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Monday, 24 December 2012

Day, 188 My Reaction To Rummage.

I have noticed that now that my kids are here with me that i react to rummage/clutter.

They make a complete mess of the place in seconds, they cannot play in way where they leave things orderly. After they have finished playing and i have a look at the room, it looks like a little tornado have pass through the whole room.



                                                                           

Now this makes me react in uncomfortableness because i was NOT like this when i was a little boy and throughout my whole life. When i was a kid i did this once, and my father came in my room after my mother was angry with me, because my room was like a mess and he told me something very important to me, that i never forgot.

He told me, something simple, but me being me, take these things very serious and deeply. Of course when i was a kid i didn't see that as i see it now, but one can say i really understood these things. Anyways my father told me: '' Larry, hear me.....................can you not see how your mother is doing everything here in this house for you guys( me and my sisters), she cooks, she do the cleaning of the whole house, she do the dishes, she even clean your rooms. Can you not at least do this to help your mother..?? ''

Now i looked at this deeply within me, and i felt like a deep sadness within me, because it is true that my mother always, and i mean always did everything for us in the house, only now and then when we are ''told,'' because we weren't doing these things out of ourselves, like doing the dishes or something else, we will then engage into doing the tasks.

So when i placed myself into my mothers shoes that day, i immediately made the decision to make sure my room will always be clean. So from that day on, my mother didn't have to clean my room anymore, everything was orderly, from drawers to bed to my shoes being in alignment and everything else, i swept the floor and mop it to. I wash my own underwear and socks, because she told me the bigger clothing i don't have to do them, because she will put them in the washing machine anyways.

So from that day onward i continue being like this, to have all my things look orderly. The moment my room or whatever is not orderly, it makes me uncomfortable. It is like if i may use an example here, if one would loose a key or something and is looking everywhere to try and find it, but can't find it because there is  a mess and it can be anywhere, but because of the mess, finding it would be much difficult.


So translated to my mind, when i am having to much thoughts/internal conversations/back-chats/emotions/justifications/judgements/reactions, (mess/rummage/clutter as in the room) i go through uncomfortableness and ''feeling'' like i don't know what to do now, where to start, like i am lost for a moment, and within this i become a little angry and also uneasiness. In this world when it comes to making sure my room is clean and stuff like this, i will be called a: ''perfectionist''



So my kids,----------------------- everything they touch becomes a mess, it is like their hands cannot touch something without making a mess out of it. When i look at this within myself i do not understand it, because i compare them with myself when i was a little kid, and i can see that when i was a kid i looked at things more closely then them, thus when i am busy doing something, to try and be as best as possible to have the thing i am doing or my hands are doing, to be in control of it. So for me to break something, or for me to do whatever i will make sure that i put it back as it was, or make sure to use it in a way i don't make a mess. Thus as a kid i was very physical about these things, and it seemed easy. But now that my kids are like this, i can't understand it, and no matter how much i show them, they just don't get it, how they have to do it physically without making a mess all the time. They are, compared to me when i was a kid and i was younger then what they are now much better in being physical with physical tasks. They should be able to do something at this stage more in control and really paying attention to how things work and how to touch and move things without messing it up, but yet they cannot do it yet at the moment. They are 12 and 7 years old.




Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortableness within looking at the mess my kids leave when they are playing or just annoying each other.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes loose my focus in my breath, because i let myself get carried away when looking at the mess, because within me, when it comes to taking care of my stuff and keep it clean, i am a perfectionist, so the moment they can't do this and for some things they just don't want to, it makes me react in anger and also make me uneasy within myself. 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into memories, wherein i compare myself with them when i was a little boy even smaller then them and could already do all these things way better then them, without seeing/realizing/understanding that not all of us are on the same level when it comes to our interaction with our human physical bodies and the way we move with in doing tasks with it.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my own sadness related to my mother as i was a kid, seeing her doing lots of work around the house, as a way to make sure i am responsible and can take care of my own stuff, no matter what it is, when it comes to doing physical tasks.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to taking something as tasks around and within the house as something to perfect, that now i am in this level of perfection, when the perfection is not here i go through the experience of being out of control, and this then in its turn makes me angry and uncomfortable and frustrated.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect being in control to being a perfectionist, and then in turn connect perfectionist as being negative, when the word ''perfectionist'' should be just someone who does his/her BEST to do something in the best possible way, and have nothing to do with control, nor with polarities as negative/positiveThus moving from perfection to Self-perfection.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my kids because they can't handle the tasks as i could handle them in comparison to myself when i was a kid.



Self-commitment:


I commit myself  to make sure that whenever i am about to or i am into becoming uncomfortable when i look at the mess my kids make, to just STOP and breathe and make sure i continue breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing else moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I commit myself to whenever i am about to go into or i am loosing my patients with my kids in explaining and giving physical example as to how to do a task, to just STOP and breathe and make sure i only interact with them when i am clear and stable within myself so the communication  and the understanding can happen and even if it does to let it go in the moment and give them the time to get it on their own, that could be in the moment or some other time in their lives.

I commit myself to make sure i use my perfectionist actions to perfect my common sense interaction with/as the physical reality and my human physical body, instead of seeing it as something that is negative or positive, but just purely to perfect myself within and as the task i am doing itself and that is it.





Thanks.



Larry Manuela




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