So here i am starting with the first dimension regarding this point.
In my previous post i left some points that i need to work on and i have given a little explanation about how i see/perceive/interpret these points within and as myself.
I will place these points here again as the problems with their explanations and in so doing start with the deconstruction from the first dimension i will take on, which is the Fear-Dimension.
**** Passion: Now this is related to sex, when and as i see a woman i am with and she is totally ingrained with the excitement to move herself to have sex in a slow motion kind of way, as in building the stamina to a state where i know from experience will get herself totally aroused and where she will let all the brakes loose and where nothing matters but the two of us in that moment engulfing in all the touches and kisses and body fluids as in a form of out of control but yet still in control as meaning: '' following the flow of the movements in the moment.''
**** Beauty: within this i see beauty as in every thing she does, whether it is the way she smiles, the way she close her eyes when i am kissing her, the way she lower her voice as i will perceive it as she is ''giving in'' into the moment of being together, this beauty has nothing to do with specific how she looks, but more with how she is in a moment or all moment as she moves herself.
**** Lust: kissing, caressing, touching her body, making sure that every inch is being given attention, following the movements within me and try to figure out what she might be going through when i am busy with her, breath changing and becoming long and heavy, slowly but surly getting into faster motions to eventually in the end reach an orgasm. Now this orgasm thing is a major point on my behalf, that i will have to work on/out extensively, because i can see within me that i have programmed myself to really LIKE orgasm, i have become an orgasm junky, thus in reality meaning: '' energy sucking vampire,'' in a sense.
**** Softness of skin: She has very soft skin, and when i touch her skin i feel as if i want to touch it forever, like wanting to really really feel the touch of her skin when i am touching it, i can go one forever just doing that, it is like amazing, everywhere i touch this softness is there, thus the softness of skin is for me a way to explore the touch to the skin.
**** Color of skin: I LIKE white skin-color and she has just that, white skin-color. Now because of this it generates even more energy within me, it is just because i have gotten what i wish/desire/want when it comes to the color of the skin of a woman, the so-called: '' happy feeling.''
**** Softness of voice: Now this point is also a major problem for me, because when she speaks she has a very soft low tonality and that gets me all the time, sometimes if i don't pay attention to my breathing i can immediately get aroused by just hearing her speak whatever. So this softness of voice is again another point that i have programmed within myself for me as a point of getting myself worked out as into becoming aroused, because it signifies passion in a woman to me according to my own self-created beliefs, because of the experiences i have had with other women in the past with soft voices.
**** fear of maybe/possibly not being able to get to the flow of movement when having sex and been seen as incompetent.
**** fear of me nor her being totally aroused and thus the sex will not have much of an significance.
**** fear of if she does not move herself the way she moves that i perceive as being beautiful, i may loose interest what i see as beauty in her.
**** fear that without the lust the sex will NOT be great.
**** fear that if the skin is not soft as i want/desire/wish for it to feel like, will make me less engaged in sex with her.
**** fear of loosing grip with reality by focusing too much on the color of the skin as the value i have given it and what kind of reactions i accept and allow it to have within/as me.
**** fear of if the voice does not continue being soft i might get not interested enough or aroused enough and due to this treat her and her body as not so much valuable when it comes to sex.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the fear of maybe/possibly NOT getting into the flow of movements when having sex with her, because this flow of movements as one in a sense indicate to me that i am making the right moves, thus in this without me noticing i am NOT expressing sex but instead performing sex.
Therefore, I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how i was deluding myself into thinking/believing that i am being one with myself and another as myself during the act of sex, when in reality it was just a play, that i think/belief i have to do it the right way as a highest standard i have placed for myself to reach in the moment of having sex with another.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how i do sex and NOT about actually/factually/practically move as my body as one as equal in the act of sex itself, thus that sex is the whom i am as a physical movement in that moment, my expression.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that arousal as i understand through the mind is what i necessarily have to have in order for me to engage in sex and really give it my all, and thus fearing that if that is not to happen that i will not be giving my all and also in relation to another as myself if i do NOT see this arousal in her, as i interpret/see/view it, that she will not be totally engaged into the sexual intercourse.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a method through arousal to engage in sex, thinking/believing that this is what i have to be or do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that beauty lies in how i perceive it through my mind as how i interpret her movement.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will lose interest in her if her movement that i interpret through my mind is not there anymore.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only regard my own self-interest to what i like/wish/desire/want from her or what i perceive/interpret through my mind that i have to like or not like as a belief system/value system that in reality is NOT based on what is BEST for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see/interpret/perceive/view LUST as something i have to ''feel'' first in order for me to have sex, and in so doing thinking/believing than that sex have to do with performance and thus NOT with EXPRESSION of two bodies coming together to express themselves as One as Equals, thus wherein EACH are expressing themselves totally as the body they are through/within the expression as SEX.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that if her skin is NOT according to me what i wish/desire/want it to be feeling like as the softness of the skin, will give me enough a reason for me to NOT engage fully when having sex together with her.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Fear not feeling the softness of her skin as i perceive/interpret it through my mind as i would like it to feel like, will make me lose interest in her and by this then NOT engage fully when having sex together with her.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place skin-color as a means for me to like women in this world, or to find them attractive because of this, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i am in every moment i do this separating myself to all the other skin-colors that are HERE and thus valuing them as LESS then the one i have given value that suit my own self-interest BEST.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing grip with reality if i am to focus too much on the color of the skin that i have placed value in and also the reactions i have accepted and allowed to exist within me to validate and strengthen my own Self-Interest.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let her voice to influence/trigger reactions and feelings within me as how i will behave in specific moments and how my body will also react to what i have placed as value within me in order to get energized as in this case becoming aroused.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let fear influence me as in how i should hear her voice in certain/specific way and if it is NOT so that i might not be interested or aroused enough and due to this, treat her and her body as NOT so much valuable when engaging in the act of sex together with her.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place interest and arousal to link to her voice/softness of her voice in order for me to have sex with her and value her and her body, without seeing/realizing/understanding that i am reacting on preferences i have placed as values within myself as what i will accept and allow in order for me to be more deeply engaged sexually, when NONE of this is what expressing oneself as sex is about.
When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into performing sex together with her, instead of expressing sex together with her, I STOP-------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE and make sure i continue focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that i am having sex with her through how i perceive it to be like in my mind and thus therefore i think/belief that i have to perform, which means that i have to do it as how i see/perceive/view it in my mind.
Therefore, i commit myself to do self-forgiveness in the moment immediately out loud or in written words when i will be engaging in sex together with her in the future, and to also communicate to her that i will be saying STOP to myself if i see myself trying to perform when we are having sexual intercourse, and that i will then have to NOT continue till i get rid of this mind delusion, and than from there pick it up when all is clear to start the learning process of EXPRESSING SEXUALLY.
When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into just DOING sex, I STOP------------ take a deep breath or as many deep breaths as possible till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that i just do sex, instead of expressing myself as sex as one as equal as my whole body with another as myself as one as equal.
Thus within this, I commit myself to make sure i dedicate myself to NOT to DO sex anymore, but to really investigate and learn how to EXPRESS ME AS SEX, as the whom i am in a moment with another as myself as one as equal as this is what i have never done before in my life, thus that i also give myself the opportunity to be patient with myself and understand that this will take time and that it's NOT something that will come easy, because all i have ever been in my life was just a personality superimposing its own way on to its own body and other bodies and this whole reality that are NOT based on that which is BEST for all LIFE.
when and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into being aroused as in energy movements within me, I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and Earth myself HERE, and make sure i continue focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that the arousal i experience/go through is energy based, and NOT my own REAL decision in moment of breath as the whom i am as the living human body.
Thus within this, I commit myself to write out and investigate this point within myself and if it comes up again, to say out loud to myself: '' STOP,'' in order to make sure that i take my directive will to NOT participate in energetic movements of my mind, and if this point does not clear up i just refuse to engage in the act of sex, and work on my self-forgiveness and my corrective statements till i come to the point that when i do have sex with another as myself i will NOT be aroused anymore as getting myself charged with energy movements within me.
When and as i see myself using fear through arousal, I immediately STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that behind the energy of arousal i am using another energy which is Fear in order for me to keep my personality intact and in directive principle.
Thus within this, I commit myself to investigate more deeply this energy as Fear that i am using that is behind the other energy as in arousal to keep my personality as how i have created myself to be/become in this world alive by using self-forgiveness out loud or in written words and make sure to make practical commitments to myself that i can live practically for real in order to get rid of this fear.
When and as i see myself going into my mind interpretation as how i perceive beauty to be through my mind as how she moves her body and that if she does not move as what i have found beautiful about her, i fear i might lose interest in her, I STOP----------- and i take a deep breath or many deep breaths till i am clear and stable and i am sure that nothing is moving within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that i have deluded myself to fall for what i see/perceive/view as beautiful about her, as in how she moves and than use fear that if she changes her way of moving herself i might lose interest in her as means to make sure i stick to this paranoia.
Therefore, I commit myself to little by little and with the commitment to my writing of self-forgiveness and my self-commitment statements to life, to get rid of this paranoia, to dedicate time to myself to make sure i root it out completely so that when i am with her no matter how she moves i won't have any reactions or feelings within me, so i can just express myself with her as myself as my human physical body one and equal HERE.
When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling LUST in order for me to than have sex, or wanting to have sex, I STOP-------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that having sex or wanting sex based on LUST is energy within/as my mind.
Thus within this, I commit myself to little by little to work out this LUST point within myself in my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to LIFE till i am completely devoid of such energy within the mind, and when it comes to lust in a moment to just say out loud immediately: ''STOP'' and just do not engage into the act of sex when i am experiencing lust or i am aware that i am about to have sex with another based on lust.
When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into thoughts/beliefs about the softness of her skin in the future, to immediately STOP------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE and focus on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.
I realize that i hold on to this thought/belief about her skin feeling soft to me, because it is a point that i have accepted and allowed within/as myself to be of significance when i am touching a woman's body, and that gives her body more value according to myself as what i think/belief a body of a woman ought to be feeling like all the time.
Thus within this i commit myself to make sure in another time to communicate with her and ask her that i am going to touch her body and describe to myself exactly as far as best as i can in that moment what my hands or lips really feel like touching her body or skin in order for me to get in touch with what is factual and NOT what i have as a belief based on memory that i have implanted/imprinted within myself in order to just look for that particular experience that i once had that i liked, and this matter make sure that i stay HERE as to what is actually/factually/practically going on and if there are any reactions coming or any memories to immediately in that moment to do self-forgiveness out loud or in written words, till i am clear and can engage in the real practical aspect of touching of the physical bodies.
When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into letting myself get carried away by her skin-color that triggers some memories/feelings/reactions within me to immediately STOP------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that i let myself get influenced by her skin-color just because i have programmed within myself that this specific skin-color is the skin-color that i will find attractive to me in this world as for the woman i am willing to be with, and due to this through this programming then ignite all kinds of thoughts/reactions/memories/feelings that will validate and strengthen the attractiveness more and more.
Therefore, I commit myself to investigate immediately when any reaction/thought/memory/feeling come up within me connected to this specific pattern/point so i can than STOP myself in that moment that i am going through it and investigate it immediately and NOT let myself go through it and to do self-forgiveness in that moment out loud or in written word to release myself from further mind-fuck, and if there is some new point that open up that i haven't investigated yet in regards to this specific point, i can then take notes and work them out later when i am alone to more specificity and detail to really root it all out, so i won't be triggered any more in the future to have energy movements within me.
When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into letting myself get influenced by her voice as how i behave, or how i fear that if the voice is not in specific way, or it is not bringing me to a point of arousal--- to immediately STOP,--------------------- take a deep breath or many deep breaths till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that i deliberately choose to let myself get influenced through her voice, because of me wanting to go through the experience of ''feeling good'' within me and getting aroused because of this and then as a polarity to balance the whole pattern i create the fear within myself to fear loosing all these reactions/feelings i experience within me so i can keep the whole pattern alive and kicking in me.
Therefore, I commit myself to work out in self-forgiveness every time i go through any reaction/feeling in relation to what i let myself be triggered through her voice, so i can find it within me to investigate it more deeply and specifically till it is NOT part of the whom i am anymore, so i can EXPRESS myself in a moment with her as myself as my human physical body/form One and Equal HERE.
Now that i have identified the specific points/reactions/feelings/memories/thoughts that trigger me to behave in certain/specific way, i can STOP myself in the moments i see myself in them or when i see myself about to let myself get engaged in them, so i become aware of my action and take my Self-Responsibility for my actions and make sure i then move myself to act in the BEST interest of both participants in that moment, and if there are points that are persisting, i can now see them much easier and work them out when i am alone in order for me to correct myself in my daily living application.
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