In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Day 72, Yes Sex Again.!!
Now here i am as i told you yesterday talking about this SEX drive of mine again, that is going to take a very very long time. It is NOT about how long it is going to take, but HOW I am going to tackle it, deconstructing myself as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world.
Now in the current system as a man, having lots of woman for himself or lots of woman interested in him, is like a great thing for the man, but when it comes to reality it is really an abusive thing to man himself and the women that are interested in him. Now you may probably ask, but why is it abusive..?? It is abusive because it is energetically based interests. Now what do i mean with this is the following: '' our minds need energy for it to continue being within and as the body, and men/women looking to fuck each other is ONE of the many forms that the mind rest upon to ensure it's survival as energy.
So now let me move to my little BIG problem here, which is SEX...!! I have a few woman whom are interested in me, and of all of them there are a few of them that i really like. Now the problem is this. I know about the mind stuff, and also know that to start anything from the perspective of energy, with this i mean that one starts with all the nice stuff, all the nice feelings, all the butterfly in the stomach that the woman go through.................................all of this is the MIND in action, making the body produce the energy till one are full of energy and will look for the energy release, and that will happen when the SEX happen and one reaches the Orgasm point. Then the mind will be all in bliss, but this cannot continue for a long time, after a few weeks already one will notice things starting getting ''normal'' and here is where the mind will suck energy again( in the form of arguments and disputes and disagreements), because both partners are going to notice behaviors and mannerism about each other they did not see/noticed when they were on drugs( feeling good inside as love), or sometimes they do see it, but the energy is too much already in the body and the butterfly wants to land on a flower......loll....., so usually one will get into a relationship and get fucked and then in the middle of the relationship will start to ''want to get out of it'' And all of this is because one didn't really took the time to know the person inside and out to see if being with such person would be such a good idea and if both would be effective in living together and be an example as what it means to live as what is BEST for ALL LIFE, i mean to really support and assist each other in becoming this human being that truly cares for all LIFE...!! As many people in the system know, no-one in the system looks for a relationship where they will be living in preparation of becoming human beings that will always do what is BEST for ALL LIFE. It is in the system all about what ''good feelings'' i will get out of the relationship with another, so the relationships in the system are all about how ONE FEELS about another as the starting-point, which is energy-based, and energy has a beginning and an End. For more clarification i will suggest to listen to this interview with Anu: Experiencing Life VS Living Life. Big Difference between the two, as many of you know we are now as the mind only busy with experiencing LIFE and NOT living LIFE..!!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a man whom will ''love'' to be with a lot of woman just to experience SEX.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even when i am NOT with any woman, still use my mind as in creating images and pictures in it where i live within my mind as having a lot of woman, when it is only in my mind not in real physical reality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling of missing physical touch, because physical touch is what i like the most in sex, i like the cuddling, before and after sex, and i like all and everything that has to do with touching and all of the parts of my body that i use for touching to happen, so within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make physical touch something i can turn into energy instead of just letting it be what it is, as just physical touch as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a junky for physical touch, as for physical touch in the form of getting energy experience out of the touch,especially when it comes to SEX.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i was sabotaging myself and manipulating and drugging my own body as in body-touch, as in using all of the parts of the body for the purpose of just touching to transform it into an experience that will lead to an energy fix, as in the form of a release that will be called: ''orgasm''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i was using what is really precious as physical touch and turning it into nothing as in the energy release that will be gone to feed my mind as the energy machine that it is.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for woman, just because now i wish/want/desire to have this experience of being touched physically.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect ''wish/want/desire'' to that which is physical touch, which is real and turn it into a seeking for a energy release in the form of an orgasm.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever be HERE in the moment of me touching me and me touching another as me, but instead use and manipulate me and another as me to get to the experience i will get inside of me when i start with the touching which i have managed to train myself to be good at it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to train myself as my body to be good at touching just because i found out that through touching itself i could in the long run get more energy fixes from the woman and from within myself. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body as in training it to be a junky for me as the EGO to get it's energy fix.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even when sometimes were in sex and in touching had a slide realization that touching is more then the energy release itself, i still chose to shove it away and remain in continuing looking for transformation of the touch into energy, instead of letting myself go completely and be just touch as me as my body with another body all in and as one, in and as touch alone as my body and her body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to now that i am putting the fire out as the energy junky i have become in manipulating my own body as in being a junky for touching, i am going through a lot of resistances and also lots of attractions that can lead to this physical touch that i am addicted to as a junky for me to get my energy fix in the form of an orgasm/release.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that it would be better for me to go through a real physical sex encounter as to see if i can be just touching as me as my body as being here, and not as me trying to get an energy fix in the form of an orgasm/and release. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in the desire of wanting this so much that i would do anything to just get it over with, to go through the experience of having sex and physically touch and being touched.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to trust myself if i will be able to just physically touch and be touched without having energy rising up within me. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of myself as energy as the EGO personality i have become in this world, because of me fearing me as the EGO not being able to do that, instead of me taking my directive principle and be here in breath and touch myself in breath and let myself be touched in breath one and equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate myself into believing that i can do touch now with a woman without getting an energy rush within me touching and being touched.
I commit myself to go through teaching myself into touching me as me, as within and as my own touch and leave the energy rush out, and embrace me as myself within my touch and accept my touch as me, and not as me manipulating me, and within this i will use my breath, to STOP myself when i see myself going through energy built ups when touching me.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into reactions as in needs/desires/wants to STOP myself and take a deep breath and continue breathing till the rush is over and little by little help myself in becoming more and more one and equal with me as my body, which i am now far from being one and equal with and as.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into participation where i will manipulate myself and others and STOP myself in breathing and make sure i am physically touching something physical to remind me that i am HERE.
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