Now i am going to share with you, the reader what this man; Bernard Poolman meant to me and how he has EFFECTED my life so i can start taking my Self-responsibility as it should be.
I was called by Ingrid and she asked me if i have read the email about Bernard, and i said no, because when she called me i was sleeping and i woke up and went immediately to check my email to see what she was talking about, and as i read the first sentence;" We are here to inform you that Bernard has passed away in the early hours of Sunday 11th of August.'' This sentence alone hit very hard, i was totally shocked and i said: '' WHAT!!! '' and then followed that up with: '' SHIT!! ''
And after all these swearing, a deep sadness came over me, like a part of me is gone so to speak, and then i became angry at SYSTEMS, just systems, all systems, i start blaming systems, all systems, existential systems, and the systems we have in this world as in how we conduct/manage our living together here in this world.
So before i continue let me forgive myself for having this anger within me in relation to Bernard's passing away.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat in me in the form as the word: ''what,'' to in that moment to represent my own disbelief about the news that Bernard have passed away, thus like wanting my disbelief to be true, without seeing/realizing/understanding in that moment that the disbelief itself is also a belief and is my own making that has nothing to with reality, which also in this moment of writing this statement is another clear PROOF how belief can fuck one up, because my disbelief as my belief in that moment was proven to be NOT true as i manifested it in my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat in me in the form as the word: '' Shit,'' to in that moment to represent my own fear as in: '' what the fuck am i going to do now,'' which is a point of self-interest, because in Bernard through his words i was looking for stability and empowerment without seeing/realizing/understanding that i was not giving that to myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be very angry at all what i in a moment saw as systems and that i hate systems, without seeing realizing that I AM a system, i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a system and by being angry and hating them is in reality hating that which i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.
I forgive msyelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that by being angry and hating systems is somehow going to change something within me as me trying to ease away the real pain as in the sadness that came over me with the news of Bernard passing away, thus in this transforming it as----------- in running away from the sadness instead of standing within and as the sadness completely and embrace myself as it and get it over with as making me totally the sadness that i manifested within and as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand in the moment of being angry and hateful to whatever that is outside and inside of me as systems is nothing but what i myself has accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and without.
Therefore i commit myself to stand within and as myself within and as my process i need to walk in order to be/become the principle Bernard walked and lived equal and one as the whom i am as an individual and doing this within/as the group of desteni.
I commit myself to use the tools provided by desteni as what Bernard himself used in his own process to be and become the whom he was and is as the principle of oneness and equality as what is BEST for ALL LIFE.
I commit myself to embrace myself as the systems i have become so i can understand myself as these systems and then bring all of what i have become to the HERE point, so i can free myself of what i have become that is NOT what is BEST for all LIFE.
I commit myself to remind myself to always when i see that i am going to or about to go into becoming angry and hateful to immediately STOP myself within and as breath and do NOT allow myself to participate into emotions and stick and be within and as my breath right HERE, as the point of stability as the point of actual standing within/as my human physical body/form.
I commit myself to workout deligently on myself with myself with the tools i have been given by Bernard and that he have lived himself in absolute detail never waivering an inch, so i can be/become a +1 in the equation where eventually will be where all the one's (1) put together live the same principle till it is done.
I commmit myself to give myself patience and to not forget that the process is a process and it will take time, so patience is critical and also practical and make sure i stick to my breathing as the point of stability wherein i can trust myself as the breath within and as my human physical body/form equal and one.
So in the beginning of hearing Bernard speaking with his roaring voice as a lion, i was not afraid of the way he spoke. I heard within his way of speaking as a directness and a certainty and as he change from sound with his voice in the voice i hear humbleness and actual real care in every word even when he was swearing.
In the beginning if i was to let other people that are not part of the desteni group hear some awesome interview where he was speaking, the voice was the first thing most of the people will react to and find it scarry or whatever, and this i could not understand, because to me i was hearing what he was saying, the voice is just like a carrier, a way of effecting the words, so they can touch the core of our being.
What i was fearful of was really to meet Bernard, because i was aware that he could see all the shit in me i had as secrets in my mind where no-one else can see and only i know is there. Now that i am writing this, i can see now within me why it was i was postponing so much, it is because of this one point, to have to face myself if i ever got the be in the presence of Bernard, thus this means that i was fearing my own fear of facing myself and then use Bernard as a projection of my own fear so i can continue fearing myself and thus not move and change for real deeply.
Therefore, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear Bernard for what i was aware he could do, thus seeing within the dephts of my mind as what lies within it, what i am hiding, thus in this case fearing my own fear and making sure that i keep being in this fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that ''hiding something,'' is being dishonest within and as myself, like harnessing energy for myself within myself as to keep myself as the energy as the mind consciousness system to continue being the whom i am within and as this world.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself down and engage in unnecessary fear of my own creation, just in order to NOT stand within and as myself to be/become the living principle of oneness and equality, that which is BEST for all LIFE.
Hereby i commit myself to bring myself to the point where i am aware within me that i loose something within me and in that point i then stand within and as my breath forgiving myself and standing so i can take this fear of myself having to stand away and delete it.
I commit myself to write out in detail all that is within me so i can see the whom i am as my mind consciousness system, as what i accept and allow within me and as what i will not accept and allow to be within and as me and direct myself to bring it to the HERE point and change myself.
I commit myself to stop hiding within and as myself and just open myself up patiently till all that is as me as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become is on paper in the written word, through my Self-forgiveness and my commitments to then have a view of what i am doing in order to STOP myself in the critical moments and stand in the stopping as in NOT letting myself participate within the fear that will want to rise up and to digg deep till i find its root within and as me using the tools as they are presented at desteni.
as you can see by now as what i have written here, that i did not meet him in the flesh when he was here in the flesh as the flesh, even though there was this willingness within me to wanting to meet him and get it over with in a sense deep within me, like wanting it to go really really bad as in the point of no return and face it all in that point and get it over with and for this one more time i project it as Bernard being able to support me in that particular point as in pushing the buttons that i should be pushing myself, because i can see them within and as me, but yet fail deliberately to not push myself to get to that point of no way out BUT to face myself in my own darkest hours.
Now with Bernard's passing away i have also within me see/realize/understand more clearly then ever what it is i need to do and to actually do it as an individual and also within and as a group as desteni.
There is not one interview that is shared where Bernard spoke that i have not listen to, because i was listening to all of them, i always looked for support through his words and all that he has written that were shared i read them all, because they are simple and yet direct written as in a form of cutting right through any bullshit that i may have in a moment. So but you see; this was supportive but yet i took it the wrong way, in the sense that i wasn't really integrating it, as in living what he was sharing, it was like a moment thing just to feel better about myself for a particular point i was busy with.
Now that he has passed away, i have seen/realized/understood that i leaned too much on his voice as what his voice could do through sounding of the words in certain and specific way and using certain specific tonality and resonance in supporting and assisting me so my process can become more bearable, but then again with all of that, even when i understood what he was saying in common sense i lacked LIVING them.
So now this NOT living the words as i understand them is changed, because i am aware now as he is not here in the flesh as an individual human being anymore to push any buttons for no-one i have to and must push my own buttons and sound my own words and do what i have to do in order to be/become a living example as to what it means to live by the principle of oneness and equality, that which is BEST for all life, as Bernard has shown through his living when he was here.
Living time have arrived.! So indeed Bernard has given his own life so all may LIVE as one as equal as what is BEST for all LIFE as the principle of/as life.
So i am forever grateful for all what Bernard did for me and for what he did for ALL always in all ways and this gratefulness to make it count; i must live it, and so be it!!