that particular moment.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the self-hatred i have within myself for i feel i am not doing enough as myself in this world as when it comes to giving unconditionally, as like there is this void, that try as i may, i can't find it and it makes me ''feel'' frustrated and angry at myself for i can't find within me the point that will work for real for myself and how myself will function within this world.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of ''love'' as it is in the system, because this love was never here for me, i never saw this love in myself and in my world at large in anyone i have been in contact with, the only love that i thought love would be like if it is to be experienced was when i engage in sex with woman and i make them come and become all wet where they loose themselves and become all vulnerable as in a moment of being innocent.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret love as to be like this only,where i can get woman to be loosen up and becoming innocent in the moment of having sex with me, so i can in that moment with them go through what i would belief love should be if was ever real constantly and consistently, when after the release of the experience of the feeling i will be back again to reality where this ''love'' that i experienced is absent, not present at all, not in me nor outside of me in my world close to me or far from me.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to use the ''sex with woman'' as a means to get myself to experience what i am unable by myself to give to myself, because i don't have it within me, without ever knowing that i was looking for that which was not real, and that the only way is to use my own physical body to make it ''feel'' like it is real, but then when i am back to reality i will get a guilty feeling and a feeling of disgust and sadness and anger for i am NOT having what others appear to be having as what they call: ''love''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that to attain something as a feeling within me will give me value and worthiness, when value and worthiness is absent within me without me having the release through sex or masturbation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that if something that i have to look for first and then in order to get it, must not be real,for it is not there for me to give it, so my point of ''getting it'' is in reality my fear of me knowing that i am trying to make an illusion to be real, when i know that what i am seeing within myself is not here as what i go through throughout my days. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Be angry at myself because all along i already knew my own truth of not feeling anything really for real, that it was just a lie i lied to myself to fit in the system where lies are valued and are worthy, because if i were to be whom i am inside the system and with the people in the system, they will reject me as i am NOT in alignment with what is accepted and allowed within the system, so within this i forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and feel unworthy of myself because i gave in and did not stand as my own realization i had in my life as trying to justify and spite my own truth of me knowing silently that what the world is telling me of love is NOT here in me, and that i have to squander my life in pursuit of this thing called ''love'' that i am not and makes me angry at myself and shameful for i have given my power away to something that i know is not here in me, nor in my world at large,and that i have to with effort try to make it real.

Whenever i see myself going into my mind regarding whatever that is to do with sex in any ways, I STOP      and I breathe.....and bring me back here where there is only me as breath as my physical body one and equal, so i don't participate in my own mind delusions.

I commit myself to through my writings,self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to STOP myself in participating in my own mind delusions where i will justify them as real and try to protect myself as within these justifications that are NOT who I am as LIFE here.

I commit myself to and through my writings and self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to look within me for more points as to why it is i am trying to justify what i know within myself all along cannot be true as the who i am for it does not exist within me as me, and that i have to make it real in order for me to just ''experience'' it as IF it is real.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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