Day 308, When looking for validation started in my life.

I'm going to put the story here first from what happened and then I can work the points out that will come up in the story or because of the story when walking the points, because of this other points that are connected will also come up.

So now. When I was a kid I used to LOVE soccer, and I mean really really LOVE soccer. I will watch soccer games on t.v. and look for the movements the players are making to go afterwards and excercise the movements till I got them and can use them. I would sleep, dream, eat, walk soccer. I knew all the professional players names, when they were born, how many goals they scored, in what position they played on the soccer-field, what were their best movements, what their weaknesses were, I knew the sizes of the soccer-balls, what the strength of them were and the rest of it. All I was thinking about was to become one of the best soccer players in the world. I would come from school and go immediately in the heat of the sun to excercise and excercise till the night will break. Most of the times it would be my mother calling me to come home, that will break my training. When I look back at that period in my life I have to say, that I never did anything thereafter with so much care/passion and dedication in my life practically and mentally, like I did with playing soccer. I just wanted to play, and I got so much fun and satisfaction out of it, that nothing else I did could top that. I was fully commited. I could see how I was becoming better and better. So one day my uncle started training a soccer-team. They asked my uncle to train a soccer-team, because he used to be a great soccer-player when he was young and represented the island very well. He was among the few in his time who was great at playing soccer.  So now I had a team to play in. That was my first time playing for real in a team. On the field I started to noticed how I was becoming more and more one with the ball and everything else that is happening on the field. The moment I get the ball, it's like something changes within my body, I can sense everything. And the more I excercised the more this was becoming evident. But in the beginning I was playing without looking around and made bad passes when passing the ball, and my uncle will tell me to remember to look up and look where the other players are so you can make the decision to whom you are going to pass the ball to next and how you are going to do it, what kind of situation you will create with the pass you will make and things like that. Of course I believe my uncle and the rest of the players did not know what was going on within me, but I was thinking it must be something normal that all soccer-players must be experiencing when they are on the field, so I never spoke about it to anyone. After a while I could just pass the ball to anyone without having to see where they are, this " not looking up" that was kind of like against the soccer-rules, because it is more practical and logical to look up so you can see where you are going to pass the ball when playing, which became my greatest strength. I just knew where they are, and some I did see in the corner of my eyes, but mostly it was just the flow of how everyone is moving on the field that I got. That was what I called it. The flow of the game. When I got into this flow moment on the field, it was like everything was just one, I could hear my heart beating, felt every step my feet made with the ground and the ball, every breath I took I could feel it, when someone comes and touches me with their full body contact on the field I would physically like get lots of information of their condition in that moment, if they are tired, how tired they are, and if they are left-handed or right-handed players I would  know which side they will be very weak at when having to turn, they will always choose to turn on their most strengthful side, thus I will force them to try and turn to their side where they are weak in that moment, because of being tired. All of that happened in seconds of course. I could measure by how my team-mates are running and also the other team, if the team-mates I am playing with will get to the ball I will be passing before one of the defenders of the other team will, and will also choose to pass the ball on the side of the defender where I knew in that moment would be his weakest point to turn and run, all these few little things gave the team I was playing in a little bit more time to move faster and outrun the other team.


                                                             

But with all that I also noticed, that I changed within myself energetically and I couldn't understand it. It felt like when I look back at it, like I was playing for my life, like it was a matter of do or die kind of thing to me. But only to me, no-one was brainwashing us to be like this when we are playing, it just happened to me. And I will turn this energy within myself and place it in the game. But still after playing I could not understand why it was coming up within me so strong. Because I at that time was a very quiet guy, was very introvert as is said. Soccer became like a way to deal with this, warrior kind of feeling thing. Completely not as I understood myself to be when I am not playing. I did look at it within myself but it was more like observing myself. But of course as a kid and not having any ideas at all as to how the mind works and all, would never find out what was happening within me, why I became like this warrior type of guy on the field.


On the field everyone was admiring me, they liked the way I was playing. So when my uncle stopped coaching the team, we went to play in another team, me and my two cousins. And there is where the whole point of this story and the point of validation in my life will become part of my life. It was in that team that I started to want my dad to come and watch me play. This one point I took it at heart as is said.

Everyone liking me on the field did not matter at all, even though I was enjoying myself playing the game very much, but it was this one point that bothered me; my father not coming to watch me play at least once. Because when we went to play in the stadium, all the other kids their fathers will come, but my father never came, he was always working, helping someone with some machine that broke down. That is my fathers passion in life, helping people in that way, and he is really good at fixing things technically, he is very practical in that. So even though I understood why he was doing what he did within myself, I still wanted him to come and see me play at least just once. But as I said, he never came. One day when I was a kid I did ask him why he never came to see me play, he said, it was because he never in his life liked being in crowded places like stadiums and such. I couldn't understand it really as a kid, but I just accepted it. And on the field itself or better. in the team I was at that time playing, the coach even though that he was finding me very good playing when we are practising, but  would always let me sit on the bench when we have a match to play, because he had already at that time when I came into the team his star-players, the players that would always form part of the playing team when we have a match. And the day that he eventualy did put me just for maybe 5 minutes in the game because of my uncle almost bagging him to do so when the game was near finishing, I did showed everyone that I could handle those big guys and did very well almost scored even after slaloming between everyone, but took the decision in the end to be a team-mate, but yet the other guy I passed the ball to did not give me the ball back and decided to shoot at the goal and missed, when I was totally open and with 100% certainty to score. I knew for sure that, that moment would have changed my soccer-carreer for good. Little by little all these points became like unbearrable and I started to treat my beloved game, my true passion as a joke. I didn't take it serious any longer and eventually I stopped playing completely, and never became what I dreamt to be/become.


                                                                           

So the whole validation point to this story, was my father that never came to the games to see me play. It felt like what I did was not of his interest enough to come see me playing. I never hated my father for that or anything like that, because I did understand his fear for being in crowded places when I grew older and also his passion for always helping people with their broken machines by fixing them. But yet I did let this judgment of him not being there to see me play influence the game I truly loved as I said and also the decisions I made and will make in my life in my future. I felt like this great sadness within me, like what I was doing for myself that I really cared about was not really worthy enough for my dad to come see me play at least once.




Self-Forgivenesses:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never do anything else with so much passion and dedication as I did when I was playing soccer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up the enjoyment of actually expressing myself physically as I did when I was playing soccer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that only one thing that I aspire to, should be something that I can commit myself to completely and fully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself feel defeated and thus create within myself a defeated mechanism that will give up on what I am making myself believe that I was defeated on or against.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud within myself about my uncle being a soccer-caoch, just because he is my uncle and then he is representing the whole family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that someone's achievements is about the representation that person will project that will make others within his/her immediate circle to be proud or stand out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to be proud or stand out within a group or even alone, where I will be judged and validated by others as myself as better then them or others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I have to be better then others as myself in order to be better in whatever I am busy expressing myself within and as, without seeing/realizing and understanding that I am creating a separation within and as myself to/towards others as myself and then from there see them as competitors instead of other people where I can share my expression with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I was almost obsessed with the game of soccer, so much so that it became a matter of do or die to me, even though I was liking and enjoying the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceptualize the experience of " do or die," within me as me being passionate and satisfied with the game, when in reality I was feeding my ego as this personality that will come up when I am in the heat of the game, as I will enjoy becoming this personality as this personality is the driving force of the energy I will gain to play very good when playing the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let energy be the decisive factor within my expression of playing the game of soccer without seeing/realizing and understanding that little by little I was not expressing myself physically here anymore within and as playing the game, but was more stisfying my energy desire that was being energized within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like it when my mother will call me home, interupting my training, when I knew I have had more then enough training for that day and will be irritated by the fact of my mother calling me home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold in the secret of my mind my father responsible for the my failure of becoming a professional soccer player, when in reality all of it was purely my own responsibility to/towards myself to just continue pushing myself and not give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally for what I have accepted and allowed about myself as what I experienced as failing at soccer, the game I loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find my father telling me that he doesn't like to be in crowded places as an excuse to not have to come to see me play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that when my father told me that he didn't like being in crowded places that he was just lying, because I have seen him being perfectly well in crowded places when there were carnaval in the country.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the crowd at carnaval and the crowd at the stadium as being the same, when in reality I do know that the crowd in a stadium is different then a crowd at te carnaval standing along the sideway of the road and watching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic emotion of anger mixed with rage within me when I am playing soccer, and that I liked being in this state, because I was using it to transform the game I was playing, and that when I become like this within myself I was playing better and being very much focused within myself with everything else that is happening on the field and around the field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that the emotion of anger mixed with rage was something all the other soccer players must be going through also, just because they are also soccer players and that is what all soccer players must be experiencing inside.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my believe I have created within myself about the personality I have created within myself to use it in my self-interest in order to perform better in the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the personality I have created within and as myself to make decisions on my behalf when I am busy playing the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being something special because I could sense certain information about other players when playing on the field, especially when there is full body contact in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that the special feeling was a my gift that was given to me that would propel me into becoming one of the best soccer players in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have patience with myself when everything was not going my way and due to this, instead of stopping myself and change myself to push myself to stand up and continue, I gave up and eventually stopped playing soccer forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from that first day that I have given up on the game I loved the most, I have taken this behavior into other aspects of my life, that will become part of my life in my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of giving up as in: "when the tough get going, the going get tough," to exist within  and as my life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I was actually giving up on my own dream without giving it my best and my all.



To be continued.............................................




Thanks.



Larry Manuela




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