Saturday, 23 November 2013

Day 267, When i lost count of the day.





                                                                     




Two days ago at work when i arrived, i met my supervisor at the door when i was coming in and he told me that the Otoplastics have arrived and that i need to go get them upstairs, and that i have to do this between 13:00 and 15:00. And he also told me to tell two other colleagues of mine the same thing.

So i went upstairs and just sit in the cantine and wait till the time came for me to go downstairs to start working.

Now when i was working on one of the machines my supervisor came to me and he asked me if i went already to get my otoplastics, and in that moment i saw that i was not HERE in the moment when he told me from the start to when i needed to go get my otoplastics. And the reason for this was; because in my mind even though i was on time at work and everything, to me i was in the morning-shift, meaning that i start at 06:00 and end at 14:00. So i was thinking to myself; ''uuhhhmmm i still got time after work to go get them, so need to hurry''.....loll

And in that moment my supervisor then told me why it is when i did not understand him, did i not ask him to explain it to me. But to me everything he said was crystal clear, but of course he couldn't know where i am in my mind, that i was completely in a sort of time-shift, believing that it is just morning and not the afternoon.

And when i realized that i was not HERE, a few things took place within me:

**  I started to feel ashamed, because i belief that i appeared to be stupid
**  I started to look for excuses as in why it was planned like that

I also had backchats in relation to all this, and they were:

**  Why don't they give these things to the supervisor and he then give to us?
**  Oh i understood you(my supervisor) perfectly, only you cannot see in my mind as where i was in that moment.



Self-Forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be HERE in every moment of breath and let myself be lost within and as my mind wherein i am living according to this mind interpretation in another time of the day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed, because of me believing myself to appear as stupid in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that i am stupid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to relate being lost with stupidity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize and understand that in order for my total attention to be HERE, i MUST be HERE in breath one and equal within and as my body.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to mess with the time as i define time in my head instead of just being HERE in breath so i can pay attention to what is going in and around me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that in order for me to understand real time i have to be and become one and equal with breath-time that is really actually real time.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead of realizing that in breath-time in a moment i am always totally me HERE in the moment i let myself get caught into the illusionary time as i have come to define time as it exist within and as this world and within and as myself.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses to hide the shame i have felt when i judged myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that i have to justify my own shameness within and as myself in oder to fake it within and as myself.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project an image within and as my mind trying to picture what exactly would be going on when i go and get the otoplastics, without seeing/realizing and understanding that without asking a question about when i do not know or pretending as if i do, still it is not the actual fact what will happen as in how it will happen when it is actually happening.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system at work as how it has been put together at work as being the problem and the cause/reason that i am in shame.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT agree within and as my mind about the rules of the system at work based on what i belief these so called rules are entailing for me and others.



Self-Commitment Statement:


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into my mind interpretation that will eventually propel me into a timeshift, I  STOP------------------take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that mind interpretations can only exist when i am NOT HERE within and as my physical breath one and equal, and get lost in the mind time and not breath time which is in reality REAL-time.


I commit myself to focus on my breathing and to remind myself to focus on my breathing when i see that i am not aware of myself breathing and to touch something that is practically HERE to get me back HERE and/or just say out loud to myself; STOP, so i can get back into my breathing.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling ashamed for something that i perceive or interpret that is necessary to feel ashamed about, I STOP------------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am feeling ashamed only because i have programmed myself that is necessary to feel ashamed for something that i myself have make myself belief that i need to feel ashamed about.

I commit myself to start little by little, step by step De-programming myself by taking the decision in a moment to stick to NOT participating in what i already see within myself is a mind interpretation of what it is to be ashamed or not ashamed.


When and as i see myself judging myself as stupid, I STOP-------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am judging myself as stupid, because within myself i judged myself as being stupid for NOT being HERE paying attention to what time of the day it is exactly.

I commit myself to pay attention to what time of the day it is and remind myself to stick to the time that it is in the day according to where i am in a moment in relation to the time as it is being understood within and as the system.



                                                                 

When and as i see myself going into or about to go into relating being lost with stupidity, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as the energy.

I realize that i am relating being lost with stupidity, because of me seeing within being lost as something i don't know, and not knowing something i have accepted as stupidity.

Therefore, I commit myself to make sure i stay within my breath everytime i there is a movement within me as me coming up that i am aware is energy related, to hold my hands together and just breath and focus on my breathing and let the judgement of myself of finding myself being stupid go, and if this keep on coming up it means that there is a point in regards to this that i have missed within myself that needs my attention, in order to walk through this point.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into messing with time as i define it in my head, I STOP----------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am confusing real time as Breath-time with illusionary time, which is the time i look at on my watch.

I commit myself to make sure i stick to the Breath-time and when in breath-time i just look at my watch and read it as it is, without having to go into my mind to evaluate what time of the day it is according to my mind interpretation.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into trying to hide within an excuse from what i feel is a shame, i just immediately STOP----------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am using the excuse because i am feeling uncomfortable with the feeling of being ashamed within and as myself.

Therefore, I commit myself to step by step with using common sense in my writing of Self-forgiveness in Self-honesty to teach myself to get out of the feeling of being ashamed for something that is insignificant.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into projecting images about things that i do not have any idea as in how they occur in reality in a moment, I immediately STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am projecting these images in my mind as IF i know what is going on just because i am looking for a reason to justify what have accured before where i judged myself as stupid, not knowing what time of the day it was.

Therefore, I commit myself to remember myself repeatedly to not try and justify myself when and if i get to be in an experience of feeling ashamed, and to hold my hands together to remember this so i do not get lost in my mind interpretation about trying to justify why it is i was ashamed and need to protect myself within and as my mind.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to into looking to blame the system as it used at work for the reason i am in a protective mode, I STOP------------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am blaming an outside source for the reason I am ashamed about myself within myself.

I commit myself to make sure i investigate in a moment within breath if there is a next time that will come wherein shame will enssue and within that moment to just breath through the shame and if a reason comes up within me as me trying to want to protect myself by blaming an outisde source, i just say the word: ''STOP'' outloud,and breathe,and continue with the breathing and if this also doesn't work i take a note of the seriousness of the shame to work on it when i am alone by myself.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into NOT agreeing within my mind to the rules as they are used within the system at work, I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within  me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am agreeing to disagree within my own mind about that which is BeLIEf about the rules within the system at work.

I commit myself to within my writing of Self-forgiveness to and my commitment to LIFE in Self-honesty to investigate the point of the polarity of agreeing vs disagreeing, wherein i hold on to the beLIEf i have within my own mind about the rules of the system that is used at work.



To be continued....................................


Thanks,


Larry Manuela






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