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Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Day 184, Am I Cold-hearted..?? Part 2

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-183-am-i-cold-hearted.html

This up here is the link of what i have written yesterday.

I am going to look within what i wrote yesterday and take the points i see i have to work on and deconstruct to see where they will lead me when i am doing self-forgiveness on them.

See, this is what self-forgiveness in self-honesty does, it gives one the opportunity to identify the patterns/layers within oneself and can then go deeper into them to find out how and when exactly and for what purpose i created them to be there.




                                                                 



Points to work on:


***     mum and dad dealing with a increase in Alzheimer.

***    Me being not emotional about it.

***    Preocupation on how i am being viewed by other people.

***    letting outburst of energy happen in me.

***    telling people in the past that i loved them, without feeling any love at all as they are going through.

***    Sabotaging myself in order to save my own lie, but project it as not wanting to hurt the other.

***    recognizing the uncomfortable feeling within because i am lying, but yet continuing.

***    i have learn to suppress my own feelings and moment of traumas in a way that i don't feel anything.

***   Embracing what is happening as energy, but NOT really letting it go, i stuff it inside, which will be anger.


***   finding being emotional about things i cannot change to be none sensical.

***   creating anger within myself against my own self-created fear, and also anger against being powerless and not being able to control what is physically going on.

***   Believing that by taking a hold on the anger and fear as in strangling something in your hand it goes away.


***   saw that love is being interpreted as the extreme excitement when two people are attracted to each other.





So now let me move to and start with self-forgiveness related to these points:



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide away within the fear of my mum and my dad dealing with the increase of Alzheimer by taking it all in me without forgiving it and breathe it all to nothingness, just because i think/believe that by taking it all in me and letting it go so to speak it dissappears, but it doesn't really dissappear, it just hide itself within me and will come out in the form of fear that will go through dealing with all kinds of things that are related to life being abused in this world by myself and others as myself. Thus within this i realize that i suppress the emotion of pain as fear and then transform it within me as anger, because i see anger as being against something that hurts me, so i become then angry about the emotions themselves that hurts me, like an internal war of sadness and suffering against anger.

So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the emotion of anger to appear within myself to suppress sadness and suffering, that are once again all emotions in different forms, wherein i did not notice that my mind have won by turning it all into anger that will come out in the form of when i see LIFE is being abused by us humans.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be emotional about what is going on with my parents regarding their state of mind, where they are starting to be forgetfull and it little by little is getting worse and worse, but yet have managed to cover these emotions with another blanket of emotion that is called: '' anger'' because this anger gives me the opportunity to attack the emtotion of being sad and also for being fearful that they won't be able to take care of themselves properly.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be preocupied within my mind with how others will look at me as thinking/believing that i must be a very cold-hearted person, when in reality the only thing i did was suppress it with anger, but i do not let the anger be seen, i will take it on within my own mind when i see other atrocities that are being done to LIFE by us humans in this world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that by turning the emotions as sadness into fear and then anger and from anger to lash out in my mind as it is being projected outside, is a form of self-sabotage, because i am still letting emotions get the best of me, when in reality i should not react at all energetically, and these then in their turn indicate that i am missing my focus in my breathing, where i am not one and equal within and as my breath.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let outbursts of energy to happen within me as me, instead of making sure to stick to my focus on my breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to get carried away by my own self-created energy.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tell people in the past that i loved them, just to say so but without having that feeling at all within me, and in the telling them i felt uncomfortable because i was saying something i knew was not true, i was sabotaging myself into conforming to the people that said that they loved me, by imitating them and saying the same thing back. I realize that i imitate the behaviours of others just to go with the flow.

Thus within this, i forgive myself  that i have accepted and allowed myself to imitate behaviours of others without question just to be accepted within the group or society as a whole.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself to save my own lie, and using the other person as a reason for me to sabotage myself by creating a belief within myself that i will hurt them, but in reality i don't really care, it is just an act to cover my lie. Thus within this i see how i lie to myself and in this lie projecting it out and use another lie to cover this original lie, so i am full of lies in and out.

Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and porject my own lie into another form to cover my own original lie.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that even though i have this uncomfortable feeling within my stomach i still continued with the lie to hold face, without seeing/realizing/understanding that it is only me inventing and going through my own lie, because of fear of what others may think/belief or if they may approve or not approve. Thus within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think/belief of me and also fear if they will approve me or not approve me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own traumas so i don't feel anything, when the ''not feeling anything'' is a lie, that i myself create within myself to belief for myself so i don't have to go through the emotions that come with the trauma, that i see within myself that are unnecessary. because they don't change the situation.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to embrace my emotions, but in this embrace have turned them into anger, and because the anger does not come out in that particular moment i think/belief that they have stopped, but they have just been suppressed as anger to later on in other situation that involve something that i can be angry about, this anger will then appear, coming out of its cave, where it have been hybernating all these times accumulating more of itself, to jump out with lots of controlled fury. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have controlled fury to exist within me as me as the energy as the mind.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find that being emotional about things is to make no sense at all, but not based on common sense reasoning, but on knowledge and information, without seeing/realizing/understanding that taking it as knowledge and information is me not totally looking within myself as to the totality of what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world, in order for me to STOP me of participating in all kinds of emotions, for knowledge and information is always in separation to SELF as LIFE right HERE.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for my own self-created fears and also for being angry at myself for not being able to control what is physically going on, and having a sense of powerlessness. Thus within this i realize that i have linked anger to fear and also to powerlessness and  being out of control. For this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link anger to fear/powerlessness and being out of control.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that by holding on to anger as to compensate the fear and other emotions, is to just switch to another emotion, which is still an emotion, which is Anger, and then within this because i don't become angry in that moment specifically because i have turned the other emotion as sadness into anger and fear and sense of powerlessness, and being out of control also into anger i think/belief that they are gone, when all that happened was that i turned them into anger and suppress this anger deeply within me in that very moment i transform these specific emotions other then anger into anger, and because of this then think/belief that i have let go of them, that i can then say: '' i don't feel these emotions in me.''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see that love was the extreme excitement of two individuals attracting each other, and yet because of me seeing it as in a form of an observation did not really grasped it as a point that can be seen as common sense for myself so i can see the nature of my own feelings.





Self-commitments statements:



I commit myself to everytime i see myself going into or about to go into anger to pay much closer attention to how i created myself to be this anger that arises within me, and i just make sure that i focus on my breath so i do not get swallowed within my own self-created anger to hide the other emotions. Within this i continue breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.



I commit myself to not suppress the emotions of sadness and suffering and just breathe through them in order for me to NOT transform them into another emotion that is anger and just make sure that i stay within and as my breath till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind, so i don't create consequences of abuse for myself nor others as myself in my participation in this world.


I commit myself to investigate more deeply within my emotions as sadness to root out all that is behind it in order not to transform any of it into anger, that will hide and wait for its turn to come out.


I commit myself to make sure that whenever i see myself going into or about to go into lying to myself to cover another lie------------ to just STOP, take a deep breath and make sure i focus on my breath till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.



I commit myself to stop myself of creating within and as myself a way of hiding my fears of having emotions, and turn them into another emotion that is more dangerous, which is anger. I STOP and i breathe till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.





Thanks.



Larry Manuela





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