Day 336, What happens when I am not moving, and I am stuck.

I am going to have an honest look for myself about me not moving, by this I mean; I am aware of it, and I know what I have to do and also how I have to do it. Now when it comes to the actual doing itself, is where the problem lies.



                             

So, when I ask myself the question: "Why are you not doing what you are aware you MUST do?''

Now first thing that popped up in my mind was like looking for ways to find an excuse, or a good enough excuse for me to avoid telling myself, that you just DO IT!

What I noticed within me when I ask myself this question too, is that I experience an energetic movement within my solar plexus, and with this energetic movement an idea pops up within my mind giving me the impression that I just have to sleep this out.

So when I ask myself this question I can immediately see that I move myself in my mind trying to avoid at all costs to make myself do what I am aware I must do in order to change myself once and for all completely.

Then within this I get this urge to want to watch a movie, but the wanting to watch a movie appears within my mind as a scam, meaning; I am trying to convince myself initially that I am going to watch a movie for the purpose of enjoying it, but more so to learn something about it in order to put my take of common sense perspectives into writing later on, of which of course will never happen. I end up watching a movie seeing all the points I can see, but yet not taking any notes, and eventually I finish watching the movie without the so-called purpose I gave myself to convince myself that I will be doing something valuable in relation to my process. But as I can see here, this whole watching a movie urge came from finding another route to avoid myself engaging in working on myself. When in the process of watching the movies I can see how my mind moves and connect dots about other movies I have seen and also information I have gathered, create like a whole scrapbook scenario within my mind about the connecting dots, which of course I always enjoyed doing, but yet again; I do not do anything with this. So within all this I can see how I am actually looking at all the potentials I have to create things, but yet again when it comes to the actual doing I back down, I give up or give in.

So, I am going to present here for myself and of course for you the reader what goes on within my mind during this scrapbook thingy. The reason as I mentioned this happens is because I can see that I am trying to convince myself that I can do this, and that I have certain very cool talents that of course I never use, I am just telling myself that I do. So in this way I have something to use against myself in order to trap myself into avoiding taking my responsibility to/towards myself and others as myself.

I have noticed throughout my life that my mind works at best with certain picture or animation form for me to remember things, you know; like some people are good in remembering numbers or sentences and words, well I am good in remembering stuff with a picture presentation of whatever I have seen.

Now before I continue with this I like to point out that the way I am writing this in this specific manner is for me to work it all out later on in the blogs to come in regards to this specific point.

So let me move on to write down what I see in my own mind during my process of watching movies.
Bear in mind that all I will be placing here even though it may not look like it relate to the topic of my post, trust me it does, because throughout the years I have been working with my own mind I have seen/realized and understood that my mind is like a box with lots of scrap papers that look like a bunch of stuff that are unrelated, but yet what I miss is that they are all scrap papers, thus related.

When most movies start at the beginning, one will see what company is presenting the movie and afterwards what company is producing the movie and these are accompanied with some symbol of some sorts related to the specific company. Now most of the times the symbols will breakdown or morph into something else or detached themselves and get back on together. I have always find this very fascinating and I keep asking myself how they can do that. Now when I ask myself this question I find myself in my mind trying to look for ways as to what kind of programs and specific software would be needed to create such effects. So within my mind the effect of flashing and morphing of symbols and words accompanied with sounds/music throw me into a fantasy world of wanting to be a story teller using these kind of effects with animation or symbols as is being used in movies. I find this way of informing people about something very effective.

The movie starts, and there is along the way in the beginning music accompanying the whole specific scene that is being presented. So when this is happening, depending on what specific melody the music is playing, I within my mind can couple the movie scene with another movie scene I have seen in the past and also with some memories I have about something I found very important that someone said and that I placed it there within my mind to work on it, and I start getting ideas about how that would come about and what I have to do to bring to fruition such undertaking.
Immediately within this thought process I start to also tell myself that this would be such a huge undertaking, because I do not want to use copied stuff, I want to make my own, something I created all by myself, but yet because I do not have the know how I crack myself down, and never in these thought processes I will tell myself to find out what goes on behind the scenes how can one learn all about creating digital animation that would capture the people attention and give them an impression of what goes on within my mind as how I see things. Thus I have been carrying this thing for a long time as to how I can be effective in letting people SEE how I look at things within my mind for purposes of exposing how the mind works.
An interesting thing that happens also is that when watching the movie, depending on what mood the movie is giving as impression I shoot off images of past recollections of moments I have spent with people I was or have some relations with either known individuals or unknown individuals and sometimes with the images I will have an remembrance of what I felt when interacting with these specific individuals. Lets say, that this individual had some unpleasant body odor, I will only remember and experience within that moment how I felt about getting the body odor through my nose that I will be finding unpleasant about this individual.
Throughout the movie my mind will keep on using scenes as platforms to engage within my mind into specific memories and also bringing up ideas that may look great watching them through my mind, but that will never be implemented by myself.

So that was a bit about what goes on in my mind when watching movies, but of course much more happens, in that moment itself that I will not put here, because it will be too much to place here if I would go into the specific as in how I look at scenes that had shot mistakes.

So, now how is all this related to my topic one may ask?

Very easy, it is because all of it falls in the category of distracting myself into making sure I do not move and do what I must really do.

Tomorrow I will be starting with the deconstruction in relation to this point in self-forgiveness statements.


Thanks.


Larry Manuela

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