Today the point came up that i am writing a part of my commitments that i am not really actually living it as i wrote it.
I can see within myself that i have like an internal fight against the structure, because i am not living the words as i place them exactly within this structure.
With structure i mean for example; i write a Self-forgiveness statement and then after that i have to write a statement wherein i will stop myself in breath when i see myself in the next time if this is to occur in a moment again.
Now here is where the fight starts within me, because i am aware that i am NOT in every moment in breath and especially when i have written countless of blogs where i wrote these sentences as a statement to myself that i will practise.
Thus my friction is within me going against myself in myself because i am not stopping myself when and as i see myself going into..........whatever i wrote in my previous blogs, very little of these ''stopping myself in breath statements'' i can say right now are statements that i have lived it as i have placed it here in words, when the opportunities presented themselves in the moments.
Thus within this i have come to the conclusion and i am making the decision that i will leave writing this part of stopping myself in a moment when i see myself going into or i am about to go into something; an energetic reaction, a justification, a judgement, a feeling, a thought, an emotion, a sabotage, a backchat, till i get this friction out of myself that i have with this being aware afterwards that something happened that i already wrote i was suppose to have stopped in participating within it in that moment and yet did not do it when the moment arrived and saw it only afterwards, which makes me react in various ways within myself, because i see it within myself as Self-compromise, and becoming angry and impatient with myself, because i am then aware that i missed my words i wrote in my blogs when i had the opportunity to do so. I see that this point have stood in my way of actually moving forward within and as my process. And to me it is a point of NOT o.k. because i am writing something that i am not living.
And i am starting my 21 days of going to the basics of 4 count breath again and as long as it takes till i am more stable within my breathing as myself HERE, otherwise i keep on compromising and sabotaging myself because i am aware that i am too late in taking the action when the things i have already said i should have been stopping myself in breath in the moment occur and then don't take the action i commited myself to take.
So i will write simplistically my Self-forgiveness statements together with my Self-commitment statements alone, because as i see it within myself in this moment is what i can live at the moment and leave the point of breathing apart to work it out beginning with the 21 days of breathing as a starting point in relation to the conflicts i create within and as myself in regards to me not actually/factually in a moment stopping myself in breath when i see myself going into or about to go into whatever energy movement i wrote about in the past that i will be stopping in the moment in the future when it occurs again.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not live my stopping myself in a moment in breath as i wrote it before that i will be doing in the moments in the future.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger within and as myself not stopping myself in breath when and as i see myself going or about to go into energy movements within and as myself as i stated as part of my commitments to myself, because of actually not being here in breath makes me miss the points themselves where i can be aware and only see them afterwards.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling of anger within and as myself towards myself and sometimes to/towards others as myself, just because i see afterwards that i have not lived being in breath in the key moments as i have made myself the commitment to myself to stop myself when i see something shifting within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to give myself the gift to just be here with myself in a moment and breathe with and as myself here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within and as myself about myself not actually being here in breath in a moment and so to be able to stop myself in going into my mind participation as i have stated many times i will do when i see myself going into or i am about to go into my mind, because most of the times i am already in my mind participation and not in breath, thus it is common sense that i will miss the opportunity and only see them afterwards.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in breath everytime i have thoughts as i wrote before that i will be doing if they will come up.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in breath everytime feelings come up within and as me as my mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop myself in breath when a judgement came up within me as i wrote in blogs before.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to not be in breath in every moment as i wrote when i will be having a justification coming up within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchats within and as myself when i already wrote that i should be not having these backchats, but because i am not here in breath or most of the moments at least, i find myself within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and defend myself when someone else afterwards let me see that i am judging or justifying myself or projecting myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get caught in a feeling of needing to defend myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even though i am being stable within taking critics yet when i defend myself i don't see that i am busy being spiteful in relation to the critics.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have enormous frictions and conflicts within myself in relation to me stopping myself in breath, because i am within my mind fighting against myself for not wanting to focus on my breathing consistantly and constantly, because it is something i have not lived and i see it as difficult to focus on my breathing in every moment, and can only focus at the moment sometimes, but not all the times as i should have, in order for me to not be missing points.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight within myself because i know that i am little by little changing, but as the personalities within my mind don't want me to change i am experiencing it all as me fighting myself against myself and thus also refusing to hear what i already know within myself that i just have to do, and thus i have to see the reality of the physical world outside showing me and also myself being aware that i am changing and starting to see more of whom i am and this ''whom i am,'' is unacceptable within and as myself as the part of me that is aware that it is changing, but yet not taking a stand within and as myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be too hard on myself just because of not having patience with myself and expect immediate change to occur and when immediate change does not occur i become angry at myself and also feel inferior as if i am incapable of changing myself by disciplinging myself till i completely get the point of focusing on my breathing and just being one and equal with it in every moment, which will assist and support me in seeing/realizing nd understanding the energy movements of myself as my mind consciousness system and then indeed be able to stop myself before i let myself get caught in thoughts/feelings and emotions and only realize and see them moments afterwards.
To be continued....................