I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am tired of myself, however yet not using this opportunity to actually apply myself in these moments and get it over with and to not be too hard on myself as by being too hard on myself I close the door again, because I am then within my mind consciousness system expecting a quick change, when deep within me I am aware that there is no such thing as a quick change within this process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberatly use the want/need/desire to have a quick change to delude myself in order to in reality not apply myself, because I am aware that I will not change quickly thus this will give me more time to postpone my own real practical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear real change, because I fear loosing the people close to me if I would really change and take a stand for what I will accept and allow and for what I will not accept and allow, of which I am aware are points that are very challenging for myself as also for others as myself seeing my change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on beating around the bush with the 2 points that are a real challenge within my process, which Bernard indicated to me in the past, which are sex and money, and the relationship I have with sex when I have money and when I am without money, that I use them both to compensate one another and out of which I generate more negative energetic charge within myself, as in when I do not have money, I look for sex to generate positive energetic charge within me to compensate for the stress and emotional turmoil of not having money or not having enough or having difficulties financially.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see that my finance is just getting a little better or starting to get a little better it gives me a sense of freedom within me and since I have created myself into a personality that couples freedom with lots of sex, I immediately look for women to have sex with to lessen the surpluse of positive energetic charge I have accumulated gravitating on this little change I project as if ALL my problems with money are now behind me when in reality it is not so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately manipulate many women on the internet into virtually or physically afterwards to have sex with me, and within these moments actually being aware that what I am busy doing is NOT what will be best for me nor for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself deliberately not challenging myself on this point writing them out in self-forgiveness, because within myself I am aware that when I do it means to me that I must now actually really, must stop and it is now in the open, thus fearing that I might actually stop myself, thus due to this not writing it out nor looking for any assistance, because I am aware already what assisstances I will get and that these assisstances and support will give me something that I cannot run from and make me have to do it, thus I than make the choice to not ask for assisstance so I can continue indulging within this personality with its traits.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel great about myself when I am busy manipulating the women to have sex with me even though I am aware that I am just using the words they themselves are expecting to hear till I bring the personality out of them that I want and desire for us to than engage into either virtual or physical sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my ability of story-telling to entice/generate the fantasy of the women I talk to in order to get them to the point of actually wanting to have sex with me, making them believe that I am doing something to them through words when in reality I am aware that I am just manipulating them to believe this and deep within me I experience shame of myself, however yet I do not allow this shame to really come forth, because I am in that moment in full attention of the specific words I use that when the women would give in, I get a positive energetic charge within me that I expience as something I needed for that moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately supress the shame that I experience deep within me, because of being aware of what I am doing, which is NOT what is best for me nor for the women I am talking to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to everytime to remind myself to stop, but to not actually stop and say to myself as having a backchat within myself saying: " let's do this one more time and then you can quit," when in reality I keep on having lots and lots of "one more times" and more and more women to please sexually and with sexually tinted and sexually enticing story telling to reach my goal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give these women some kind of hope that we may be one day in a real relationship when in reality I am aware that I am just using their emotional experiences they have of fearing being alone also their desire to be with a man, and use words to bring these emotions and feelings forth and seeing myself as being so good at making a woman want and desire me when I am aware that I am just manipulating what I can see through their own words without them even being aware of it, because they loose themselves within the words I choose to tell the stories.
More to come in another blog on this point that opened up in this blog here...............
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