In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Day 58, Why Do You Like Me.?
I have been asked this question a lot in my life, especially coming from woman i have been in relationship with. This question they ask you when they start not trusting you, or they ''feel'' like you are not ''loving'' them as you used to. and they wait for you to have a very good answer. I most of the time lied of course, i just kept it simple, look for the simple things i liked about them and say it in a very nice way, manipulative way, to say it as it is. But they won't notice, they will translate it in their minds as me being nice and romantic. I was never the flower type of guy,because to me, i wanted to give them a gift, that will last longer, but not something that will die, waste of flowers if you ask me...lolll
now understand women of this world, those of you whom are asking your men this question, that we already know that you're looking to find within our answer your own trust, meaning; '' you want to know if YOU can trust the man, depending on the answer he will give you'' So we will just play along and find within our memories what it is that you always liked when we were saying to you what we liked about you in the beginning, and we play along with it, throw some new words in and decorate it a little, make it sound nice and all polished.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate woman i have been in relationship with, when i was asked of them to answer their question regarding what i like about them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT in those moments to talk about and question them why it is they wanted to know that, and relied on my assumption and believing and thinking that my assumption must be right.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT tell the truth about how i really felt within myself and have chosen to lie, because to lie i won't have to face the consequence of my own truth.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in a way with others without really being with them, and even when they did see it and it made them ask me the question: '' why do you like me'' i didn't stand up and took my responsibility for own life and for theirs and correct myself, because i could also see that i was living a lie. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take my responsibility to/towards life, and trust myself as life and do what is BEST for life even if it could've meant loosing the relationship.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to because of the FEAR of loosing the relationship opted to lie about what i truly ''felt'' and what i truly ''thought,'' because loosing the relationship was not an option.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i feared being alone/out of a relationship and have chosen because of this to lie so i can continue being in a relationship and not being alone, because being alone meant: '' NO MORE SEX..!!! ''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having sex anymore to be influential in my decision making in regard to telling it as it really is, because telling it as it really is, could mean the END of the relationship and the END of SEX for a while.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT wanted to tell it as it is because of knowing within myself that i would not want to go and look for another woman again, because to me in this world this is like something very exhausted to do, to find someone who matches you, in the sense of the two of you working together, it doesn't happen that often and you don't often get someone like that. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at relationships in the form that it is being seen in this world and NOT as being in a relationship with another and the working to/towards that which is best for life, their lives individually and for the relationship and for all life outside the relationship in the best way possible that support and assist themselves as life and all other LIFE equally so, and within this grow and expand and learn how to really live practically with each other in always doing individually and together what is BEST for all LIFE, and assist and support each other in this.
I commit myself to through my writing, self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to show that we don't have to lie to protect our own lies, but have to be self-honest with ourselves no matter what, other wise we will accept and allow dishonesty to exist in our lives and in the lives of others to in this world, and out of this we will live as dishonesty instead of living as honesty with each other, and hence a world where we can trust each other can really exist, because in a dishonest world there is never trust, and where there is no trust there is WAR.
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