Day 149, What Is There In My name: Larry......SFS.
So in this blog i am going to walk the self-forgiveness statements and the self-commitment statements i will work in the end of another blog that will come after i have written all the self-forgiveness statements that i can see on the points that i can find within myself in relation to what i wrote in the 3 previous blogs.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself delude myself in believing and following my reactions to/towards my name being called in certain/specific ways to rule over my name as so in my whole life, that i don't even live as my name but as the memory as what i have created within me of how i reacted in the past when my name was called in certain/specific way and in certain/specific voice tonality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take myself personal and other people personal in the past when they were using my name in a certain/specific way and tonality with which i created experiences of emotions within me and belief afterwards, just because i am the one experiencing them, that these are ME.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have positive energy experiences as feelings to exist within me as me as the energy as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have negative energy experiences as emotions to exist within me as me as the energy as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that what i am experiencing as positive/negative energy experiences as feelings/emotions that exist within me as me as the energy as the mind, that they are for real me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always hide behind my own feelings and emotions without ever questioning them and embrace all of what i am as the good and the bad and understand ME, so i can keep that which is GOOD, which means that which will be BEST for all living things and LIVE it as me in this world no matter what.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that others outside myself can really hurt me emotionally or make me have feelings or thoughts about them from them, when in reality, all that happens within me as energy as the mind is ALL my own creations, my own acceptances and allowances, my own self-created experiences, that i will call: '' ME ''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have seen my father and the way he called my name in a strict way to be the point of blame that i have used to create the personalities within me that will act out or react when my name will be called within a similar voice tonality and manner.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that it is my father fault that i now have a personality that i have to delete within me, when in reality, what my father was showing me was only for myself to see myself as what already exist within me that i haven't dealt with yet to resolve the issue and that it took my full permission on my own to built a personality within me, because it is NOT my father that have built the personality in me, it is myself that have done it, so how can he be the point of blame..??
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that a voice of another person can in fact do something to me, when anything that happens to me on an energetic level is all my own creation and has absolutely nothing to do with the one that is the point of blame or the one that is outside of me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful when my father would call me with his strict voice, because i then assume within me that i am going to get hurt or something, and within knowing that i might get hurt i also get angry especially when i am convinced of me not doing anything that was considered wrong in my eyes. So within this i forgive myself also for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my father for i believed he was using that tone of voice and mannerism of calling my name in order to make me STOP doing whatever it is i was doing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat within my mind where i will lash out to/towards my father and telling him: '' i hate you for making me feel hurt inside of me for no reason and purpose.'' to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have an internal conversation where i will talk to myself within my own mind saying:'' you see, it is always me, always me, everything i do is BAD, i cannot even have fun, i am always disturbing their peace of mind'' to exist within me as me. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a self-judgement to exist within me as me wherein i will consider myself as BAD and unable to have fun due to me being a point of disturbance for my parents when they were watching television or something and i was playing and maybe making to much noise. I realize in this self-judgement that i have written here how i within my own mind also have separated myself into two(2) personalities, that are talking to each other, where there is a personality that is behind the scenes that is being talked to and addressed as this YOU......and this personality then follow up by blaming itself talking to this invisible personality, the one behind the scene, the one that is the YOU. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a invisible personality within my own mind that i call ''YOU'' to exist within me as me in order for me to have someone or something to talk my spitefulness with, and blame myself and others as myself within my own mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where parents use punishment and reward as systems to raise their children and not common sense reasoning that support LIFE and understand of oneself in absolute self-honesty and absolute detail/specificity.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a world exists where parents dictate pure on self-interest and fear of survival to raise their children to be/become just like them, generation after generation, where they evolve only in finding matters and means to do this better, which results in reality in a devolution of mankind in it's participation in LIFE with each other and everything else.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where we use things as '' thoughts/feelings/emotions'' without having any idea whatsoever how it is we are creating them within ourselves and how it is possible that we are experiencing them and why it is that we on top of all this still are following them, without having any clue whatsoever of what they really are.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only look at my world based on these things called: '' thoughts/feelings/emotions'' without ever questioning them and just accepted them to be part of me and even call them ''natural'' to the human form/body/physicality, when it is clearly not so at all, because they don't exist in every moment of breath constantly and consistently as my breath and my human physical body and this whole physical existence that is right HERE always constantly and consistently in every breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my great great uncle for having me create anger and fear to exist within me as me, without seeing/realizing/understanding that he as is my father were all within their own delusions showing me what it is i myself have within me as issues that i needed to resolve like: ''fear and anger'' because i reacted in these. So within this i realize that other people in this world are always only our own mirrors for what we ourselves accept and allow within/as ourselves.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character to remind me that everyone that will talk and have a similar voice as my great great uncle i will use this character to react to/towards these people within myself the same way i reacted in the past with my great great uncle.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a voice tonality and a manner of saying my name to influence me in creating a character to defend my reactions with in order to not go through the actual confronting and facing these reactions in fact for what they are.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to also blame my father again in this situation and event, because he did not clearly stand up and really STOP my great great uncle in a clear way that what he was trying to do was abusive and unacceptable. I realized that i felt and judged my father of also in that moment having fear of being self-honest, because he knew within himself that if he would say to my great great uncle in a clear straight way to NOT do that ever again, there will be arguments and conflicts/friction coming out of that, so he have chosen to give a false laugh and say it in a easy way that he is scaring me, and not make a big thing out of it to avoid conflict and friction. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father to also be afraid of facing his own self-honesty in that moment that would have ignited friction and conflict.
So what does this little incident show me today..?? That i am also afraid of my own self-honesty just like my father. So within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-honesty when i am faced within it and i know i have to be self-honest but will wash it away and choose the safe side, the side of avoiding possible conflict/friction.
more to come tomorrow....................
Thanks.
Larry Manuela
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