Before i get to the forgivenesses i have to write for myself to see my own words, what it is that is going on within me in relation to my son.
Now as i said in a previous blog before, when he was very small, just 2 month old he got infected with a deadly virus that almost took his life.
Since that time, because of me that was with him in the hospital till he got better, i created within me a kind of relationship that is based on pity.
I see now that this pity-relationship is NOT what is best for all, for me nor for him.
Because everytime something happens to him or he does something, i experience this pitiness within me to/towards him.
It is like whatever he goes through i cannot actually really help him and i just have to wait, just like what happened when he was in the hospital, i had to wait till his body itself would cure itself or not. There was nothing the doctors could do, because he was too small to be injected with Antibiotics as they said. And this waiting has created a sort of despair within me to/towards him.
So now i have two words to work with in relation to my son, which are: ''Pity'' and ''Despair.''
Before i continue with this blog let me state here for a moment, that i am going to continue with the part that i said 2 days ago that i will be leaving out, which is the part of stopping myself in breath in moment before i see myself going or i am about to go into........., because within a chat with my buddy, which is Gian Robberts, through his assistance and support i came to realize that it is my mind that is in conflict with what it sees as conflict and not my body itself, my body learns instantly, and not the mind, thus i keep on using the structure even though i am not yet living it on a conscious level. just like driving a car - the first few times you dont know how to drive but you are practising it, till you get it and then are driving the car and can even multitask while driving, because while practicing driving the car one is physically integrating everything which eventually in the end lead to not requiring any thinking, as you just LIVE it, like driving a car, once you got it its all Physical and not thinking about it.
So this is what i am busy with at the moment, that one day i will be just breathing and see the points that come up within and as my mind before i go into them or allow them to come up, because i have practised how to be focused on my breathing and stick to my breathing till i am naturally aware of me breathing. Thus i just live being aware of myself breathing physically. Right now my breathing is taking place without me being aware of it, and this is what needs to STOP. This automized breathing of my body without my awareness of it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity about my son.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel despair within and as myself to/towards my son.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a base-relationship with my son out of pity and despair.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that this kind of relationship based on pity and despair keeps in intertwined within and as pity and despair within and as myself in realtion to my son and thus in this manner making me not making common sense decisions and actually taking a real stance as a living being one and equal as life as him.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hang-on on a moment in the past and continue building on that one moment as if that one moment is still here, and that was the moment i was pittying my son laying in bed in the hospital almost dying and me being powerless about it as nothing could have been done and i just had to wait.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself to belief within myself that in order to have a relationship that is ''healthy'' i must also have some pity for him, otherwise i am just cold dad.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that if i don't pity my son, i don't care about him, and that pitying him, is a way to show that i care, which in reality is the other way around, by pitying him i am busy not caring about him, because i am then busy with the pity feeling within myself about him and is not communicating and having a relationship with him based on equal understanding and equal sharing as equals.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that i am busy creating a consequence of pitying and despair within and as myself in relation to myself and thus never ever a real relation as equals with him so he can learn what it means to be equal, but instead he learns from me that caring involves having pity for another, which is a lie, a deception, a self-dishonesty to/towards LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having a relationship with my son based on pity and despair.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed within and as myself to have a relationship with my son based on pity and despair.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to be in regret to/towards the relationship i have built within and as myself in relation to my son.
To be contniued..........................