Day 72, Yes Sex Again.!!

 

 

 

Now here i am as i told you yesterday talking about this SEX drive of mine again, that is going to take a very very long time. It is NOT about how long it is going to take, but HOW I am going to tackle it, deconstructing myself as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world. 

Now in the current system as a man, having lots of woman for himself or lots of woman interested in him, is like a great thing for the man, but when it comes to reality it is really an abusive thing to man himself and the women that are interested in him.  Now you may probably ask, but why is it abusive..??  It is abusive because it is energetically based interests. Now what do i mean with this is the following: '' our minds need energy for it to continue being within and as the body, and men/women looking to fuck each other is ONE of the many forms that the mind rest upon to ensure it's survival as energy.

So now let me move to my little BIG problem here, which is SEX...!!  I have a few woman whom are interested in me, and of all of them there are a few of them that i really like. Now the problem is this. I know about the mind stuff, and also know that to start anything from the perspective of energy, with this i mean that one starts with all the nice stuff, all the nice feelings, all the butterfly in the stomach that the woman go through.................................all of this is the MIND in action, making the body produce the energy till one are full of energy and will look for the energy release, and that will happen when the SEX  happen and one reaches the Orgasm point. Then the mind will be all in bliss, but this cannot continue for a long time, after a few weeks already one will notice things starting getting ''normal'' and here is where the mind will suck energy again( in the form of arguments and disputes and disagreements), because both partners are going to notice behaviors and mannerism about each other they did not see/noticed when they were on drugs( feeling good inside as love), or sometimes they do see it, but the energy is too much already in the body and the butterfly wants to land on a flower......loll....., so usually one will get into a relationship and get fucked and then in the middle of the relationship will start to ''want to get out of it''  And all of this is because one didn't really took the time to know the person inside and out to see if being with such person would be such a good idea and if both would be effective in living together and be an example as what it means to live as what is BEST for ALL LIFE, i mean to really support and assist each other in becoming this human being that truly cares for all LIFE...!!  As many people in the system know, no-one in the system looks for a relationship where they will be living in preparation of becoming human beings that will always do what is BEST for ALL LIFE. It is in the system all about what ''good feelings'' i will get out of the relationship with another, so the relationships in the system are all about how ONE FEELS about another as the starting-point, which is energy-based, and energy has a beginning and an End. For more clarification i will suggest to listen to this interview with Anu:  Experiencing Life VS Living Life.       Big Difference between the two, as many of you know we are now as the mind only busy with experiencing LIFE and NOT living LIFE..!!!

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a man whom will ''love'' to be with a lot of woman just to experience SEX.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even when i am NOT with any woman, still use my mind as in creating images and pictures in it where i live within my mind as having a lot of woman, when it is only in my mind not in real physical reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling of missing physical touch, because physical touch is what i like the most in sex, i like the cuddling, before and after sex, and i like all and everything that has to do with touching and all of the parts of my body that i use for touching to happen, so within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make physical touch something i can turn into energy instead of just letting it be what it is, as just physical touch as one as equal as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a junky for physical touch, as for physical touch in the form of  getting energy experience out of the touch,especially when it comes to SEX.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i was sabotaging myself and manipulating and drugging my own body as in body-touch, as in using all of the parts of the body for the purpose of just touching to transform it into an experience that will lead to an energy fix, as in the form of a release that will be called: ''orgasm''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i was using what is really precious as physical touch and turning it into nothing as in the energy release that will be gone to feed my mind as the energy machine that it is.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for woman, just because now i wish/want/desire to have this experience of being touched physically.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect ''wish/want/desire'' to that which is physical touch, which is real and turn it into a seeking for a energy release in the form of an orgasm.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever be HERE in the moment of me touching me and me touching another as me, but instead use and manipulate me and another as me to get to the experience i will get inside of me when i start with the touching which i have managed to train myself to be good at it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to train myself as my body to be good at touching just because i found out that through touching itself i could in the long run get more energy fixes from the woman and from within myself. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body as in training it to be a junky for me as the EGO to get it's energy fix.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even when sometimes were in sex and in touching had a slide realization that touching is more then the energy release itself, i still chose to shove it away and remain in continuing looking for transformation of the touch into energy, instead of letting myself go completely and be just touch as me as my body with another body all in and as one, in and as touch alone as my body and her body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to now that i am putting the fire out as the energy junky i have become in manipulating my own body as in being a junky for touching, i am going through a lot of resistances and also lots of attractions that can lead to this physical touch that i am addicted to as a junky for me to get my energy fix in the form of an orgasm/release.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that it would be better for me to go through a real physical sex encounter as to see if i can be just touching as me as my body as being here, and not as me trying to get an energy fix in the form of an orgasm/and release. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in the desire of wanting this so much that i would do anything to just get it over with, to go through the experience of having sex and physically touch and being touched.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to trust myself if i will be able to just physically touch and be touched without having energy rising up within me. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of myself as energy as the EGO personality i have become in this world, because of me fearing me as the EGO not being able to do that, instead of me taking my directive principle and be here in breath and touch myself in breath and let myself be touched in breath one and equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate myself into believing that i can do touch now with a woman without getting an energy rush within me touching and being touched. 

I commit myself to go through teaching myself into touching me as me, as within and as my own touch and leave the energy rush out, and embrace me as myself within my touch and accept my touch as me, and not as me manipulating me, and within this i will use my breath, to STOP myself when i see myself going through energy built ups when touching me.

I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into reactions as in needs/desires/wants to STOP myself and take a deep breath and continue breathing till the rush is over and little by little help myself in becoming more and more one and equal with me as my body, which i am now far from being one and equal with and as.

I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into participation where i will manipulate myself and others and STOP myself in breathing and make sure i am physically touching something physical to remind me that i am HERE.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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Day 71, Reactions On Time.

I have been struggling with this one point of ''time'' in relation to how much time i have got and also how much time i invest in my process. I sometimes wish i have a vacation of everyday routines, that seem to overwhelm me, and then when i do have time i go into this fucking back-chat again and again, wasting time that i don't have much.

 

 

Now i am with 3 other friends in a 21 days hands-Off walk where we are not going to have sex, nor masturbate when the urges and so forth rise. But guess what i already fucked it up. I had to give myself a helping hand...lol

 

 

I am going to be walking this SEX-point for a loooooooonnnnnnnggggg time...!!!  I will NOT give-up, even though i have give in for a few times now, in total i have given in on this masturbation thing 4 times already, because i also started on my own before, and of course without any ''success'' or personal achievement as in get it over and done within that 1-ONE point.

 

 

If one have been reading our journey to LIFE blogs, one will notice that each have their one particular point within themselves that is more deeply rooted and have lots of roots in the body everywhere that needs to be uprooted with self-forgiveness and self-honesty, and then walk as the correction one will place as for one to LIVE practically, nothing too difficult that one knows one won't be able to practically walk it, but one that is walkable for oneself practically.

 

 

 

 

Self-forgiveness:

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse to not have time, when i can see within and throughout my day, how much time i do have available to do my task in relation to my standing and changing myself to that which is BEST for all LIFE.

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: '' come-on, you know this is to much for you, let us just go back to the old wonderful life where we can fuck as much girls as we want, you know you want this'' to exist within me as me.

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: '' let's go out and find a girl so we can have SEX for crying out loud'' to exist within me as me.

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only have back-chats coming out now related to sex, just because i am attacking my sex drive as in stopping myself within it as me as it.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if i am holding the others back by not sticking to my commitment of hands-off walk.Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and not able to do it, when all it takes is me to breathe through it and stick to my commitment till it resides and do my self-forgiveness on it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to waste lots of precious time on back-chat instead of taking breaths and do the things i have to do to make things done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within my own back-chats instead of pushing myself through my commitments to life and to the group.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself see/realize/understand that the time i spent in my mind back-chatting are moments in breaths i give life away as my choice to be one and equal as it as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let SEX even influence my time i have in regards to what i have to get done to birthing myself as LIFE, here in the physical.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the repeated pattern that i have created myself in the past, that is now coming to haunt me in the future as the now. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create patterns within me that are all sexually related, layers upon layers from the imaginary to the real actual picture that was taken from real events and moments within my life-experience when i was engaging in sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delay myself by back-chatting away in regards to SEX, for me not to do what is necessary for me to be doing. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit upon that which  is layered within me as patterns.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the same thought over and over every time i reach home, which is: '' imagine, if you could win millions of Euro's, what would you do..???   and within this i will answer myself with; ' i will pay all my debts, then buy me a little apartment with everything in it, buy a normal car, and 85% of it i will give it to desteni for us to move faster as a group.' '' to exist within me as me, which i use as a escape to NOT do what i have to do when it comes to my commitments to LIFE.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep on postponing my reading of the heavensjourneys blog, just because i ''feel'' like it is too much for me to handle.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself into wasting my time in NOT doing what is needed to be done, to get this thing done, which is: '' to bring about a world that is BEST for all LIFE''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link system-time to my process instead of being here as in breath-time, and in this matter WASTE time, that are wasted moments where i could have realized something more about myself that needs urgent correction.

I commit myself to through my writings of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to show that in order for one to let go off one's patterns, it takes guts and lots of dedication and diligence to transcend one's own self-created layers that make of one the personality one have become in this world.

I commit myself to make a list of the things i have to do, and do them according to the list and get what is on the list done, without putting time-table to it.

I commit myself to STOP myself in my breath when i am daydreaming my moments away, where i could've  used them all effectively to self-realize more layers of patterns and relationships related to the patterns, and do more deconstructing and corrections.

I commit myself to NEVER give up on myself as LIFE, because as long as i am HERE, LIFE is NOT giving up on ME, so i will give to LIFE the same, till i am stable and can stand in all storms and just be HERE.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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Day 70, I Don't Need You

Now, this is what i have said in the past to some people and most of us in this world still say this, and of course it depends where we are within your participation within this world when it comes to us taking our responsibilities for ALL LIFE. If one is really/truly one that is taking his/her responsibility as it should in to/towards all life, and if one or a group is NOT doing so, then if we use these words, they are in there place, right to the point.

 

 

 

Or when it comes to YOU self-realize yourself as the whom you are, then it is also in it's place.

Now it comes to the participation within the system as it exists right now, this sentence will not make any sense, because you DO need the other, either you like them or not to make the system to continue being the SHIT that it is..!!

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to say to some people in my life, that i don't need them, as when i was angry at them,or was jealous of them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and jealous to/towards another as me, where i will justify these with sentence ''I don't need you''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to involve other people in what i perceive to be my needs, when my needs are not as the needs of all equally, they are needs based on self-interest, and not needs as in what my body requires to live in this world and in so doing all bodies requires to live in this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give personal need more value above the need of ALL.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate others from me as far as me to come now to say something like this: '' i don't need you'' 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how our togetherness as one as equals implies that there is not separation, separation can only occur but only as an illusion, that looks very real.

 

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those whom i said: '' I don't need you'' to because of me blaming them for something they have done to/towards me or just when i want to be better then them and will have this thought within my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the thought: '' I don't need you.''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes have within my mind a conversation with myself within my mind where i will say to this voice that is within myself: '' i don't need you.''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have an inner voice that i have created within myself to justify my own delusions and the EGO i belief and think i am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-created EGO more power then the self that i am as life and in this give it the acceptance and allowance to speak as a voice within my mind and use the words: I  don't need you.''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into believing my own thoughts, and not look at the relationships that are here that i am part of directly and/or indirectly. And within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how i am busy separating myself even more within these simple words as: ''i don't need you''  that are breaking the relationships, instead of bringing them together and work within relationships to bring about that which is best for all LIFE.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to  connect this thought: '' i don't need you'' to circumstances/events/play-outs where i ''felt'' like i was loosing, where i felt inferior to/towards others as me, and have the attitude of '' i don't need you'' to come up and come out from within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that the very ''I'' within the sentence:  '' I don't need you'' is the EGO as the personality that is existent pure on/of energy, making it as me as i am right now totally dependent on/of energy to exist and in this making all the words behind the ''I'' within the sentence as contradictory, because the ''I'' is dependent on the relationships and it's perceived interaction with them for it continue as me to exist.

I commit myself to show that the words: '' i don't need you'' in reality as we are here in a reality of relationships, is not possible, because the ''YOU''  in the sentence is another relationship that affect my own relationship with myself and others as myself and everything else, thus making me as the EGO always dependent on relationships, whether i like it or not.

I commit myself to whenever i see myself that i am about to or i am in the thought of '' i don't need you'' to STOP myself by taking a deep BREATH and make sure to touch something physical to remind myself that i am here and so ground myself within and as reality and leave participation in the mind-reality.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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Day 69, Back-Chat, Why We Don't Care

I have been having this back-chat where i justify and blame me and everyone else for not taking our responsibility to/towards/for LIFE.

 

  

When most of us hear the word ''responsibility'' it is most of the time connected to taking care of children and whomever else that is part of the people close to someone. And that is about it, and we see this as if we are very responsible beings, but yet if one have a closer look into what is really going on and how they system we are busy supporting, that was suppose to support us, is NOT mirroring support at all.  It is mirroring abuse,it is mirroring greed, and control, mirroring all the things we consider: ''bad/wrong/negative.''

It is time for us as me as all to take a stand, and stand for that which is best for all life, where we walk to correct ourselves till we are one and equals forever more, where separation from LIFE is DONE..!!

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat where i blame myself and others as myself for we don't take life seriously and dedicate ourselves to living for real, but only care for our own survival alone on the backs of billions of life-forms.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to partake into the emotion of anger, to/towards myself and others outside myself because i see i and them are not seeing/realizing/understanding how serious our problem really is, because if we don't change ourselves we are doomed for real to destroy ourselves and lots and lots of other beings, when all of that is not necessary at all, when we all just have to STOP what we are doing/living and do and live in another way that supports all of life equally as the BEST so not one should suffer, but have the best life that is possible in every moment of breath that they are here, so we will forever more only create what is best and evolve as whole creating always from the perspective of what is BEST for ALL LIFE.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for they are unwilling to stand, when i know they are as lost as myself within their mind consciousness system, where they as me will try as we may to NOT take our responsibility, because we KNOW we will loose most if not ALL what we hold dear in this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a girl at work as looking beautiful and saying within myself: '' waw, now that is a girl i would like to be with''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a reaction within me when i looked at someones face at work and where i assume that the  way i was looked at, it had jealousy all over it. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have to have thoughts of jealousy and assumption to exist within me as me. And within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a little angry about this and also uneasiness to/towards this person.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a woman i saw outside today when i was walking to the supermarket and she was putting her garbage out, she had a long tights jeans on and red-high heels, and she just looked perfect in my eyes, all the ingredients that i would be attracted to. within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at her face and her ass in the jeans for me to get an imprint as to place a memory of her into my mind so i can use later on or whenever i will be thinking about woman.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry how i would look like if i am to go outside to the supermarket, so i just pampered myself a little, washing my face to make sure that if there in the supermarket would be someone that like me, i will have better chances to succeed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for my ex. when she told me, that my son broke his shoes and now have no shoes and that she does not have the money to buy him a new one as of right now. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel also the emotion of anger, because my son is going to have to wait till tomorrow afternoon when i get my weekly pay, for me then to sent to the mother for her to buy him a new shoe.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of my son having no shoes to the emotion of anger to exist within me as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect sadness to exist within me as me, as to when i heard from my ex. that she is stressed because she can't afford new shoes for my son.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought: '' now i really need a woman.''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get a little excited when i colleague of mine asked me if i was interesting to go on vacation with her and there i will find a beautiful lady/girl to marry, because she is from one of these Islamic countries where marriage is very important, and that it made me think about it, just because i would like to have me some woman now, any woman will do. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look into this invite as an opportunity to get me a woman, and get to experience sex again with a woman after a long time. within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how within my mind i was giving in into the exploitation of woman for sex based on their culture that see woman as a prize, something to get marry to and have sex with and make children.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the people of this country as people whom are careless about the ''happiness'' of their own children, but will marry their children especially if it is a daughter to a man that in their eyes will take care of the daughter financially, where in most cases the daughter will have nothing to say about the decision at all.

I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into judgements/reactions/blame/anger/justifications, to........STOP.......take a deep Breath and bring myself here in and as my breath, within my human physical body and make sure to touch my body any part in order for me to know for sure that i am here as and within my touch with and as the physical that is real, that i can trust.

I commit myself to through my writings to show how i am stopping myself through self-forgiveness and corrective action and my life commitments to get out of my back-chats and move into and as my human physical body.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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Day 68, Sadness

Now let's have a look at this word. ''Sadness''

what does it mean for real to be sad...??

When is someone Sad..??

Why is someone sad..??

what are the ingredients for someone to be sad..??

 

 

Now in the word English Dictionary ''sad'' is this:

 

sad  (sæd)
— adj  , sadder , saddest
1.	feeling sorrow; unhappy
2.	causing, suggestive, or expressive of such feelings: a sad story
3.	unfortunate; unsatisfactory; shabby; deplorable: her clothes were in a sad state
4.	informal  ( Brit ) ludicrously contemptible; pathetic: he's a sad, boring little wimp
5.	(of pastry, cakes, etc) not having risen fully; heavy
6.	(of a colour) lacking brightness; dull or dark
7.	archaic  serious; grave
— vb
8.	( NZ ) to express sadness or displeasure strongly
[Old English sæd  weary; related to Old Norse sathr,  Gothic saths,  Latin satur, satis  enough]

 

So as you can see, the definition of this word ''sad'' is all related to what goes on within oneself as an EMOTION, how one feels..!!   Why is this important..??

I am questioning if the emotion of being ''sad'' is necessary and relevant in this world and in reality..??  Does it change what is going on or what will happen, when it is happening..??   So why is something we feel so important and not only important but MORE of importance to what is HAPPENING itself for real, when it has to do with us taking action or not..??   Why would we rather ''FEEL''  sadness but yet not STOP ourselves within that which is ''sad'' in this world..?? It is like we are giving in into the contentment and acceptance and allowance of the ''feeling of sadness''  Like showing/presenting the sorrow, and the unhappiness that one experience within oneself as if this is what will make one appear as if is taking action, and in so doing be someone who cares or have compassion. All these i asked myself when i were sad.  Is my sadness a decoy that i have accepted and allowed myself to go through, to use so I don't have to take my responsibility and stand up and change ME into a being that truly, practically/physically/in fact does what is BEST for all LIFE...??  Why do i fear taking my responsibility for all LIFE, THE most important thing EVER...!!!   Why does my feelings make me abdicate my responsibility to that which truly supports me HERE, in this world,in this reality, in this existence,which IS LIFE, and not just ME, but all that is here as in LIFE and of LIFE, as ONE and as EQUALS..??

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, when i look at the poor people in this world, and NOT do anything about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i looked at the people whom are drugging themselves away into their own destruction, hurting their own bodies, and not do anything about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i looked at the bump in the streets and not do anything about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i looked at the people praying their asses of, for some self-interest stuff, when i know through/within myself that they will not act practically to bring a change in this world for real, and not do anything about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for the people in WAR, either as soldiers, or as victims of war, the ones that are killed as the ones that are innocent, without doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, when i looked at pictures and movies that show the reality of starvation and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at woman in prostitution and even participate in buying into prostitution and feel sad about it, but yet not doing anything about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at people whom are working hard to ''earn'' a living in this world and feel sad about it, but yet do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at my son, and know within myself that if I do not stand for life now, i know his future will be fucked for what i have accepted and allowed to be here while i am here, and feel sad about it, and yet do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i look at all the children in this world, because i know that unless I who have realized that if i Don't change ME as an participant in this system and then stand within/ as the change within this system their chances to have a life on this planet is nihil,and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i look at how we as humanity are treating the other life-forms as the animals, the plants and bugs, and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the struggle of survival all in the faces of women and men, and know that it is the system that i am supporting, that is NOT supporting them nor ME, nothing that is as/of LIFE, but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, when i watch a sad movie that tells a true story where abuses and rape and all kinds of atrocities are portrayed and showed, but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, when i look at politicians in this world doing whatever it is in their power to save the SYSTEM, but yet not LIFE, and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i look at people living in houses that i will not even call a house, that i will not want to live in a situation like that myself, but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i look at people from different races hating each other for their skin colors, or for their culture, or for their so-called traditions, or for their beliefs, but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, when i see people fighting each other just because of anger, of hatred, of jealousy,of competition, for control.......but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how in all my sadness i had/have  had for people and things in this world i really never felt sad for LIFE itself, how i saw how separated i was and is of LIFE itself where it has not even the value in my eyes where i can feel even sadness for LIFE, that which really supports me in EVERY way..!!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when i look at mothers caring in vain for their children, when their caring will not lead to a world for their children to live in peace, but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for the rich people in this world when i look and them, for they will do whatever it takes for their belief system as MONEY to continue,just because in the belief system of MONEY they are the ones that are on the safe side, forgetting totally how life is supporting even them that does NOT support LIFE equally,and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for famous people in this world, for they will do anything to keep their fame intact, but yet will NOT do anything to support LIFE itself, and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for people that make music and movies that are NOT supporting life, but are only supporting a belief system as MONEY, where just a few are protected and the majority are NOT, but yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad how we as humanity have come to invent something we called ''economy'' that was supposedly to support LIFE of beings, but yet it has turned out to be that which is abusing lives of beings, and yet i do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be sad, for when i saw within myself that all the meditations and philosophies i have ever partake into have never ever done anything that is of support to that which is of UTMOST value, and this is that which is: ''LIFE''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the energetics of my mind,where such things as ''sadness'' have reign and influence through my own acceptance and allowance of it, to rule over my decision making, instead of ME taking my directive principle and act in ways that are always BEST for ALL LIFE.

 

I commit myself to through my writings, self-forgiveness and my commitments to LIFE to show that emotions like ''sadness'' are in truth irrelevant when it comes to us taking real practical actions that will support LIFE, in ALL way, always..!!

Thanks.

Larry Manuela.

3D character animation borrowed from:  http://char-anim.blogspot.nl/2011_02_01_archive.html

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Day 67, Blank Point.

Now here i am looking at myself as in the mirror of myself to see within me, what it is i am missing, i am not looking at. I have come to a point that is like i am not able to see why it is existent within me, and this ''why'' is eating me alive so to speak, because i am trying to much to see the why, when i know it must be hidden as in my subconscious mind level where i am now not yet there to see how it came to be there. For clarity let me explain what it is. I have reached the memory of me as a very young kid getting sexually aroused, not exactly at what age, but for sure way before i had any conceived or influenced idea about SEX and what sex is or was all about, but yet find it difficult to see how and why it is i am not able to see beyond that point, thus what is there within me that made me even as a kid without having any experiences before in no ways whatsoever but yet to get sexually aroused by looking at woman and the parts that are related to sex on their bodies. WTF is it..??  I can honestly say: '' i have no idea..!!!''  

 

 

Now i have a son. And i can remember a few years back, this was in 2007. I went with my son and daughter back to my island of birth and we lived there for 2 years, before i came  back here. Now at the time we were there, my son was only 2 years old. He could barely talk. Now here is the thing that happened that i found very interesting and that is related to what i am going through right now. We were at the beach and there were girls there swimming,and there was this one girl with a very nice body, i mean perfect body, everything was in place. As i was at the time looking at her ass, because i liked her ass, how it looked like, and i turn and i looked at my son in the buggy, and he was looking at the ass of this girl to, and i mean REALLY looking as in starring at them. And then he turned and looked at me as i was looking at him and he said to me in Dutch with a big smile on his face looking at the ass of the girl and looking back at me: '' lekker hè papa..??''   this means '' sweet ain't it papa..??''    I was like perplexed at this, i mean i didn't taught him that, and he is just 2 years old, how the heck would he be knowing that asses like that would be sweet or not or nice looking or not....???     So i can see in my son, that he to already have this thing about sex within him without outside influences that could have made him become like this, it is like he was born with this liking for woman already and not just any woman, those whom look really attractive to. And now that i am writing this i remember to, that when he was just a baby, he  always liked it  a lot being carried around  by woman with big breasts, if a man will hold him or a woman without big breasts will hold him, he will cry, and one can see how his eyes were looking at the breasts, now at the time we were laughing at this and saying: '' look at him, just a baby and already knowing about titties.''  But now it is not funny anymore, when i have reached a point within myself where i cannot remember how and when exactly and especially why i, just like my son now, and he is even more advanced then me, have this sex thing in us to be so dominant. Like we were born with this drive to look for woman to have sex with, it's like in the genes. Now this is very disturbing to me, because i am at a place of NOT seeing how am i going to do self-forgiveness effectively on something that i cannot yet see, that looks like it is beyond my capacity to remember, i need to know this starting-point. Now that i am grown is very easy to see all the sexual experiences and movies and pictures and all of that, but when i break it down and come to that one point where it all started before i even had any picture or movie or experiences is where the things get difficult. Because just like my son, he was not influenced by me or television or porn or mother and father fucking and kissing in front of him, nothing of these things that will make him become like this at 2 years old and even when he was a baby. So the same goes with me, the only thing is i can't remember at what age i started exactly, but i am sure it must have been way before the age of 8.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dragged by my pursuit to try and look for the starting point of sex being so dominant within and throughout my life, where it was the most important thing ever on my mind always.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understood that the relationships i have formed within my life regarding woman and friends i never valued them as emotionally as important because i didn't really have this ''special feeling'' for anyone.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' as if because of me not having these emotions/feelings as like i see or perceive it to be in others, made me think/belief of/in myself that i was NOT ''normal,'' that i didn't fit in, in the norms of society and norms of family and culture, and in this tried to fit into the norms, and it was only when i had sex with a woman and i experienced the bliss, the release, that i could translate that as what others must be experiencing when they are so-called: '' in love'' 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret  being ''in love'' as in getting to experience the release when having sexual relation with a woman, and then lived always looking for this release and when i could not find with a woman, i will give in, into masturbation to get to the release point anyways.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT have the emotion and feelings within me as what i perceive and interpret what others might be feeling within them for my mother, for my father, for my sisters, for my son, for all the girlfriends i had in my life, but yet i care.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that just because i am not into this whole emotional stuff when it comes to relationships with people made me NOT ''normal'' and an outcast.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have more feelings of emotions for a dog i had in my life then i ever had for human, and saw within myself as someone who is not ''normal'' for having more emotions to/towards a dog, then i have it for my mother, my father, my sisters and all people that i have been in contact with, with people it is just nothing, i don't feel the things they are talking about or presenting as if they are going through some ''nice'' emotions to/towards each other.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that when i am without these emotions and feelings that i was still HERE breathing, never realizing that what is truly important and of value i was not seeing at all, which is my own breath and my human physical body, but fell pray to give in into my own thoughts/feelings/emotions the mechanics of the mind as if they are what is of value and not that which is my breath and my human physical body that really are life supportive in every moment that i am here, even when i am unaware as me as them one and equal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to those whom are close to me that i felt love for them and all the stuff that goes with it, when in reality in myself i was not feeling nothing or very little, that i would say must be love, the only ''feeling'' of love that i experienced that was very close or maybe even more intensive then what the ones people are talking about, was when i was having sex with woman, only then.!

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as ''not normal'' in society and hence hide myself under the facade of pretending to ''love'' playing out behaviors i watched in others as they move and act from t.v., movies, magazines, and life presentations in the form of people that are in love with each other, when they are in the so-called: '' love bliss.'' 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief my own lie of me trying to act out a feeling/emotion that does not exist within me, and in so doing fearing within myself the consequences of someone finding out that i am not like them when it comes to emotions/feelings in relation to relationships with people.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that if i don't get to feel the feelings everyone is talking about my life would mean nothing, so within this when i got to experience sex and i get to the point of release that is like bliss to me, i was immediately hooked forever more, because i translated this as MY own real experience of this ''love'' everyone is talking about, that i didn't experience without the sex in ''normal'' human interactions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed because i cannot find the starting point within me as in where exactly it was that my sex drive was activated.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as a kid to be aroused by images on t.v. of woman dancing and showing legs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to from that moment of activation of my sexual drive as a kid, i have then little by little been accumulating and compounding my sexual preferences and drive based on that one moment of activation as a innocent kid watching woman dancing and having fun on t.v.

 

 

I commit myself to show trough my writings, self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to STOP myself in participating in my mind for looking for an answer when i am not at that point yet where i can see how i created myself as that, so i let it go, and focus only on what comes up within me that i can remember and do self-forgiveness on them, till i can reach that point where i will be able to see how i created me to be what i am today.

 

whenever i see myself going into judgements/reactions/validations/thoughts/emotions/feelings related to what i cannot yet see within myself with clarity........I STOP........I take a deep breath and ground myself back here within and as my breath and my human physical body and make sure i am touching some physical manifestation to make sure i am here and not in my mind.

 

Thanks.

 

Larry Manuela

 

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Day 66, My Craze With Women's Legs. Full Version.

Within this writing i am going to do self-forgiveness on the part of a woman's body that i like the most and that attract me the most always, even when it is covered i can still see by the shape that is formed that the leg will be nice or not..?? I wrote in a previous post already what i find sexy about a woman, but because i see i still have reactions when i look at the legs, i must continue digging to see what else comes up within me in relation to the legs of woman as a decoy.

Self-frogiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''fall'' for a very clean slippy looks of legs of woman.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find the shape of how the legs look like to mesmerize me into a mind-fuck.

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be tempted by my own definition of what i will perceive as sexy as in the legs of woman i see, as depicting in the picture above. only to be used as what is already as a void within me to crave for what is of me as self-hate and self-unworthiness to transform that into the opposite as in self-love and self-worthiness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to almost give in to masturbation, just because i connect sexy legs with sex and the beginning/starting-point of where i will work my way up till i reach the cave of wonders, looking to get my energetic fix that will lead to me experiencing my release point and get my only point within myself that i see and experience as self-value/self-worthiness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to fall pray for my own ideal of igniting myself into thoughts that will produce an urge within me, where i will slowly but surely try and manipulate myself into masturbation just to fill in  the void that is more then what i will experience as an release in a moment as the point of orgasm, which will make me seek and seek more and more of it, because when i am not having it, i feel empty and void.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how the link to this whole ideal of legs is in reality behind the scenes is that, as i was in a conversations with my friends, i saw that i was addicted to the release itself of the energy built up within the body.

So, here a moment. So why do i find in legs of woman, and i mean specifically legs that look like the ones in the pictures i have placed here above, they can also have more meat on them, but the shape and the smooth look will do it. So why do i use this cover-up mind delusion to fuck with myself...??

 

 The memory is: Me liking Sexy legs..!!

Memories related to legs:

    Watching legs of woman on t.v. when i was a kid and find within me an energy rush, as something i have never seen before and it looks beautiful, why would i like this as a kid...???  Not having anything done sexually yet, but yet liking it, like an arousal. I mean how do i know within me as a kid that this is beautiful or not, when i never saw that before, i had no knowing of sexiness or what a sexy leg can do to a man or whatever.

 

Relevant points within the memory:

1)  woman legs on t.v.

2)  being aroused when seeing the legs on t.v. as a kid 

without having any sexual experience ever before that moment.

 

What is the reason to hold on to this memory...?? 

 

The reason that i am holding on to this memory is that it gives me a reference point, of the only memory i have of WHY it is, that SEX is so engrained within me.

 

Self-forgiveness on the memory: 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connecting a memory of me liking sexy legs to the thought:  

'' Watching legs of woman on t.v. when i was a kid and find within me an energy rush, as something i have never seen before and it looks beautiful, why would i like this as a kid...???  Not having anything done sexually yet, but yet liking it, like an arousal. I mean how do i know within me as a kid that this is beautiful or not, when i never saw that before, i had no knowing of sexiness or what a sexy leg can do to a man or whatever. '' 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to holding on to the thought of me liking sexy legs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to the memory of woman's legs on t.v.

I forgive myself  that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to the memory of being aroused when seeing woman's legs on t.v. as a kid without having any sexual experience ever before that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for holding on to the memory because it give me a reference point, of the only memory i have of WHY it is, that SEX is so engrained within me as to make me decide to choose only for sex as a means for release.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to connect the picture of legs of woman to be used later on for my addiction on my RELEASE, the letting go off what i have been accumulating and compounding within myself as energy built-up, as what is called: ''suppression''

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how my masturbation point or even SEX point is in relationship with the outcome of the release i have been building up within me, from and as my mind as using thoughts as to move the hidden  memories within me to surface and then i will live out that surfacing of memories that laid deep within me as projections outside myself.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the release as the purpose in ''feeling good inside'' which is NOT what is outside, outside there is nothing to feel good about, the energetic release is the only point in my life where i ''EXPERIENCED'' a sense of life having any purpose and meaning for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use pictures as on t.v. or in magazines or real pictures when seeing woman in real life with beautiful legs walking by or sitting somewhere to be having an impact on what i will use later on to create the necessary energy to compound within me so i can reach my point within myself of RELEASE and give into my ''feeling'' of life making sense and having a purpose as in '' experiencing good feelings'' through either having sex or by masturbating, whichever of both that will  make it possible for the release point to be experienced in that particular moment.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the self-hatred i have within myself for i feel i am not doing enough as myself in this world as when it comes to giving unconditionally, as like there is this void, that try as i may, i can't find it and it makes me ''feel'' frustrated and angry at myself for i can't find within me the point that will work for real for myself and how myself will function within this world.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of ''love'' as it is in the system, because this love was never here for me, i never saw this love in myself and in my world at large in anyone i have been in contact with, the only love that i thought love would be like if it is to be experienced was when i engage in sex with woman and i make them come and become all wet where they loose themselves and become all vulnerable as in a moment of being innocent.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret love as to be like this only,where i can get woman to be loosen up and becoming innocent in the moment of having sex with me, so i can in that moment with them go through what i would belief love should be if was ever real constantly and consistently, when after the release of the experience of the feeling i will be back again to reality where this ''love'' that i experienced is absent, not present at all, not in me nor outside of me in my world close to me or far from me.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to use the ''sex with woman'' as a means to get myself to experience what i am unable by myself to give to myself, because i don't have it within me, without ever knowing that i was looking for that which was not real, and that the only way is to use my own physical body to make it ''feel'' like it is real, but then when i am back to reality i will get a guilty feeling and a feeling of disgust and sadness and anger for i am NOT having what others appear to be having as what they call: ''love''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that to attain something as a feeling within me will give me value and worthiness, when value and worthiness is absent within me without me having the release through sex or masturbation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that if something that i have to look for first and then in order to get it, must not be real,for it is not there for me to give it, so my point of ''getting it'' is in reality my fear of me knowing that i am trying to make an illusion to be real, when i know that what i am seeing within myself is not here as what i go through throughout my days. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Be angry at myself because all along i already knew my own truth of not feeling anything really for real, that it was just a lie i lied to myself to fit in the system where lies are valued and are worthy, because if i were to be whom i am inside the system and with the people in the system, they will reject me as i am NOT in alignment with what is accepted and allowed within the system, so within this i forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and feel unworthy of myself because i gave in and did not stand as my own realization i had in my life as trying to justify and spite my own truth of me knowing silently that what the world is telling me of love is NOT here in me, and that i have to squander my life in pursuit of this thing called ''love'' that i am not and makes me angry at myself and shameful for i have given my power away to something that i know is not here in me, nor in my world at large,and that i have to with effort try to make it real.

Whenever i see myself going into my mind regarding whatever that is to do with sex in any ways, I STOP      and I breathe.....and bring me back here where there is only me as breath as my physical body one and equal, so i don't participate in my own mind delusions.

I commit myself to through my writings,self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to STOP myself in participating in my own mind delusions where i will justify them as real and try to protect myself as within these justifications that are NOT who I am as LIFE here.

I commit myself to and through my writings and self-forgiveness and my commitments to life to look within me for more points as to why it is i am trying to justify what i know within myself all along cannot be true as the who i am for it does not exist within me as me, and that i have to make it real in order for me to just ''experience'' it as IF it is real.

Thanks.

Larry Manuela

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