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Sunday, 3 March 2013

Day 216, Being Nice.

Problem:


Now within this writing i am going to go into finding out why it is i have created myself to be this nice guy that everyone, or at least most people like around them.
It was very early in my childhood that i can remember that i have created this character/personality, because it kept me out of conflict/friction.
Before i created this nice guy character/personality i, by myself was and still is a quiet guy, i don't talk that much and when i do is because i am asked something or i really have something to share, i am mostly introvert as what is being used in psychological terms. As a kid i realized in terms of my survival that being this introverted kid and quiet made me went through a lot of other kids wanting to take advantage of me, in the sense that they thought/believed they could push me around and bully me, which of course they afterwards found out that beneath that quietness was a ruthless/don't give fuck/ready to go to the extreme, in terms of fighting kind of guy. There is another thing too that i have noticed about me when i used to get angry like that, that if i experience pain, thus if i am fighting and someone hit me and i feel the physical pain, that pain ignites more rage within me, like it is food for the rage, and this is what makes the people i am fighting with really scared, because it looks like i don't feel pain and thus i am not going to STOP.


                                                                

I fought 4 times in my life for real and all of these took place when i was in grammar school. And all of them was fights between me and guys that bully others. The first time i found out what i could become when i become angry, was when a guy that loved bullying others threaten me in the classroom, he pointed at me and told me that he is going to fuck me up when school is finished, when we have to go home. Now the moment he said that, this rage took me over, i just lost it, i jumped from my desk all the way over another desk and then jump literally on him and started hitting him with my fist and elbow, hurting him badly that he was bleeding out of his nose and i broke his lips too. But when i was attacking him like that it was like there were mixed feelings within me going on, of hate/rage/anger and also sadness, because i could see real fear in his eyes, and i wanted him to like show me more of that fear, because within me i experienced like; ' if i don't make him fear me enough he will never stop fucking with me, so i am going to show him what  going through fear really feels like.' I was the kind of person that when i get angry i don't care if i am going to die or not, or if i am going to get hurt or how many people i am going to be fighting, i just don't give a damn anymore, i am ready to die in that moment and would really go to the extremes and i don't care where i am.  Thus that day i found out what rage and anger really meant, and it scared the hell out of me, that i could become like that, but that didn't change me yet to become this nice guy, i continued being quiet but not nice, just a quiet ''normal'' guy.

Now i am going to tell the story that really made me change and took this character/personality of a nice guy ever since. It was in the schoolyard and a guy that bully other kids came to me out of nowhere and he said to me: '' if you fuck with me, i am going to kill you.'' These kind of things kids were saying to each other back then already too.  Now to me, this was like a serious thing to say  to me, that you are going to kill me. So i heard it, but i couldn't imagine that someone would really say something like that to someone they don't even know and with such a conviction like they mean business, but just because they see you quiet and think/belief that they can control you and have power over you, they will say these things to scare you, and if you get scared then they are going to abuse you. So i asked him very slowly, but i already became very angry, i felt this rage coming up within me, because i took it as a life-threatening situation, and to me that means, that it is going to be him or me, one of us is really going to die today, so i said:'' WHAT THE FUCK did you just say..??''  And he repeated it of course to try and look tough.  Well the moment he repeated the sentence i just lost it. I grab him by his throad with one hand and lift him literally up and put him against the fence and i said to him: '' well today you are going to understand what it means to die,'' and i just couldn't control this rage that took over me, it was like a complete possesion, i saw his eyeballs turn into his head and they became all wet and red, and he couldn't do anything, he couldn't breathe anymore and other kids that were there started to hit my arm and screaming at me to let him loose, but i just couldn't, and lots of kids started to scream and get all hysterical/emotional about the whole situation and my teacher got out of his classroom and ran towards me and had to really do a lot of work to get my hands off of his throad, he said something to me, that i don't remember that made me come to my senses and i just let him go, and he fell down and gasped for air and was like trying to vomit or something, in that moment when i came back so to speak to my senses, i was very sad, a total regret went over me, i felt really sorry for what i did, because i knew if there was no-one there i would have literally choked him to death. After that day that guy remained in fear of me and also he stopped bullying people.  And this was the day, that i decided that instead of being quiet like i am in my natural state all the time and getting fucked with because of it, it would be better to be nice, act nicely, because back then, when i was a kid, being nice was a good thing, i could see that those that were nice, were always treated nicely and with some sort of respect. So i took that character/personality to hide my quietness behind it, to not get into conflict/friction, so i don't have to kill anyone or get killed by someone. Now in a sense one can say, it is  a ''good thing'' that i have chosen to become this 'nice guy,'' because i could have become this very angry/mean/tough person, figthing other people that bully others all the time too, but back then, i also saw that being tough would still get one into conflict/friction, so i decided to NOT choose that one. I didn't like conflict/friction, i hated it, and tried as much as i can to avoid it, and being a nice guy was a perfect way to go.


Now i am going to work on the dimensions in relation to this problem, and within each dimension i put the self-forgiveness statements as SOLUTIONS, and the self-corrective/commitment statements as REWARDS.



FEAR Dimension:


** Fear of getting bullied
** Fear of loosing all sense of care or compassion
** Fear of loosing it, and killing someone
** Fear of getting killed by someone, before i kill them
** Fear of living as whom i am as a quiet guy
** Fear of  rage and anger within me


Self-forgiveness statements as SOLUTIONS:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bullied when i was a young boy, and because of this exactly the opposite occur 4 times in my life when i was a young boy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing all sense of care and compassion if i were to become angry and in rage, because what i experienced myself going through for the first time i got in a real physical fight.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing it, and be able to in this state of mind kill someone else, because i saw within me that the fear feeds the rage within me to an extent that i would have killed someone without any remorse at all in that moment i was posessed by this rage.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear underneath the fear of killing someone else also the fear of being killed by someone else and both of these fears i use as fuel to be effective in the fight and determine and certain with each blow so i won't make a mistake and get killed.

I forgive msyelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living as i am naturally as a quiet guy, going about his own business and just being an observer and questioner of his sorroundings.


I forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rage and anger within me when i found out what they could do to me when i am completely taken over by them.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be controlled and taken over by rage and anger.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be carried away by rage and anger so much so that i would kill someone just to not be killed myself.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have rage and anger existing within me  as a kid and not dealing with them at all never ever in my life, but only lived to suppress them as being a nice guy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect rage and anger to death, that it means to me that to get angry and in rage i must push all the way through to try and kill someone, otherwise the anger and rage won't go away or STOP.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never understood how it is that anger and rage existed within me at a so higher level as a young boy, because my parents didn't show me that kind of rage and anger ever, so i couldn't understand what these emotions were doing existing within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating the anger and rage, i resolve it in suppression and trying to play the nice guy all the time and avoid any slightest hint of conflict/friction that could result in me getting angry and in rage, wherein i could kill people or be killed by people.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body and body of other people by letting fear/anger/rage control my desicion, where i will be totally out of control and even ready to die/giving up my own life for that matter.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, when i went into regret that i did not follow fully on changing me as fear/anger/rage, but instead just changed me into a character to avoid getting into fear/anger/rage.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that when i get angry and in rage and i experience real physical pain if i am hit, instead of stopping i use that pain as a means to energize more anger and rage within me, to a level that i will not feel the physical pain anymore, and become fully posessed into and as anger and rage.


Self-commitment statements:


I commit myself to investigate more deeply and pay attention to slightest of hints that can come up within me that will make me remember why it is i was so angry and in rage when i was a young boy.


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into anger or rage or even a slightest hint that i am going to be angry and because of this anger rage will follow, i immediately STOP, take a deep breath and continue focusing on my breathing till i am clear and stable and don't give the energy within me attention till nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.

I commit myself to whenever i see myelf going into or i am about to go into fear that could lead into me becoming angry and in rage that could lead in me getting into a fight that can lead to me killing someone or someone killing me, i just immediately STOP, take a deep breath and focus on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.


I commit myself to little by little to workout the fear that is within me to kill someone else or being killed by someone go and self-forgive myself for letting myself accepting and allowing such thing to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.


I commit myself to stop fearing being whom i am as comfortable within and as my human physical body, which is a quiet type of guy.


I commit myself to little by little investigate myself into and as fear or when some hints of anger accur within me, so i can digg out why i am having them and especially how i am creating them within me and where they are coming from and to what character/personality they are attatched, and in so doing to desolve myself from such emotions that are certainly not what is BEST for all LIFE.

I commit myself to do my utmost BEST to stop acting and trying to be a nice guy character/personality and whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into playing this character/personality out, to just STOP myself and take a deep breath and bring myself back here and focus on my breathing till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy, so that little by little i will be just here breathing as the human physical form that i am without having to play any character or personality.


I commit myself to find out within myself where this anger and rage originated from, because as of right now i cannot see where it orginated from, because i know it was not from my parents, thus that they did something to me that made me suppress my anger.


I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or i am about to go into a slightest feeling or anger and rage to immediately STOP myself in that moment directly and take a deep breath and continue doing so till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy, and if necessary to hold on to something that is physically here so i don't loose myself within my mind as these emotions.



I will continue in the next post on the other dimensions, stay tuned.....................



Thanks.  



Larry Manuela





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