In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Day 67, Blank Point.
Now here i am looking at myself as in the mirror of myself to see within me, what it is i am missing, i am not looking at. I have come to a point that is like i am not able to see why it is existent within me, and this ''why'' is eating me alive so to speak, because i am trying to much to see the why, when i know it must be hidden as in my subconscious mind level where i am now not yet there to see how it came to be there. For clarity let me explain what it is. I have reached the memory of me as a very young kid getting sexually aroused, not exactly at what age, but for sure way before i had any conceived or influenced idea about SEX and what sex is or was all about, but yet find it difficult to see how and why it is i am not able to see beyond that point, thus what is there within me that made me even as a kid without having any experiences before in no ways whatsoever but yet to get sexually aroused by looking at woman and the parts that are related to sex on their bodies. WTF is it..?? I can honestly say: '' i have no idea..!!!''
Now i have a son. And i can remember a few years back, this was in 2007. I went with my son and daughter back to my island of birth and we lived there for 2 years, before i came back here. Now at the time we were there, my son was only 2 years old. He could barely talk. Now here is the thing that happened that i found very interesting and that is related to what i am going through right now. We were at the beach and there were girls there swimming,and there was this one girl with a very nice body, i mean perfect body, everything was in place. As i was at the time looking at her ass, because i liked her ass, how it looked like, and i turn and i looked at my son in the buggy, and he was looking at the ass of this girl to, and i mean REALLY looking as in starring at them. And then he turned and looked at me as i was looking at him and he said to me in Dutch with a big smile on his face looking at the ass of the girl and looking back at me: '' lekker hè papa..??'' this means '' sweet ain't it papa..??'' I was like perplexed at this, i mean i didn't taught him that, and he is just 2 years old, how the heck would he be knowing that asses like that would be sweet or not or nice looking or not....??? So i can see in my son, that he to already have this thing about sex within him without outside influences that could have made him become like this, it is like he was born with this liking for woman already and not just any woman, those whom look really attractive to. And now that i am writing this i remember to, that when he was just a baby, he always liked it a lot being carried around by woman with big breasts, if a man will hold him or a woman without big breasts will hold him, he will cry, and one can see how his eyes were looking at the breasts, now at the time we were laughing at this and saying: '' look at him, just a baby and already knowing about titties.'' But now it is not funny anymore, when i have reached a point within myself where i cannot remember how and when exactly and especially why i, just like my son now, and he is even more advanced then me, have this sex thing in us to be so dominant. Like we were born with this drive to look for woman to have sex with, it's like in the genes. Now this is very disturbing to me, because i am at a place of NOT seeing how am i going to do self-forgiveness effectively on something that i cannot yet see, that looks like it is beyond my capacity to remember, i need to know this starting-point. Now that i am grown is very easy to see all the sexual experiences and movies and pictures and all of that, but when i break it down and come to that one point where it all started before i even had any picture or movie or experiences is where the things get difficult. Because just like my son, he was not influenced by me or television or porn or mother and father fucking and kissing in front of him, nothing of these things that will make him become like this at 2 years old and even when he was a baby. So the same goes with me, the only thing is i can't remember at what age i started exactly, but i am sure it must have been way before the age of 8.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dragged by my pursuit to try and look for the starting point of sex being so dominant within and throughout my life, where it was the most important thing ever on my mind always.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understood that the relationships i have formed within my life regarding woman and friends i never valued them as emotionally as important because i didn't really have this ''special feeling'' for anyone.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' as if because of me not having these emotions/feelings as like i see or perceive it to be in others, made me think/belief of/in myself that i was NOT ''normal,'' that i didn't fit in, in the norms of society and norms of family and culture, and in this tried to fit into the norms, and it was only when i had sex with a woman and i experienced the bliss, the release, that i could translate that as what others must be experiencing when they are so-called: '' in love''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret being ''in love'' as in getting to experience the release when having sexual relation with a woman, and then lived always looking for this release and when i could not find with a woman, i will give in, into masturbation to get to the release point anyways.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT have the emotion and feelings within me as what i perceive and interpret what others might be feeling within them for my mother, for my father, for my sisters, for my son, for all the girlfriends i had in my life, but yet i care.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that just because i am not into this whole emotional stuff when it comes to relationships with people made me NOT ''normal'' and an outcast.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have more feelings of emotions for a dog i had in my life then i ever had for human, and saw within myself as someone who is not ''normal'' for having more emotions to/towards a dog, then i have it for my mother, my father, my sisters and all people that i have been in contact with, with people it is just nothing, i don't feel the things they are talking about or presenting as if they are going through some ''nice'' emotions to/towards each other.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that when i am without these emotions and feelings that i was still HERE breathing, never realizing that what is truly important and of value i was not seeing at all, which is my own breath and my human physical body, but fell pray to give in into my own thoughts/feelings/emotions the mechanics of the mind as if they are what is of value and not that which is my breath and my human physical body that really are life supportive in every moment that i am here, even when i am unaware as me as them one and equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to those whom are close to me that i felt love for them and all the stuff that goes with it, when in reality in myself i was not feeling nothing or very little, that i would say must be love, the only ''feeling'' of love that i experienced that was very close or maybe even more intensive then what the ones people are talking about, was when i was having sex with woman, only then.!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as ''not normal'' in society and hence hide myself under the facade of pretending to ''love'' playing out behaviors i watched in others as they move and act from t.v., movies, magazines, and life presentations in the form of people that are in love with each other, when they are in the so-called: '' love bliss.''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief my own lie of me trying to act out a feeling/emotion that does not exist within me, and in so doing fearing within myself the consequences of someone finding out that i am not like them when it comes to emotions/feelings in relation to relationships with people.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that if i don't get to feel the feelings everyone is talking about my life would mean nothing, so within this when i got to experience sex and i get to the point of release that is like bliss to me, i was immediately hooked forever more, because i translated this as MY own real experience of this ''love'' everyone is talking about, that i didn't experience without the sex in ''normal'' human interactions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed because i cannot find the starting point within me as in where exactly it was that my sex drive was activated.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as a kid to be aroused by images on t.v. of woman dancing and showing legs.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to from that moment of activation of my sexual drive as a kid, i have then little by little been accumulating and compounding my sexual preferences and drive based on that one moment of activation as a innocent kid watching woman dancing and having fun on t.v.
I commit myself to show trough my writings, self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to STOP myself in participating in my mind for looking for an answer when i am not at that point yet where i can see how i created myself as that, so i let it go, and focus only on what comes up within me that i can remember and do self-forgiveness on them, till i can reach that point where i will be able to see how i created me to be what i am today.
whenever i see myself going into judgements/reactions/validations/thoughts/emotions/feelings related to what i cannot yet see within myself with clarity........I STOP........I take a deep breath and ground myself back here within and as my breath and my human physical body and make sure i am touching some physical manifestation to make sure i am here and not in my mind.