In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Day 135, Going Out.
So yesterday i went out after a very long period of time, i was totally devoid of the night life.
My younger sister have organized a farewell get together thing for my older sister for us with some few friends of hers to just go have some fun with each other, because she is leaving in 2 days back to the island. She was on vacation here.
So the first thing that i saw, that stroke me as fucked-up was, that there were children in the streets late at night, and i mean you can tell that they must be something like between 13 and 14, Not older then 16. I find this strange and really fucked up if you ask me. I was thinking to myself; 'what kind of parent will allow their children to be in the streets late at these hours, they are suppose to be at home in these kind of hours.'
Then we went into a cafe, where they are playing music and the cafe was full, it was like one of the cafe's where the ambient is popular. But then i saw lots of these children there, and you can see that they are too young to be there, they are NOT 18. So how the heck is this possible..??? A few years back this was NOT possible at all to have young teens like 14 and up to 16 being in cafe's. You have to be 18 years or older.
As i was standing there in this full cafe i didn't notice that i have chosen to stand right in front, a little to the side of the girls toilet, and the traffic of girls going in and out all the time was very busy, and i kept reminding myself to keep on being in my breath to not loose myself into mind delusions, and now and then, more times now than then, some girl will pass too close to me either going into the toilet or coming out of it and their hands and arms will touch mine and sometimes even their boobs will rub against me for them to pass me by, standing there on the side of the toilet door. Very hard time i had there, i was getting in and out of breath, but most of the time i manage to stay in my breath, but i can tell you the first few moments were hard, it is like a total new experience for me to have a look at myself and everybody else from ''being in breath'' perspective.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exist where young teens are in places doing things that they do not really understand yet and having no responsibilities at all at to what extent they are busy fucking their own lives by drinking and drugging themselves up almost every weekend and call it having fun.
I commit myself to show the young teenagers what this going out is all about in reality and also show them how they are busy creating outflows of consequences for themselves and others as themselves that they may not even come to meet ever in their lives.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a little rush/excitement going through me as the women were walking pass me and touching me and rubbing their boobs against me.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into my mind to STOP and take a deep breath and make sure i remain in my breath to not loose myself within and as my mind, where all kinds of assumptions will take place and internal conversation as ''what if's '' will pop up.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to for a moment loose myself in my mind and wonder off in memories of how i used to be when i was in my period of going out regularly and ''hunt'' for the females to have sex with.
I commit myself to little by little to delete these memories that are still in me through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life regarding my personality traits i use to have as my ''sexual horny personality'' which mean that i have some more points to consider and to work on to delete this personality that exist within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity of going out to ignite some feelings within me regarding my past, when going out meant a lot to me, just because of one thing and one thing only, and that is: '' SEX.''
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into my mind or about to go into my mind and to look for memories of what i used to be and do in the past to just STOP and BREATHE, to remind myself that i am HERE as my breath and as my human physical body till i am stable and clear and nothing moves within me as me as energy as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to almost wanting to give in, at the moment the ladies were passing by me and rubbing their boobs on me, like i wanted to say something try to hit on them, to see where that will lead me, just because i know or worst, judge their behavior with what i already have experienced in the past with ladies when they are in this ambient of partying and having fun and looking for hookups.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into my mind or about to go into my mind to remind myself to STOP and BREATHE and make sure i am touching in this case my own hands so i don't get distracted/out of focus and loose myself within and as my memories within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in the presence of so many woman, and that i interpreted my vulnerability as temptation to try and give the woman the fault of being or looking so attractive, when it is all just me within my own judgements about how they look and present themselves in my eyes/view.
I commit myself to STOP the feeling of vulnerability that i hide behind as an excuse as if i cannot do nothing with my desires of what i see within and through mind and then act as if it is tempting me, when in reality when i am here in breath all that is happening is just me within my own mind as myself all alone with my own vulnerability and tempting beliefs as myself within myself, and so within this i make sure i just BREATHE, and continue breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still be attractive on an energetic level to white females as this is a pattern that i have accepted and allowed throughout my life t be part of me as what i will find attractive or not attractive when it comes to females.
I commit myself to investigate more why it is that i have placed so much importance in the skin color of a female and have chosen the white color to be the color of my preference instead of all the other skin colors, and STOP myself into running this energetic delirium within myself and just interact with females and from there maybe find someone that i really like, for whom they really are and for what they want to do about what they see is going on in this world, someone that cares for real.