Day 207, Feeling Sorry and Desiring To Help.

In my life i have always been in situations with people but mostly with women, where they come to me with their pains/their emotional turmoils, and that when they do that there is this great desire in me to help them in whatever way i can. This went as far as having sex with them even, as a way to be intimately understandable in a way, as if with sex i could take away their pain. Thus within this i was using sex and my own body as a way to give comfort to others, in this case woman of course.

Because to me sex was in the past the only way i was really comfortable being me.

So i did not see/realize/understand that i was in fact manipulating my own body to give in, into supporting emotions either from myself or others as myself.

                                                                 


Problem:

* using sex as a means to sort emotions out.
* being attracted sexually to woman with emotional turmoil
* desiring to help women with emotional turmoil
*  feeling sorry as my own trigger-point to get into the supporting of them emotionally.



Solutions


I'll do self-forgiveness on these points to disect what is within me as these emotions and feelings to come to a point of understanding me and thus understanding others and as  to STOP myself in helping others based on emotions.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to create within myself a pattern that will playout in the real physical world as me having always to meet with women whom are emotionally hurted at their very peak in their lives.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate more deeply within myself as to why it was i was always attracted to woman that are emotionally hurt.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find attraction in women that are expressing themselves emotionally hurt, and saw it as vulnerable and weak, but yet very attractive.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even see this so-called weakeness as being emotional about anything in the women whom i was attracted to as a strong point and not a weakness and due to this found myself extremely magnetised to them and very attractive and very sexy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find attraction in weakness and vulnerability without ever even remotely try and find out why it is i was being attracted to them in this way.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely magnetised to women whom are emotionally in a turmoil.

I realize that what i was finding attractive within the women is what i did not give to myself, as me being emotional and open about my emotions as they are, and thus find myself looking for it in them instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that there is nothing outside of me that i cannot give to myself, and within this i reacted within the reverse of all this, making sure that i am attracted to that which i do not see myself capable of expressing freely as myself, even though emotions are not the way to go, as i know now. Thus within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware that what i was looking for and finding attractive and sexy in women as them being emotional is exactly what i did NOT give to myself in order to come to an realization/understanding that if that is a way to live or not to live as an expression of life as the human physical form, the real being of/from earth.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have desires for being with or encounter women whom are emotionally in turmoil in order for me to feed off of them to energize myself making me a complete vampire in a sense as i walked the world searching for women in emotional pain unconsciously to make mine for awhile or for as long as it takes in order to get my fix.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use sex in order for me to give to them a bate as to make them feel as if i really cared about them and was there for them, as i was really very intimate when having sex with them, but this intimacy was only for purposes of getting them all eased up and sometimes crying because of the tremendous rush of emotions and feelings mixed together that will come out of them during sex with them, and as this, will make me like a parasite attached to them, sucking on these energies in order for me to fulfill my desires of wanting to experience myself as emotionally expressive as they are, which i was not, through them.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that i was in fact manipulating them and sabotaging myself and also at the same time manipulating myself in order to get energized emotionally, even if it will mean in a short period of time as in having sex with them as they will melt away in the ''good feelings'' and forget for awhile that they were emotional awhile ago, or when they cry it all out, because now there is someone engaging in sharing themselves completely in their pain.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use a simple emotion as ''feeling sorry'' for the women, as in order to approach them as IF i am equal in standing in their emotions, when i reality i was not, i was just using this as a way to put myself in a mood to be much effective in manipulation in order to get them as far as openly having sex with me, that will be perceived almost as a way to support them and being a hero in sense.



Will continue this tomorrow...............................




Thanks.




Larry Manuela

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