Friday, 1 May 2015

354, Fear of working by myself alone Part 3

Before I start with this continuation of the series about this point, I have to say that today I am going to set a new beginning for myself, because I see that I am writing less and less and this must change, thus I am setting a new goal for myself wherein I write more often as I used to do way in the beginning of this life journey process. I see I have written only one post the past month and this is unacceptable, so I stop myself right here in this moment and just walk what I already very well know what I have to do and how I have to do it, thus it is time for the practical part as in actually writing to continue as it was in the beginning. Now contuing with the next post out of the two pevious ones, which were:

http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2015/04/day-353-fear-of-working-on-myself-alone.html


http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2015/03/day-352-fear-of-working-on-myself-alone.html



Now continuing with more of the release.

So I ask this question, why am I allowing myself to manipulate women in order to get sex?
Why is sex so important in my life?
What does sex really mean to me?



                                                   





Self-forgiveness statements:




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate women to have sex with, because I like the energy I get out of having sex with them and because it suits my personality I have built specifically for this one purpose, this one goal within and as my life, the way I have programmed myself to get my body to produce energy for me to indulge into as a way to cope with boredom and at the same time experiencing the feeling of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to built a personality with a purpose and goal that is continuously  transforming substance within and as my body into energy for my mind, giving my personalities power to continue existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself engage into boredom, so much so that I have become unaware of it and I just live the consequences of it out, which I reward with sex with women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sex so important in my life that all I have been focusing on within and as my life and with my relationships with people gravitate around a sexual outcome, either to manipulate a moment that will lead to a sexual outcome or directing a moment with many people man and women and manipulate all involved in order to have a cozy environment where the possibility of a sexual encounter with one of the females of my preference in that moment can be a realistic outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself so sexually that I started seeing it as a way to communicate and share myself with a woman, seeing it as the ultimate intimacy and only focus on this part of intimacy leaving out the understanding of the complete person I am having sex with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to due to my lack of self-intimacy I have now allowed myself to look outside of myself using my mind to give me persepctive about what intimacy should be and found than through/via sex what I am looking for, however not seeing/realizing and understanding that I am in that moment moving away from creating actual real self-intimacy first within and as myself, and instead is busy living out what my mind as I believe intimacy should be in this physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character within and as myself that is playingout what it perceive intimacy should be, without me as self here having any direct experience with real physical self-intimacy, where out of which I  just express it as me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to accept that I have made of sex just a fantasy of intimacy that I indulge into and due to the indulging that has a physical undertaking, I make of sex something energetic instead of really practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on in my mind trying to defend what I have come to perceive sex as at all costs, just because I am aware that what I am doing on some levels must come to a stop and eventually I must change, because it is not what is best for me nor for others as myself, thus because of this I try as hard as I can within myself to see sex as something "good."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex as something "good" just in order to give myself a reason to continue doing what I am busy doing which deep down within myself I am aware is not what is best for all.



Thanks.




Larry Manuela



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