In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Day 147, What Is There In My Name: Larry..Part 2
So here i am continuing with deconstruction of my name to free myself from the chains i have placed in relation to my own name where i have made sure to make it possible that i do not even live my own name without attachments.
This is the link from the link of what i wrote yesterday: Day 146.
So, since i have more negative energy experiences in regards to my name, i belief i will be placing more then 3 points as to work on as i wrote in my yesterday blog.
*** Now this is a time when i was in 3 rd grade or something and i have been accused by my teacher at school that i have done something when it was not me, and was not lying at all. In my time when i was growing up teachers had a lot of power so to speak on parents. Parents will belief teachers very easily, because they are for one; 'teachers' and secondly they are; 'adults' to just like my parents and probably a parent to on their own. Anyway, it is not about the teacher this little story, it is about myself and how i reacted to/towards my mother for how she reacted to/towards me. I don't remember exactly what happened anymore, but someone did something at school and my teacher believed and was convinced based on her own beliefs that it was me, but it wasn't me. I was raised to be a '' good kid.'' So if this ''good kid'' would do something that ''bad kids'' will do, i will be fucked especially by my mother, my mother is the one that gave us the beatings. My father never ever laid a hand on me/us. Now when i say beatings, i am not saying beatings like fucking you up completely, lets say for the sake of understanding: '' normal parent beatings.'' I am putting normal parent beating in quotes, because there is NOT one beating that is normal at all, it is totally unacceptable, and is for 100% NOT what is BEST for all..!! Understand that when you get a beat, your getting it out of the irritation/frustration/anger from the one that is busy beating you, and in most cases when you are small, you don't even understand what is right actions and wrong actions, and why they are right actions and wrong actions, they just beat you up, for only the wrong actions. Because this is what the world teaches, that everything that is bad/wrong/negative MUST be avoided/punished at all costs...!! So parents all over the world use 2 methods to fuck their children up.
1 st) They punish you in order to teach you something as they say, about right and wrong. So punishment is for the wrong action whatever that may be.
2 nd) They reward you in order to teach you something as they say about whatever the good thing you did. So reward is for the good actions.
These two points are what most if NOT all parents do as parents in this world, no matter what they belief, or what language they speak, or what culture they are in and part of. And exactly these two points you will have in the whole of society everywhere. In your job, in your religion, in your school, everywhere....... And when you grow up and become a parent yourself, you will do the same shit, because understand this is ALL that you know, you may vary the way a little here and there and be a little more creative as they say with the two points, but you will NOT, not use these two points at all, you see...??? This is very difficult stuff, to NOT teach children using punishment and reward..!!
Anyway, so my teacher said to my mother that i did something that she was not approved of at school. So when we reached home my mother started to question me and telling me, or worst accusing me of why i did it and stuff like that, and i kept saying that i did NOT do anything. But she won't accept it, because as the teacher my mother was also convinced without any proof, just like the teacher, only a belief that it could have been me, but it wasn't. Now this one incident in my life made a very significant change in my life to, when it comes to standing up for your point no matter what. My mother have decided that i must get the famous beat, and i did, but i was so angry at her, because she did NOT belief me when i was telling her my truth. In order to let them, thus my parents feel how i felt, and i mean emotionally, i ran away from home. I ran all the way to the East side of the island somewhere where we go with my father to fish, it is the side of the island where the ocean is more aggressive and rough so to speak. As the picture of the site below is showing here.
So the way my mother was talking to me and trying to get the apparent truth out of me, i didn't like it at all, and was the reason on top of me knowing already that i didn't do what they were accusing me of doing made me even more angry. So whenever someone will accuse me and have the same voice tonality as my mother did, that was like a little irritated and frustrated mixed with anger in it, i will react in the same way to/towards whomever that will use my name in that tonality.
So this rough and aggressive ocean calms me down a lot, i like the sound it makes when the waves are formed and when they hit the shore against the shore stones that are dangerously very sharp peaks due to corrosion of this salty see and wind blow.
So anyway this is where i ran to, to go and sit and just calm myself down, and this is also a place where i should have NOT been, or that was prohibited by my parents, because it is dangerous out there, it is a dangerous ocean. But since i was all by myself alone and i just ran away from home to punish my parents and let them worry about me, i didn't give a damn, enjoying spiting them in my own mind all the way....loll After i have calmed myself down, i went back to our farm which is not very far from this ocean, and just sit there and wait to see what will happen, it was almost semi dark when they found me, around 6:30 at night, and i ran away from home in the afternoon. When they found me, and this was the idea of my father to for them to go have a look on the farm, because my father knew i like the farm. So when they found me they were all, very worried and was asking me why i did it, and i told them exactly why i did, and then my mother felt so bad and she cried and said that she was sorry that she did not belief me and that she had to beat me. But they also say to never ever again do such stupid thing, thus running away from home. Oh and i didn't tell them about the ocean part of course.....lol
Tomorrow i will write a few positive energy experiences i have related to my name...............