Now continuing with more of the release.
So I ask this question, why am I allowing myself to manipulate women in order to get sex?
Why is sex so important in my life?
What does sex really mean to me?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate women to have sex with, because I like the energy I get out of having sex with them and because it suits my personality I have built specifically for this one purpose, this one goal within and as my life, the way I have programmed myself to get my body to produce energy for me to indulge into as a way to cope with boredom and at the same time experiencing the feeling of love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to built a personality with a purpose and goal that is continuously transforming substance within and as my body into energy for my mind, giving my personalities power to continue existing within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself engage into boredom, so much so that I have become unaware of it and I just live the consequences of it out, which I reward with sex with women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sex so important in my life that all I have been focusing on within and as my life and with my relationships with people gravitate around a sexual outcome, either to manipulate a moment that will lead to a sexual outcome or directing a moment with many people man and women and manipulate all involved in order to have a cozy environment where the possibility of a sexual encounter with one of the females of my preference in that moment can be a realistic outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself so sexually that I started seeing it as a way to communicate and share myself with a woman, seeing it as the ultimate intimacy and only focus on this part of intimacy leaving out the understanding of the complete person I am having sex with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to due to my lack of self-intimacy I have now allowed myself to look outside of myself using my mind to give me persepctive about what intimacy should be and found than through/via sex what I am looking for, however not seeing/realizing and understanding that I am in that moment moving away from creating actual real self-intimacy first within and as myself, and instead is busy living out what my mind as I believe intimacy should be in this physical world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character within and as myself that is playingout what it perceive intimacy should be, without me as self here having any direct experience with real physical self-intimacy, where out of which I just express it as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to accept that I have made of sex just a fantasy of intimacy that I indulge into and due to the indulging that has a physical undertaking, I make of sex something energetic instead of really practical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on in my mind trying to defend what I have come to perceive sex as at all costs, just because I am aware that what I am doing on some levels must come to a stop and eventually I must change, because it is not what is best for me nor for others as myself, thus because of this I try as hard as I can within myself to see sex as something "good."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex as something "good" just in order to give myself a reason to continue doing what I am busy doing which deep down within myself I am aware is not what is best for all.
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