But anyways, she asked me yesterday what it was I once told her about what it would mean to be a real Christian?
So I repeated what I have told her before, but in her voice, because it was a voice message she sent me I could hear that she was maybe talking to someone about bible stuff and could not remember what I told her and I could hear the anxiety in her voice, its like she was explaining something or trying to explain something and said something to someone but now can't get herself out of the thing and became nervous, at least that is what it seem as I find, but of course it can also be something else.
Anyways, I listen to that voice message many time that night, and I kind of like felt sorry for her. This is point number one by the way...lol
So that night when I went to bed, I had a dream about the whole thing and in the dream I went to her house and was talking to her and trying to make as much sense as possible as I can, and I was holding her and was wanting to kiss her. I remember like having a enormous positive energy experience in my chest area and wanted to kiss, but she will keep on telling me to not yet, she is afraid of doing that, but the no seem as if she is saying know but yet also does not free herself out of my arms, she kept on being in my arms, and because of this from my point of view, she wants me to kiss her but she is just not sure and maybe even though she is saying no, probably want me to take some action and just kiss her anyways. But eventually in the dream I decided to not kiss her, because I know that she told me she doesn't want to start anything with no-one and I did not want to force her or better yet, manipulate her to divert from her decision, just because I am attracted to her, so I just hold her and even slept in the bed next to her just holding her close to me, because I "felt" that is what she needed in that moment. I also remember in my dream telling her to not to worry about my erection, because it is normal for me to have a erection when I am attracted to a woman and I got close and things seem to go into that direction, but it doesn't necessary mean that because I have an erection we have to do something, because after awhile if I do not respond on the erection it will eventually go flat, and she said, o.k.
So now before I continue with the deconstruction of this dream I want to point out for those whom may not be familiar with dreams and that dreams are actually ourselves. With this I mean that everything in the dream is oneself and/or what one perceives about oneself or others as oneself. The judgments one have about oneself or about others. Thus dreaming about someone else has nothing to do with the person that one is dreaming about in fact, it is all to do with one's;" dreams/desires/wants/wishes/fears/memories....etc etc..." The memory of the person in the dream is just the trigger-point ones mind itself uses in order to start the whole production of energy on the going.
I will place here the points I see about myself that I am aware I need to deconstruct these points within myself:
** The desire I have to be with this woman
** Wanting/desiring to kiss her lips
** Believing that I can save her from whatever she might be going through emotionally
** Wanting/desiring to have sexual intercourse with her
** Feeling enormous positively charged energy within my chest area/ solar plexus
** Feeling great respect to/towards her about keeping my word to her
** Having this enormous patience to just wait till she comes to her senses
** Desiring to protect her in whatever way I can
** Feeling sorry about her, that she gets put to a challenge by others
So these were the points that may appear to be about her, but are actually my points I have to workout about myself within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even though I am aware of what she told me, to still desire her in a way, just because I am attracted to her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that just because I am attracted to her give me some reason or validation to have a desire or want within my mind about being with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my desires I have to/towards her are all my own desires and are energetic in nature and are telling me that I am in separation with actually really getting to know her, because I have desire in front or between us, thus not seeing/realizing her as she is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within myself this little feeling of positive energetic experience I have whenever I talk to her or is in her vicinity, but yet try to not let myself completely go into the whole feeling and understand it and turn it around within myself and use it constructively to/towards myself and to/towards her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat: " This, woman if I will be with her, I am going to make sure that she will be the last woman I am going to be with on this planet within my life-time that I have left on this planet."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see her as the one that I was waiting for all of my life, without having any idea of what she would want with me or not or even if she would even want me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get sabotaged by my own mind without seeing/realizing and understanding that even though I am very much grounded when in her presence or in her vicinity or by just talking to her and I am comfortable with myself with her, still I let little energies rise here and there and do not work on them all the time, till I am just here grounded/ stable as I am when in her presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire very much to be with this woman, instead of actually really just be here grounding myself in really really getting to know her exactly what I am aware I must do, because no matter what I do I am aware that I am stable and comfortable around her or in her presence and this is a great support for me within my process from consciousness to awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/want and desire to kiss her lips many times, but I do not say it, but it appears within my mind as thoughts and also as fantasies accompanied with pictures of me kissing her lips and experiencing her lips to be soft as I believe they must be feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/desire and want to have sexual intercourse with her, just because I am attracted to her without seeing/realizing and understanding that my sexual desire/wish and want is energy fluctuation within my mind and has nothing to do with practical spending time with her and really getting to know her and also in no ways validate my attraction to/towards her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still want to interpret my attraction to/towards her as because I am attracted to her means that I also must have sex with her without seeing/realizing/ and understanding that there are more to her than just someone I am attracted to and also would want to have sex with, even though I am aware that within myself she means much much more than a woman that I would want to have sex with above all, because when I first met her sex did not appear within my mind neither when I was in her presence, I actually really enjoyed just being with her in fact. Thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my sexual desire to try and manipulate myself into trying to sabotage myself into turning the attraction into something else and as if this something else is of more value than actually what I am aware of when I am with her which is being comfortable and grounded within and as myself when with her and actually really really wanting to get to know her for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be patient waiting for her, because I believe that this has something to do with respect when in reality I am aware that real respect is about treating and living with another as equals as life practically right here and that the only thing i have to be patient about with myself about her is just embrace patience itself, living it as I am waiting for her, because in actuality I am waiting for myself and project it to/towards her as if I have to wait for her, but in reality it is me that have to move and learn what it means to be patience here in this physical/practical world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret and still have the ancient believe that a man needs to protect his woman or prospect woman he is with or can be with, without seeing/realizing and understanding that I am in that moment actually validating just a old construct of believe system about relationships within my mind and using her just because I am aware I am attracted to her, thus silently trying to push this believe system through my own mind for me to fall into old relationship patterns I as of now did not workout yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that she needs to be protected and that I am the one that needs to protect her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am feeling the desire to protect her gives my attraction to and towards her more value as if I am telling myself that if I do not have the desire to protect her my attraction to her means nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that attraction and protection of the one I am attracted to have something to do with me measuring the value of being with her or as if this make a stronger bond.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I feel sorry for her that that will make me somehow care more about her, when in reality it is just an energy experience as emotion that I allow to arise within me in order to built on it to sabotage myself into falling into old relationship habits of having feelings about another, and driving me away from what is actually real, which is me being comfortable and stable when with her.
I forgive myself that I haven't seen/realize and understand that feeling sorry for her has no actual practical support to her in this physical reality and that if I really want to support her as best as I can I must be practical and physical and in fact here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that by feeling sorry for her gives me more impetus to find her even more attractive without seeing/realizing and understanding that I am within my mind trying to sabotage myself into moving from what is real and here to limiting myself with energy, which needs to be generated and produced by my own body in order for it to even be within the sphere of my experience.
Will be continuing with more in the next blog.........
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