Thursday, 6 July 2017

Day 386, In the moment Self-forgivenesses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea, a feeling that there is nothing I can significantly do in this world anymore to bring a change in this world, that will have a result that would practically be what would be best for all life, because I have given up within and as myself on myself, without seeing/realizing and understanding that as long as I have not forgiven all and everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I am just mind fucking myself into believing there is nothing I can do anymore to bring any significant change in this world.

.................................................Now before I continue, I just woke up and had a " bad dream."

So I will be working out this " bad dream" because it is HERE.
First of all, if you are new reading this blog, I want you to understand that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in one's dreams is oneself. Other people, buildings, roads, animals, plants, skies.......EVERYTHING is oneself. Why? Because it is one's own Memories. If someone is dreaming for example about their sister or brother or mother, it is not them that you are dreaming about, it is you that you are dreaming about. How you have placed them in your mind, your judgments about them, your memory of for example how they look like to you, etc..etc..... However it is all you and not them as many people believe. Many people have the believe that when they are dreaming about a person, that they are really dreaming about the person in fact, like its as if the person was in their dream and it has nothing to do with themselves, like the person is taking part in their dream, like the person is visiting them in their dreams to tell them something or help them through whatever it is they are dreaming about in their dreams, or that the person is in their dream just being there as a companion,to complete the cast. However it is their memories of the person or how they have placed that person's looks and images they have made of him/her and hold on to it in their minds, is what they are dreaming about, using these images to try and make some sense of a story in their minds that most of the times does not make any sense at all anyways, because one keep on jumping from place to place and from scenery to scenery in one's dreams. The movie is playing out using these images they have accepted and allowed from others, known people and unknown people, things one can remember one did see in ones real physical world and things one does not remember one saw in one's real physical world. Thus dreams are always all about ME! what occupies my mind, what my fears are, my deep seated fears are, what my judgments are about people and things, what kind of believes I still have in the depths of my mind consciousness system. Very important too is that everything is in reverse. Thus one have to have a look at it as in reverse.

I will be placing in written words all of what I can remember about the dream and then start working it out. What is also very important is to really try and remember how I felt when dreaming the dream.

The dream:

I was in the dream, kind of like a detective. I say; ' kind of,' because I am not sure if I was a detective or not, it appears that I was one.
We went into a very old, scary looking house, like the ones one see in horror movies. It was me with two other colleagues. We went into the house, because we were looking for a mother that was abusing her 3 children. We went into the house and got into a room upstairs, where we found the mother about to do some sacrificial ritual to one of the children. All the children clothing color was pink/rosy. So we handcuff the mother and also all the other women that were there and we took the children in our arms and started to leave the house. As we were leaving I got this sense about me and I turned back my head to have a look at what I was sensing and my eyes fell on a door that was next to the room we went into to take the children from, it was a little bit open/at a crack and was larger in width and length, but I could still see inside and that there was complete darkness behind it, and there was like a dark-green blanket placed over the door. However I could sense that there was someone looking at us. So I decided that I was going to trick this person to see if there is any movement. So I did as if I was also going away, leaving the house, but yet calmly and quietly as I could be, return to see if there would be any kind of movement behind that door that would satisfy my gut feeling that there is someone watching us from behind that door. Thus as I peaked from behind the wall, I saw the door was fast closing, but it slowed down as whomever or whatever noticed I watched it closing it, and then I sensed that whatever was behind that door, was not human. Thus I decided that I will just leave. ( Here I felt a little fear, not as much as fear of what is behind the door, but more like fear of being taken by this thing that was behind the door without being able to leave/free myself.)
So when we got outside I looked back and was trying to find some odd windows, that I thought would belong to that room, and just as I thought there were two little windows, kind of like exactly in the middle of the house with white painted bars around them. So I looked directly into these windows and made a gesture with my hand by raising my arms as saying to whomever or whatever is watching, that: " I will be back for you soon, don't think I will just leave you there." And as soon as I was doing this, suddenly a little bit outside of the yard, but yet still very close to it, a tower like structure as from old palaces started to come out of the soil/ground and it had two large eyes on it, and the eyes were looking very angry at me. I started running, because something told me, it was time to run. My two colleagues just watched me, they did not run and just stood there looking at me run away. As I was running ( by the way, in this part of the dream, I am on a familiar farm road, country side, from the island I was born into) and there was like a tongue breaking the soil/ground following me, like roots of trees, but yet a tongue. I could see that I could not outrun this tongue and it was poking me all over, but was actually trying to grab me to give me a good squeeze. In other words, it wanted to squeeze the life out of
So in this very moment I had an idea, very fast of course, because I did not have much time and could not outrun this tongue, so I must outsmart or at least try and outsmart this tongue. So I decided that I will run into a very heavy/closed group of Cane Cholla cactus  
and go around them and through them in order for the tongue to get these cactus on herself and maybe stop chasing me. As I was standing there, about to go through the Cane Cholla Cactus, my dream abruptly ended. It was the end and I woke up.

So now the working out part.

first I will take all the words or sentences representing something about me to me:

**1) Being a detective or not?
**2) Old scary house, like in the horror movies
**3)  Mother(women in particular) doing ritualistic things to small children.
**4) Children dressed in pink/rosy colors clothing
**5) Sensing being watched
**6)  Darkness behind closed door, opened only at a crack.
**7) Dark-green Blanket over door with darkness behind it
**8)  Fear of being caught and not being able to leave, thus being caught in this darkness.
**9)  Two small white painted bared windows
** 10) Having a gut feeling as if I had to go back to look for whatever is behind that door
** 11) Palace like structure with a tower coming out of the soil/ground, with two large angry looking eyes on it
** 12) Running on familiar ground for my life
**13) Tongue following me, through and beneath the soil/ground, like roots of trees.
**14) Fearing being squeezed to death
**15) Not being able to outrun tongue, maybe outsmart it
**16) Decide to go into Cane Cholla Cactus to outsmart tongue, something that could hurt it, pinch it, so it may leave me alone.

Now up to the working out of the dream.
I will start at looking at each point I have chosen that have some significance about it to myself.

Point number one. **1) Being a detective or not? This not being sure if I was a detective or not in this dream signifies to me, that I am not investigating myself properly, I am not paying attention to details about who and how I am in each moment I am here. Thus being a detective or not, is a choice I have, or more a decision I have to make to investigate, introspect myself better. Give investigative perspectives about myself, about who and what I am in each moment.

Point number two. **2) Old scary house, like in the horror movies. This signifies in my dream a house that looks like it is not being taken care of in proper matter. This is in relation to my own human physical body. My judgment about it. Meaning; ' I am not really treating my body with respect, and that I need to give my own body attention on all levels. The reality is that I fear my body and see it as something scary, something too much to handle, when in reality the way I see my body is just an opinion I have about it, it is not scary at all in. It is my opinion that is of and as something that is scary, thus I have scary opinions.

Point number three. **3) mother( women in particular) doing ritualistic things to small children. Now this part in the dream have to do with some news I watched in real life about children being abused by adults through dangerous ritualistic offerings, to satisfy whatever it is they are believing in. However to myself the dream signifies that the care of like a mother cares about her children is what I need to live within my own life to and towards my own children and all children in this world to make sure that what I have given to the future generation can be used to build a world where life is the number one thing of real value for humans and is basis for all decisions about everything and that care about all life equally becomes the norm.

Point number four. **4)  Children dressed in pink/rosy color clothing. Pink represent feelings of lust with sensual undertone. This tells me about me that when I judge that a woman posses what I think is like an innocence of child I am more prone to experience feelings of lust for that woman, with deep sensual undertone.

Point number five. **5) Sensing being watched.  This originate from a fear within of being watched or believing that one is being watched when one is aware that one is not doing that which is best for all. Life is watching every moment what I am choosing. Am I choosing life that is best for all, or am I choosing that which abuses life.

Point number six. **6)  Darkness behind closed door, opened only at a crack. This Darkness represents life, in this case, my life, that I only see very little of it, as I only see about it in common sense, I am not it yet as one as equal as all as me. Now because there was a dark-green blanket on the door, it means that my personal development and growth to/towards my life needs to be worked on by myself to reach into  that darkness of life within and as myself.

Point number seven. **7) See last sentence above, at point number Six.(6)

Point number Eight. **8)  Fear of being caught in this darkness and not being able to leave. This represent my fear of actually living life as equal as one with and as life itself. I fear living myself as life, and that if I go in there I will lose myself, however this " myself" as of now that I am is just a character in a mind, and not me as equal as one as life here. Thus what do I have to do? Go into that darkness!!

Point number Nine. **9) Two small white painted bared windows. This represents to me that there are some small embarrassments and disgusting things I want to keep hidden, and keep on watching myself, knowing that the answer is in that darkness, the place that is not a place where I am just here and see all that is here as what is best for life or not.

Point number Ten. **10)  Having a gut feeling as if I have to go back to look for whatever is behind that door. This means that I am aware on some levels of myself that there is where I need to be, in the darkness of life, as life, something that I fear, but yet because of everything being in reverse it means I should not fear this darkness, because there is where my answers are, there is where I can be just HERE as life is here as all as one as equal as everything.

Point number eleven. **11)  Palace like structure with a tower coming out of the soil/ground with two large angry looking eyes on it. This again is me trying through my mind to make myself as much as possible to try and fear more and more going into and stand one and equal as this darkness of me as life. These two large eyes, are my mind trying to tell me it has eyes on me and it is angry at me trying to go into the darkness, not wanting me to go in, which of course in reality mean for myself, that I have to ignore the mind and go in.

Point number Twelve. **12) Running on familiar ground for my life. This again signifies that I am trying to run away from that which is should actually run to and not away from. the running on familiar grounds, are representing points I am already familiar with within and as myself that I am using to avoid myself looking within the deeper dark dimensions of myself.

Point number thirteen. **13) Tongue following me through and beneath the soil/ground, like roots of trees. Deep seated words that break through to me, breaking through my foundation and are the words I need to get to the root of my characters/personality, the main one. Thus I should follow it, look for it within my words and deeds to root out this character/personality.

Point number fourteen. **14)  fearing being squeezed to death. This again is my mind with its personality fearing being squeezed to death. Thus this imply that in actuality and or reality I should give to myself that which I fear. I should give life to my body to my beingness, and stop giving life to my mind consciousness system, stop feeding it. This obviously happens when I use the tools of  self-forgiveness and self-honesty rooted in common sense introspection.

Point number fifteen. **15) Not being able to outrun tongue, maybe outsmart it. Here I am having a decision problem, not sure what to do, however in reality it means I should not outrun the words nor trying to go into an ego, wanting to be right within and as myself against myself, but instead embrace myself as I am now to more understand myself and from out of that understanding gained create the best version of myself that does what would be best for all life.

Point number sixteen. ** 16) Decide to go through Cane Cholla Cactus to outsmart tongue by trying to hurt it, to pinch it, so it may leave me alone. So here again I am trying to do everything in my power to avoid the words of the tongue that I need to hear from myself to workout the points within myself that are necessary for me to be HERE.

Will do actual working out of these point through self-forgiveness in the next blog.


Larry Manuela

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