Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Day 352, Fear of working on myself alone.

Within the previous blog, I have had a realization about myself that I fear working on myself, because of what I might find about myself that I do not want to go through and when I go through it, I would prefer to not be alone all by myself.

I will quote myself here what I wrote in the previous blog:

" I realize that I fear being alone from the perspective of not having anyone to have a communication with, because it will imply to me that I will be and have to deal all by myself with my stuff, thus in actuality fearing having to face myself, or deal with myself all alone."


                                                       




Self-Forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even though I am aware that I go through these subtle fears of facing myself alone as in what I might find within myself that I have to change about myself, or stop about myself, I let the fear of facing myself influence my decision making in a moment, because it serves my personality(ies) I do not want to stop or change right now as in wanting to wait for a few more time before I put them down, or change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait on myself deliberately, because I am aware that when I wait I do not have to change myself, apply myself thus I wait and I wait, and within this actually I do not change myself all the time in the moments as I have wrote within the commitments I have given to myself as in when exactly I have to stop myself, release myself and than live what I have committed to do.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing me, because I am aware within myself that I do have the courage to stand for life and to change myself too, and I am aware that I will be feared because of this and thus I deliberately postpone changing myself in every moment and allow myself to take my own shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse in my mind as backchat: " I am tired of all of this in this world," for purposes of putting myself in a position to manipulate myself in order to not have to change myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I did not see/realize and understand that the backchat: "  I am tired of all this in this world," is actually in fact me being tired of myself not doing what I am aware I must do to change me, to stop me, to release me in order to bring about a change within myself that have a result/outcome that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subtly try and  manipulate myself to write less, in order to postpone my own change, however deep within myself I am aware that when I do as I am doing right now it stabilizes me and gives me the opportunity to actually face myself and release myself and eventually walk my own talk as I place my words on paper that I must commit in order to change me as I am aware I am NOT living me as a human being that "what is best for life," is my life, is the way I move within and as myself and within and as this world, when "what is best for life," is like breathing, like brushing my teeth, like me eating, like walking, in one word, when it is natural to me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take my process really really serious, because again I am aware that my own change would mean the death of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as this world as this personality(ies) I have become to survive as a personality(ies) within and as this world, within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my own change as a threat to myself, as a threat to my existence as a mind personality(ies) wherein I want to live as this/these personality(ies) that actually are NOT contributing to what will be best for my life and all of life on this planet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change from the perspective of my mind, because I am aware that I am my mind right now, and that I fear letting me go as this mind that I have become, thinking and believing that the death of me as this mind-personality is my complete death as all of what I am here, when I am also at the same time aware that I can exist in a moment as my breath within and as one and equal with my breath and that nothing moves within me as my mind, yet still letting fear of stopping me completely in everyone moment ruin my process, prolonging my own change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to get into the nitty gritty of myself within and as myself, because I fear loosing myself, when I am aware that what I will so called "loose," is just what I have become of a mind personalty(ies) .


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent on my mind-personality(ies) to live for me and I living according to what I dictate to myself as my mind personality(ies).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just sit here and ponder about the how I am going to tackle myself just to tell myself as this personality that I am doing something, that I am applying myself when in reality, in real physical movement in moments I am aware that I am not doing that all the time, it is only sometimes, thus within this I forgive myself to not apply myself in the moments that I am aware I must do so, to actually change myself in every moment till it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not interfere within my own moments when I see myself falling as in not applying myself as I am aware I must do.


To be continued............................


Larry Manuela


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