Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Day 272, The Relationship Between me and my son Part 3



                                                         






So now i move into the Self-Commitment statements in relation to the two blogs that went before this one.







Self-Commitment statements:


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling pity for my son, I STOP,---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i pity my son, because of memories about what happened to him within me when i was with him during his period of being sick, thus meaning it is ME pitying myself, because i am the one having the emotion as pity to exist within me as me as the mind as energy, thus living pity in actuality.

Therefore, i commit myself to make sure to apply myself now in every moment doing some practical application when there is pity coming up together with my focusing on my breathing so i can stay focus on both the breathing itself and what i am busy physically doing, in order to not get into the emotion as pitying myself away in the mind.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into the emotion of despair to/towards my son, I STOP------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that this emotion of despair i also created within the moment of being with my son when he was sick and experiencing myself as not being able to do something about his health and had to just wait to see IF his body will heal/get better or not by itself.

Therefore i commit myself to make sure that when i am in communication with my son and i can see in the moment that i am acting or speaking out of the emotion of despair to just make sure i do not participate in it, and focus on my hands touching something and focusing on the touch of that physical something together with the focus of my breathing.


When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into holding on within myself to have a relationship based in pity and despair to/towards my son, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back HERE, till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that basing a realtionship with my son on the starting point of pity and despair is me in actuality not having a direct expressive one on one equal standing relationship and stance with my son, so that i can express myself as myself with him as my equal as a human being and not so much as my son alone.

Thus within this, i commit myself to make sure in every moment i communicate with my son to base my communication on the starting point of me being one and equal with him, so i in this manner can direct myself and the communication into and as an communication based on equality.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into reliving the moment of me being with my son in the hospital in my mind, i just immediately STOP, -----------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am holding on to this point just because within my mind i see it as if i do not feel pity or despair, i am not caring for him in a way, as if pitying and having despair somehow have something to do with caring, when it is in fact not so at all in real physical reality.

Therefore, i commit myself to just every time i am in communication with my son to be very alert within myself as in from what starting point i am busy communicating with him, and if i see i am within myself communicating from the starting point of experiencing pity and despair i just make sure i do NOT participate in it and make sure i am doing something physical with my hands, or i just walk around with the phone.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into feeling of guilt within myself in relation to pitying and despair to/towards my son, I STOP------------ take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that this feeling of guilt is coming from within me, because i am aware that pity and despair has nothing to do with actual REAL care for another and this case my son.

Thus within this i commit myself to stick to my attention of focusing on my breathing to see what goes on within me when i am in interaction/communication with my son, so i am sharp and clear as to how i am using my words and from what starting point i am conversing with him, and if there is a slight of pitty the tries to come up i just pause and be quiet and then clear myself within myself, do some self-forgiveness within myself in the moment and then proceed/carry on with the conversation/communication with my son.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into the emotion of regret, to immediately STOP, take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i this regret exist within me in relation to my son because of me actually being aware even though not in the moment totally clear about it, that i am in communication and interaction with my son on a basis of pity and despair within me to/towards him.

Thus within this, i commit myself to pay very good attention as in how i feel within myself and what kind of feelings or emotions accept and allow within me to exist when i am in interaction with my son, so i do not go or participate into emotion of regret. And the best way to do this is to help my self stay focus through/via touching something that is physical in combination with focusing on my breathing, so i ground myself in my attention to/towars my son in what words and especially how i feel within myself when in communication with him.


When and as i see myself going into or about to go into reaction of anger and frustration in relation to my son being teased at school because of his teeth, I STOP------------take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that going into reactions of anger an frustration are coming from me pure based on what i think and belief within myself that my son is going through and not what my son is going through in fact.

Therefore, i commit myself to make sure to just be HERE for and with my son when in communication with him about anything without having to go into participation within myself in anger and frustration that are not necessary and also are dishonest by the very fact of having them to use them as to measure reality with according to my assumptions within myself based on what i think and belief my son goes through.


When and as i see myself going into or about to go into feeling ashamed, I STOP---------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize i am feeling ashamed because within me i am aware at some level that to feel anger and frustration is NOT in fact going to nor are they necessary for a solution that will be best for all, and can never be in fact either.

Therefore i commit myself to stay focus and sharp and just be here in each moment with my son without having any feelings or reactions within me to/towards him and just have a straight, direct communication based on just sharing myself as what i see in a moment that will be the best way to share myself with him.

When and as i see myself going into or about to go into projecting myself unto/to and towards my son, I immediately STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am projecting my own anger and frustration i have within me to/towards my son because of myself having memories of myself being teased at school when i was a little boy in regards to how my teeths look like.

Therefore i commit myself to just be here in a moment with my son with full participation and attention of the words i use and also how i choose to feel about what i am conversing with him without having to go into memories of myself about my teeth and place it on him as if that is in a way being equal in understanding, because it is not, because it is in reality supporting these very feelings and emotions and not coming up and taking a stand within coming up with practical solutions that will work to what is best for me and for him.

When and as i see myself going into or about to go into superimposing my childhood memories on my son, I STOP-------------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that i am superimposing my chilhood memories unto my son as in order to give him the incentive that it appears as if i am caring and that i understand, when in fact i do NOT understand, because how can i understand if i am still reacting in emotions and feelings in the same way i reacted when i was a kid, thus meaning i have not understood the moment of the reactions when they happened to me, thus cannot assist and support my son also in a solution, because being in emotions and feelings will perpetuate the same emotions and feelings.

Thus, i commit myself to make sure i investigate this point of looking within myself if i can remember how i started to feel anger and frustration about being teased at school and hold on to it and now use it as a means to act as if i understand my son or as if i care, through my writing of Self-Forgiveness and my commiments to life.

When and as i see myself going into or i am about to go into thinking and believing that what i have as memories of what/how i felt is the same that goes on within my son, I STOP----------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I realize that what and how i felt is not the same as what my son is going through because he is experiencing the same emotions and feelings but i do not know as in how he actually feels within himself is the same i felt within myself, but now think and belief within me, just because i can relate to the situation that it is so, when in actuality it is not.

Thus, within this i commit myself to stop comparing my memories with what i perceive and see as what i think and belief is the same as how i felt when it also happened to me, because of the similarity of the situation and just focus in being here in breath and communicating directly with my son without basing it or having comparison within myself about his situation according to my mind interpretation based on my own memories of what happened to me, when even the memory itself is incomplete, because it is solely relying on how it felt and not all of what happened before i felt the way i felt and why i needed to accept and allow myself to have these to come up and exist within me so i can use them today as measurement when i encounter something that looks similar.



Thanks.


Larry Manuela



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