In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Day 146, What Is There In My Name: Larry..?
I am going to look at my name and show how i am not even my name and how i live not as my name but as how i manifested reactions to/towards how i accepted and allowed myself to built emotions and feelings connected to my name when it is being used to address me. What i never realized is that i have been living in/as memories as how i reacted to/towards the other person whom spoke my name in certain tonality, and when someone else speak my name in the same tonality i will react the same way i reacted when that tonality was spoken the first time and where i created a certain personality/character within my mind for that certain/specific tonality spoken by the first person. So this means that every time my name is spoken in certain/specific way i will not just be here in breath but go into/as my personality i created within myself as myself related to the memory of how i reacted in the past in relation to how the name was pronounced or spoken.
Understand that whatever i will write about the person involved i will NOT take them personally at all, nor take myself personally, this is about resolving what is still existent in me, and i am the only one that MUST and can STOP me of creating and acting from a personality perspective.
So this is why i say i never live my name as myself, because i always live as a memory that i have created within myself to represent me when my name is being used in certain/specific way and within certain/specific voice tonality. So the point is to investigate what issue i have to resolve within/as myself that reflect back to myself and NOT to react and create a personality thereof. So the point is that when i resolve all the issues when my name is being used i will have not any reaction at all when people say my name in certain/specific way or say it in certain/specific tonality, because i have dealt with the personalities i created in my mind to solve the problem for me, instead of me/myself solving the problem of my own reaction to/towards the person. So i will be dealing with the negative energy experiences and the positive energy experiences in relation to my name being called in certain/specific way and with certain/specific voice tonality.
I will walk at least 3 points here where i will look for the energy experience/back-chats/reactions/imaginations/projections/internal conversations/judgements.
So lets have a look.
*** My first one is me remembering my father calling me in very strict way, with a firm voice, like when someone has become angry at you and they need you to STOP doing whatever it is your doing that they do NOT approve of. So whenever someone in this world will say my name in a similar manner i will react within myself with fear, and that i need to STOP doing what i am doing, but within this fear there is also the anger, and the anger is even greater then the fear, because i felt i was doing nothing wrong in order to be called by my name in that particular way, and because our parents have taught us that we as children MUST respect them, and this mean that you cannot really resolve the problem whatever it might be, because they just want you to OBEY what they will say to you, you have no saying, because apparently they know better then you. And because you cannot say what you have to say, and resolve whatever the issue might be, you will take it inside yourself and be angry at them in yourself and have back-chats about the unresolved issue, you will create a character to resolve the issue inside yourself for you, but in reality you did NOT resolve any issue at all, because the real resolving would be to talk it through and investigate with the help of the other why it is you are reacting and what is happening within you, that you have certain/specific emotions coming up within you. So now because parents in this world do NOT know this, meaning;'how thoughts/emotions/feelings are being created within themselves' they CANNOT assist and support you in dealing with yours, you see..??? This is NOT to blame our parents, because they just didn't know, nobody taught them this, no-one ever knew how they created their own thoughts/feelings/emotions. That is why we at desteni are writing, we are dealing with this, we are learning how to for real resolve the shit that we have created within ourselves and take this shit as if it is us, the personality that we belief we are...?? That is the reason why i am writing, to resolve my own stuff, and for you the reader to see/realize/understand how you can do the same for yourself, so you can assist and support yourself with your own self-created personalities. So as i move along confronting my characters/personalities and finding out how i created them, and when i created them, i can then resolve the problem, because i then understand it, i know how i created it in the first place, so i will know how to NOT create it anymore, see...???
*** the second one, i remember is i used to have a great great uncle, that used to walk with a machete and when i was visiting them on their farm and he will meet us outside in front of the door and will make a sweep movement with the machete on the doorstep and say: '' Larry..!!, you didn't do anything badly, did you..??'' And he had a very deep hard base voice, like Barry White, and with this stupidity was trying to scare me so i don't do something bad. Now if one look at this, one can see how grown ups don't know at all,what raising children is all about, because this is suppose to be a sick joke to scare me to NOT forget, that there are consequences if i am to behave badly. And i used to get very scared when he would do this, and embrace the legs of my father. My father will have a false laugh and say to him; leave him alone you are scaring him,' and he will laugh hard and stop, but the damage was already done.
To be continued tomorrow..........................