Now continuing with finishing of on this point.
I see, realize and understand that I am not prioritizing what I need to do in my life, because it gives me the self-interest outcome of postponing on myself a little bit longer, meaning stretching my time in order to indulge in self-interest interest.
I see, realize and understand that I am in my mind trying to compress my process, as looking for a way to shortcut it, however by doing this I keep on looking within my mind for a shortcut that never comes, because there is no real physical/practical movement, no real doing practically, and by only actually doing what I need to do in regards to my process the shortcut comes in the form of digging deeper into myself as to assessing how I created myself to be and become what I am up to this moment.
I see, realize and understand that I am living a personality out in the world of someone that is a nice person, to avoid myself getting into trouble with other people and also to avoid speaking my own truth and also speaking out common sense perspectives I see within others that might be very uncomfortable for the other, and due to it being an uncomfortable topic or issue, I can avoid it by being nice to everyone.
I see, realize and understand that I avoid to talk to people about uncomfortable points, because of self-judgement I had in relation to past experiences I had in the past wherein I became angry and the anger turned into rage, and thus not wanting myself to be rage, I avoid all of it completely.
I see/realize and understand that the rage that exists within me is about me holding on to anger and fear within me for a long time, and because it has accumulated so much of energy within me, it has to come out some time, thus when the opportunity is here, it all comes out as rage.
I see/realize and understand that through/via rage I am being the abuser I am myself trying to stop outside myself as another as myself, when in reality I am equally participating in the same construct.
I see/realize and understand that I am sometimes refusing help from others, because I judge their help as a debt, as a way they can get back at me when they need me, and have then something to throw at my face, they can use it to their advantage against me IF I cannot be of help to them.
I see/realize and understand that I have created a whole defense mechanism about this issue of being helped within myself to deliberately based on my self-judgement of being helped by others, to always help people without an agenda, just to like show others: " see, this is how it is suppose to be like." thus turning my helping others into kind of like a revenge kind of thing.
I see/realize and understand that all of this self-judgement within me is suiting the fear of being abused by others that exists within me as me as thoughts and memories.
I see/realize and understand that I postpone my own process because I use the self-created believe that I still have time, so I can take it slow, no need to rush or anything......however I am also aware that I am not aware when my time will be up and then it will be too late. Thus just working on myself as I should is what needs to be done.
I commit myself to push myself however with care and patience to prioritize and personalize my process in a way that it works best for me and wherein I do not have the " feeling" that I am overwhelmed by my process and that it is a drag.
I commit myself to stop trying to find an easy way out, a easier way to do process, which does not exist, it only exist in my mind as an illusion, because changing me requires real practical physical movement and application in real physical time.
I commit myself to be directive within expressing myself and stand within I am aware is common sense and what is best for all, and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow.
I commit myself to work on my fears of being abused by others through applying myself in self forgiveness in every moment points like these come up within me, in order to not create believes that lead to consequences of me participating in this world as someone I am not.
I commit myself to keep on digging on the anger that exists within me that I have accumulated in the past within me through forgiving me and to really work out all of it so I cannot be influenced by them anymore, because they do not exist within me anymore.
I commit myself to work on my issue of fearing to be helped by others because of the believe I have created within me about others wanting to use that as a means to have an advantage over me through self forgiveness in order to free myself completely from this self created believe till there is none of it left in me that can influence my decision making and thus little by little allowing myself to be helped by others if asked and if needed.
I commit myself to work on my postponement point for real till it does not exist within me anymore, making sure that whenever I see myself going into or I am about to go into deliberately postpone my process, to stop and breathe and forgive it and then work it out through forgiveness.
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