Sunday, 22 June 2014

Day 319, Telling my daughter that I am not her Biological father.

Fathersday I told my 14 year old daughther that she is not my biological daughter.
She asked me to tell her the truth, and so I did. That on itself was not a problem really.




                                                   

The problem started when she started crying about it and went into her room, that is what the mother told me via Whatsapp. But she was angry that I and the mother did not tell her long ago. The mother, then asked me what it was I told her that made her upset, and I told her too, that I told her the truth.

Now here is where the whole thing became a problem. Now the mother got angry with me too, because she found that as she decided a time ago, that she was going to tell her when she is 18. But looking at how my daughter communicates with me, I can tell that she is old enough to handle the information.

The reason why I in the past, way before I met the desteni people, decided with the mother that it would be best to not tell her, was because of how her real dad was behaving. He was a very agressive man and was stalking the mother constantly, everywhere she goes he will look for ways to find her, so he can continue being vex with her.

In the beginning when I met my ex. girlfriend she already had this girl, that became my daughter, she was back then only 1 year and a few months old.
Back then when the mother asked if it was o.k. for her father to come and see her, I agreed with it, because I saw that as no big deal, I mean who the hell am I to decide if the child can see her dad or not?

But the mother would put the child ready and they will wait and wait and he will not come. And then he will appear late in the evening drunk and high, when the child already slept. But his aim was to look if he can get back with the mother, trying to sleep with her and the lot. And this happened over and over, he will use the excuse of wanting to see the child but would never actually come and see her, it was just to find a way to get close to the mother and try to get her back. So then after all of that the mother decided that she don't want anything to do with him anymore, because he was lying  to everyone, but especially to the kid, because she will wait and wait and he won't come.
When the mother told the biological dad, that she don't want anything to do with him anymore, is when the stalking started becoming more, he will look for her everywhere, and ask everyone for her and even when she will change her phone number he will find it anyways and keep on bothering her late in the evening and harassing her and stuff like that. There were times that my ex. had to call the police on him just to make sure that if something happens that they know that this was going on for awhile already, because when it come to the police they have these strange rules that they apply, if there was not a lot of notification given if it is something that has to become a court case they will not put him in gail for stalking and being vex. Here is a simple example of how the police does not function on prevention, but are functioning on almost waiting for something to happen to then take action. And everytime I was out of the country he will go there and be vexing and always using the excuse of wanting to see the child, when it is late at night and always drunk and high.


So back then I agreed with the mother on not needing to tell the child yet who her real dad is, because we found that, that would mean that she would start to want to look for him and it would be my ex. that would have to look for him for her first, to tell him that his child is looking for him and then he will get the chance again to start to get close to the mother to try and get her back. Because the mother have managed after years to move to another town and he couldn't find her that easy anymore.  From the very beginning the biological father of my daughter did not want her, according to the mother he did not even go to the hospital to see her being born and nothing and did not even came to see her afterwards either. A lot of things had happen between them before I came into the picture, but that is her responsibility to take, I will take my responsibility here as what I did and what I did not do and correct the emotions and feelings and thoughts that I lived during that period of time and look at how I could have done it differently that could have resulted in what would be best for all.



Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to most of the times followed what my ex. would say, believing her all the way and agreed with her without question and sabotaging myself to not look at things in a practical manner that could have resulted into that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even though I did not trust everything my ex. was telling me, still I let myself get influenced by the way she talks and tell her story and from that go about evaluating to agree with her or not and eventually agree with her in the end most of the times.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to actually allow myself to have more saying in the relationship I had with my ex. and most of the times left things for her to take care of since I saw within her always jumping first in trying to solve the problems her way, and not actually listen to someone else solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be like a person who was a follower of what my ex. will decide and never really take much decision in what is going on, and became more like an observer and a listener.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to actually look at all dimensions of what could have been done and prevented and look if it was possible to tell the child that I am not her real dad, so that no consequences of possible harm and abuse can come out of it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to actually sit and talk with the biological father of my daughter and hear his side of the story when I had the opportunity to do so and now I only have the side of my ex's story about who he was and also a little about what I experienced myself from his behaviour to/towards my ex.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the biological father of my daughter, based on the stories my ex. was telling about him and agreed with her on the decisions she will make in regards to him seeing the child or not.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and defend my ex. based on the story she was telling about her ex. and in so doing most of the times agreed with her on the decisions she would make.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to actually go for what I found was not a big deal anyways, which was telling the child that I am not  her real dad, but instead have chosen to make decisions on emotions and fears.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree with my ex. on not telling my daughter that I am not her real dad from an early age, because in my mind I was weighing all the consequences of what could go wrong alone if I together with her mother will tell her at an early age, within this not seeing/realizing and understanding that I was making a decision not based on what is best for all, but only what was based on what was best for my ex.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based my decision of not telling my daughter at an early age that she is not my biological daughter, because of fearing having to go through lots of possible troubles with her real dad, and that he will continue harassing my ex. with every chance he gets.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the biological father of my daughter as a drug addict and a drunk  and based on that together with his persistent harassing of my ex. that it would not be such a good idea to tell the child that he is the biological father, because it would be my ex. that would have to then look for him after she have managed to get away from him where he couldn't find her, thus within this purely based on this knowledge and information and some personal incidents found that it would be best to not tell my daughter in that period that I am not her biological dad.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my daughter at an early age will not understand what was going on and then would want to meet with her biological dad and make me and the mother having to look for the him when the mother does not want anything to do with him anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that telling my daughter that I am not her biological dad at an early age will force me and the mother into a consequence we do not want to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what the consequence might be in my mind and not look at the whole situation on common sense practical solutions that will be best for all people involve and then make the decision and stick by it no matter what.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of what might happen influence my decision making and thus choose not to go with the real truth as it is manifested and choose to hide it to protect the point of fear that exist within me as to what might happen and which is usually what might go wrong actually.



To be continued...................


Thanks.


Larry Manuela



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