This where I have left of the last time I was here on my self forgiveness points:
" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this entity I created within myself to rule over my decision making, making sure I always end up, choosing what would not be best for myself, nor what would be best for all life, because I have something to hide, something that I secretively hide, something I am too scared to face, as my addiction, that is actually making me the convict of my conviction."
Self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can get away with having my addiction as a secret in my own mind consciousness system, just because, apart from the people that are involved within the participation of my addiction, on my side only I know of my addiction, and this makes it worthwhile according to my own judgement to conitue with my addiction in order to satify my virtual sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the virtual sexual experiences to a level of preference above real physical sex itself, to a level where physical sex is almost boring, because in real life physical sex, I cannot jump from one person to another and from one kind of sexual desire to another with totally different people all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself thus far that I find myself into a situation where I find virtual sex more interesting than actual real physical sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on going back when I have deleted my accounts from the web, just to tell myself again, I will do this one more last time and then I am done with this for good, which keeps on propelling me to find myself again in the same point where I would open an account again and again, to so called do it for the last time, instead of actually for real taking a stand when the desires rise up within me, and not accept and allow myself to fall, to participate into the desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself within my own mind that it is very difficult to stop this addiction, so I can use this justification to go against myself in the moments I dare to stand for a few days, when the desires keep on coming up stronger and stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always keep at least one of the ladies I was doing these acts with as friend outside the sexchat websites, so that I can use her as a way to get myself back into the game, as they will function as a way out of my stand against myself, a way to get back into the game, I can then justify that I was being attracted to start again and it is not me, they are the ones that lock me into the game again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly hold on to a backdoor, created by myself to make sure I do not stop and take a stand against my own self created addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush off "addiction," as something not happening to me, or slighty accept it, however act as if I can do it all by myself and I can handle it and get rid of it, meanwhile I keep on falling back everytime I made a little progress, go by a week without masturbation or talking sex or watching porn online.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am stronger than my sex addiction, thus I can do it all by myself, when in fact I deliberately make sure I do not take a real stand within and as myself to actually stop when I get into the mood when I know within myself that if I follow up on it, I would engage and thus loose myself within it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the tools suggested by Desteni to support myself when I am finding myself in situations/moments I am aware I am going to fall.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT forgive myself the feelings and emotions and desires that rise within me when I am about to go into procrastination
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly act as if I am not seeing what I am accepting and allowing myself to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even like it when I am procrastinating, meaning as if I have won something, like a little bit of a triumph.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a triumph in that which is NOT having an outcome that is best for myself as life and for all as life, because it is what I am used to do, used to accept and allow myself to live and exist as here in this world, in this moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see in triumph something that is valuable and a way to win, a way to make sure I have an excuse so I can continue with my procrastination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take procrastination as a way things are, as a way out of not having to change myself, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become procrastination itself, wherein I do not really move in changing myself in specificity and detail, just because I am aware that letting go of procrastinations means I have to change and it means I fear changing myself into a being that do what is best for all life here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself, because I am already aware that I am going to be justified by the people close to me and by the world at large.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that I can only change me and through my self-change to what is best for all life, I can then give as I have received and thus be an example for others as that gift as who I am as best for all life as I live it HERE as who I am as what is best for all life.
Self -Commitment statments:
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into defending my virtual sexual addiction by justifying within my mind consciousness system, that I am the only one that knows about it in my direct environtment, thus making sure I have a back door aa a secret I have with myself within my own mind consciousness system, ........I STOP take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as Energy.
When and as I see myself going into or I am baout to go into jumping from desire to desire within my mind in relation to my virtual sexual addiction, wherein I have replaced real physical sex with virtual sex and call real physical sex as something boring and give myself an excuse as a justification, convincing myself that just because virutally I can move from one desire to another and move from one person to another in an instant online, makes it as if that is more desirable and better and greater than actual real sex, ........I STOP, take a very deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into falling into, or repeating the same pattern, wherein I wold feel a little guilty inside myself and delete the online profiles I have made and act as if I am doing something good while I already know, I will one day come and create a new one to conitnue with my addiction, prolonging my stoppage even more, ............I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me.
When and as I see myself going into, or I am about to go into use the word " difficult" within my mind consciousness system to make sure I will leave a door open for me to come again at it another day or time, ........I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE within and as my breath, breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me, as the mind as energy.
When and as I see myself going into my old pattern of not participating into sexchats or porn for weeks online and start to see that I am about to let myself be deceived and manipulated by myself within ad as my mind, ................ I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me, as the mind as energy.
When and as I see mysef trying to manipulate other people to get what I want in the end by conving them in some way or anohter, just to get them with me and alone, so I an excert my plan with them,........I STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into trying to tell myself that I can stop my addiction all by myself, because I already know that I won't as the patterns emergy within me as me, that I do recognize and thus accept and allow them to take over anyways, I STOP..........Take a deep breath ns bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy as me.
When and as I see myself going into deliberately accept and allow the energy to take over and deliberately not do self forgiveness immediatly, I STOP............, take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy as me.
When and as I see myself going into, or I AM about to go into see a form of winning that will give me a certain specif reward as energy in my mind and as orgasm in real life as a physical relese, I STOP..................., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into procastination, I immediately STOP..........., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind.
When and as I see myself going into fear of changing myself I STOP......................., take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately choosing NOT to change me in order to continue with my addiction, I STOP..................., take a deep breath and bring me HERE, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
Self-reward and Self-realization:
I realize that I am using all the tricks and traps of my own patterns that I can actually see even before I engage into my addiction, however choose to deliberatly not to act on it and use instead all kind of justification, just so I can win in the end as getting my mind desires and physically my release as orgasm. Due to knowing this, I will reward myself next time with a treat as learning something new no matter how small it is, some new way of doing something or just larn a new subject so that I do not have to participate into going into rewarding myself with my addiction.
Thanks,
Larry Manuela
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