This bothers me a little because I am not there to really be of help and can't be there either. They live in another country.
The day the mother took that decision to leave with them, I already told her that, looking at how they were already behaving here, that things might get worse and whuala......this is exactly what happened.
I wanted to bring them here to me, but now that I know this I don't want to do this anymore, I have doubts about it, because I on my own have financial problems to cope with and then to have two children who don't listen and do what they find fit them best whatever that would mean, I don't want that.
So the question I ask myself is how am I going to take my self-responsibility towards myself and then to them, because this is not a simple challenge and no matter how I put it, I am responsible for them.
There are children that are "normal naughty" = they do kids stuff......but my children are beyond this.
My daughter is into boys right now, she is 14, but these boys are not just boys, they are sometimes man older man and I am talking about problematic boys/man.....street/ganster types. That is what she is attracted to, as most girls go through in their teenage years. She steals and love to bring trouble into peoples lives They're vengeful and want to make another pay all the time if they find the other hurt them either emotionally or physically.
My son is fighting continously at school just to be a bully and is contiously talking about wanting to kill people, and I am not talking about "kid stuff " here. He is 8 years old.
I see that they have adopted within their lives all that are harmful towards themselves and others as themselves and brought it to an extreme level and live it out as if it is a normal thing to do and to be.
I am writing this, because I am aware that some people may have the assumption that this can be impossible and they are just kids doing kids stuff. If one was lucky enough to have children that are easy to talk to and they listen, then one can say it is just "kid stuff" but it is when one is really into the situation itself with kids that are already on the extreme end and one have not gotten much of an influence in their lives that one will see that it is not as it can be with children that do listen more easily to their parents. So for those whom think/believe that this is just "kid stuff," and that the problem I am having with my children is just like any other parent in the world is having with their children, I can assure you it is not.
The worry I am having is how do I fix this problem when I myself is also having problems that have to do with money. Because by bringing them to me, means that I am going to be leaving them alone at home when I am working and cannot afford "babysitter" at the moment. And besides that---------- I work 3 shifts, thus they are going to be alone at nights and that would be a wonderful opportunity for my daughter to do whatever at home when I am not there.
So I can see that in this situation money also plays a very decisive role, because of lack of money I cannot make certain decisions well.
I am also aware that if I leave them there, they will be lost, and will be a challenge maybe to help them change themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my children becoming very extreme naughty children that are out of control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like it is my fault that they have become this way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that what is playing out in my life is the outcomes that I am experiencing in my life where I have not taken my self-responsibility as I should have done and also within this in the lives of the children.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to blame myself and the mother for what is happening with the children.
I forgive mysellf that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel emotionally sad about the whole situation, because I am aware that I do not want them to get lost along the way and ruin their own lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is my fault that they are the way they are and that it is my fault that they have made the decision to change themselves to be the way they have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am too late to help them help themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the chance to really sit and have a look at what are the possibilities for me to take some kind of action that would result into that which is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat: " I'm getting tired of this S***" to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I am aware that because of not having enough money puts me in a position wherein I cannot do much to support the children as I would like to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that most people won't understand the situation and will give some advise that most of the times can be applied only with children that do listen, that are doing just "kids stuff."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people that do not have children that are extreme in a way of being naughty but do not appear like they are extreme, and that these people will think and believe that what they apply with their children will work with my children to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that most child psychologists have very nice theories but when it comes to the actual being in the moment with the child that does not listen the theory does not work and within this I feel like a little frustrated because I experience the psychologist then putting it on me that I must be doing something wrong in the application of the theory.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own children to be very naughty without actually really be with them and live with them as they are now, because they are not living with me in this country.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wanting to have them be with me, because I think and believe that I might fail, when the reality of the matter is they are not here, so how would I know if I would fail or not?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if they were with me that they would not have turned into what they are now according to the stories I am hearing from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes experience a little bit of disgust to/towards people that say to me that they are lucky that their children turned out to be "good children," and that they don't have to go through all this that I am going through with mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when the people are telling me that they are lucky with their children turning out to be "good children," I am busy in my mind backchatting and saying to them in my mind: " are you serious, just look at the state of the world we live in, there is nothing "Good" about the state of the world we live in at all, and the children that are now here are being programmed to be even worse than us," to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be very angry at people whom want to give me an advise that has to do with a future projection of positivity and telling me not to worry because everything is going to be alright, when I am aware that without me taking my responsibility to/towards my children and all children in this world and to do whatever it takes to make sure that the possibility exists that they will come to the realization for themselves that they have to choose life above anything and anyone else, would be a living reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of me being with my children and sometimes when they do not listen to me, that I have to raise my voice to go above their voice in order for them to then be quiet and listen to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can do this.
more to come soon.........................
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